Morning battles leaving me in tears

[TeainanIV]

I'm at my wits end with my 3 year old - in the last two months we have daily battles getting her dressed. She only wants to wear dresses, no idea why, and refuses to wear anything else. The issue is, when it's a day like today where it's throwing it down with rain and super windy we need her to wear leggings and a top as it's too cold for the summer dresses she favours.

I'm currently crying in my bedroom now as she's been screaming (and I mean screaming) for the last 45 minutes. Both husband and I are late for work, we haven't even brushed her teeth yet - another trauma that involves pinning her down whilst she screams. This is every single morning and evening (when factoring in tooth brushing) and I'm completely done with it.

In every other way she's a brilliant child and we don't have these huge meltdowns. But I'm finding it so hard to cope each morning and evening. I'm also 29 weeks pregnant and it's getting increasingly more difficult to manage them due to bump. I'm now wracked with guilt as I've essentially had to force her in to her clothes, why do toddlers have the strength of the Hulk when they're in the middle of a meltdown?

We've tried so many different methods to avoid these massive meltdowns - we let her pick her clothes (but it's always a dress she chooses), when a dress isn't possible we provide options for her to pick from, we try picking the night before to avoid morning stress, we discuss the weather with her to preempt clothes - nothing works and it's exhausting.

Is this normal?! She is so strong willed, which in many ways I love, but I'm beginning to dread mornings now as it's horrendous - and god knows what our neighbours must think!! Thank you, from one overwhelmed and exhausted Mum 😫

I wouldn’t be physically forcing a child that age to do anything unless it was safety/health related. Generally that means road safety, teeth brushing, medicine or car seat.

Everything else we went with either distraction or making it silly/fun as far as possible (a race to get dressed/jumper asking to be put on etc). And just really picked our battles.

Would it work to lay out options for her? So a top and trousers you know she’ll refuse and two dress and leggings sets that she may go for one of?

Autumn clothes starting to appear in the shops. Would she pick a couple of warmer ones if you showed her some photos.

As for teeth brushing. Bribery and/or toothbrushing apps/videos.

If there's no fighting about the dress, then maybe the tooth rushing will be easier anyway.

This could have been me 22 years ago.

Strategies

• let her wear what she wants. Explain that she might get cold and if she still insists, let her. Pack spare leggings and a cardi. Offer them up later on if she's cold

• pick your battles. Unless it's really important, don't fight it. Things like cleaning teeth are non negotiable. Give in on others. 'Ok, clean your teeth then you can choose your dress'

• don't expect perfection. She won't comply and do everything you want. Accept it.

• use positive language - rather than 'don't do that' say 'please do this'. Subtle but game changing.

• ask once, remind once then either sanctions or move on. For example 'please pit on your shoes as we are leaving for nursery'. 'Put on your shoes now if you don't you will have cold wet feet!' If she doesn't put on shoes pit them in your bag and leave the house, with her shoes less. outside 'are you ready for your shoes now?' Most likely she will be. If not, let her walk without them. She will soon learn and ask for them. Or have wet cold feet. (I have personal experience of this one 😉. Hard but worked.).

• emphasise the good behaviour. A lot. OTT praise for it.

• offer a way out of the bad behaviour. Leave a door open for her to stop the screaming and come to you. For example she is screaming after a confrontation. 'Ok, I'm going to the kitchen now to pack my lunch and choose a snack to go in my lunch box. Would you like to choose your favourite ? No, oh well I'll be in the kitchen doing mine and you can join me when you are ready'. Then trot off, whistling, put music on, be jolly and carefree (you won't feel). She will join you, eventually.

It's a painful phase and drives you to your wits end (hence me remembering so clearly after all these years 😂) , try to stay calm. Good luck.

@llamajohn I know, it's very frustrating - she had a new classroom lead and, whilst they're lovely with her, Im getting frustrated as they don't seem to use their common sense a lot of the time. She goes in every day with her nursery bag with spare clothes and warmer layers in - but they never seem to make use of them! Yet are happy to make comments!

Would she wear something underneath? Vest and cycling shorts/tights/leggings or long socks? Or maybe buy some winter weight dresses?

Maybe you could try having the conversation with her in the evening and showing her the forecast if its cloudy or rainy and explaining she will be cold in just a summer dress so let's pick out some clothes to put on for tomorrow.

Otherwise will she wear a jumper or hoodie over the top?

Leggings under a dress? Just take her to nursery in her pajamas if she won't get dressed eventually she'll learn.

Knitted dresses

Or tights under the dress. There are options.

