Morning battles leaving me in tears

[TeainanIV]

I'm at my wits end with my 3 year old - in the last two months we have daily battles getting her dressed. She only wants to wear dresses, no idea why, and refuses to wear anything else. The issue is, when it's a day like today where it's throwing it down with rain and super windy we need her to wear leggings and a top as it's too cold for the summer dresses she favours.

I'm currently crying in my bedroom now as she's been screaming (and I mean screaming) for the last 45 minutes. Both husband and I are late for work, we haven't even brushed her teeth yet - another trauma that involves pinning her down whilst she screams. This is every single morning and evening (when factoring in tooth brushing) and I'm completely done with it.

In every other way she's a brilliant child and we don't have these huge meltdowns. But I'm finding it so hard to cope each morning and evening. I'm also 29 weeks pregnant and it's getting increasingly more difficult to manage them due to bump. I'm now wracked with guilt as I've essentially had to force her in to her clothes, why do toddlers have the strength of the Hulk when they're in the middle of a meltdown?

We've tried so many different methods to avoid these massive meltdowns - we let her pick her clothes (but it's always a dress she chooses), when a dress isn't possible we provide options for her to pick from, we try picking the night before to avoid morning stress, we discuss the weather with her to preempt clothes - nothing works and it's exhausting.

Is this normal?! She is so strong willed, which in many ways I love, but I'm beginning to dread mornings now as it's horrendous - and god knows what our neighbours must think!! Thank you, from one overwhelmed and exhausted Mum 😫

I used to have battles with my toddler about teeth. But as Chilli from Bluey said “there’s always tomorrow”; it’s not too late to make changes.
So I took the pressure off, tried to make it fun.
Just think, what would a play therapist do?

I involve the teddies in brushing teeth, “shall we brush teddies teeth and they can brush yours?” I make the teddy brush her teeth. Or we sing wheels on the bus as we brush. Or let her brush mine while I brush hers.

Everything takes a long time with a toddler it’s just part of the learning process, but often play therapy helps them process things and do “boring” tasks.

Tu have some gorgeous long sleeve dresses for toddlers in at the minute in like a jumper material they are £10 and 3 for 2 I'm getting my daughter some when it's next 25% off. Could that be an option? A jumpery dress? Would she agree to wear leggings underneath.

Just also wanted to say ... You got this.

@TeainanIV you say that Both DH and I are very adamant that she chooses her own clothes and has her own sense of what she likes and who she is, this was more just about the weather and being dressed appropriately for that!

But, Both DH and I are very adamant that she chooses her own clothes and has her own sense of what she likes and who she is is patently untrue, if you're having daily battles about whether she can wear the dress she wants or the leggings that you think are better

Let her wear the dress. She may be totally fine in that. If she gets cold, then let her work out for herself that leggings and jumper might be more comfortable

My Dd is 4 and still doing this....a couple of times I've let her wear the dress with leggings and a hoodie. It can look a bit odd but I think she can get away with it being only 4 😂 she's recently started insiting I wear a dress too now! Sometimes I can get round it by picking out two sensible outfits for her, taking them down to the living room (so she's away from the wardrobe) and asking her which one she wants to wear. So long as she feels like she chose it herself we seem to get away with it.

Your daughter isn't feisty, she is spoiled! She throws a tantrum, and you let her have her own way because it is easier for you, and you feel guilty saying 'no'.

Will she wear tights and long t-shirt under the dress?

Re the toothbrushing, I would take her to the dentist and get the dentist to explain why it's important to brush teeth. Comes over better from a stranger - and scares them into brushing teeth forever!

Get her the light up toothbrush, that worked for my youngest, it was from home bargains

Let her wear a dress and focus on brushing her teeth first so as not to get her dress toothpastey..

Dress three year old in a vest (already under pjs), a long sleeved t-shirt and a dress with leggings underneath. Top with a cardigan and coat.

She should be able to rationalise the wearing of the T-shirt so as to make the dress warm enough on a cold day.
Could you buy some winter tunics?
Some knitted dresses?
Some pleated woollen tartan skirts?
Some fleece lined long jumper type dresses?

My 4yo daughter is going through a phase of only wearing dresses below the knee. I advise her to wear something warmer but she refuses so I just let her wear what she chooses and put the other clothes in her bag to change into as she will learn I’m right when she gets cold :)

with the tooth brushing try sitting her down in front of a mirror to brush them so she can see what’s going on. it really helped with my son doing that. If that doesn’t work maybe try unflavoured toothpaste as it could be the flavour she isn’t happy with.
if these don’t work then a lecture from the dentist about brushing teeth, I’ve found from personal experience with Ds this can work wonders.

The nursery will have seen it all as long as you provide the warmer clothes they can get her changed if they feel she’s getting cold. She’s more likely to change into different clothes at nursery without a fuss as well.

My DD would only wear dresses for a while too, and everything had to be pink or at least very pretty! She was about 3 too.
I decided to pick my battles and just let her wear the dresses- I would get her bundles of second hand ones off eBay so didn't matter if they got ruined at the playground etc.
We did insist on tights/leggings/a cardigan though when it was cold. Could you take her somewhere to pick out some "princess tights" or something to encourage her to wear them?
I just don't think clothes are worth fighting about, there's plenty of other things!
She is 13 now so we can laugh about her dress phase!

