My wife is a loner and this is having a negative effect on me and my daughter

[DaddyKin]

Dear parents/friends,

I am in a rather strange position and need some anonymous advise.
I am a very sociable person and I have been struggling to get along with my wife who happens to be a loner. She prefers spending time alone, all by herself and is not bordered about the consequences of that. Rather, she thinks it is the right thing to do because the world is 'evil'.
We have been married for 6 years, together for 8. From the start, she was not comfortable being around my mum and siblings, and I thought things would be better with time but that has just gone worse over the years. Sadly, my mum passed away not knowing why her daughter-in-law avoids her. Immediately after the funeral, she took down all pictures of my mum from our house and that's when I couldn't handle it and decided to ask what actually is the problem. Her excuses were that (1) my mum didn't get excited the first day i officially introduced her as my fiance; (2) I am the only nice person in our house, everyone else is weird. I thought these excuses were too silly and accused her of either not telling the truth about why she hates my family or she is just a trouble maker. This didn't go well.
Likewise, as the years went by, I noticed she withdraws from people, even the ones I thought were her friends, she calls them envious and stupid. Currently, in a city of over 700.000 people, she has no friend, she visits no one and no one visits her.
She doesn't like going out again with me to social gatherings (including other people's kids birthdays whereas we have a 3 year old); she doesn't show up even in my work functions; she stopped going to church. The last time she went to a networking event with me, she complained so much that we had to leave early. I felt like she went there on a fault finding mission, not a networking event.
When I try talking to her, she gets very defensive, accusing me of being too easy. She goes ahead to say she is a loner, she is comfortable with herself, she doesn't fit-in because she is different; and she doesn't need anyone's business in her life. At home, she is comfortable staying in the bedroom all day. If I don't go to chat with her, she won't join me in the lounge. It still feels nice when we get together, we easily get into each other's arms; however, I can't tell if she is being real or not; and I am beginning to loose feelings.
I find this very uncomfortable, because, in as much as I know her as an introvert largely due to growing up in a very controlled environment, it is negatively affecting my relationship with my family and social/networking life. I hardly attend social and networking events anymore because I don't want to be seen as the married man who is always alone. I have missed a few opportunities due to my absence which has been quite costly to me. I now stay away from family gatherings because I am tired of giving excuses for her absence (we are 6 siblings, all married, all come with their spouses).
This is affecting me negatively, i feel i'm being isolated from the world. This is not how I wanted to live my life, especially as this is not how it was at the start. I also think this is not a good experience for my 3-year old daughter (who will likely not be allowed to have friends if things continue like this). I have proposed therapy/counselling and she declined. I don't want my daughter to be a social miss-fit; I don't want difficult or breaking my home either; and I don't want to be isolated (my work is social-science inclined).

Please advise, thank you for reading and apologies for the long write-up.

Of course it matters if she is autistic! If she is, as with so many older undiagnosed autistic woman, she has probably gone through life wondering why she can't cope with the smells, sounds, and sensory overload of ordinary life, and yes parenthood sometimes, and blaming herself for it. She is probably in burnout having tried to carry on as normal and failed many times over. In these circumstances, a diagnosis would very much help her as she could stop blaming herself and try a develop strategies to help her cope.

However the paranoia and calling the world evil sounds more like a mental illness to me. She could be acutely depressed. Developing early onset dementia or a neurological condition.

Op you can't possibly make any serious decision about your marriage until you know what you are dealing with. Your wife urgently needs a full mental health assessment with someone who is well versed in ASD but is also a senior experienced psychiatrist.

One thing I would say op is that your family, with six siblings, all with spouses, could seem quite overwhelming to anyone. That is quite an unusual family situation nowadays too! Are you all of the same religious persuasion or culture perhaps? Hope you don't mind me asking but is there something else we are missing here? It seems strange to me that you would marry such an introverted person given your family background. Or did you marry her because she was different?