Keep commenting back "warmer clothes are In the bag, as I'm mentioned this morning, and yesterday and the day before..."

But also, if you're not fighting about it in the morning, she might be more amenable to wear a jumper later in the morning anyway. So like as part of getting ready to go out, like, shoes in, cardigan on, bag and go... That kind of thing?

She is getting dressed....

Why would you take her in pyjamas?

Oh and my DD ended up at childminder /nursery still in PJs a few times as she refused to get dressed. They were baffled 'she's such a sweet compliant girl here, we've never see her refuse anything!' Me eye rolling 'no she saves it all for her mother'. 😳🤓

Are you telling her to go and pick something out of the wardobe in her room?

Maybe try a different environment to break the habit.

Would you picking, say, three suitable outfits,
laying them out on the sofa and saying "DD which one of these would you like to wear?" be an option that might make a difference?

Reduce the options, new environment, still let her pick (prechosen by you) clothes.
If she tries to go back to her room/wardobe, gently take her hand and lead her back and say "no, we're not going there, look your clothes for today are here. Which one would you like? This one? Or this?"

Is she exactly the same for your DP?

Choice is good but too many unsuitable choices at 3 less so.
Offering a choice between 2 suitable outfits while keeping everything else out of sight is a good strategy.
However, you are where you are. I would pack a suitable outfit to take to nursery and write to them explaining the difficulties. I agree with pp that your DH takes over the dressing. There is probably an element of playing one parent off against the other.
Realising her parents are not in control is quite scary for a small child.

Others have given good advice and I echo the 'pick your battles' and let her wear the dress but pack warmer clothes.

Just wanted to add this is all normal, it's actually healthy development for her learning independence. You're doing great snd she'll be even more fantastic as she moves through these phases.

@lowflow thank you for such a lovely comment, I think this morning was just a bad one for all of us - learnt from it and from everyone's comments and will make sure tomorrow isn't a repeat!!

It's more her being warm. I've thrown leggings and jumpers in the bag for nursery so that'll have to do

And that is enough. Let her wear the dress, she might not feel the cold but if she does she will learn.

Don't worry about nursery, if they say anything just repeat that there are clothes in her bag.

God our kids can have us in knots can't they.. 😆 she sounds brilliant tbh.. but i can day that as i dint have to contend with a little screaming human in the morning any more.

Having raised 4 past this glorious stage of life, I'd say let her wear the dress, put leggings and hoodie in a bag, get long socks or flashy interesting tights.. oooh she will look fab 😆

Most importantly.. take photos and footage to show her when she's 16.. revenge is sweeeeet. I have wellies and ttutu pics galore

Oh and my one dd wore a sun hat to nursery fir a year.. it was so small but she loved it.. that photo is the best.. we laugh every time we see it.

Ah, just seen your update. You're packing clothes and doing all the right things. She'll grow out of it and move onto other things. If she were cold she'd ask for leggings etc.

She's fine. Ignore comments from staff.

You are fighting this for no reason, let her wear the dress. Put thick socks on her and fluffy boots. Send the warmer clothes in with her. If she's cold I'm sure she would let the staff know otherwise why are you making it such an issue

Could be mild sensory issues, my daughter wouldn’t wear socks with seams ever. I’ve also heard of parents who ended up letting their kids wear pyjamas all day rather than fight endlessly. I found my kid liked wearing clothes with her favourite TV characters on so I ended up with a whole bunch of cheap Dora clothes that she was happy to wear.

Sorry struggling to reply to everyone but thank you all for your comments - I've read each and every one and taken all the advice on board! I'm annoyed at myself now for losing control of the situation and letting it get to that point. Tomorrow I will be letting her wear the dress, reminding her that there are options if she gets cold and leaving it at that. She is such a wonderful child and I adore her independence, I don't want to stifle that and I'm feeling so much guilt with how it played out this morning. Thank you all for your kindness and advice! Now for a cup of tea (decaf sadly!!) and to try and calm down myself!!

Options:-
Buy some dresses in a warm fabric with long sleeves.
Pop a long sleeve top and tights under the summer dresses.
Take a set of warmer clothes to nursery and let them sort it (I'm an ex preschool teacher and this was often our advice to parents. Kids were often happy to get dressed with us after giving the poor parents hell!)
It's a phase, it will pass. It's tough while it's going on though, so I'll very sorry you're having all this while so pregnant. Good luck!

If she lies screaming refusing to wear what her mum puts out. School in pajamas it is

Some great advise here for you op.

Once the warmer dresses start coming into shops get some and some thick tights.

Mum guilt is horrible but honestly, she won't remember once she's occupied in nursery.