My wife is a loner and this is having a negative effect on me and my daughter

[DaddyKin]

Dear parents/friends,

I am in a rather strange position and need some anonymous advise.
I am a very sociable person and I have been struggling to get along with my wife who happens to be a loner. She prefers spending time alone, all by herself and is not bordered about the consequences of that. Rather, she thinks it is the right thing to do because the world is 'evil'.
We have been married for 6 years, together for 8. From the start, she was not comfortable being around my mum and siblings, and I thought things would be better with time but that has just gone worse over the years. Sadly, my mum passed away not knowing why her daughter-in-law avoids her. Immediately after the funeral, she took down all pictures of my mum from our house and that's when I couldn't handle it and decided to ask what actually is the problem. Her excuses were that (1) my mum didn't get excited the first day i officially introduced her as my fiance; (2) I am the only nice person in our house, everyone else is weird. I thought these excuses were too silly and accused her of either not telling the truth about why she hates my family or she is just a trouble maker. This didn't go well.
Likewise, as the years went by, I noticed she withdraws from people, even the ones I thought were her friends, she calls them envious and stupid. Currently, in a city of over 700.000 people, she has no friend, she visits no one and no one visits her.
She doesn't like going out again with me to social gatherings (including other people's kids birthdays whereas we have a 3 year old); she doesn't show up even in my work functions; she stopped going to church. The last time she went to a networking event with me, she complained so much that we had to leave early. I felt like she went there on a fault finding mission, not a networking event.
When I try talking to her, she gets very defensive, accusing me of being too easy. She goes ahead to say she is a loner, she is comfortable with herself, she doesn't fit-in because she is different; and she doesn't need anyone's business in her life. At home, she is comfortable staying in the bedroom all day. If I don't go to chat with her, she won't join me in the lounge. It still feels nice when we get together, we easily get into each other's arms; however, I can't tell if she is being real or not; and I am beginning to loose feelings.
I find this very uncomfortable, because, in as much as I know her as an introvert largely due to growing up in a very controlled environment, it is negatively affecting my relationship with my family and social/networking life. I hardly attend social and networking events anymore because I don't want to be seen as the married man who is always alone. I have missed a few opportunities due to my absence which has been quite costly to me. I now stay away from family gatherings because I am tired of giving excuses for her absence (we are 6 siblings, all married, all come with their spouses).
This is affecting me negatively, i feel i'm being isolated from the world. This is not how I wanted to live my life, especially as this is not how it was at the start. I also think this is not a good experience for my 3-year old daughter (who will likely not be allowed to have friends if things continue like this). I have proposed therapy/counselling and she declined. I don't want my daughter to be a social miss-fit; I don't want difficult or breaking my home either; and I don't want to be isolated (my work is social-science inclined).

Please advise, thank you for reading and apologies for the long write-up.

@GustyFinknottle i have to say I agree with @BonifaceBonanza that the fact he is uncomfortable with being the lone husband is his problem. Being married doesn’t mean that your dwife or dh has to attend ANY networking at all or work function etc….

It doesn’t mean he has to be happy about it. But it’s not ok to then blame the OP if he missed opportunities either. He could have gone on his own.

All the rest about staying in one room etc… is a different issue. Part of it yes but certainly not the reason why he can blame his dwife for all his issues.

This is really strange. I've never met a parent yet who doesn't want to socialise their children. Does she encourage you to socialise with your daughter? I couldn't put up with any of this, I'd be out of the relationship.

Like a few PP, I would be really concerned about her mental health.

There's a difference between being a loner and describing the world as "evil", and isolating yourself at home to the point that you never spend time with your spouse unless they basically force you to.

DH and I both like our own company but we still go out together regularly - to coffee, to lunch, to walk the dog, for a day out somewhere etc.

I'd also be really concerned about the impact this kind of behaviour must be having on your daughter. Imagine having a mum who isolates herself like this?

Mmm i’m an introvert who is very happy in my own company and a bit of a loner but this does not sound like that. She even isolates from you at home and is very hostile to even getting along with anyone it seems. Sounds more like a misanthrope than a loner or some mental health issues. But I think it’s incredibly rude and hurtful that she not only refused to get to know your mother, she also removed images and voiced resentment after she died. That to me is not being a loner that’s something else.

She does seem to be isolating you although I would say don’t let any ideas of being embarrassed she isn’t with you stop you from going to events. You don’t even jane to make excuses you can say she really hates social events and be honest about it, tell your family and friends how it is and look to them for support. You should not be missing networking events just because she’s not there.

