No-presents party for 8 year-old

[HotCrossBunplease]

We’re just about to host DS’s 8th birthday. It’s an activity with about 12 kids. All costs covered by us but it is a 30 mins drive from where most of us live so a bit of effort needed by parents of guests.

We’ll be giving out party bags.

I would like to say “no gifts” as in previous years I’ve seen people spend up to £20 on things like Lego but DS is getting more and more picky about what he likes so presents do often go unplayed with, plus he has loads of stuff. He’s mostly into computer games now and that’s not something I would expect people to buy as party presents. He goes to private school and the parents are quite well off so it’s not a cost thing, but know myself what a stress it is trying to choose a present.

(All the kids are very good at doing written thank-you cards after the event, and DS has done his meticulously every previous year).

Some parents have opted for a book swap where everyone brings a wrapped book (new or used) and each child picks one in a lucky dip to take home. I love that idea.

The problem is that DS is a spoiled little prince and while he acknowledges that he hasn’t played with some past presents, he still really loves the idea of a pile of wrapped gifts and sees them at other kids’ parties.

I thought that maybe I could just ask for books only as presents and that way DS gets a nice selection of books suggested by his classmates, but not ridiculous money spent if they don’t appeal to him. DH thinks that asking for books is very “worthy” and prescriptive and could annoy people.
Asking for cash or voucher contributions eg to a new game he might want to buy just seems a bit transactional.

Any tips on what works best in these situations? Parents would welcome “no gifts”, surely, but is it possible that a child attending might feel put out if they weren’t getting the chance to give a gift? (DS does have a couple of friends where he’s said “oh, we should buy X this for his birthday, he’d love it).

My son's friend was saving for a switch. In the invitation to his party his mum wrote that no presents were needed but if we did want to give something he would very much appreciate a contribution to the fund. As far as I was concerned that was great - far easier to put £10 or £20 in a card than go out to buy a present he may or may not have wanted

Take a step back and let people do what they do. If you get duplicates or things he won't play with you can re-gift / or donate to charity. But my advice would be to stop trying to manage this.

I would say just go with the flow and allow people to make their own decisions regarding gifts and try not to overthink it.

I do think it would be a good idea after the party for you to get your DS to spend some time going through his old toys to donate to a local toy exchange, church play group or other such charity for children who would enjoy them.

Virtually all 8yos are "grabby". My 6yo is pretty "grabby" too. We add about a zillion items a week to the Christmas list 🙄.

It's not about what's in the presents, it's about having a gigantic fucking pile and knowing they're all for ME, ME, ME! Don't you remember the feeling?

Why do you think kids sort the presents under the Christmas tree and then cosy up to their pile and start tweaking and subtly tearing corners to see what's inside? Last Christmas my DC spent hours - I kid you not, HOURs - arranging and rearranging their pile to their liking.

It's not about reality. Reality will always disappoint. It's about potential. Who knows what's in those wrapped gifts? Maybe your friend has got you a PS Mario game... Or another science kit!

I much prefer giving £5 cash so they can buy /save for something they want

What about the '£5 or less' party present idea

Truth be told though if you don't spoil your child through the year then Christmas and birthdays are special and stops your child be a spoilt child m. This is on you

If he doesn't want the gifts / doesn't play with them he can regift them or give to charity?

A new mum (bravely) suggested on a party invite a few years back that we all donate to wards 1 gift voucher or cash……which is what we’ve done since and it’s SO much better. Private school also so most kids get £200+ which they can spend on a big purchase that they really want.

I agree with this! I clearly remember my swimming pool birthday party when I was 8 and then coming home and unwrapping some great presents with my best friends help. Would have felt my parents had robbed me if they'd rejected this joy on my behalf!

Exactly he's 8 not 48

Ah let him have presents! Then regift them ! Winner!

Also why does being at a private school mean the parents have lots of spare money- I actually find were very much tight arses and now the VAT is coming in , I’ll be gifting home baked cookies from now on 🤣

My opinion is just don’t dictate anything. If people want to bring gifts great, if they don’t want to great. If he doesn’t want them at the end of the day donate to charity or local family hub toy library.

If you say no gifts: yes, he is a bit young for no gifts and some people will just bring them anyway and the people who haven’t will feel awkward.

If you say ‘you don’t need to bring a gift but a thoughtful?! gift would be appreciated’ then it sounds like you might really be expecting some gifts and for them to be of a mysterious calibres. Inadvertently putting more pressure on buying the right gift.

If you ask for a contribution for a particular gift you may find some people will give money and a gift. This is what I usually do if people ask for money at weddings because, while I appreciate that life is expensive and not everyone wants five toasters, sometimes it is meaningful to the person giving the present too. It means something to me to give a wedding/birthday/Christmas present.

If you just don’t say anything then people can make their own minds up on an individual basis.

Agree 🙈 Just let him have the presents! I would understand a bit more if it were a whole class of 30+ etc but for 12 children I’d just let it be.