Just wid earring if she may have some sensory difficulties if she's funny about clothes and teeth.

Re nursery just keep telling them there's other clothes in her bag IF she's cold and if they mention it at the end of the day start asking why they didn't use them!

Re teeth I used to have to pin mine down too. We use strawberry toothpaste from Tesco (I also hate minty toothpaste as feel like it burns) and there's alternative toothbrushes you can get which might be worth a look. Like finger ones.

They were both late for work! Hardly a sign they just gave in

Can't help with the toothbrushing, but sounds like you (DH) are making a big deal about dresses when it's really not necessary. I can tell you that some children just don't feel the cold.. every winter I can guarantee there will be some children coming into school in shorts/skirt and socks.. I comment, they laugh. and we move on with our day.
When I was a child, little boys wore short shorts all year round, and girls wore dresses and socks ( tights were a new invention and not very comfortable) . It was fine. It's summer, if she's cold she will say so. You say you want her to be independent but you are trying to make her do what you want for no very good reason that I can see, unless you are actually in the Arctic.
You are providing extra layers that she can put on if she needs them, and that's enough.
You could consider a layer under the dress, like a vest, if that will make you feel better.

Our nursery doesn’t allow dresses! They say they’re not practical for the games, activities they do with the children.
We have two mini wardrobes - a nursery wardrobe and a weekend one. The night before (never on the day) DD has to choose something from the right wardrobe and lay it out on the chair in her room. We ask her what day is it? And she will know if it’s a nursery day or not and get the right clothes. She is smart enough to get it.

Yes. My son is like this. He is a tiny little thing and you'd think he'd feel cold but he doesn't. He is going into year 3 and has never worn a school jumper. I put one in his bag every day but it has never been worn. He also only sleeps in pants all year round. Doesn't feel the cold in winter at all.

It's a phase but it feels like forever. I had one like this. The arguments were awful and now I wish I had relaxed a bit more. Give her choices and if necessary remove the items that you don't want her to wear. Is she worn wear leggings then fine just pack them and explain to nursery.

I’d let her wear dresses. I prefer dresses myself because I have short legs and trousers don’t tend to fit me right. I wear them all year round. You can get them that aren’t summery. Would she tolerate a dress with thicker material and sleeves for colder days, maybe with tights or leggings underneath and a jumper or cardigan over the top? I realise this might not work if it’s the material of her summer dresses that she likes and not the fact that they’re dresses, but it might be worth a try.

One of my DS's friends feels this way about dresses and the rule in their house is that she can wear what she wants at home, but she has to put leggings on underneath to go to out/nursery. He was quite surprised when he went round her house and the second they got through the front door she said 'you can take your trousers off now!'. I'd suggest being even more proactive with nursery and rather than just letting them know she's got warmer clothes with her, asking them to tell her that the rules at nursery are she has to put the leggings on underneath. Often they will do things at nursery they won't do at home, and once she gets used to the idea that that's her nursery 'uniform' she might be more willing to just put them on at getting dressed time.

If your DD isn't cold the Nursery staff are being ridiculous... if she is cold they just need to grab the clothes out of her bag!

Just send her in the dress. If you can get her to wear leggings and a cardi, great! If not, let the nursery deal with it IF she gets cold.

My DD wore a Spider-Man outfit everyday for the whole 2 years she was at nursery. Who cares?! And it actually turned out she's ASD so I'm glad she had her Spider-Man outfit for comfort.

Yup dresses and leggings, even if looks odd. Defo a 3 year old thing though, also had similar age gap and was a real struggle in the third trimester so DH took over and did all the morning struggles and also nursery drop off when I wasn't working. She doesn't act up so much for him either, she knew I would let stuff slide for an easier life when pregnant haha 😅

Also I have found brushing teeth on potty/toilet is good. Put her on first thing in morning and start brushing while she's still a bit disorientated and stuck in one spot. Like you say once already had the dressing battle it's extra hard to do the teeth too!

No she's not spoiled.

She's expressing her frustration at not being listened to.

I also hide the lighter dresses when it's been colder over summer so she can't pick them out, and then will put them all away if she doesn't wear them with the leggings and cardis/jumpers as it gets colder (but explain why so she knows it's due to her choice)

The OP says she discussed with the kid the reasons.
By "not being listened to", I think you mean not getting her way? That is the dictionary definition of spoiled!

I have one of these. It's power battles all day and honestly it's so exhausting. It feels rubbish having your child leave the house in clothes that you know won't keep them warm (mine refuses jumpers or coats of any kind). Mornings are the worse as there's a time pressure to get out the house. I find I can sometimes stick a jumper on her outside nursery when she's switched to a more compliant mode, and also distracted about going into nursery. Mine is also really into jazzy leggings. She'll request certain ones with pictures on, so you could have a shop online and pick some special ones. We made up stories about the characters on the leggings so she feels happy with them. House of Margaux has some great leggings like that. I also bride her with videos or games on my phone, distract her so it's easier to slip some leggings on under the dress/ brush her teeth. Cardigans and zip up hoodies are easier for mine to handle as she doesn't feel so trapped by them. Anyway solidarity being sent your way, these wilful children are harder work but I think great fun.