Not coping both working full time

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Hi, does anyone else have both parents work full-time and find life just so tough?

We have 1 & 3 yr old both at nursery from 8.30-5pm. I'm off on Fridays to be with them thank goodness.

We commute to London (me once a week and husband twice a week), so 3 nights and mornings a week one of us is doing solo morning and bedtime.

I'm not coping. I wake to the baby crying for milk at 6am, toddler soon after, spend next hour or so wrestling them into clothes, breakfast, you know it. Rush to nursery, rush home, start work at 8.30, work like mad to get my 8 hrs done - it's PR so v high pressure. Eat lunch if lucky. Rush back to nursery to get them at 5.

5-7 have grumpy tried kids, snacks, bathtime, stories. Toddler now won't go down till 7.30.

Finally have to tidy the chaos, cook supper, do laundry, workout when to shower, (actually workout... I wish!) hopefully have 1 episode of tv to relax and then bed then do it all again or go to London if my 1 day in, leaving at 6.45 and home at 8pm.

I don't know anyone else where both parents work normal hours full-time. Not sure there is a solution as we really need to the money to cover the bills and both companies we work for are kind and reasonably flexible (eg I only have to go to office 1 day a week whereas everyone else 3 days)

mostly just want support / words of wisdom / a guide to how on earth you do it when school starts & in the first years kids are too tired for clubs! Feel like I'm having a heart attack most days... Kind notes from people who do the same and can sympathise or give tips much appreciated!

(Ps hoping once school starts and don't pay 2 grand a month on nursery will be easier!)

Yes I did mention this when I mentioned compressed hours 😊

I was talking to DH about this just last week. We are the only family we know where both parents work full time and do not have family help for childcare. I only know two parents with both working but both have their grandparents for childcare. Everyone else had a parent drop down to part time/stop working.
The slog of nursery drops, commuting to work etc feels like a massive grind sometimes, but we cherish the weekends.
Its HARD. I feel like I am always failing at something!

I was at a family gathering the other week and everyone was commiserating with us for having to work and balance it with kids. We don't have family support either.

I honestly don't find it that hard. I would find it much harder to be a SAHM. But, as I said up thread, I think the key to that is having a DH who genuinely does 50:50, the situation the OP is in wouldn't work for me at all.

In my circle this is just standard unfortunately. . The early years can be tough but majority of us are going through it. My DP works away Mon - Fri and I work Mon - Thurs so drop 2 year old DS off at childcare from 8-4:30/5. He goes to bed at 7 then I crack on with a few chores, watch max an hour of tv/reading then go to sleep. At the weekends I have more time to chill as DP takes the lead and does all bed time routines Fri/Sat/Sun andgets up with DS so I get a lie in and I never feel burnt out. If you are not getting much support from him then obviously that is a problem you need to work out with him. All I've ever known is solo mornings/evenings during the week and I know I only have 1 (but pregnancy with number 2 and will be the same set up) but I've never found it particularly difficult, we just have a solid routine and always have done. Everyone I know their DP/DH works full time and they work 30hrs - full time themselves, its just reality. You're lucky to only have to commute 1 day and get 3 days WFH, I wish I could!

I don’t think it’s that unusual for two parents to work full time and have a couple of days commuting into the office a week - we do the same. Both work Monday - Friday, mixture of home and office. (Some weeks it’s 2 days a week in the office each, some it’s more like 3 or 4). Our family live 4 hours away so no help there either.

Your issue is saying he can’t help more than half the week. If he’s in London 2 nights a week he’s not helping with meal prep or house tidying or anything else. Why is he out another night at football if he’s already not doing 50%? If football is just with his friends can he go later on? And on football night can’t he come home afterwards and cook dinner for tomorrow for you to just reheat? Why can’t he do housework after he gets back? When is your night to blow off steam?

(And perhaps missing the point here… but when did 4 days a week become full time? Are you doing compressed hours? If not, is your workload properly adjusted to 80% because I’ll bet your pay is! It’s why I didn’t bother going 4 days - I’d still need to be contactable on day 5, my workload wouldn’t reduce much but it’s a huge pay cut).

This isn’t to say it’s an easy stage - it’s not (we’re knackered too!) but it’s not that unusual. You just have to appropriately share the strain (which it doesn’t sound like you are if he’s “busy” or away 3 or 4 days a week!)

It’s horrendous and I caved after baby number two and only work part-time and won’t ever commute: DP does two days in the office so everything lands on me and it takes a couple of days to reset after that, if I were commuting back to back with him it would all fall apart. I’m lucky I have a handful of career options so have been able to choose fully remote, part-time work, though there is a financial penalty.

It gets easier in some ways with an older kid – the nursery bill goes down, they’re less hands-on needy/don’t need watching every second. But they’re more emotionally needy and go to bed later, so swings and roundabouts. The baby/toddler chaos gets replaced with PE kit and reading diary chaos.

Don’t have any solutions, only solidarity.

