Morning battles leaving me in tears

[TeainanIV]

I'm at my wits end with my 3 year old - in the last two months we have daily battles getting her dressed. She only wants to wear dresses, no idea why, and refuses to wear anything else. The issue is, when it's a day like today where it's throwing it down with rain and super windy we need her to wear leggings and a top as it's too cold for the summer dresses she favours.

I'm currently crying in my bedroom now as she's been screaming (and I mean screaming) for the last 45 minutes. Both husband and I are late for work, we haven't even brushed her teeth yet - another trauma that involves pinning her down whilst she screams. This is every single morning and evening (when factoring in tooth brushing) and I'm completely done with it.

In every other way she's a brilliant child and we don't have these huge meltdowns. But I'm finding it so hard to cope each morning and evening. I'm also 29 weeks pregnant and it's getting increasingly more difficult to manage them due to bump. I'm now wracked with guilt as I've essentially had to force her in to her clothes, why do toddlers have the strength of the Hulk when they're in the middle of a meltdown?

We've tried so many different methods to avoid these massive meltdowns - we let her pick her clothes (but it's always a dress she chooses), when a dress isn't possible we provide options for her to pick from, we try picking the night before to avoid morning stress, we discuss the weather with her to preempt clothes - nothing works and it's exhausting.

Is this normal?! She is so strong willed, which in many ways I love, but I'm beginning to dread mornings now as it's horrendous - and god knows what our neighbours must think!! Thank you, from one overwhelmed and exhausted Mum 😫

Not RTFT but I have a suggestion. Given that you're heavily pregnant and the battle seems to be in the morning... could you get her dressed in her flouncy dress at bedtime, after a bath, then in the morning just clean knickers and wash face and hands.
I had a particularly tantrum-y DD about getting dressed in the morning- I think it was about being a bit hazy and wanting to do things at her own pace, which isn't practical unfortunately.
Stick the leggings or tights in the nursery bag with wellies.
Buy that revolting strawberry or watermelon toothpaste and see if that helps on the toothbrushing, but that's one I've held all mine down for and just got it done.

I'm 67 years old and I was that child. I hated wearing trousers, jumpers, woolly tights, layers of any description and generally anything warm, itchy or restrictive. I insisted on wearing dresses even when it was snowing. The only difference is that my mother would give me a good hard smack across the back of the legs if I really acted up, which of course cut down on the tantrum aspect, but bear in mind it was 1960 and obviously I'm not advocating that!

My mum eventually bought me some lovely, long sleeved autumn dresses variously made of corduroy and velvet like material which I absolutely adored. I'm still "odd" about clothes. I hate layers, labels, anything itchy or restrictive so I never grew out of it.

But plenty of people get their way on things all the time. Ds1 asked me to make lasagne for dinner, so I am. I hardly think that makes him spoiled. It seems perfectly reasonable to let a child wear what they want. She will either be comfortable and have a better day, or be cold and learn a lesson on clothing suiting weather conditions.

@TeainanIV been in your situation and it was awful! Thankfully now that baby has arrived, a few months down the line, my DD is a lot better in the mornings. I couldn't imagine the meltdowns with a baby in tow but she had grown out of them. Once baby arrived I also sat down DD and had a chat about how I needed her to helpful in the mornings and it seemed to help.

Pick your battles- toothbrush non negotiable. But let her wear whatever she wants with more suitable stuff in nursery bag. Not sure why your nursery can't work with that?

There was one awful morning I dropped her at nursery still in PJ's with clothes in a bag...

This sounds like a very sensible approach. Sometimes we just need to be reminded that things aren’t as big a deal as we’re making them.

It’s rough (and an incredible privilege) bringing up a small feisty child! But managing to parent without stamping all over their personalities is vital.

Children have so little of their lives that they’re in control of, try to let her have control in situations like this.

@TeainanIV it's so hard isnt it! Definitely pick your battles time, at least it is here!