We have once had the same request of no presents for a 4 year old’s party and I admit I did roll my eyes a little. I felt that that would almost certainly would not have been with the agreement of the birthday girl 😆 I felt bad for her and still bought a book along as just couldn’t turn up empty handed as surely that is one of the best parts of your birthday!?

What’s the worst they could happen - you regift the presents that are unplayed with?!

I think its quite mean to say no gifts for an 8 year old, we've gone to a few £5 parties and we usually give a little bag of sweets or book too. I think £5 is good as the child can find it exciting choosing a bigger present they really want. Ive also been to a party were the parents said they didnt want anyone under pressure to buy a present so had a little box and said if people want to give something anonymously they can afford they could

It really doesn't sound like he's picky if he'd be happy with basically any random book someone bought.

And Lego is at all price points, they could have spent £5 if they'd wanted to so presumably they chose to spend £20, or did what everyone else does and get a trolley load of sets really cheap in the Sainsburys toy sale and pay for it with Nectar points and give them as presents throughout the year.

If he likes computer games there are a ton of accessories for basically every game that people could buy him that are cheaper than an actual game, pin badges and notebooks and toys and figure sets and stickers, all sorts even for minor online games.

I don't think an all books rule would annoy parents as you can't go wrong with what you buy and less stress trying to think of a present.

I like someone else's suggestion of a £5 party - low amount so doesn't seem money grabbing, but DS could buy himself something nice that he actually wants with the proceeds. As a parent I'd be happy as it saves the faff of wondering what to buy.

Personally I feel that present giving needs a revamp as most people have so much clutter in their lives and don't want more stuff? But other people love giving/receiving so hard to please all

I taught children for many years before moving into HE. I never once came across a parent refusing to allow a child to receive birthday gifts at their own party. It's very mean, in my opinion, as the same rule will not apply to his classmates. It's a horrible age for internalising being treated differently. It becomes a whole lot worse when the person who ensured you were treated differently was your own mother. It's also quite possible at this age that it could come up in mild teasing at school - "your parents didn't let you have presents at your own birthday party! That's so weird! Do they not like you?" and I'd have to admit this would be one of the occasions when I'd be wondering "what on earth was the parent thinking?" whilst also having to deal with the inevitable fall out.

Other WTF experiences being the wealthy neurosurgeon who sent her 10 year old boy into Year 6 wearing his older sister's well darned school cardigan (cardigans were only on the girls' uniform list, boys wore jumpers) as it was "still full of wear and I hate needless waste" then acted astonished when he started getting teased for wearing holey girls' uniform. Or the mother who made her sobbing 9 year old daughter hand back the gymnastics prize at the end of term prize giving as, "Jessica has not earned this through hard work, as she refuses to practice when I ask her. Louise has tried so much harder all year and deserves to have that effort rewarded. Jessica will not be accepting the prize. In our house, we reward work ethic over innate giftedness. Louise this is for you." Virtue signalling, whilst emotionally damaging her child. Lovely.

Please don't be a "WTF were they thinking parent?". Your child is too young to understand the point you are making without taking it personally. Making him feel less than his peers on an eighth birthday is cruel. Let him have the excitement of opening gifts and enjoying what his friends have chosen for him. You can always help him choose gifts to take to donate to less lucky children afterwards. If he's a "spoiled little prince", whatever that means, it didn't happen through birthday gifts once a year from his friends and his birthday isn't the occasion to target to try and make him self sacrificing and less wasteful/materialistic. There's another 364 days a year and a lifetime for that ahead.

If anyone asks, you can make suggestions of books, group contributions to a bigger gift, homemade token etc but otherwise just encourage DS to be polite, gracious and to enjoy his day. He sounds like a perfectly normal eight year old boy to me.

I 100% agree. My son recently went to a birthday party. We have a 3D printer. He printed his friend a fidget toy. Cost us pence, but my son was so happy to give his friend. I think giving gifts is a kind thing to do and teaches children to think about others. My son was so excited to give his friend the fidget toy he'd made, plus some chocolate (and I put £10) in a card. I agree with the quoted post. Don't overthink it. Let dc have his presents and enjoy. Then he can go through things he's got and have a sort out. Some of the toys my children had were things we never would have thought of buying.

He hates Lego. We have regifted every set he’s been given.

Some hilariously OTT rants on here given I said hours ago that I hear you all and appreciate the input.

So what have you decided to do after all the input?

In my post at 17:38 yesterday:

I’ll just let everyone make the usual assumption that presents are expected.

As an aside, if he gets lego sets that he doesn't really want then just pop them in the loft foe a few years and then sell on Ebay. My DS just did that and netted £150! Because they go out of production and increase in value (must be bnib)

At 8 one of the most exciting things about a birthday party is the presents.

In a year or two it will swap to cash and vouchers anyway.

Let him have his presents.