Our lives sound identical, in terms of schedule, even down to the evenings. Although my kids don’t sleep until after 8:30. The only answer is to use my lunch ‘break’ for household chores or things like putting washing on quickly on the way to make a cup of coffee etc. but yes no time to batch cook or exercise or socialise. The only way to survive it is to adjust expectations for this life stage. I also try to see the time with the kids as enjoyable rather than a negative rush. So I am happy to be woken early by them as means can enjoy a leisurely breakfast without it all feeling fraught and stressful. Same with bedtime, I notice I find it much worse if I’m trying to Will them to sleep earlier so I can relax. So I ensure those bits remain the highlight of my day. Then weekends are much easier if you divide and conquer, so you could go exercise or do whatever for you at least one morning a week and:or one person take the kids out whilst other cleans etc.

I think you need a nanny and not nursery? Or you needed a bigger age gap (too late for that ha ha).

I have a 17 & 10 year olds and it's bloody hard having 2 full time jobs!! I was doing 4 days at my previous job and it was a million times easier. Now I feel like I'm on a treadmill I can't get off of.

Don't ever give up your 1 day off. Never!

We only had the one DC, but both worked FT (40hrs+), and I did a Masters while DD was 9-28months. (I'd gone back to work when she was 5ths, having taken an additional month unpaid - the norm then).

DH and I were a team. He changed nappies, fed her dinners, changed her clothes, put her to bed - just as much as I did. I gave up bf'ing at 11 months and then we shared bottles.

I tended to do the nappy bag for Crêche, he tended to do bins. We shared laundry, he took over ironing (and still does it all) as he could b'f. Whoever cooks, doesn't wash up, in our house.

Dd went into Creche with DH and home with me - and once she turned 1, that was on the back of DH bike and by bus/train with me.

We washed laundry all week as needed and put it on the clothes horse/outdoor line/tumble dryer as possible. But left folding it all to a weekend job, on the sitting room floor watching a movie together.

We always left the kitchen tidy at night before bed, I laid out breakfast bowls etc, left all bags packed except for lunches (for DH and I) and DD bottles, prepped for dinner next day, and laid out our clothes upstairs before bed.

Prepped dinner meant peeling veg/potatoes, taking meat or a meal from freezer to defrost, checking I had all the ingredients needed. So when I got in from work next day, I could turn on pots to cook and then start emptying bags, chat with dd, sort what needed sorting, check mail etc - instead of starting that prep first.

We shared the cleaning at weekends, often did online grocery shopping, etc.

We generally managed an hour of tv at night before bed. Weekends were busy but we always had time for playgrounds and relaxation too. But social lives changed for a while - no theatres/cinema trips, very few dinners out etc, more having people over with their DCs or visiting other friends at home with DD in tow.

It was hard. But we did it together and got through it somehow. We had a cleaner at some stages over the years. I sometimes went out to grocery shop late in the evening for peace and quiet. We had occasional nights out with friends individually but not as a couple until we found a babysitter when she turned 7, except for the odd time the ILs minded her.

But we love her dearly, we managed to get to Parent-Teacher meeting and most school events like plays etc. Dd did a lot of extracurriculars but more at weekends than after school midweek. She's turned out well despite many challenges, and is currently waiting on leaving cert (A level equivalent) results to go to the Netherlands for Uni.

How big is your house? Do you have a spare room?

This is at the DC's age and in similar circumstances we found ourselves struggling, so our solution was to get a live-in au pair for a few years. She was not there for full time childcare, but did do the nursery pick up and some of the kids laundry and babysat for us once a week. It was honestly a livesaver until the eldest went to school (and then she stayed in the area and did after school pick up for us!)

Batch cooking and freezing was also something I did - when I was cooking a Sunday roast so in the kitchen anyway, I'd do a double batch of a freezable dinner - half for Monday night and half to freeze for later in the following week. So I only had to reheat sauce and cook rice/pasta on Monday night.

Meals like spag Bol, chilli, various curries, shepherd's pie, lasagna, smoked fish and broccoli pie (mash top), chicken and mushroom pie (pastry top), etc.

And I learned to use the timer function on the oven, to set a meal (pie, casserole, stew etc) to cook in the afternoon and be finished and turn itself off right about when we were due home in the evening.

3 & 1 nearly killed us, honestly it was awful. We both work five days, no family nearby.

4 & 2 was easier, 5 & 3 a big bit easier again and 6 & 4 is totally doable.

It's tough because it is really really hard, it will get easier. Lower your standards, outsource all you can and just cling on with your fingernails until they're a bit bigger.

Both full time here. Kids are older now, but when they were that age, H was an army officer and away a lot for long periods. I work in pharma, so also have travel, and had a long commute to fit round H's postings. It was really tough at times. There were no football evenings or similar for either of us, not enough time or energy. We didn't have an au pair, couldn't afford it, but we did have a cleaner. Both pulled our weight round the house.

What it has allowed is that we have a lovely house almost fully paid off in our early 50s, an affordable plan to retire by mid50s, having privately educated both from after H left the forces.