Morning battles leaving me in tears

[TeainanIV]

I'm at my wits end with my 3 year old - in the last two months we have daily battles getting her dressed. She only wants to wear dresses, no idea why, and refuses to wear anything else. The issue is, when it's a day like today where it's throwing it down with rain and super windy we need her to wear leggings and a top as it's too cold for the summer dresses she favours.

I'm currently crying in my bedroom now as she's been screaming (and I mean screaming) for the last 45 minutes. Both husband and I are late for work, we haven't even brushed her teeth yet - another trauma that involves pinning her down whilst she screams. This is every single morning and evening (when factoring in tooth brushing) and I'm completely done with it.

In every other way she's a brilliant child and we don't have these huge meltdowns. But I'm finding it so hard to cope each morning and evening. I'm also 29 weeks pregnant and it's getting increasingly more difficult to manage them due to bump. I'm now wracked with guilt as I've essentially had to force her in to her clothes, why do toddlers have the strength of the Hulk when they're in the middle of a meltdown?

We've tried so many different methods to avoid these massive meltdowns - we let her pick her clothes (but it's always a dress she chooses), when a dress isn't possible we provide options for her to pick from, we try picking the night before to avoid morning stress, we discuss the weather with her to preempt clothes - nothing works and it's exhausting.

Is this normal?! She is so strong willed, which in many ways I love, but I'm beginning to dread mornings now as it's horrendous - and god knows what our neighbours must think!! Thank you, from one overwhelmed and exhausted Mum 😫

She sounds exactly like my 3 year old niece. I think her feistiness will serve her well as an adult but as a 3 year old, it's a nightmare. I wonder if she might also be a bit disconcerted about the new baby arriving too?

And in order to ease my own guilt (I know she probably won't remember by lunchtime!!) I'm going to pick her up a little earlier today and take her to choose some autumn dresses - great tip from all who suggested it!! Phew!!! I'm shattered already and it's only 8:30!! 🙈

It is hopefully comforting to know that most parents of 3yr olds have had similar battles. I remember it well and with horror. It does eventually stop. My 9yr old does now wear trousers 😄

The advice you’ve been given is good and it sounds as if you’re doing the right things. I also had a trouser and coat refuser. She would wear long sleeve knit dresses, and we agreed with her that she would need a vest in winter. We had a ‘tights on for outside’ rule in winter when it was freezing but they could come off inside.

Other tips: fun apps for teeth brushing and a big reward chart. Let her pick fun toothbrushes and her own choice of toothpaste. Ultimately we would also pin down for brushing (after appropriate warning), it was non-negotiable.

We did once take her to nursery in her PJs, she learnt then I meant it when I said it. We would agree on clothes with her the night before and lay them out. I had back ups of everything in the car (hair brush and clips, clothes, breakfast stuff, nursery stuff).

We absolutely have to leave on time, late is not an option, so if she wasn’t ready we just left with her anyway and dealt with the consequences later.

It does get easier, promise

Honestly ditch the guilt.

You did what you could at the time, guilt doesn't help anyone.

What does help is what you are doing, seeking advice and chatting about it.

I also find muttering This Too Shall Pass helps !

@mynameiscalypso yes potentially, although she does also have a baby in her tummy 😂 they're apparently very very wriggly, love to eat lots of food and are coming out in 5 minutes!!

But seriously this is something I hadn't considered and you're absolutely right xx

Just let her wear the dress. She can wear the,with leggings and jumper if it's cold.

Stick them in her bag and if nursery say anything just say that if she feels too cold then there's leggings and jumper in her bag if she wants them.

She may not be cold. A really close friend and I will both wear a dress in summer.

By autism I'm still in dresses and wear a cardigan.

She wears trousers and shirt sleeved top.

My legs don't get cold and her top half gets too hot.

If she feels she has more control over her clothes it should make things much easier. If this situation really worth continuing over a dress?!

This is very normal behaviour , my daughter was the complete opposite and only wanted to wear leggings and tshirt even to parties. As long as warmer clothes are available to put on if she gets cold it is not worth having this battle. Try and concentrate on the things that are not negotiable e.g teeth brushing , car safety.

Just do what you’re doing with putting the leggings and jumper in the bag. Let her wear the dress.
I agree the toothbrushing that you need to try and get to the cause of why she hates this, make sure she likes the taste and brush isn’t too hard.

Agree. I don't get what's wrong with wearing a dress. Stick some spare clothes in her bag if she goes to childcare. Who chose her clothes in the shop, was she involved? She might be more inclined to wear leggings (or a funky unicorn pair of tights, e.g.) if she's been involved in the choosing them in thr shop!

Does she brush her own teeth or at least have some autonomy on brushing? Being pinned down no wonder it isn't enjoyable for anyone.

I have a 3y and a 1y old. We do 'my turn your turn' to brush teeth and always make it a game and go over the top with it, "WOW your teeth are DAZZLING/SPARKLING/SHIMMERING today!" or whatever new word I'm introducing and I let them help brush my teeth too.

