Not coping both working full time

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Hi, does anyone else have both parents work full-time and find life just so tough?

We have 1 & 3 yr old both at nursery from 8.30-5pm. I'm off on Fridays to be with them thank goodness.

We commute to London (me once a week and husband twice a week), so 3 nights and mornings a week one of us is doing solo morning and bedtime.

I'm not coping. I wake to the baby crying for milk at 6am, toddler soon after, spend next hour or so wrestling them into clothes, breakfast, you know it. Rush to nursery, rush home, start work at 8.30, work like mad to get my 8 hrs done - it's PR so v high pressure. Eat lunch if lucky. Rush back to nursery to get them at 5.

5-7 have grumpy tried kids, snacks, bathtime, stories. Toddler now won't go down till 7.30.

Finally have to tidy the chaos, cook supper, do laundry, workout when to shower, (actually workout... I wish!) hopefully have 1 episode of tv to relax and then bed then do it all again or go to London if my 1 day in, leaving at 6.45 and home at 8pm.

I don't know anyone else where both parents work normal hours full-time. Not sure there is a solution as we really need to the money to cover the bills and both companies we work for are kind and reasonably flexible (eg I only have to go to office 1 day a week whereas everyone else 3 days)

mostly just want support / words of wisdom / a guide to how on earth you do it when school starts & in the first years kids are too tired for clubs! Feel like I'm having a heart attack most days... Kind notes from people who do the same and can sympathise or give tips much appreciated!

(Ps hoping once school starts and don't pay 2 grand a month on nursery will be easier!)

Your post is what you do, what does your husband do?

Having done all that with both of us working from home full time, I can only agree that that is really really really tough. There's no real advice beyond, batch cook, cleaner, lower standards at home and at work. Life does get easier. You are in the trenches as they say.

Both parents aren't working full time. I guess it feels like it though.

We used to spend a good chunk of Saturday split - one would take the kids out while the other would put the washing on, batch cook some food for the week and do a bit of cleaning and tidying. Then we got a cleaner which really helped.

You need to take your lunch break at work. Just tell colleagues you are doing so and switch off computer/shut laptop for the whole break. The world is not going to end because you don't do something immediately. Do a quick bit of relaxation/meditation/listen to song you like, and eat and drink something for lunch. If you have one hour for lunch then do an essential chore like putting washing on.
I don't understand your evening routine, for us it was one cooks meal while other plays with children (in garden in summer), something quick or reheat frozen casserole/spag bol etc, but give children what they like and will eat, fresh fruit for pudding, then one clears away while the other puts both in bath. Clean bathroom while they play, bedtime story then put to bed. Relax for an hour or do small chores. You have to forget about too much cleaning or untidiness when you are very busy.
In the end what you have described is typical when both parents work, it is very tough but it passes.

Quite similar, in marketing

Thank you

It gets easier when kids are older. you need to be v organised.
Too late now but this is the reason we had kids 4 years apart..( we couldnt have afforded two lots of nursery fees at the same time without an extra job)
The first few years was gruelling, but once youngest hit school, was v grateful I had a career and the extra money available - I then managed to outsource some of the shit jobs (like cleaning) which made me feel like it was worth it!

This is a good idea. We've been away a lot at weekends as family don't live nearby plus a holiday (unfortunately neither parents live close enough to a city for us to have moved near them) but hoping will get easier as we're now home more for the foreseeable future

Evenings

• Monday husband at football, he loves this and it's his one night to workout with the lads so wouldn't want to stop
• Tues eve I'm not home till 8.15, commuting
• weds eve he stays with family/friends in London to save money on train fares
• Thurs eve, he's not home till 8.15, commuting

I think @1apenny2apenny meant what does your husband do with kids/house etc not what is his job?

If you have Fridays are off, you aren't full time? Make the most of this day to get ahead with things?

My DH and I work full time and have 3 kids. One nursery, one primary, one secondary and we've been through all the stages. You've just got to get on with it, have a positive attitude and realise it won't be stressful forever or you will grind yourself down, like it seems you are doing. There's a lot to be said for having a positive attitude and mindset!

I think you are in the hardest period with those ages. I had no working from home and no flexible working- it was utter madness and I am not sure how I got through it. I did though and am glad that I carried on working as I am reaping the benefits career wise- I did part time at various points when possible which eased the pressure a bit.

I think the pp meant what does he do to help the family load.

I would ditch the travelling. It's exhausting and means you're not at home to do bits and pieces but you have to get everyone packed and ready.