Oh no I thought I'd cracked it with the toothbrush...! I look forward to the battle commencing in a month (if we're lucky!). I'm minded to take mine to the dentist.., the dentist nicely convinced (scared) her into giving up the dummy last year so maybe it'll be the same with brushing!

Your daughter sounds so similar to mine, so excited about "her" baby and so engaged, but there is definitely some massive behaviour too! We are just trying to let go what we can, make sure she's getting lots of "mummy time" (i think this is what my daughter is anxious about loosing) and holding firm on the boundaries important to us.

I won't lie, the behaviour grates me down to my last nerve being so pregnant/hormonal/tired/huge now. "Mummy, mummy, mummy, no, no, no" really is hard atm, and I think we hit fever pitch too a couple of weeks ago. I've had to have a long think about whether its my hormones or something worth fighting/correcting and hubby and i have had a long chat about it to make sure we're on the same page. I didnt want him being sole bad cop and making things worse for himself (she LOVES him but only mummy will do atm) when frankly i know im letting an awful things go to survive! He mentioned to me I was being lax, and I was basically like yep i am but cut me some slack... what do you want to do, it's not forever! And, I've enlisted nurseries help with talking about baby 2 etc.

Neither of our children are spoilt - they are three, with mummy's they adore who now have a (sizeable in my case!) bump and they just dont know what that actually means and do to with their emotions.

We've got this - dont beat yourself up its not worth it - and you're not alone lovely xx

Definitely let her wear whatever she wants.

Maybe take her to the dentist if she hasn't been before. Get some books about the importance of brushing teeth. I wouldn’t hold her down, I think this could create anxiety around teeth and dental appointments.

Ps @TeainanIV have you got your mat leave date agreed yet? I feel so much more relaxed now mines agreed, it's sort if chunked my mind into "five more weeks of working, preggo and parenting" and it feels like the finish line/getting easier for a stint is round the corner now! X

Let her wear just a dress, then pack for nursery extra clothes and let them have the battle! It sounds very sensory to me, my son is a very sensory child- I tried to put him in trousers after month of shorts and he really wasn't having any of it. He also hated certain t shirts, and I have discovered it's the labels. She might just struggle with the feeling of anything on her legs. Maybe try looser clothing like joggers under her dresses. She might look ridiculous but it's only for nursery they will understand!

I decided to sort out head on my son's refusal of reigns. Started at weekend when doing nothing, put on the harness had two solid hours of tantrums, hour of sniffing, then accepted it. Next day 30 mins of tantrums then accepted. Next day he was absolutely fine with it. Kept up for a week wearing it for an hour around the house, one day he asked for it to be put on!
He is three too.

@TeainanIV I've not read all comments but would be wear some long socks with the dress if leggings aren't working? Or maybe take her shopping and see if there are any leggings she would wear? And she can choose them?

You're doing great though and this is unfortunately what toddlers are like. My neice when through a phase of wearing princess dresses

My daughter was the same, I just put leggings under it or knee length socks and short under it. I basically worked around the dress as it kept her happy!

This was my Tuesday morning with my just turned 4y. Here are 2 options.
I want the stripes like you. Put on stripy leggings and half put on the stripey top. No I want the ladybird top I wore yesterday. Got it out of the washing basket. A bit dirty but passable and I have a strict 30 minutes up and leave the house time table on a Tuesday so it would do
I don't want stripes I want green to match the top. Found her green socks happy ... No stripes

Wednesday it took us 2h to do breakfast getting dressed and teeth and involved a full naked meltdown. She wanted dinner not breakfast and she wanted to get dressed before having her teeth done but once undressed she changed her mind and wanted teeth done before clothes. Thankfully it was my non working day and I only have grandparents to visit so nothing time sensitive.

