4 year old won't stop touching her bum

[Helphelpx]

My four year old won't stop touching her front bum. It's all the time. It's also very obvious. She does it in the living room, the car, outside playing constantly. It's very obvious and she says it feels nice.

I have tried every way to approach this. Tell her not to do it. Tell her it'll put germs on her hands. Tell her to do it in her bedroom but not in front of other people. Tell her it's ok she can touch her own privates but only in private. Tell her other people do not touch their bums in front of other people. Tell her other people will not like it. I've also told her people will not want to spend time in her company if she is doing this and it's disgusting. Tried to put consequences in place. Nothing works at all. I was very cross with her a few times about it. Told her others will not play with her if they see her constantly doing this. I know that is not the best approach but I'm at my wits end.

Please any advice, similar parenting experience or even book recommendations appreciated!

Well, anyone's. But for myself I just never have I don't know

Well that’s unusual I think - most people would have to describe something to their doctor, or come to that send their partner in that direction

I do think if you have kids make sure you have your daughters call it something, otherwise it starts to feel like anatomical equivalent of Voldemort, or just the absence of a penis, neither of which is

But anyway, from this thread you can take your pick. I’d say it’s a toss up between vulva and mappatazzy, myself

This is totally normal - best way to approach it is to say ‘it’s fine to touch there but it’s something we only do in private’ and gently remind her if she forgets.

Also, while I agree children should know the real names of their genitals, there’s
nothing wrong with a nickname like fanny, bits, or ‘down there’ as long as it’s not in a shameful ‘oh my goodness we don’t talk about that’ kind of way. In the same way we might say both abdomen and tummy, depending on the context.

@theduchessofspork I have said "down there" to a doctor come to think of it. It just feels rude to me so I can't say it. I only have sons

Ah well, make sure someone tells them about female anatomy at school.

But I assume you refer to their penises or willys or whatever, so women do deserve the same curtesy. It’s not rude, just biology.

mappatazzy (because it’s shaped like a map of Tasmania)

😂😂😂

I don't actually apart from when they were little. I would call it a wee wee, probably would have done similar with a daughter. I've never said about a partners though, it's just awkward to me

My little one used to do this a lot. Through process of elimination we realised the washing powder was irritating her and moved to non bio. We also stopped using any bubble bath or scented bath bombs etc as used to irritate her and it helped massively.

Have you not seen the Amanda Palmer video 🤣? 😀 Mappatazzy is less of a mouthful. I’ve also heard Taz and Map-a-Taz.

OP, can you give her something else to fiddle with? A toy? Something tactile? If that doesn’t distract her, then removing her hand from her pants each time she does it, telling her not in public, and getting her to wash her hands each and every time she does it is the only way to reduce it, I think.

@Helphelpx

Hi OP

My 5 year old DD has done this from a very young age, she is ND though and her paediatrician assures me it is very common in children with ASD and is used as a means to self-soothe, it just feels good! She does it often when excited, tired, needs to re-regulate or gets a new toy. We have taught her that it’s perfectly normal and acceptable but is something that she needs to do in private and only in her bedroom so she has gone from lying in the living room floor doing it in front of grandparents and uncles 🙈 to now understanding she can do it in her bedroom and won’t be disturbed and now takes herself off to her bedroom for it.

No need to discourage it and definitely don’t tell her it’s disgusting but do direct her to her bedroom to carry on in private any time she starts it x

First of all it's not a bum. Its called the vulva.

Get her some looser clothing, immediately, and tell her not to touch herself in public.

Vagina is internal. Vulva is external. I’m a CSA therapist and have worked with several children have lost their cases partly due due to their use of ‘wrong’ terminology. Please please please use the right words.

Fanny, not Minny, where I’m from. If your Dc are lucky enough to go to Disneyland, Minny could be awkward …

Sorry, I haven’t read the whole thread but picked up on the fact that others thought she may have worms…this may actually be true, they can make their way to a vulva!

A small child might not have the correct vocabulary to explain that touching (or scratching) feels nice as it relieves the itch. Better to be safe and treat everyone asap.

And sorry, I’m with others on the name thing. She needs to know the correct names for parts of her body so that if there is a problem, it can be easily identified.

Minnie like the mouse?! 😅
Haven't heard that one before - bit too furry and cute for me I think!

Admittedly, I have not read all of your post, never mind the full thread, but it just irritated me so much. Firstly, she is not touching her bum. Why are you calling it her bum? You are doing her a great disservice. Teach her appropriate language!

Her vulva is what she is touching (perhaps, who the fuck knows when nonsense like front bum is trotted out, btw pedophiles have literally walked free because of adults not teaching children appropriate language.) It is normal for little children to do this. Why are you telling her it is disgusting? Of course it isn't! Why are you sexually shaming a child not long past infancy?

Honestly, your whole attitude is just awful!

Isn’t anyone going to mention the way small boys tug their penises? Like literally trying to yank them off their bodies? I find that way more gross/distressing than a quick explore of the lady garden. I’d steer away from any shame messaging and just ask DD to wash her hands.

Do not use vagina. It is not her vagina unless she is penetrating herself. It is a vulva. Use vulva. I am also Irish. Use vulva, that is what it is.

Because vulva and vagina are not the same thing!!!

I wouldn't use Vulva, she could mix it up and call.it a Volvo...........

Mine did this a bit, I just tell her to stop it, we don’t do that in public and make her wash her hands. She likes to have a good look when she’s on the loo, I let her crack on with that, she’s just looking at her own body. It’s totally normal, DD is getting the idea that some things are done in private so thats helped a lot.

Anything but minge!!

I grew up with it being called "little botty", and was ok too.

I still try not to call it this with my DD - I just say "bits" but I think I might start calling it by the proper name as I don't have a problem with it at all. I want my DD to feel comfortable with her body and so calling it by its biological term is probably better.

Slightly harsh, but i do agree with you. However, the OP was just looking for advice, not a reprimanding. 😳

This is why parents need to model it being a totally normal thing to discuss.