I also hate visiting my husbands family. It's because I can't stand aspects of their dynamics. They act as if they are close as hell then bitch about each other and wives relentlessly. Perhaps there is something weird like that in your family dynamics she's avoiding?

You must have known she didn't have friends when you met? It gets harder not easier to make friends later in life.

I also think she may be autistic? Or some women just decide the family thing isn't for them.

A child can't thrive with a mother who stays in her bedroom all day.

That. This child is 3. It's such an important age.

And all over this thread, people are telling OP to leave. Which would mean this child being alone with this mother for at least 50% of the time.

This is a MH issue, not just being introverted. And the child's wellbeing is massively important.

A quick skim of your original post (& having not read comments) gives me a strong sense that your wife has ADHD or a condition on the Autism spectrum.

It’s not just the comparative introversion, also the need for quiet time on her own to rest/limit overstimulation, perceived rejection & her harshness to herself therefore others.

So I would not dismiss her or assume that you are thoroughly incompatible.
She is not enjoying herself at your or others expense.

You are entirely reasonable to be concerned about the impact on your wellbeing & how the communication between you could be improved for the benefit of all of your family.

It sounds as though she has a mental health problem. A lot of people don't like parties or work socials, especially other people's, but this is far more than that. Not wanting to even see other family members and spending all your time locked away in a bedroom, is definitely not normal, nor the way you want to bring your child up. Avoiding children's birthday parties is cruel if your child doesn't get to go because of it. Children need to be around other people to become confident and social. Still, I doubt she is doing it out of malicious intent, she just clearly has a problem.

II'm an introvert, really, I could win olympic medals at it. I spend a great deal of time in our bedroom (when I'm not at work) because beloved spouse works from home, and uses the living room as an office. I am not keen on the podcasts etc she listens to, and she's currently also on New York time because of her contract. (I might be IN the bedroom but I'm using it as a living room/office.)

We have a very small living area, to get anywhere in the house you have to walk through it and the kitchen.

I love my IL's but I also don't want to spend 6 hours making polite talk with them whilst sitting on a hard, folding wooden chair (see below to find out why) I make snacks, make tea, spend as much time in a cramped environment with not enough chairs (for some reason one of our chairs is always covered with parcels that Beloved Spouse is about to dispatch from ebay sales (I'm not allowed to move the stuff on the chair because; reasons). I like to catch up on their family gossip, but I don't want to hear the same things 3 or four times!

I never liked school pick-up time but I did it every day when I wasn't at work. The clique-y mothers did not like me, and didn't have much in common. Nevertheless, Tiny Son has inherited the charismatic personality from the other side of the family and does just fine at communicating and making friends without my help. (Although I did do all the right things to ensure that he arrived at school fully socialised and able to read)

I an autistic spectrum disorder and also another heavily medicated neurological condition so I also spend a lot more time asleep than you might think necessary. I have a very “people-y job” and although I enjoy it and am very good at it I am exhausted at the end of the day.

Spouse and I do share a core group of friends but we also have our own (equally geeky but in different ways) friends. I have a couple of hundred friends who would help me at the drop of a carefully researched historical hat (Thank gods for the internet! (all hail anoia)) if I needed support.
I have NEVER Been to one of Dspouse’s work related events, why would I? She has only very rarely been to a couple of mine.

I wonder what the OP’s wife’s version of the OP would look like? Because her life sounds like mine, if you didn’t know what was actually going on behind the scenes.

She isn't weird, I live in a big ISH city, I have no real friends, I don't enjoy going out.
My happiest time was at lockdown with COVID when the world was quiet.
No she is not weird, just accept what she is and what makes her comfortable

It IS weird to stay in your bedroom rather that sit in the lounge with your husband, and it is weird to refuse to even go out to take your child to socialise. That is far beyond “I don’t enjoy going out”.

Only in your opinion

Come on now. She stays in on her bedroom ALL DAY, because:
she thinks it is the right thing to do because the world is 'evil'.

She stays in her bedroom ALL DAY despite having a three year old, who she needs to mother and parent.

She has recently dropped all her friends, calling them envious and stupid, and sees no-one.

