Grief of not having a daughter

[calista12]

Before I begin, I know this is going to be a controversial post and that some people may be angered by it, but I have chosen to write it in the hope that someone will have some sympathetic advice.

I have three beautiful little boys, who I adore. Each of them is an amazing little person, with his own personality and incredible outlook on the world. They astound me every day with how wonderful they are and I would not change them for anything.

However, my heart aches for another child - specifically, a daughter - so much so that it is making me extremely sad. I do not voice these feelings out-loud in real life out of fear of being judged as cruel or selfish.

My journey to getting my three boys has not been easy; I've had seven miscarriages, with the first happening before the boys were born. I was almost fifteen weeks, and the baby was a girl. I was devastated at the time, but since having three boys and more miscarriages, the grief of losing my daughter has grown. I wonder all the time what she would have been like. I think, in my head, I've equated her with my only chance of having a daughter, and that's made the grief of losing her grow and grow and grow. I think about her all the time, and it's getting unhealthy, but I don't know what to do. When I did try to mention it to a friend, I was swiftly told to be grateful for what I do have; some people who have miscarriages don't get to have children at all and I'm lucky. It's also difficult to grieve so much for her because she has a different father to my boys, so it's weird for my husband to see me crying over a miscarried baby that wasn't his and clearly longing to have her back. He's even commented, in rows about me being sad, that I don't cry over the other six as much, which makes me feel guilty again.

It isn't a case of wishing the boys I have had been girls, but more of a wanting to have a girl as well. But obviously I can't just keep going on having children! People who know about my miscarriages always say 'oh, you mustn't be able to carry girls', and I hide the pain I feel when they say it because it hurts to hear people say it.

Logically, I know that each child is different. If I had a daughter, there's no guarantee she'd like me, that we'd have a good bond, that they'd be into 'girly' things or anything like that, that she'd even want to identify as a girl as she grew up! I understand all of this, but there's a major conflict between my logical awareness of how utterly silly wanting a daughter is and the unbidden emotional sadness I feel! It's actually quite frustrating and I just want to snap myself out of it. I feel guilty all the time, but the sadness and grief is growing as time passes, not stopping. It's obviously worse now I've had my final child because I know I'm not going to have a daughter at all now.

Does anyone else feel like this?

I know that lots of people view people like me who want a specific gender to be very selfish and horrible people and so I am expecting some nasty comments. But just to reiterate:

• I am not unhappy with the children I have; it is not about wishing they were different, but about wishing we had a girl as well as them.
• It is not about being ungrateful for the children I have. My fertility journey has not been easy at all. I am lucky to have my children, I know, and wouldn't say otherwise.

All I want to say is that I can understand your feelings COMPLETELY and I don't think you should feel that you shouldn't have these feelings.

I know that people talk about the fear of boys 'leaving' their mums, but it isn't something that I worry about.
This is what I mean - my feelings of wanting a girl are so confusing, because I don't believe that sex leads to any specific gender-compelled behaviours, and I don't think that my children's sex will predicate how they behave towards me as adults. Every child is different, and I'm genuinely confused about my desire for a girl because I know her sex wouldn't be enough to predict any part of her personality.
My mum had one of each, my brother and I, and out of the two of us, she's far closer to my brother. I adore my dad and speak to him every day, but my mum and I aren't close like that. She'll do afternoon teas with my brother while I'm looking at motorbikes with my dad. I don't understand myself at all.

I think it’s just a basic biological urge for some people. Three generations ago most folk just had loads of children so the chances were very high that most couples would have sons and daughter's in the mix. Us being able to exert control over how many children we have is a very recent event. I think for many people it puts what is programmed into our DNA into direct conflict with what is practical and the societal norm.

My basic biological urge was always to have at least 7 children but it wasn’t practical. I have sons who are now in their late teens. They’re amazing (if I’d had daughters, they'd have been amazing, too!).

I don’t feel it to the extent that you do, and I imagine that a lot of it for you is tied to the late miscarriage you had. However, I do feel a bit sad that I will never have a daughter.

