My wife is a loner and this is having a negative effect on me and my daughter

[DaddyKin]

Dear parents/friends,

I am in a rather strange position and need some anonymous advise.
I am a very sociable person and I have been struggling to get along with my wife who happens to be a loner. She prefers spending time alone, all by herself and is not bordered about the consequences of that. Rather, she thinks it is the right thing to do because the world is 'evil'.
We have been married for 6 years, together for 8. From the start, she was not comfortable being around my mum and siblings, and I thought things would be better with time but that has just gone worse over the years. Sadly, my mum passed away not knowing why her daughter-in-law avoids her. Immediately after the funeral, she took down all pictures of my mum from our house and that's when I couldn't handle it and decided to ask what actually is the problem. Her excuses were that (1) my mum didn't get excited the first day i officially introduced her as my fiance; (2) I am the only nice person in our house, everyone else is weird. I thought these excuses were too silly and accused her of either not telling the truth about why she hates my family or she is just a trouble maker. This didn't go well.
Likewise, as the years went by, I noticed she withdraws from people, even the ones I thought were her friends, she calls them envious and stupid. Currently, in a city of over 700.000 people, she has no friend, she visits no one and no one visits her.
She doesn't like going out again with me to social gatherings (including other people's kids birthdays whereas we have a 3 year old); she doesn't show up even in my work functions; she stopped going to church. The last time she went to a networking event with me, she complained so much that we had to leave early. I felt like she went there on a fault finding mission, not a networking event.
When I try talking to her, she gets very defensive, accusing me of being too easy. She goes ahead to say she is a loner, she is comfortable with herself, she doesn't fit-in because she is different; and she doesn't need anyone's business in her life. At home, she is comfortable staying in the bedroom all day. If I don't go to chat with her, she won't join me in the lounge. It still feels nice when we get together, we easily get into each other's arms; however, I can't tell if she is being real or not; and I am beginning to loose feelings.
I find this very uncomfortable, because, in as much as I know her as an introvert largely due to growing up in a very controlled environment, it is negatively affecting my relationship with my family and social/networking life. I hardly attend social and networking events anymore because I don't want to be seen as the married man who is always alone. I have missed a few opportunities due to my absence which has been quite costly to me. I now stay away from family gatherings because I am tired of giving excuses for her absence (we are 6 siblings, all married, all come with their spouses).
This is affecting me negatively, i feel i'm being isolated from the world. This is not how I wanted to live my life, especially as this is not how it was at the start. I also think this is not a good experience for my 3-year old daughter (who will likely not be allowed to have friends if things continue like this). I have proposed therapy/counselling and she declined. I don't want my daughter to be a social miss-fit; I don't want difficult or breaking my home either; and I don't want to be isolated (my work is social-science inclined).

Please advise, thank you for reading and apologies for the long write-up.

Your wife is introverted and you need to accept this. It is a good example for your DD as well who should learn how to accept people who are different.

However, your wife isn’t without fault. Taking down the pictures of your mum immediately after the funeral was not her decision to do. As it was your mum, she should have deferred to you and your feelings about pictures around the house.

Stop expecting her to attend your family and work functions. Instead of making lame excuses, why not say ‘my wife is introverted and a bit of a hermit’ so people know she isn’t avoiding them. You should still attend social and networking events on your own. You can’t blame her for you not going.

Your wife is likely hiding out in her room because she doesn’t want to be pressured into going to a social or work event with you. Once you accept her, she will be more comfortable around you.

For your DD and friends you will just have to be a default to arrange play dates, take your DD places and be host when DD has friends over (while your wife can chill in her room). I know this adds a lot of work on you, so negotiate other household tasks your wife can do so the workload is more even.

I agree, can you work less so you can have more involvement with your daughter?
And if you separate definitely look for a significant amount of shared time with your daughter (especially school pick ups).

There is only one thing to do divorce.

You options are :

1. Split up, because the odds of her changing are close to 0. This is who you married.

1. Stay , but stop worrying about what other people think and how it looks like and just enjoy yourself. Go to the parties and gatherings, take your DD to any and all events and socialise as you want and should for her wellbeing and development.

1. Stay, keep as you are , become more and more resentful, until you end up splitting up anyway, but in an acrimonious and possibly hating each other way.

1. Stay and see if there's room for compromise and she's willing to try little bits here and there , especially for DD. You might be able to drag it along for a while that way.

Time to divorce and find someone more compatible. She won't change, will make yours and dds life's hell. Please don't put your dd through this

She won’t change.

You either find a way to live with it or you split up. I would definitely choose the latter.

Split please . She needs help this isn’t Normal. Your dd deserves a normal happy life not living like a hermit. I’d be seeking full custody on the basis if she gets her it will damage her childhood and possibly adulthood . Your dd needs to be out and learning things not staying at home while her mum locks herself in the bedroom.

You are fundamentally mismatched and may be better off divorcing. Your wife may be using you as a crutch instead of being an active participant in life. I say this as a massive introvert with ADHD.

However, in the meantime, please continue to socialise with your friends and family.

Too long a story but DH and I socialise separately with our separate friends and family. It’s fine, my family don’t question it any more and neither do his.

There is a big difference between:
a - finding too much company exhausting and benefitting from time alone to recharge, and
b - actively not liking other people and being critical of them.
I am very introverted and fall into the a category, but I like people, enjoy one to one conversation, I'm fascinated by people and generally see the positive in them. It sounds to me like your wife is in the b category. Does she like anyone at all? Does she occasionally find a person who is similar to her to get along with? I think if she doesn't like people, there is a problem in her that goes beyond being introverted and that should be addressed.

It sounds lonely for you.

I try hard to be social for my husband so that he feels supported. We compromise.