@JumpstartMondays tried all of this with teeth brushing - we have months where she lets us and then months of battles. She chose her own toothbrush and toothpaste, she helps us do ours but won't do her own. We give her lots of praise, stickers, songs etc but ultimately the only way it gets done in the end is if we hold her and do it! Hopefully this will end soon but unfortunately I will pin her down if that's the only way to get them done - as much as we all hate it!

Weve just purchased an elsa/frozen electric toothbrush my 3yo could stick a couple of stickers on and strawberry toothpaste - absolute game changer!

I suspect - being 31 weeks with number 2 and going through similar - this isnt about getting ready at all. Id chat to nursery and say this is obviously to do with the impending change and fears over separation, ask them to do some supporting on transition to baby 2 through books etc and let her wear what she wants/let nursery know there will be weather appropriate clothes in the bag

It'll get better - i promise ♥️ x

Has it always been this way? Has anything happened that triggered it? Like my 1y recently refused but they'd had hand foot and mouth recently so we just relaxed on it a little (not entirely) until little one trusted that brushing teeth wouldn't hurt any more. Taking the pressure off to rebuild the trust helped us in our situation.

Or could it be a reconnection thing? You give little one your full attention for 45min during these meltdowns (or as long as they drag out the morning routine for) - could it be they're seeking more 1on1 time with you totally focused on them? Can you build more 1 on 1 time into your day maybe?

@ButterflySkies thank you so much ❤️. Hope you're pregnancy is going well - pregnancy with a toddler is brutal 🙈. I think I'll have a word with nursery, she has been very excited about baby coming - always hugging my tummy and asking how 'her' baby is and if they're still inside - but I think you're right, it's definitely on her mind.

Funnily enough, my DD also chose the Elsa toothbrush! And initially it was great and she actually let us brush her teeth, but the last month or so has descended back in to tooth brushing refusal and tantrums 😫

@JumpstartMondays she did actually have hand, foot and mouth two weeks ago - and we did ease up on the brushing whilst she had it so could be a factor. But the tooth brushing meltdowns have been ongoing for over a month now - we did have a better time with it in July after she'd chosen her Frozen toothbrush but the novelty seemed to wear off after a couple of weeks and we were back to tantrums 😫.

I do try and have lots of 1 on 1 time with her, as much as we can do but will look at opportunities for more.

Orrr .... Stop all the arguments, let her wear the dress and take a cardigan along. The child can still be warm if required, she dressed, no crying , no anger and no humiliation required.

Why do you need to have such a power play over a dress? Is it that important you "win"?

I've not read all your updates but honestly, let her wear the dress. Put leggings on underneath and have a cardigan/jumper ready.

It's really not worth you ending up in tears over this. She will grow up and wear loads of stuff you hate/think is inappropriate. Wait until she's a teenager. 😩😂

Try sweater fabric dresses? Should be warmer, like a jumper but a dress. With a vest or t-shirt underneath. There are some cheap nice ones in Tesco and Matalan at the moment.

Have you tried not allowing any sweet foods or drinks until teeth have been properly brushed, that used to work fairly well as we said although sweet things taste nice they are very bad for the teeth and the sugar nneds to be cleaned off

A dress is always possible ... not ideal sometimes, but she will learn. She has worked out that wanting a dress pulls your chain so she will do it all the more. Just let her wear what she wants.
Take her out to choose a novelty toothbrush and the paste she would like. Make a game of it ... let her brush a dolls teeth, or show dolly how to do it.
It will take a while to cool this situation as battle lines have become entrenched.
The adage Pick Your Battles applies now as much as the teenage years.@

Mine does this too occasionally. Today he wanted shorts. Eventually he told me that he wanted shorts because of the pockets so I found trousers with pockets. But equally if he'd dug his heels in I would sent him in shorts and taken trousers to nursery.

If you are sending leggings in and they are not putting it on, I'd email the manager.

It's not jumper weather! I'd just let her wear the dress and put a cardigan on top, leggings in the bag in case she gets cold.

Dresses aren't intrinsically 'colder' than leggings and a top? There are loads of long sleeved dresses out there plenty that are cheap in the supermarket.
Sounds to me like theres a particular 'look' you aspire to for her (dresses on toddlers dont seem popular for the instagrammers these days!), you might have to set this aside. Lots of children dont find trouser waistbands comfortable and theres nothing wrong with a warm dress.

When you drop her off “she insisted on the dress but we’ve added some warm clothes to her bag if she needs them” and leave.

That’s it.

toothbrushing wise try oranurse toothpaste.

Will she let you layer her up? So tshirt/vest or long sleeve top underneath the dress and leggings/tights. Or a jumper/cardi/hoodie on top?

If you can afford it and have the time , take her shopping for a few bits that are for autumn/winter. Dresses with sleeves, thicker ones, they do jumper dresses that have a fleecy lining etc. Some even come in a set with dress and leggings which might help as that's the outfit.

Like this

https://www.laredoute.co.uk/ppdp/prod-350224749.aspx?dim1=1&dim2=6&cod=Google-PPC-Shopping-21004047118-&gadsource=4&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIktOWp5KIiAMV4ZVQBh1LHRkoEAQYCiABEgKGxvDD_BwE