Before I had DS, I wanted a girl and couldn’t see myself with a boy. All through the pregnancy I felt uncomfortable with him being a boy and I still felt it to an extent when he was a baby and a young toddler although I adored him. But that changed. He is a teen now and has been the biggest joy in my life for so long. I can’t imagine why I ever wanted a girl because he is so clearly the child I was meant to have. DP and I stopped at one because my pregnancy and birth was very difficult, and I have always been comfortable with that decision. But there has always been a part of me that feels I’ve missed out on having a girl too (less so when I hear my friends with teen girls losing their shit about how difficult their daughters are at the moment 😉). This is how it was supposed to be though, and my son is an absolute one off and the love of my life.

The point is if you keep going than chances are it will be another boy unless you opt for sex selection and I don't think that's allowed in the UK. I do sympathise to an extent as it is nice to have a girl if that's what you want. Same goes for having a boy.

I usually have no time for gender disappointment threads but I think 100% your feelings are linked in with the loss you experienced, you may have still felt the same sadness even if you had a girl or girls.

Do you have a niece or a Goddaughter you could spend time with? I enjoy spending time with my niece.

This is very wise advice.

I think it might be related to the loss of your first child and that the fact that you didn’t and don’t have any legitimate outlet for that grief.

It wasn’t formally acknowledged or Marked at the time because it’s “ just “ a miscarriage and not a still birth, so there is no birth and death certificate and no funeral or anything similar. You don’t have photos, foot prints or other precious items. You may not have named your baby. And you are no longer with that partner so there is no one to share that grief.

Other people have unhelpfully brushed that off. And you feel guilty for even having that feeling, as you should be grateful for your boys. And that’s not fair, because one doesn’t cancel out the other.

I suspect you are still “stuck “ in that loss and it’s something a counsellor could help you with.

You know I totally understand how you feel.

You're grieving the daughter that you lost.

It's totally understandable.

I think you're punishing yourself for wanting a girl, when it seems to me you never got a proper chance to grieve that first baby and you hoped that having a girl would somehow heal that loss. In reality, just like the 3 boys haven't taken away the pain of all those later losses, having a girl probably wouldn't have healed you.

Like others have said some proper counselling is probably the only thing that will help with that, and then I'm sure you will be able to enjoy your current life much more.

PS my aunt had 4 boys hoping for a girl, but now she has 6 grandchildren, 5 of whom are girls.....

I’ve had this but around the way. Not liking boys etc

A feeling is a feeling.... you can't help how you feel but I totally agree that therapy, processing how you feel and coming to an acceptance is the only answer. The alternative is to keep going through life with an unresolved issue which is dominating your thoughts.

FWIW even before embarking on children, I just knew that I wanted to experience a daughter and that if I didn't have one, I'd grieve for it, whereas I didn't feel the same about a son. I knew I'd happily have a son, but I didn't feel that I'd grieve if I didn't. As it turned out, I have children of both sexes. There wasn't any logical reasoning to my feelings though, and I imagine I might well have undertaken some form of counselling if I'd had only sons. It wouldn't have changed my feelings for them (my love for all my children is equal) - this was about me not them, and was something I would have had to process and come to terms with

Its understandable that as a woman you feel sadness that you won’t have a daughter, and of course it is complicated by the grief and trauma of your miscarriages. I really sympathise with you .

But I would say you need to take control of the situation now and seek some therapy, so you can get some closure and acceptance and not let this sadness permeate your life and spoil your enjoyment of the very lucky, privileged and wonderful position you are in as mother to three healthy boys.

You have clearly been through a LOT of stuff with pregnancies, loss and fertility struggles. I think some counselling to process what you have gone through would be a wise move.

One day OP, you will likely have daughter in laws and it’s possible to have loving, close relationships with them. You may have granddaughters. Xxx

I have one of each and love and cherish them equally but a girl comes with a lot of extra stress and worry that a son doesn't. I honestly don't understand why anyone would want that!

• when my 2 start going out at night alone I will naturally worry more about dd than ds.

• earrings, make up etc and the drama of when to start all that.

• my dd could have a miscarriage/ traumatic labour / anything similar. Obviously not a risk for my ds. Even with a straightforward labour it's the worst pain in the world let's face it.

• we still don't live in a society in which men and women are treated equally.

• the risk of bad men.

I could go on!

