Grief of not having a daughter

[calista12]

Before I begin, I know this is going to be a controversial post and that some people may be angered by it, but I have chosen to write it in the hope that someone will have some sympathetic advice.

I have three beautiful little boys, who I adore. Each of them is an amazing little person, with his own personality and incredible outlook on the world. They astound me every day with how wonderful they are and I would not change them for anything.

However, my heart aches for another child - specifically, a daughter - so much so that it is making me extremely sad. I do not voice these feelings out-loud in real life out of fear of being judged as cruel or selfish.

My journey to getting my three boys has not been easy; I've had seven miscarriages, with the first happening before the boys were born. I was almost fifteen weeks, and the baby was a girl. I was devastated at the time, but since having three boys and more miscarriages, the grief of losing my daughter has grown. I wonder all the time what she would have been like. I think, in my head, I've equated her with my only chance of having a daughter, and that's made the grief of losing her grow and grow and grow. I think about her all the time, and it's getting unhealthy, but I don't know what to do. When I did try to mention it to a friend, I was swiftly told to be grateful for what I do have; some people who have miscarriages don't get to have children at all and I'm lucky. It's also difficult to grieve so much for her because she has a different father to my boys, so it's weird for my husband to see me crying over a miscarried baby that wasn't his and clearly longing to have her back. He's even commented, in rows about me being sad, that I don't cry over the other six as much, which makes me feel guilty again.

It isn't a case of wishing the boys I have had been girls, but more of a wanting to have a girl as well. But obviously I can't just keep going on having children! People who know about my miscarriages always say 'oh, you mustn't be able to carry girls', and I hide the pain I feel when they say it because it hurts to hear people say it.

Logically, I know that each child is different. If I had a daughter, there's no guarantee she'd like me, that we'd have a good bond, that they'd be into 'girly' things or anything like that, that she'd even want to identify as a girl as she grew up! I understand all of this, but there's a major conflict between my logical awareness of how utterly silly wanting a daughter is and the unbidden emotional sadness I feel! It's actually quite frustrating and I just want to snap myself out of it. I feel guilty all the time, but the sadness and grief is growing as time passes, not stopping. It's obviously worse now I've had my final child because I know I'm not going to have a daughter at all now.

Does anyone else feel like this?

I know that lots of people view people like me who want a specific gender to be very selfish and horrible people and so I am expecting some nasty comments. But just to reiterate:

• I am not unhappy with the children I have; it is not about wishing they were different, but about wishing we had a girl as well as them.
• It is not about being ungrateful for the children I have. My fertility journey has not been easy at all. I am lucky to have my children, I know, and wouldn't say otherwise.

@CutthroatDruTheViolent You've made up this whole scenario in your mind about what people who want a daughter actually want, smugly sitting up there on your high horse with both sexes

Nope. Thats based on decades of feedback from lots of people who only have sons when they have told me they wished they had a daughter and I asked why. I never once got ‘to experience a girl’. I always got:
-because I’m close to my mum and wanted the same thing with a daughter
-because I didn’t have a great relationship with mum and want to have the relationship I wanted to have with her with my daughter
-because I want a daughter to share the experiences of spa days, formal shopping, girl movies etc

I’m old. I’ve met a lot of people. Have talked with a lot of people and it’s something that has often come up when people ask about your kids and you tell them you have boys and girl. Funnily, I’ve never had a woman with only girls tell me they wished they had a boy, but a lot who have said ‘I’m sure my husband wished we had a boy as well’. I’m sure people DO exist who just want to experience a child of a certain sex with absolutely nothing behind that expectation, I’m not saying they don’t, I’ve just never met any of them over several decades.

My Sil has three boys. She was told at her scan the last one was a girl and she was thrilled. Of course it was a boy (but wore all the beautiful clothes had bought for the first three months)! She says she was happy to have a healthy baby that's all that mattered. And yet.
I become pregnant a few years later and she was congratulating me. I told her it was a girl - she burst in to tears. She was happy for us (my DH already had three boys, the last with me) but obviously she was overwhelmed and it brought up all those feelings again.
So no you are certainly not alone. My MIL had four boys. She had several miscarriages and two were far enough along to tell they were girls. My daughter was actually the first female born in the paternal line in over 120 years.

I completely agree with this. When I read the pp about worrying more about girls, I just didn't agree! Women of course worry about being attacked when they go out but men are far more likely to be attacked than women. Boys also don't do so well at school and are more likely to suffer from mental health issues or commit suicide. The world is a tough place for men if they don't conform to a stereotyped male ideal. As we've seen from the recent riots, many men in society appear to have lost their way.
I have one of each and worry much more about my son because he is a more sensitive, anxious person who struggles with life. My DD is wonderfully confident and self assured. She's thriving. Of course I worry about her too - but it's not true to say girls are always more of a worry.