Taking down the photos was completely out of order, and doesn't really consider your feelings.

I think you are wrong to say her not going out is stopping you socialising. You absolutely can (and should) go to things on your own. Where I think she is very much in the wrong is the criticising and negativity. You should at the least be able to set some boundaries around that - she doesn't have to come with you if she doesn't want to. She doesn't get to criticise people that you like. Especially when she hasn't made an effort to know them. Equally, you should also be allowed to have people round your house too. Even more so with your child's friends.

What is her reaction to you putting down boundaries/drawing lines. e.g. the photos/pictures. What did she/would she say if you had said "the photos of my mum stay up". Or if you said she didn't have to meet X but you didn't want her criticising them around you/your child. Or "Y is coming round tonight. I am cooking, cleaning up etc "

OP has asked what they can do with no indication that he wants to separate. How are multiple posts suggesting separation helpful to him if this is the case?

What I have suggested are things that are absolutely in his control and which he is wrongly suggesting are his wife’s doing.

I’ve made no comment about her actions so you actually have no idea what I think about them.

I am very, very introverted, and work in a school. That really is enough socialisation for me, so I tend not to go out much other than when I go to work. If I'm being completely honest, it's bordering on social phobia or maybe agoraphobia, and I find it really hard to go anywhere on my own (other than the corner shop or the supermarket). This is just my personality, but there are some differences between my situation and your wife's. We regularly do family games nights and watch films together (I'm married with two teenagers). I text with my friends loads, and every now and then will visit one or have one visit me. I see my mum when I can, and my sister occasionally - they don't live nearby. And when the kids were little, of course I'd take them to the park, the farm, soft play and birthday parties. It's just what you do, because children need to learn to socialise, and they need real-life experiences too. I don't think your wife is going to change, so you need to decide if you can carry on living together harmoniously. You absolutely can go to all your social functions and family get-togethers alone, and you absolutely should take your daughter to toddler groups, parties, activities and whatever you both fancy. Good luck.

Not wanting to socialise is fine
Stopping your dc from socialising isn't
No one is stopping you from socialising and if your dp isn't you need to step up for your child

I hate when posters do this. Zoom in on one little thing and ignore the huge red flags of everything else. It's always the 'least' concerning thing too. How you've managed to read the OPs post and ignore these is astounding

This is affecting me negatively, i feel i'm being isolated from the world

At home, she is comfortable staying in the bedroom all day

it is negatively affecting my relationship with my family and social/networking life

I also think this is not a good experience for my 3-year old daughter (who will likely not be allowed to have friends if things continue like this)

For the sake of your child you do need to find a way to cope as the lone husband.

Don’t agree with this comment. This man has come for advice and has raised valid concerns .

Going out to socialise on your own is something you will just have to get used to, OP. It’s fine, lots of people do it. After the first few times you don’t even notice.

Your wife doesn’t sound well - introvert is one thing, staying in her bedroom and seeing the world as evil is something else! It’s not healthy and it’s not a good environment for a child.

Do you think she’d be receptive to talking about therapy or seeing a GP?

How does she interact with your DD if she's in her room all the time? What happens when you're not there?

She sounds a misery. You font need to be saddled with somebody like this for three rest of your life. She sounds selfish too. I would get your plans ready to split up. If you don't want to leave good luck. You will need it. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery.,

You don't seem at all concerned about your wife here, just yourself and the optics. Even your daughter only gets a passing mention at the end.

@DaddyKin I know her as an introvert largely due to growing up in a very controlled environment

Who grew up in a very controlled environment? You or her? I think upbringing and possible childhood trauma is really important to understand the bigger picture here. Do you feel comfortable sharing more info?

I now stay away from family gatherings because I am tired of giving excuses for her absence

You don’t need to give any excuses for her. If you want to go to a family gathering then go! All you need to say is “I’ve asked Wife to come but she doesn’t want to”. That’s it. Don’t let her stop you from attending any family events.

i feel i'm being isolated from the world.

Is she physically and coercively stopping you from attending events, seeing friends and being social? Because if so, that is abuse and you need to leave the relationship.

I also think this is not a good experience for my 3-year old daughter (who will likely not be allowed to have friends if things continue like this)

Your 3yo can absolutely NOT be couped up in a house all day everyday. Does she go to nursery? Do you take her out to the park, softplay or for meals? Does she get to see other family and grandparents? What’s the set up here?

