My wife is a loner and this is having a negative effect on me and my daughter

[DaddyKin]

Dear parents/friends,

I am in a rather strange position and need some anonymous advise.
I am a very sociable person and I have been struggling to get along with my wife who happens to be a loner. She prefers spending time alone, all by herself and is not bordered about the consequences of that. Rather, she thinks it is the right thing to do because the world is 'evil'.
We have been married for 6 years, together for 8. From the start, she was not comfortable being around my mum and siblings, and I thought things would be better with time but that has just gone worse over the years. Sadly, my mum passed away not knowing why her daughter-in-law avoids her. Immediately after the funeral, she took down all pictures of my mum from our house and that's when I couldn't handle it and decided to ask what actually is the problem. Her excuses were that (1) my mum didn't get excited the first day i officially introduced her as my fiance; (2) I am the only nice person in our house, everyone else is weird. I thought these excuses were too silly and accused her of either not telling the truth about why she hates my family or she is just a trouble maker. This didn't go well.
Likewise, as the years went by, I noticed she withdraws from people, even the ones I thought were her friends, she calls them envious and stupid. Currently, in a city of over 700.000 people, she has no friend, she visits no one and no one visits her.
She doesn't like going out again with me to social gatherings (including other people's kids birthdays whereas we have a 3 year old); she doesn't show up even in my work functions; she stopped going to church. The last time she went to a networking event with me, she complained so much that we had to leave early. I felt like she went there on a fault finding mission, not a networking event.
When I try talking to her, she gets very defensive, accusing me of being too easy. She goes ahead to say she is a loner, she is comfortable with herself, she doesn't fit-in because she is different; and she doesn't need anyone's business in her life. At home, she is comfortable staying in the bedroom all day. If I don't go to chat with her, she won't join me in the lounge. It still feels nice when we get together, we easily get into each other's arms; however, I can't tell if she is being real or not; and I am beginning to loose feelings.
I find this very uncomfortable, because, in as much as I know her as an introvert largely due to growing up in a very controlled environment, it is negatively affecting my relationship with my family and social/networking life. I hardly attend social and networking events anymore because I don't want to be seen as the married man who is always alone. I have missed a few opportunities due to my absence which has been quite costly to me. I now stay away from family gatherings because I am tired of giving excuses for her absence (we are 6 siblings, all married, all come with their spouses).
This is affecting me negatively, i feel i'm being isolated from the world. This is not how I wanted to live my life, especially as this is not how it was at the start. I also think this is not a good experience for my 3-year old daughter (who will likely not be allowed to have friends if things continue like this). I have proposed therapy/counselling and she declined. I don't want my daughter to be a social miss-fit; I don't want difficult or breaking my home either; and I don't want to be isolated (my work is social-science inclined).

Please advise, thank you for reading and apologies for the long write-up.

Yes, and that her one time "friends" are "jealous and stupid". I'm surprised at the number of posters saying her behaviour is normal and the OP is the problem! But this is MN, where no one answers their door and friends are nothing but trouble.

This. The big red flag is that you don't think your daughter will be allowed friends. My parents were like this and I hated them for it. My friends were only allowed in the house if it was arranged ages in advance, my mum used to hide up the road away from the school gates away from other parents and they used to make out that having friends was a negative thing. It was utterly miserable.

Your wife sounds quite selfish and self absorbed. Please don't allow her to do this to your daughter

This is very similar to my MIL. She used to spend all her days in her room, mainly staring out of the window. My DH and his siblings would never have gone anywhere as children if their uncle hadn’t taken them out, as their Dad worked long hours. No play dates and definitely no sleep overs. No mental health issues, she was just unsociable. My DH often talks about how miserable and boring his childhood was, and how he couldn’t wait to get away. I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but please consider the kind of life your daughter will have.

Sorry but I dont believe she could be "spending all her days in the bedroom staring out the window" with no MH issues.