Teeth is one thing we are non-negotiable on. She has a cavity caused by reflux so oral hygiene is important to stop that getting worse. In January we were having to pin her down probably 75% of tooth cleans. We got her an electric toothbrush brush and introduced a star chart where she got to pick a coloured crayon for the stick star and for very good teeth cleans I drew an outline of a star and she got to colour it in. We went to having to pin her down once a week and then we introduced videos too. We started with tooth cleaning videos but now we do any 1-4 minutes you tube videos tweaking play speed to get it about the right length of time. She has all sorts of videos. Salty seatle and her amazing pasta creations, how to make wax crayons, any other memorising videos or things related to her day so trains if we are going on a train that sort of thing. We probably have issues with brushing her teeth once every 2-3 months now.

I feel your pain, my daughter was like this too. And much more so with me than with granny or dad if they were getting her ready.
She’s 7 now and I suspect she had ADHD, though it’s only ever been obvious to us at home, she’s quite good at masking it in other settings.

Anyway, I don’t have a solution for you, but one thing I do regret is giving a toss what anyone else might think. Sometimes it was all in my head anyway, no one was commenting. Let her wear a dress even if she gets a bit cold. Bring leggings and a hoodie to nursery, explain and let them deal with it.

Don’t compare to other kids the same age who are apparently dressing themselves like little angels. Your kid is who she is and needs the help she needs.

i made a little flip chart with pictures of all the stages of getting ready so she could flip them over as she did them (toilet, wash, teeth, dress etc). If your daughter does have an element of ASD or ADHD, she could struggle with not knowing what’s coming next (even though it’s obvious to you, it might not be to her)

Might also be some sensory issues. My daughter still doesn’t wear knickers if she has leggings on and is not at school. We have made a deal - must wear knickers at school or if wearing a dress with no leggings, free to go knickerless at home
or if wearing trousers/leggings!

For what it’s worth, it is also quite normal/common at this age and doesn’t necessarily mean anything’s ‘wrong’, but i found expecting less of her made it easier to deal with and eventually made it easier for her too. She’s much better now (although still has to be told 100 times to do each task)

Toothbrushing - the Pokémon app transformed our mornings. Now she brushes even without using it, but our then three-year old went from refusing to brush at all to two mins enthusiastic cleaning overnight. Mornings suddenly much less stressful.

Ps our daughter also very feisty . You’re doing an amazing job, don’t be too hard on yourself

Let us know how tomorrow is! :)

Wow I've been blown away by all the lovely comments this post has received! I feel very grateful. Whoever suggested the light up toothbrush - thank you!! Let's see how we go tomorrow morning, but tonight's teeth brushing was far more successful as she watched the 'fairies' sparkling in her new toothbrush!! Fingers crossed for tomorrow - I'll keep you all updated!!

My DD was the same at that age - and still is at 6! I've learned to just let her get cold. As others have said, shes still alive.

Non-uniform day end of term this year - 30 degrees heat and she INSISTED on wearing a huge thick furry jacket. There's just no logic.....

Also just to add, my DD has grown into an absolutely fab girl, so funny and smart, loads of friends. You're doing great!

My daughter went to nursery one of the hottest days recently with a thick winter jacket for the coldest of days which was nearly 2 sizes too small 🤦🏼‍♀️
She's also a lover of a Christmas jumper in August

I hope this morning was easier for you all 🤞🏽

Hello! A little update - toothbrushing went great, she's a big fan of the 'fairy' light up toothbrush! And I just let her wear the dress 😅 all in all a much calmer morning!!

My kid was a determined anti teeth brushing. Was HELL. You have my sympathy. Only thing that worked was a game where I would open his mouth and say I could see Green Lantern/the hulk/ insert superhero swinging and climbing around on his teeth and "they dont live there! The toothbrush needs to help them back to superhero land' big laugh, lots of funny jokes etc. He was obsessed with superheroes, you can substitute anything here, my friend said spiders worked for her kid but the thought of even pretending there were spiders in my kids mouth makes me feel ill.
And yeah, let her wear whatever she wants.That ones not worth the battle.
Threenagers are tough work at times 😂

Great news

Well done! Success!