4 year old won't stop touching her bum

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My four year old won't stop touching her front bum. It's all the time. It's also very obvious. She does it in the living room, the car, outside playing constantly. It's very obvious and she says it feels nice.

I have tried every way to approach this. Tell her not to do it. Tell her it'll put germs on her hands. Tell her to do it in her bedroom but not in front of other people. Tell her it's ok she can touch her own privates but only in private. Tell her other people do not touch their bums in front of other people. Tell her other people will not like it. I've also told her people will not want to spend time in her company if she is doing this and it's disgusting. Tried to put consequences in place. Nothing works at all. I was very cross with her a few times about it. Told her others will not play with her if they see her constantly doing this. I know that is not the best approach but I'm at my wits end.

Please any advice, similar parenting experience or even book recommendations appreciated!

I would just chill out - some 4 year olds do this, no one is going to get worked up about it. She’ll get more of a sense it’s private and either just stop or some kids might comment that it’s weird and that’s when she’ll stop.

Keep telling her it’s ok in private but not in public, as it will make other people uncomfortable. Keep moving her hand away when she does it. If she actually has her hand in her knickers get her to wash her hands. All of that will be a chore and put her off doing in it public.

For heavens sake stop telling her it’s disgusting or germy. It isn’t.

Also find another word than front bum. It’s not her bum. I’d just say vulva, but if that makes you uncomfortable then use a nickname - foof or whatever - that doesn’t imply it’s her bottom. mappatazzy (because it’s shaped like a map of Tasmania) was used in a family I knew as a kid, which is jolly.

It will sink in eventually just keep telling her to only do it privately. I wouldn't say it's disgusting though.

You may need to give her something else to do. Like it's easier to do something than it is to not do something. So "here play with this toy now". Rather than "don't play with yourself."

I think most kids go through a phase of this. My 6 year old boy has just had about two months of me telling him not to do it when people are around. He's either finally started only doing it privately or he's actually just stop doing it. Probs a combination of both.

Also find another word than front bum. It’s not her bum. I’d just say vulva, but if that makes you uncomfortable then use a nickname - foof or whatever - that doesn’t imply it’s her bottom. mappatazzy (because it’s shaped like a map of Tasmania) was used in a family I knew as a kid, which is jolly.

Mappatazzy! What have I just read? 😆😆😆😆😆😆

Sorry, as you can see, I'm crap at copying and formatting!

Distraction to keep her hands busy (help me with x, let's get the play doh , hold my hand etc) . Keep reinforcing the message that it is private and she can do it in her bedroom. It will take a while to sink in.

Stop getting cross and definitely stop telling her it's disgusting and germy.

And definitely stop calling it a bum/front bum.

From the title I was thinking she might have worms.

Send her to wash her hands every time- no shame, no shouting, just clarification that hands need a wash because they’ve been on her knickers.

She’ll soon stop doing it in public if it leads to stopping for a handwashing every time.

Front bum? Disgusting? This is going to be one confused child.

This. Vulva is perfectly acceptable.

Ditto. Was going to suggest a course of mebendazole.

Agree with the pp about terminology and not calling it disgusting. I can see why it's embarrassing, but you need to consider the long term and not give her a complex about herself and her body. You can also try always dressing her in dungarees/playsuits so she doesn't have easy access (at least not under the clothes) - if nothing else it will be less unhygienic.

@WhiskersPete the reason asking other mums for advice is something not a lot of us do is because of responses like that. I hope that when your children ask you for advice you respond in a much more respectful and understanding manner. But in the meantime don't even comment on this as I wouldn't want you to be associated with a terrible parent. At least you got to pass judgement on a rainy Saturday morning 😊😊 keep up the good work

Thank you all so much for the advice! So many good suggestions. I also feel reassured this is very normal! Thank you all so much! 💗

Incidentally, it's seems a real failing of the English language that there's no acceptable kid-like word for vulva (a willy equivalent I suppose). My girl is being brought up in another country and luckily that language does have one so we use that.

"Front bum", really!!

This is just a form of self soothing and it's helping her to regulate herself. It can be caused by nerves/anxiety but often it goes away on its own. In boys it tends to present as something that happens when they are excited/stimulated with Cartoons/video games/playtime etc and they have visible excitement running through their body and grip/squeeze their genitalia. It's perfectly normal. Please don't make her ashamed by thinking she has a germy vulva .

There really isn't. I'm just going to actually use vagina I think! There really shouldn't be a reason not to like you say.

We're Irish so often fionnula is used 😂😂😂

But it's not her vagina?

Just going to delete this post and go be a terrible parent elsewhere.

I didn't shame her vulva with germs qyl. We wash our hands after toilet, changing nappies, touching running noses, touching bum etc

You would a boy that his penis are his testicles? Why teaching your girl that her vulva is her vagina?

Please don’t take the comments personally, it’s like that round here 😁Call it what you want, it really doesn’t matter and it won’t confuse your daughter- take the more constructive comments and forget the rest. Honestly some people! Bizarre.

Why does there need to be a "kid friendly" word for vulva? It's a body part just like any other. We do children a real disservice by trying to use cutesy language to talk about body parts.

Please don’t tell her she’s disgusting.

sot down and explain to her that there is nothing wrong with touching her vulva, however it is a private place which is why we always keep it covered in public therefore touching a private area should only be done in private, I.e not infront of anyone else including parents.

if you catch her doing it, just remind her that we touch private areas in private, keep reminding her gently and kindly.

last thing you want is her growing up with a complex that she’s disgusting and touching herself is inappropriate.

@Pinkclarko thank you. I find it very hard. If I thought I was doing it right I wouldn't be asking the Internet for help 🙈

@ShoehornSheryl thanks. I tried to keep the first post short and sweet. I've had so many of these conversations. Everyone touches there bum etc no issue with it but privates are for private etc.

It's just getting her to stop it in public.