I wonder what she thinks she’s bringing to the relationship, given she doesn’t even bother visiting her own husband at home? I’m as introverted as they come but even I’d divorce her.

I couldn't subject my daughter to a childhood like that. She is too young to have to worry about a mother who stays in her bedroom all day, who won't take her out, who denies her friendships, who denies her healthy family relationships. I can't see that there is a way for you to be your daughter's role model within this marriage, your wife is simply not willing or able to change. It grossly dysfunctional for your daughter to grow up with this as her only reference of family life.

That's quite miserable though. It's possible to be a happy positive person and not like socialising, but the critical nature would be really hard to live with.

I absolutely couldn't live like this, there's one thing being introverted and another being downright rude (re the photos of your Mum) and not considering that once you're married, you DO take on an element of responsibility for your spouse's life experience with you.

I second a PP, does she have ASD?

It's not your wife's responsibility to attend things with you, just because you don't want to look like a husband on your own.

As others have said, you are fundamentally mismatched, and the kindest thing to do, would be to separate.

I agree with PP that this isn't normal, even the MN introverts aren't that extreme and it's not a healthy way for children to grow up. It does sound like she needs support with her mental health.

In the meantime I'd find away to start taking your child to the social events that you want. If people ask I'd tell them that your DW is ill and simply not up to it at the moment.

If you can't cope being married to someone like this and she isn't willing to look at getting some help I wouldn't blame you for leaving.

I agree with the other posters for flagging possible autism, what were her parents like? Girls are much more likely to mask effectively than boys, which is consequently bad for their mental health. So you end up with autism plus mental health issues plus burnout. Maybe there is a complex cocktail going on that you are unaware of.
However I also agree that there's not so much you can do, you know who she is as she has told you clearly so you have a decision to make.

. I don't want my daughter to be a social miss-fit; I don't want difficult or breaking my home either; and I don't want to be isolated (my work is social-science inclined).

I was advising the OP in respect of their criteria. They want their daughter to socialise, they don't want to break up and they don't want to be isolated.

I'd love to hear your solution.

Agree with you there @Applesonthelawn
She seems hyper critical of people, not just "preferring her own company" like most healthy introverts do.
This is the bit that would bother me.
Taking down the photos and calling OPs family "weird" also suggests her intolerance and disrespect towards them. This isn't about being an introvert.

You are doing what abusive men do when they are gaslighting women, @BonifaceBonanza DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. I'm usually the last person to stick up for a man, but your response is extremely unfair and wide of the mark. I presume you're someone who prefers to spend their life alone, without social contact, and seeing someone ask questions about that has made you defensive.

The OP is allowed to describe from his point of view what's going on and have his own feelings about it. He's allowed to feel that this isn't what he signed up for when they married. He's allowed to feel that his options and social life are negatively impacted by his wife's refusal or inability to socialise or make friends or behave in the way that most couples would take as read.

OP, if when you got together your wife had friends and was socialising to some extent (church etc) and now she isn't, she's changed. It might have been Covid, when an awful lot of people developed social anxiety: it might be the internet — an awful lot of people seem to have descended into an antisocial 'the whole world is evil' kind of mass delusion. It might be depression. Maybe she bitterly regrets marriage and having a child.

It's not normal to spend your day in one room and not come out when your partner comes home from work. It sounds as if your wife needs help. But more than that, what impact is this having on your child? A child can't thrive with a mother who stays in her bedroom all day. Forget your wife for a moment: why isn't your child your main concern?

It's widely acknowledged that this kind of social isolation is very bad for people. It does people good to go out and mix with others, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. Social isolation is linked to depression and even dementia and if she's not getting out of bed and not getting exercise she'll be experiencing physical deterioration too.

This sounds like a MH problem.
The comment that the world is evil is very odd indeed.

Does she have a family of origin and does she stay in contact with them, visit, etc?
Any old school or university friends?

Does she do any outings at all with DD?
Does DD attend nursery or playgroups?
Who brings DD to these places, if she goes?

Who goes grocery shopping?
Does your wife work outside the home?
How does she get along with colleagues if so?

How is her relationship with DD?
Warm?
Do they have fun together?
Do you hear laughter when they're together?

That’s all there is to say, isn’t it.

I’m a bit of a loner but I don’t think the world is evil and I’m happy to see family and friends regularly I also just enjoy being by myself most of the time. My husband is a loner as well so this suits us fine as we enjoy solitary hobbies and then spending quality time together as well.

Your wife isn’t just a loner she sounds paranoid, hypersensitive and withdrawn. I think she’d benefit from a chat with her doctor and perhaps some mental health support.

If she has become more withdrawn over the years and describes the world as evil, could she be suffering from a progressive mental illness?

It doesn't sound like she has changed but she does sound quite unwell.

You dont sound like you like her much. Why do you want to continue this marriage? Why is your child's social life solely your wife's responsibility? What is stopping you from organising ply dates at the weekend either at home or at a venue? Would you and your child be better off apart from her?

You have a choice

• you accept that your dwife doesn’t like social stuff. So you go there on yor own. It’s not an issue. You have the ready made excuse that you have a 3yo at home with no other childcare. That shouldn’t stop you from attending networking events with work. Or to see your own friends.
• you divorce because you want someone to go out with.

In the mean time, if you feel this is impacting your dd because she is missing out on birthday parties etc… you take your dd to said birthday parties. Yes even if it’s mainly mums there.

I also suspect your dwife hasn’t changed. She was masking the hell out and, as it is always tte case with masking, you can’t keep it up forever.
What you can’t do is to blame her for you being uncomfortable going places on your own or being seen as ‘the lone husband’ whatever that means (I’ve seriously never encountered that expression or this issue).