Thanks, @GustyFinknottle - I am one of those PPs. As well as being an introvert+++ and just not enjoying many social occasions, I'm a severe depressive, but fortunately not all of the time. I'm medicated for life, and make sure I keep my mind incredibly busy. Because it isn't just about me. My DDs needed me to help them socialise and make friends, to take them to school and swimming and dancing lessons, to Brownies and Guides and their friends' houses. I've just got back from a week with DH's large family. I don't look forward to it, but I make the best of it and try hard. They understand when I need to go for a walk or read a book for a bit.

The more I think about it, the more different this seems to the OP's wife, who is unable or unwilling to try to do things. Being introverted and possibly depressed is one thing, but she also sounds very passive and also paranoid. I am worried for their DD, and glad that she has a dad who realises this isn't normal and wants to address the issue.

OP, I think your wife needs urgent attention for her MH. Only you know if you can continue to live with her of she can't or won't change.

This. You have a choice. Either you stay with her and be the person who ensures that your child is socialised; this is absolutely vital for their wellbeing and chances in life. Or, you separate and go for 50:50 custody and ensure that during your time with your child they are socialised as above. Keep up a good relationship with their preschool/school in this situation, so that they are aware of safeguarding issues in the other parent’s home.

If your wife doesn’t want to help herself and won’t let you do so, then all you can do - must do - is protect your child.

I accused her of either not telling the truth about why she hates my family or she is just a trouble maker. This didn't go well.
Not surprising that didn't go well! So, she's either a liar or a 'trouble maker'? I understand your frustration but it's hard to force someone like this to do something they're so uncomfortable with. A bit like asking someone with a fear of heights to go up the Eiffel Tower. She acknowledges she's a 'loner' and 'different' but it's become extreme. She doesn't hate your family, she feels very uncomfortable socially with them no matter how nice they may be.

I have proposed therapy/counselling and she declined
Good idea but she doesn't want to seek help, that's the problem. She's got herself into a very deep rut and it's safe there. If you think she can be 'cured' or transformed into a person who likes family events, works do's etc you're very mistaken. She might be helped to tackle her MH issues and participate to a level she's able to for the benefit of family life though. It could improve.

There's so many possible explanations for her behaviour > agoraphobia, ASD, sociophobia, social anxiety, depression, avoidant personality disorder etc but whatever label you put on it things have become untenable for you and unpromising for DD. You need to consider separation if your wife won't try to get better rather than retreating from the world.

I would never have married such a loner. You were very foolish to think she'd change. I'd divorce.

It is relevant though. Not because it puts the poster in the "wrong" but because, if he feels he can'/shouldn't socialise alone that will have a big impact on his own (and his daughters) quality of life. Plus, if he starts ignoring his wife's introversion, and going out without her, the wife will either be completely unbothered by this, OR she will increase her criticisms of those people/start to cause issues for the OP etc. That will actually give more clues as to the reasons for her behaviour and what he should do (if the latter then she is at least subconsciously trying to isolate him and that's a problem.) But if he is saying "she doesn't mind if I go out, but I don't go out just in case" even he doesn't know for sure what sort of relationship he is in.

Low key agree with her re: the world.

You can't change her. She is who she is.

I find this quite a weasely abdication of any responsibility to contributing to the healthy wellbeing of the relationship. Simply shrugging and saying 'this is who I am' when there are clearly cracks in the marriage is a bit of a crap attitude.

That's not what the poster meant at all. It's the least relevant part of OPs concerns. Even if that part was able to be managed, it doesn't help all the other issues. She's still going to isolate herself in the bedroom, she's still not going to socialise her child. She's still going to be paranoid.

Some of these replies! Only a week or so ago, a man had his arse handed to him on a plate because he didn't want to socialise with his wife's friends or attend events or weddings etc. Yet this is ok. OP, I couldn't cope with this either. It is possible she's neurodiverse, but she's also been quite cruel. She can only be isolating you if she is preventing you from having a relationship with your family. It doesn't appear she is, so I'd go without her and make absolutely sure your child is able to attend parties and social events. For me, this would be a reason to reconsider the relationship.

