Hi this is my first post, it could be a bit of a long one…
I have 4 children, 2 step daughters (15& 12), a daughter from a previous relationship (9) and a son with my husband (2). My husband & I have been married 1 year in Sept but been together for 8 years.
There was a gap in our relationship after about 4 years for about 3-4 months (there was a lot happening at the time and my husband had a bit of a break down, there was a lack of communication). We ended up selling our family home and buying separate houses, then a few months later got back together and sorted everything out. An expensive mistake but we have been happily all living back together for the last 3 years.
My step daughters have always been treat the same as my other children, we see them half of the time and although things weren’t always great I now have a good relationship with their mother. I feel like I go above and beyond for all of the kids and tend to over compensate because the 3 girls have separated parents and we only see them half of the time. We always make an effort to buy them nice things, make sure they don’t miss out on anything etc. I’m not saying that I am perfect by any stretch but I do put a lot of pressure on myself not to let anything slip (its truly exhausting)
My 12yo over the last few years has been increasingly distant with me and looks like a rabbit in headlights if I so much as look at her the wrong way. If I ask her to tidy her room she’ll scurry to it as if she’s going to have capital punishment if she doesn’t. Shes a people pleaser and I really try to encourage her to have her own thoughts and opinions but its not working. Sometimes she visibly shakes when I speak to her, if I ask her about it she bursts into tears and my husband has a go at me because it must have been the way I said it or I’m not supporting her. I have on occasion been really frustrated with the way things play out and verbally made my feelings known.
For example:
me: kids can you put your clothes away please?
sd: (staring at me looking like she will burst into tears)
me: whats up? Are you ok?
sd: whispers\squeaks ye
me: you look like you're going to cry, whats wrong? I’ve just asked you to put your clothes away
sd: shaking bursts into tears
Its just become the way it is, probably since before me & her dad split. It got better for a while but recently is just spiralled again. I feel like a wicked step mother. But I don’t know what I’m doing to make her so scared of me.
I’m posting here because yesterday when my mum was round another similar situation played out and SD went off in tears & my mum turned to me and said ‘that kid is terrified of you’ and told me I ask her too many questions. Im so confused.
None of the other kids are like this with me, like I say, I’m no disney mum, I do tell them off when its needed & I do expect homework, rooms not full of dirty dishes etc the norm I think!
I don’t know what I’m looking for here and thanks for sticking with it if you’ve made it this far, but I just needed to write this down to see if I am actually the wicked witch of the west!