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Parenting

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Original poster

Help here needed big time, feel a real old fuddy duddy and DD thinks I am being unreasonable - what do you think? Please be honest!

130 replies

pinkbubble · 14/04/2008 21:40

DD (almost 14) asked if she can have 3 friends to sleep over later this week. I say ok, DH is away for the night, not worried about that, in fact think its probably easier.

Then DD drops a bomb shell!!!!!!

"Can we have alcohol!" Says she

"No" says I

"Oh please!"

"No"

"Well when we were at ....... house we were allowed Archers and WKED!"

" " says I

Am I being old and Fuddy Duddy or am I being a responsible parent?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

fireflytoo · 15/04/2008 10:30

Whatever you do...I would check and confirm with the parents of the other children. As their opinion is even more important than ours.

bergentulip · 15/04/2008 10:43

I remember being 13. Doesn't anyone else?
Or maybe I was nearer 16.... BUT,

I was bought a box of those tiny little dumpy beers (the 3.5% french ones bought in most supermarkets). I was allowed one in the evening, with dinner, or with my dad watching the tellie.
I just wanted to feel grown up. My parents did not want to ban something I clearly had an interest in. It'll be painfully embarrassing for your DD to think that her parents are waaaaaaay more uncool than other parents.....(!)
I know, I know, that is hardly our problem now, as parents, but just try seeing it from her point of view.

The beer? To be honest, I did not even like them that much, so would sip it incredibly slowly.
I would recommend, after checking with other parents of course, get them one of those each- I guarantee they will all be too embarrassed to tell each other they don't like it, but drink the stuff so slowly it'll not have any effect what-so-ever.
Result = they all feel grown up, but secretly decide alcohol is pretty revolting, and therefore leave it another few years before going crazy on the stuff Ha haaaarrr.......

JodieG1 · 15/04/2008 10:46

I was never allowed to drink in the house, when we had family do's I was allowed 1 or 2 from about 16/17 but that was it.

I'm happy with that and I'll be doing the same with my dc's although not as strict on the drinking at home.

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Original poster

pinkbubble · 15/04/2008 12:12

DD unhappy is an understatement! She is barely talking to me, when she does she just wells up in tears. I do feel an ogre, but I am standing strong on this. I have reminded her that there have been times when I have over reacted and I have gone back to her later on and have relaxed my decision. I have point blank told her I am not relaxing on this, even with more thinking. Have spoken to a few friends this morning and they are all just as shocked as I am.

Its times like this I hate being a MUMMY!!!

OP posts:

NorthernLurker · 15/04/2008 12:16

Have you spoken to the parents who supoosedly did allow alcohol yet? I would definately be tempted to give them a piece of my mind!!

cory · 15/04/2008 12:28

If I had said no and my child's guests still smuggled alcohol in, I would ring for their parents to come and collect them. And I would make them feel how disappointed I was. At 13, you are not mature enough to decide these things- it's what the parents say that goes. Besides, it is always what your hostess says that goes.
You stand strong, my dear!

3kidsisquiteenuff · 15/04/2008 12:30

hi there i would have to say no ,14 is way too young they have age limits on these things for a reason. i can still remember clearly when my little sister was 14 mum giving her the odd fag it shocked me to the core .why on earth would you want your child to damage their health like that ?????????

Twiglett · 15/04/2008 12:31

at 14 I was going to parties where there were no parents, was alcohol and we all paired off and turned a room into a snogging room of couples entwined

from this thread it looks like it was just me

Twiglett · 15/04/2008 12:32

I am not a drinker btw .. the odd glass of wine .. my parents were always relaxed on the wine with dinner rule (started with it watered down and then had a glass on a special occasion) .. none of my family are 'drinkers'

cory · 15/04/2008 12:38

I don't think your experience is uncommon, Twiglett, but that's no reason why the OP should feel bullied into providing alcohol when she doesn't actually want to. I wouldn't want to either, and I'd do the same as her.

Twiglett · 15/04/2008 12:40

her question was is she being fuddy duddy refusing, my response was that we did it when we were teens. I personally think she is being overly strict and would go with the wine suggestion at dinner

I don't have a 14 year old daughter .. but will one day ..

Kewcumber · 15/04/2008 12:49

I'm in Twigletts camp was allowed alcohol with meals if I wanted - wine or beer not anything harder no spirits. I will probably take a simialr approach to my chidlren - alcopops are spawn of the devil and shuold be avoided like the plague but IMVHO small amounts of low level alcohol taken with food isn;t the end of the world and will start to teach your DD sensible drinking.