She took down every photo with OP 's mother in.

This is not introversion, this is a mental health problem ou5t a personality disorder. And for her own sake, the OP's, send especially her child's, she needs some help.

I have been in a similar position and although I clearly don't know all the details, it sounds your wife may have an anxiety disorder, possibly linked to a neurodivergent condition such as autism and/or ADHD. My ex-partner suffered from anxiety, which I supported her with and can see some similarities.
However, I realise now that our relationship failed due to my neurodiverse symptoms (which were undiagnosed at the time). I have been having therapy, which does help. I think it's important to stress that receiving therapy does not mean there's 'something wrong' with your wife and receiving treatment for mental health is nothing to be ashamed of. I am so remorseful that I didn't realise I had a problem so much sooner and the devastation it's caused to the dreams of both me and my ex.
There's a long waiting time for therapy, during which, you can take yourself off the list. Even when your first appointment is offered, you can decline, so my advice would be to try to find someone who has received therapy and invite them around. The subject could be brought up in your wife's presence 'in passing' so it doesn't look like that's why you have invited them.
I really wish you well and can empathise with both you and your wife.

How about the DC?

Fine if it's just you. But not ok if you're in a partnership and have a child.

@DaddyKin I can't believe these replies that say that she doesn't do anything wrong.
A 3 years old growing up seeing the mother not interact with the father, lives in the bedroom and never goes out socialising with them?

It is extremely selfish- ok, she prefers to be alone - but she has a husband and a child! The fact that she thinks it's normal is scary.

I'm wondering how these replies would be if the husband decides to do this...I'm sure all these women here on mumsnet won't just say: let him be!

Such a difficult situation. Some people are genuinely never comfortable in social situations. To the point of feeling very ill if forced into it.It can be due to up- bringing, a social phobia, bad experiences, or just the way you are.
When two people have very different feelings about social occasions there are bound to be difficulties. It's unhelpful to criticise either party.
The only way through it as in many situations is to find a way to compromise. If that's impossible because 1 party will not or cannot, then there's a serious problem. There's no way for both to be happy.
If DW doesn't see the need to compromise just little now and then, for the sake of the marriage ( amd it's her decision) or is unable to do so, Op can unhappily accept the situation and carry on as is or decide that the relationship has sadly, run its course.

The world is a very different place for a woman. I know this because i have been through the same thing i say the same thing as your wife. most people will be nice to you simply because your a man. my husband has the same thing happen but to us its very different the whispering when your not around. the outright denial bad things are not happening. people telling her she is lazy because you take a kid to the park but they do not see what she does behind closed doors. have you asked her why she thinks the world is evil? find out what's happened to her, if you do not you're going to lose her and not in a good way. or is that your point? the fact that your on her looking for sympathy and not speaking to her tells me your more for the attention yourself, the world is evil. there is no doubt about that. but i am sure plenty of people on here will tell you what you want to hear.. Talk to your wife before she does something!!!

Doubt OP will be back, but taken on board what posters have wrote.

This.
Learn to love going out with your daughter.

Invite people to your home. You do all the preparation and all the cleaning up and continue to do that for all of your child's life.

Sometimes you will be lonely at work functions.

So my reply got deleted but THIS is allowed to stand?

Great! 🙄

Try to meet her at her level and be there. She sounds depressed and might need some help. It’s different if she’s an introvert and happy but something doesn’t sound right. Does she struggle with her connection with your dd? If you want a photo of your Mum back out then put it somewhere you’ll see it and she won’t. I am not interested in socialising with my dh family but he can go and have fun. I don’t want to be forced to do anything in fact and often spend a lot of time in my home when not at work. I really enjoy that though. Your life needs to be happy.

Have you reported it? It won't get deleted unless it's brought to the attention of the mods.

Ah. It's just gone

I am sorry to hear how hard things are, have you or her considered whether she may possibly had traits ASD - it may be that she finds the outside world very overwhelming, and socialising with people who she feels may not understand her needs.