You need to leave - and potentially get custody of your daughter.

This is no way to live for you and your daughter. Children need to socialise and it sounds like she would hinder this.

I was thinking about that thread too. Called all the names under the Sun, and plenty of shaming /emotional blackmail messages like imagine how your wife feels, you abandoned her, imagine her going by herself to events , so lonely, having to explain, your poor wife.

I’m an introvert and I do not behave like this.

I’d split up. It’s doesn’t sound as if you’re really that into each other any more. Once your part, it will be more normal to go to events alone. When you have your daughter, you can help her to socialise with her peers.

@NowImNotDoingIt The double standards drive me mad 🙄

She should be single.
I'm similar in many aspects, never had kids and married a very decent man three decades older.
Just because I'm a loner by choice and mostly prefer to be by myself.
Socialize with your kid yourself and talk to your wife without being judgemental, or get divorced
and share the custody of your child.
She should have known better. Mr. Hindsight
is a wonderful thing.

Sounds like she has her own issues and demons.
If you are stating married to her, please continue to socialise yourself and your child and don't let her foist these odd ideas on your child, making her into a recluse too.

It doesn't sound like your compatible at all.

I would struggle staying with someone like that. Especially if you have a child. I don't think it's fair on your DC to potentially not be allowed friends to come over.

It sounds like she hasn't changed though and she was like that from a get go. You can't expect someone to change.

Think hard if you can continue living like this.

I’m sorry, but this is way beyond someone just being ‘a loner’ or two people being ‘incompatible’. Your wife honestly sounds quite unwell, mentally.

Plenty of people dislike socialising. That’s fine. I’m very introverted myself; I socialise very infrequently. But what you’re describing is not an introvert. What you’re describing is someone who is bitter and angry, paranoid and mistrustful, and ultra controlling. She sounds hellbent on isolating you and your daughter - she reminds me of those ‘preppers’ who go off-grid and deny their families contact with the outside world under the pretence of keeping them ‘safe’.

But the fact that your wife says this is because the world is ‘evil’ is not normal. That’s irrational and paranoid. Taking down your pictures of your late mother was an awful and cruel thing to do, as is trying to isolate you and your child from your own family. It’s actually terrifying that she is unlikely to allow your child to have friends, and I worry for your daughter.

I wonder if your wife is possibly Autistic? There is a big difference between 'liking your own company' to avoiding social functions, staying in the bedroom and not venturing downstairs etc. Many people with Autism, suffer with social anxiety. Being in a room with lots of people and noise, would be their idea of a nightmare. It may be she can't cope with social situations. As for removing your Mum's pictures, sometimes, a person with Autism, sees things in a very black/white manner. You Mum passed away, so in her mind, there's no reason for the pictures to be there anymore. Autism can make it hard for them to have empathy etc because they can't read social cues or facial expressions etc. Maybe contact a Autism charity, for advice and gently make a suggestion to your wife that she needs to seek help. This type of social avoidance, is not a healthy environment for your daughter. You aren't there all the time, if you're working, so your daughter is going to miss out.

I think this is excellent advice op read it twice

Op you haven't said if your wife works? Do you work? Who is caring for the child in the day and who is taking child on preschool runs etc? If it's your wife then that could easily be enough to drain an introvert social battery.

I écho everyone saying you do the social stuff for your kid and go to networking and family without wife. One active parent is plenty for your child not to suffer, but you do need to step up, you have a responsibility to your child it's not just a mother's job.

I also agree with those saying consider autism. It's common for women to have masked all their life, always felt wrong but not knowing why. Having a child could have triggered a burnout. In which case the best help is leave her alone to fully recharge. That might go some way to explain why she didn't realise taking the photos down was hurtful thing to do, however I'm autistic and would not be so obvious. That action of hers is really nasty. Why would she want to hurt you? Does this sort of thing happen a lot? Do you want to be with someone actively hurting you?

I don't think her wanting to avoid people is her hurting you. And she's allowed not to like the people you like that's not hurting you. It's her comments about those people that might be intended to hurt you