I can see many of you don't agree but I donlt think giving a 14 yr old some alcohol is such a big deal. I would relax on the no alcohol rule and take zero tolerance to any aclohol which tastes like sugary fruit juice.

Kewcumber · 15/04/2008 12:50

I also don't drink now Twig though did my share a few years ago so not sure if that says much...

JeremyVile · 15/04/2008 12:53

I drank with my friends at that age too (I think most do to some extent).
If I had a 13/14yo and found out they were drinking when out, I'd have a word knowing it's pretty much inevitable and not necessarily a big deal. It's part of discovery and rebellion.
But where's the rebellion in this case? It's the normalisation of alcohol just because. And it's not about 'feeling grown up' either - tha's what a glass of wine with a meal is for - not WKD.
Alcohol as rebellion is normal
Alcohol provided by parents as a feature of a sleepover is wierd.

chopchopbusybusy · 15/04/2008 12:54

I do think parents allowing their children very small amounts of alcohol at home is different to buying alcopops - even if it is just one each - to be consumed with their friends. The OPs DD is 13.

Kewcumber · 15/04/2008 12:56

I was drinking with my parents at 13. It's very common in many countries.

citylover · 15/04/2008 12:57

I too was going to parties at 13/14 and drinking cider unsupervised with snogging etc.

I would probably let them have one alco pop each and leave it at that.

Then was a regular in the pub from age 15/16.

This was in the late 70s.

It's so hard isn't it? I have son of nearly 12 and am sure that this will be coming up in the next few years.

Original poster

pinkbubble · 15/04/2008 13:01

OK Twig can see where you are coming from. But we do not normally drink alcohol at a meal time, so why should we just for that evening. Even if we all go out for dinner in a restaurant we still do not drink any alcohol with our meal. We do drink alcohol in front of them, but its not normally before 7.30 or so, because we regard that time as adult time, and start to wind the day down.

as for alcopops, we don't drink them, and we very rarely drink wine either. Its beer or cider in this house!

OP posts:

chopchopbusybusy · 15/04/2008 13:04

Kew, if that was in reply to my post I have no problem with children tasting alcohol at home with their parents. It's buying alcopops for their get togethers with mates that I wouldn't do. My DDs aged 14 and 11 have tried lager, wine and cider and don't like the taste. I suspect they would like alcopops - but I won't be buying them.

Kewcumber · 15/04/2008 13:05

I agree that alcopops are a terrible invention.

wannaBe · 15/04/2008 13:15

The issue I would have isn?t so much that alcohol is an evil that should be avoided, I think that having more of a relaxed attitude to alcohol does influence the way you relate to it, ie if it?s not made a big deal then it won?t be a big deal. But?

When I was 14 the alcohol that was around was real alcohol, beer, wine, spirits which you could add t mixers to dull the taste, but predominantly they weren?t that nice to the pallet of a 14 year old. But now alcohol is dressed up to be something different. The only reason why alcopops exist is to sell alcohol to those that don?t like the taste. And they go down incredibly easily, much easier to down a bottle of something that tastes like orange/lemonade/peach than to down a bottle of beer.

I also agree with zippy that it?s best to have a straight ?no? rule than to say ?well just a little bit?, that way there can be no confusion.

oregonianabroad · 15/04/2008 13:47

If she's still not speaking to you, why not ask her if she still wants to go ahead with the party, or would she rather do something else? not to be contfrontational, but genuinely wondering if maybe that would take the pressure off her? She is probably worrying about how this will all look to her friends.

I started drinking quite heavily at this age, with my parent's tacit approval, and let me tell you, I have many regrets. I agree that a relaxed attitude is one thing (e.g wine with meals. etc), but teens thinking alcopops are OK and getting blasted just puts them (and their health) at risk.

I really empathise with you.

Kewcumber · 15/04/2008 13:59

you earlier said that they won;t be vrey good friends if they dump her over this but I think she's worried about not looking cool to gher frineds - isn't that the worst event imaginable to a 13 yr old?

frogs · 15/04/2008 14:08

Kew, I think not looking cool to your mates is quite bad to a 13yo. But I would also worry how solid those friendships were if they could be derailed over something like that.

Tbh I would not be happy if dd1 were being put under pressure like that, but I would expect her to accept my POV even if that involved a lot of eye-rolling and bad-mouthing me behind my back, in an "Oh god my parents are being so unreasonable, but never mind, let's choose some DVDs to watch and we'll just have to put up with the sad oldies being party poopers" kind of way.

AbbeyA · 15/04/2008 14:09

Stand firm-you can't always be popular as a parent.You are the adult and she is the child.

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