Before I begin, I know this is going to be a controversial post and that some people may be angered by it, but I have chosen to write it in the hope that someone will have some sympathetic advice.
I have three beautiful little boys, who I adore. Each of them is an amazing little person, with his own personality and incredible outlook on the world. They astound me every day with how wonderful they are and I would not change them for anything.
However, my heart aches for another child - specifically, a daughter - so much so that it is making me extremely sad. I do not voice these feelings out-loud in real life out of fear of being judged as cruel or selfish.
My journey to getting my three boys has not been easy; I've had seven miscarriages, with the first happening before the boys were born. I was almost fifteen weeks, and the baby was a girl. I was devastated at the time, but since having three boys and more miscarriages, the grief of losing my daughter has grown. I wonder all the time what she would have been like. I think, in my head, I've equated her with my only chance of having a daughter, and that's made the grief of losing her grow and grow and grow. I think about her all the time, and it's getting unhealthy, but I don't know what to do. When I did try to mention it to a friend, I was swiftly told to be grateful for what I do have; some people who have miscarriages don't get to have children at all and I'm lucky. It's also difficult to grieve so much for her because she has a different father to my boys, so it's weird for my husband to see me crying over a miscarried baby that wasn't his and clearly longing to have her back. He's even commented, in rows about me being sad, that I don't cry over the other six as much, which makes me feel guilty again.
It isn't a case of wishing the boys I have had been girls, but more of a wanting to have a girl as well. But obviously I can't just keep going on having children! People who know about my miscarriages always say 'oh, you mustn't be able to carry girls', and I hide the pain I feel when they say it because it hurts to hear people say it.
Logically, I know that each child is different. If I had a daughter, there's no guarantee she'd like me, that we'd have a good bond, that they'd be into 'girly' things or anything like that, that she'd even want to identify as a girl as she grew up! I understand all of this, but there's a major conflict between my logical awareness of how utterly silly wanting a daughter is and the unbidden emotional sadness I feel! It's actually quite frustrating and I just want to snap myself out of it. I feel guilty all the time, but the sadness and grief is growing as time passes, not stopping. It's obviously worse now I've had my final child because I know I'm not going to have a daughter at all now.
Does anyone else feel like this?
I know that lots of people view people like me who want a specific gender to be very selfish and horrible people and so I am expecting some nasty comments. But just to reiterate:
- I am not unhappy with the children I have; it is not about wishing they were different, but about wishing we had a girl as well as them.
- It is not about being ungrateful for the children I have. My fertility journey has not been easy at all. I am lucky to have my children, I know, and wouldn't say otherwise.