No-presents party for 8 year-old

[HotCrossBunplease]

We’re just about to host DS’s 8th birthday. It’s an activity with about 12 kids. All costs covered by us but it is a 30 mins drive from where most of us live so a bit of effort needed by parents of guests.

We’ll be giving out party bags.

I would like to say “no gifts” as in previous years I’ve seen people spend up to £20 on things like Lego but DS is getting more and more picky about what he likes so presents do often go unplayed with, plus he has loads of stuff. He’s mostly into computer games now and that’s not something I would expect people to buy as party presents. He goes to private school and the parents are quite well off so it’s not a cost thing, but know myself what a stress it is trying to choose a present.

(All the kids are very good at doing written thank-you cards after the event, and DS has done his meticulously every previous year).

Some parents have opted for a book swap where everyone brings a wrapped book (new or used) and each child picks one in a lucky dip to take home. I love that idea.

The problem is that DS is a spoiled little prince and while he acknowledges that he hasn’t played with some past presents, he still really loves the idea of a pile of wrapped gifts and sees them at other kids’ parties.

I thought that maybe I could just ask for books only as presents and that way DS gets a nice selection of books suggested by his classmates, but not ridiculous money spent if they don’t appeal to him. DH thinks that asking for books is very “worthy” and prescriptive and could annoy people.
Asking for cash or voucher contributions eg to a new game he might want to buy just seems a bit transactional.

Any tips on what works best in these situations? Parents would welcome “no gifts”, surely, but is it possible that a child attending might feel put out if they weren’t getting the chance to give a gift? (DS does have a couple of friends where he’s said “oh, we should buy X this for his birthday, he’d love it).

At 8 years old it seems rather mean to stop him having birthday presents. He's still very young and presents are surely part of the general birthday excitement.

I'd perhaps have presents as usual but when he's finished with the gifts donate them to charity rather than keeping them. Alternatively put on the invitation that he's saving for a particular game so donations towards that would be very welcome. I've had friends do that before and haven't had any problem with it.

Thank you for that perspective, that would certainly be DS’ view but I was starting to wonder if parents of kids this age all secretly feel that expecting presents is a bit grabby!

My 17 year old still got birthday presents at her party!

I would feel very mean going to an 8yo's party without a present!

No Ptolemy, you're 8 now, you don't need presents, just a nice selection of books.

Don't you remember being a child at all????

From a parents perspective- 'no presents' is awkward because lots of people will still do presents, which makes those who don't feel bad.

It also feels a bit lean to your DS!

Perhaps just take the excuse to have a clear out before hand.

🤣

My son went to a £5 party. Where all children put £5 in a card then the birthday boy put it towards a big present that he wanted.

How about as an option having a donation bucket for a childrens' charity. Get DS on board to choose which one, possibly something local
Shame on you admitting he's a spoilt little prince you still have time to do something about that.

It was lighthearted about being a spoiled little prince!. I just meant he is lucky to have lots of nice material things.

Thanks for the perspectives. I’m interested that someone would still feel they had to bring a gift to a “no gifts” party, seems odd they’d see it as some sort of double bluff but if there is a chance it will make some people feel confused I’ll just let everyone make the usual assumption that presents are expected.

I guess there was precedent for no gifts at other parties where they’ve done the book swap thing, but it’s definitely not the norm amongst his peer group. I take on board that it would seem mean to the child.

You haven't got many years left of parties with those numbers. Parties get smaller and more centred round a film or bowling and then pizza for four to six really good friends. I think, given he has seen piles of presents at other parties, that is part of the excitement so let him have the pressies. 8 is rather young to be solely about books or a charity.

I think people would still bring a gift because they'd think 'poor kid' which should tell you something.

It's not your birthday, I don't think you should decide on someone else's behalf that presents are a burden or a chore.

I think most people read “no gifts” for a child’s party as being all about the parents and not what the child wants, so they provide a gift anyway (and often think the parents are twats).

Presumably you know the parents so just ask one to arrange a collection for them to buy something bigger collectively.

Oh, that’s a bit harsh. Sorry you felt the need to say that.

He does like books.

Harsh maybe, but sometimes we can all do with the reality check to know what others think of our actions.

I would also think 'poor kid' if I saw an invitation requesting no presents.

I would feel uncomfortable turning up to a children's party without a gift and it would annoy me some sort of restriction for example, gift a book, £5 max. etc.
A gift is a gift. People should gift what they want.
I also share your son's view that the mountain of presents is a big part of their the excitement.
I feel your pain though of having more clutter in the house that is not played with. You can always give the unwanted presents to charity and/or other childrens.

No need to call people twats though. This is Parenting not AIBU.

Sorry OP but I ultimately feel the same. No one is ever going to think ‘oh Jimmy definitely feels he doesn’t want any gifts’. People will feel sorry for him and bring a gift, people who opt not to bring a gift feel bad, and Jimmy will realise that some people haven’t brought him gifts for reasons unknown.

I like the ideas above of a £5 party or books as gifts. But saying that, I know a mum who buys 8-10 gifts in the post Xmas sales and uses them as party gifts throughout the year. It would be a stretch to have to give fivers out every couple of weekends on the hop.

No need to apologise. It was the “twat” part that I found harsh and uncalled for, not the opinion.

I wouldn’t say no gifts for a birthday party, unless your child was 1-2. A big part of birthday fun IS receiving and opening gifts.

OP, this was the wording we used in the invite for my 7yo's birthday:

"No need to bring a gift… If you have something in mind for him then we would be very glad, but he’d also be thrilled with a £ or two to put in his money box towards a(nother!) Jurassic World dinosaur toy…"

We had to say something because he was inviting the whole class and we just don't have room for 30 gifts, on top of what he got from us and the grandparents!

Plus some kids in his class come from really disadvantaged backgrounds so I wanted to give cover for those who were struggling.

In the end it worked out great - he got very thoughtful gifts from about 10 close friends to open when we got home, and then £150 in cash which got him all his dream list of dinosaurs.

I don't think you have to just go with the status quo if you'd rather not.

Perhaps if you get people to avoid telling you the truth, you don’t understand it when it applies to you. You know the saying, the truth hurts (or in this case the truth is harsh). It is the reality though regardless of whether you want a saccharine phrase or not. However, to placate you, I will rephrase to say people will often think very negatively of the parents.

Give the sanctimony as rest and just admit you enjoy calling people names online. Plenty of other people have made the same point very effectively without resorting to name-calling.