Get family to come to you and then they can entertain kids.

You sound like a single parent. It doesn't sound like your husband does anything. Didn't he want children? It doesn't sound like his life has changed at all. I'd guess that's why you're struggling.

Yes it's horrific! My kids are teens and it's still bloody hard. If you can afford it, I'd get a cleaner, make time for fun (eg friends round for takeaways and wine at the weekend) and family days out at the weekend. Take any help offered to you. I do feel your pain, you're not the only one and it is very much worth keeping a career going.

I did the full-time single mum thing, ex had to be hospitalised for years, just for context.

Over the years I learnt a couple of things. Plan everything- frees up my brain. Do one thing everyday for your head, mine was a very short yoga routine at 540 every morning, comedy podcast on evening while sorting housework.

Prioritise self care over TV, I found this was a game changer. So proper shower. Face and body skin care routine and music, or the odd play while winding down worked.

Prioritise your weekends for you and your family. This doesn't mean every weekend but the heavy duty weekends mean you don't get the break your body and mind need.

No he's amazing, but we can't help the 2 evenings away for work and I 1 think eve for football is fair enough. We fully split weekends, laundry, playtime, mornings etc when we can, he's very hands on dad. Weekends are lovely the week is just horrendous

Your husband needs to pitch in on the Monday imo. He's away for 2 nights really with being away overnight and late home. The football makes it 3 which right now isn't manageable.

It does get easier as kids get older.

All I can say once kids are in school keep your Friday off and just do everything. Even when the older one is in it might be worth paying for an extra Friday in nursery for the other day once a month. You can get so much done in 6 hours.
You can blitz the house and have various things cooking, tidy etc. no interruptions.

You are just in the worst age group for this kind of thing. But you need to simplify your meals and use that time to do other stuff.

I also wouldn’t go away unless I knew I had a day off afterwards to sort out, just don’t catch back up otherwise.

I think the PP meant what does he do in terms of helping around the house/with DCs.

Would one of you be able to reduce your hours once you no longer have to cover the nursery fees? Even if it isn't possible yet, at least there would be a light at the end of the tunnel.
You can't have it all IMO, so your options are:

• Reducing working hours
• Reduce household standards further and use increased childcare hours
• Outsourcing everything possible (you need a very generous wage for this!)
• Burn out

I agree it's really hard, I have one toddler and currently halfway through my second pregnancy. I thought two full time working parents was the norm but found that my mum friends I met whilst on maternity leave all dropped to part time except me, and most of the kids at my daughter's nursery only go in part time (although that could be because parents still work full time and they have alternative childcare I guess).

We're in the bedtime taking 2 hours+ stage at the moment as well 😩

It’s really, really hard! We have a 6 month old and a 3 year old. Both work full time. We rotate who has the children each morning/evening so that we can both travel to the city near us every other day for work. Both work in law so very long hours. So we never get mornings or evenings together during the week. The only way to do it is to be hyper organised and we achieve that by getting up at 5am. I have half an hour for coffee to myself and then crack on with prepping for the day including getting breakfast and tea for the kids ready to go. We do have a nanny 3 days a week which is amazing because she does baths etc and all of their food. Then nursery 2 days. We also have a cleaner and I don’t do a thing between her weekly visits other than tidy and wipe mess. I have to do an hours work once they are in bed normally, but we protect weekends and make sure to have high quality family and couple time! It’s a big sacrifice in the short term but when they are at school I hope to drop to part time so I am around more for them. We definitely don’t always get it right and some days and weeks are a disaster but ultimately I love my husband my kids and my job and try to focus on the good moments each day (when I can!!)

You mentioned in your OP about not being able to find time to work out. If his 1 night of football (on top of his childfree night staying with family or friends every week) is 'fair enough', when do you take your equal amount of time off for hobbies/fitness/wellbeing?

Also - we had professional help in with both kids to make sure that they slept 7-7 before I went back to work after maternity leaves, with a short and sweet bedtime routine. I really feel for anyone trying to work full time with kids who don’t sleep well. Best money we have ever spent

We both work near full time hours and it's not felt this bad but if I understand your posts correctly - out of the 5 weekdays, your DH is only dealing with the kids 1 and you are doing 4/5.

That's your problem. It doesn't feel that difficult doing half the pick ups and drop offs but you're doing 80%.

I would suggest your DH needs to find a way to be able to be around at least 2/5 weekdays - whether that's negotiating a reduction in office days, also going 4 days a week like you, or dropping football.

It's perfectly possible to both work full time but only if you both pull your weight