Came on to say exactly this.
Because I did this.
Grieve / death is a hard emotion to process.
It hits you in ways you don't even recognise.
You think you're over it and then wam - back to square one.
In my case a bad break up became my focal point
You've been through so much pain.
You feel guilty for not now being happy because of your great life / children / husband etc.
but you been through so much there is still pain there.
Focussing as you are doing gives you the outlet to pour out this pain.
(Guilt squashes it back down again) - you will need a really good therapist to help you process your feelings.

@bakewellbride my kids are adults now and I completely disagree that you worry more about girls, especially about the going out for the evening. Boys are far more likely to be the victim of violence, and you only have to look at the riots to see it's about 99% males involved, including quite young boys.

I agree being a parent comes with worries full stop! But I think particularly in recent years it's been bloody difficult to be a teenager or young adult just as much for males as females

I haven't read may of the previous posts but I wanted you to know you are not alone and maybe give a prospective of someone who lost her first daughter (still birth) but went on to have a second daughter 2 years later.

I don't think having a second daughter would help with your feelings. I still think about my first daughter every day and if anything having a visual reminder of what could have been with my first daughter is extremely hard. Every moment has a reflection of this shouldn't be the first. Don't get me wrong I am able to separate and understand that my second daughter is her own person and those experiences are unique to her. BUT it is so hard having such a stark reminder of what I should have already experienced with my first daughter.

On the comment of not being able to carry girls. I know how hard this comment is to hear. I had two following miscarriages to my still birth and everyone's comment was 'they must have been girls'. We chose not to find out. It's so cruel for anyone to say this and shows just how much they do not understand.

I also don't think these feelings are necessarily related to your losses. I have a friend who experiences significant grief over not having a girl after having 2 boys. She had no issues with her fertility and pregnancies for context. She described it as wanting to have someone she could relate to in her house at that moment in time. Her boys are very typically boyish (I am aware that could change and so is she) but at that moment they decided not to have any more children, she was hit by this feeling of never really having someone to relate to in her family home.

I don't have advice but I totally would feel the same as you do if I'd not had a girl. Sorry for your loss. If it was me I'd look into gender selection but will probs get jumped on for saying it.

I feel for you. I have a close friend who has 4 boys. She had a girl at one point but she died from cot death when she was a couple of weeks old. Then she yearned to have another girl and she had a boy. She took a long time to come to terms with her final child being a boy but I think it was more than that tbh. She was also just yearning for that little girl she didn't get to know properly and it was part of her grieving process.

Her eldest is in his 20s now and she still says she's so sad she never had a girl but has come to terms with it. She's hoping for a granddaughter in the future!

I think, like her, your situation is more about your grief for your little girl and not just about this desire to be a girl mum. Hopefully you manage to find some peace with it and also, I hope you find someone understanding who you can talk to about it. Your feelings are valid.

This. I was literally going to reply with the statistics on male-on-male violence. The rate of stabbings, jumpings and general violence is increasing constantly and it's terrifying to think of teenage boys going out. Perceptions such as these - that girls are in need of more protection - is continuing the view that boys are tough and can hold their own, but this isn't true. Young boys are struggling with their masculinity in a world that criminalises them.

I was always longing to have a daughter. Not to be a mini-me, or do girly stuff like spas and nails. I'm very senior in a STEM role and not particularly girly.

It was because I have a very close relationship with my mum and sisters. I'm also close with my dad/brothers, but it's different with my mum/sisters. We're all very different personalities, but all get on very well.

In the end I have b/g twins. I adore both of them, and hopefully will have very close relationships with both of them as adults.

I think that situation probably has a lot to do with how you are feeling now. There is a lot of unresolved trauma. You had a double loss and no resolution. Counselling would hopefully help with that. Are you still thinking of having another child by any chance?

I think your feelings are totally understandable. Many of us long for a daughter , especially after having boys .

Because it's not just any girl you want - you want your girl and you're understandably struggling with the loss of your baby and all the dreams you had for her. Those feelings are completely understandable, logical and perfectly valid. It's ok to feel that way.

Even if you were to have one, another baby girl might be healing for you but she might also make things worse, rather than better because nothing can undo what's gone before. I totally understand wanting another baby and feeling sad for the daughter you don't have but Id really recommend some grief counseling, CBT or EMDR to help you to move past this because it sounds like it's impacting you hugely.