My mum had me 11 years after having 3 boys. I have a friend who had three boys then a girl about 9 years later. How old are you op? Can you maybe have another go?

I have two girls but lots of miscarriages and it was said to me 'you weren't meant to carry boys' it's a senseless statement with no scientific research to back it up. People can be very insensitive.

Now I'm approaching grandparent years I'm kind of hoping I see a boy but I would never voice that to my girls.

Same with me. Of course I love my son and for my next baby I actually wanted another boy though I had been shocked my first was a boy and not a girl. I ended up having a daughter and I'm so grateful everyday. No one needs to explain why they want a boy or a girl, there's nothing wrong with wanting either.

I think your feelings are so completely valid, just feel how you feel. How old are your boys? Just remember hormones are a killer after birth and this type of feeling can feel overwhelming when you are post partum.

I think this is really about your relationship with your mum. You are not close and so you crave a relationship with a daughter to replace what isn't there with your mum. Our brains are not rational and the heart wants what it wants. I do think counselling will help you explore your feelings deeper so you can accept them and move forward with your 3 wonderful boys.

I had the exact same desire for a daughter as my relationship with my own mother is complicated. I have two girls now which is what I dreamed of as a little girl but for some strange reason I now want a boy! Go figure. I blame the hormones. Honestly I think it will be a relief to reach menopause sometimes

Oh well I bow down to your superior powers of social study when having idle chit chat with people you've known.

@calista12 Are you only 26 now OP? That's very young to have had such a journey - no wonder your feelings are so strong and all over the place!

I do think some therapy would be beneficial for you, but also, with time, I do genuinely think this will abate. I had my first at 26, but from 24/25 all I could think of was babies. It was like everywhere I looked, there were babies - where were mine? Why wasn't I pregnant? That biological urge can be so outrageously strong at times.

It's not as uncommon as you might think. People just dont voice it. I didn't. The reasons can be complex and yours are all valid. I have three boys and a girl. We are all very close. In fact I'm often surprised at how much my older boys over share with me.

I took my boys to the cinema this year and it was just such a lovely feeling. How else could I hang out with a bunch of men? We have a real nice dynamic where actually I'm not the boss anymore so that's also nice. I'm like a lad that gets constantly ribbed if we all go out as a family so it's teaching me to be humble. I didn't expect this aspect. It's lovely.

I knew I'd always want a daughter until my death bed. She is nothing like I imagined her. I love her so much. She is really feisty boy in a dress. The reality of being the only and youngest girl in a male house.

I had a miscarriage 7 years ago and I ache for the what could have beens too.

I’m so sorry for your losses OP. I’ve had 5 mcs (and 2 kids) so understand a little, but none were as far along as the girl you lost.

I don’t think this is about wanting a girl as such but more about dealing with the trauma of that Mc and then the loss of your relationship - it must have been absolutely horrendous. And I think deep down you have felt that if you had a daughter she would somehow replace or cure that loss, but it hasn’t happened.

I know that the only way I’ve been able to get over my mcs is to know that I’m going to keep trying, so I can completely imagine that if I reached a point where we weren’t going to try anymore I would have awful feelings of things being unresolved. I think that’s really what you’re feeling here and the girl thing is a bit of a red herring.

Hopefullu therapy will help you to process the loss and move on and enjoy your beautiful children.

I think I would feel exactly like this? Have you thought about adopting a girl? There's a scheme called independent visiting where you can volunteer to take a child in care out for the day once a month. This could give you a taste of working with kids in care or give you a bit of a bond with a girl that you are craving?

I have three sons and no daughters. I'm very happy with my situation, was never bothered about what sex my children were, and to be honest usually have very little sympathy with gender disappointment posts.

OP, your post struck me though, and I really feel for you. I think you've got two separate but connected things going on.

Firstly, you haven't (not surprisingly) come to terms with the miscarriage of your daughter. You've had so much going on. I really recommend, as others have already, some grief counselling. It helps. I've needed it for a different reason and was sceptical, but it helped.

Secondly, you say you've had your last child and completed your family. That is a watershed in any woman's life and can be hard enough to come to terms with even without anything else going on. Added to the trauma you've suffered, it's bound to make things worse because it's suddenly hit you that that's it, no more children, no longed-for daughter, and somehow you have to try to come to terms with it.

I really do think that counselling, talking to an outsider who will listen without judgement and help you reframe your thoughts, will help a lot.