Do you believe your wife is suffering from mental health problems or do you think she is more on the antisocial and lazy side?

You are free to leave the relationship and live life how you want to. But it’s concerning that there is a child involved who seems like she is getting no socialisation.

Why quote me? I didn't suggest they separate? He said he's concerned that his wife is staying in her room, she's stopped doing things like going to church, she's called the rest of the world evil and won't socialise with their 3-year-old and you respond thus:

I wonder if on some level it suits you to have less social interaction and that blaming your wife for your own choices makes this more acceptable to you?
Honestly I really mean that you are choosing not to do these things for your own reasons, and attempting to make it your wife’s problem, but why?

'My wife prefers to spend her day alone in the bedroom and calls other people evil and I'm worried and unhappy about the situation' And you say 'Why are you making this your wife's problem, maybe it suits you?' Seriously?

The woman is clearly in trouble and needs help of some kind. But more importantly than that she has a three-year-old. Being 'cared for' by a depressed/ delusional/ demotivated/ exceptionally socially isolated mother is a terrible start in life. The child deserves better.

Isn't it astounding the excuses some posters on here make just to tell a man he's 'wrong'.

I really mean that you are choosing not to do these things for your own reasons, and attempting to make it your wife’s problem, but why?

Absolutely shocking response to such a serious OP.

I’m an introvert and dread social interactions and Dh’s family. I do those things anyway because not everything is about me. It sounds like a severe mental health issue. It’s awful for a child to have a parent that refuses to do things with them. It drags the whole family down.

To be brutal I think you need an ultimatum, therapy or you will go and take your Dd with you so she can have a fulfilling life. This is not a healthy environment for your DD at all.

How have you managed to make this OP’s fault???

It doesn't really matter is she is autistic, the impact on OP and his daughter is the same.

OP, your wife sounds to me like someone who has high social anxiety and has defensively created a fiction that everyone is ' evil' and 'weird' rather than face up to the fact that she finds social situations challenging.

I agree with others that she will never change - she has already found her solution which is a life alone - and that this will make for a miserable life for you.

You need to think about your daughter too though. The only thing that would make me stay with her is if she would get majority custody of the daughter, which I think would be disastrous her, as you say. Personally I would take the sacrifice of staying until the daughter was more older and able to make her own decisions about who she wanted to live with.

I would also make staying bearable by making my own life, independently of my wife. Stop refusing social invitations and networking because she won't go. No one else is that interested if you go alone or not. Build a separate life for yourself until you can leave your wife.

Unless you exaggerated regarding her condition, I am concern about her mental health. Staying all day in bed is not being an introvert, its reeks of depression (something I had experienced as a teenager). I would seek professional help or at the very least do some research on it.

OP she sounds unbearable and this is no way to live. Sitting in her bedroom all day, when she has a 3 year old ffs. If she’s not depressed and is refusing any help, then I would leave, and try hard to take my child with me. She can’t be a very good mother if she won’t leave her bedroom or enable her child to socialise.

OP ignore the people saying this is your fault. Some people on MN hate men so much they will always blame the man. If you’d posted this as a woman, talking about your reclusive husband, you’d have had 100% support.

I think the 'just go on your own' advice is kind of missing the point. Of course he can venture out without his wife but it sounds like an incredibly unhealthy relationship and not something I would be willing to entertain in the long run. I'm not joined at the hip with my wife, we both do separate things at times be it one of us chilling at home and the other going out to socialise/gym etc but we do go out together more often then not as we enjoy each others company and share mutual friends.

Isn't it astounding the excuses some posters on here make just to tell a man he's 'wrong'.

I wasn't sure if it was just sexism or whether @BonifaceBonanza is one of MN's many reclusive posters who live their lives in their bedrooms with the curtains drawn and thinks it's perfectly normal.

Kudos to the introverted people who've posted on here describing the stress they feel when socialising but doing it anyway for their own and their children's and family's health. Agoraphobia (or whatever) must be terrible but normalising total isolation is even worse.

My SIL is a very experienced early years specialist and talks of the huge increase in numbers of children arriving at school without speech/ language/ social skills because they've grown up living with a reclusive parent who hasn't talked or encouraged them. This is a massive issue: there's a fairly limited window of time for a child to develop language. Once it's passed it's very difficult to catch up.