Not coping both working full time

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Hi, does anyone else have both parents work full-time and find life just so tough?

We have 1 & 3 yr old both at nursery from 8.30-5pm. I'm off on Fridays to be with them thank goodness.

We commute to London (me once a week and husband twice a week), so 3 nights and mornings a week one of us is doing solo morning and bedtime.

I'm not coping. I wake to the baby crying for milk at 6am, toddler soon after, spend next hour or so wrestling them into clothes, breakfast, you know it. Rush to nursery, rush home, start work at 8.30, work like mad to get my 8 hrs done - it's PR so v high pressure. Eat lunch if lucky. Rush back to nursery to get them at 5.

5-7 have grumpy tried kids, snacks, bathtime, stories. Toddler now won't go down till 7.30.

Finally have to tidy the chaos, cook supper, do laundry, workout when to shower, (actually workout... I wish!) hopefully have 1 episode of tv to relax and then bed then do it all again or go to London if my 1 day in, leaving at 6.45 and home at 8pm.

I don't know anyone else where both parents work normal hours full-time. Not sure there is a solution as we really need to the money to cover the bills and both companies we work for are kind and reasonably flexible (eg I only have to go to office 1 day a week whereas everyone else 3 days)

mostly just want support / words of wisdom / a guide to how on earth you do it when school starts & in the first years kids are too tired for clubs! Feel like I'm having a heart attack most days... Kind notes from people who do the same and can sympathise or give tips much appreciated!

(Ps hoping once school starts and don't pay 2 grand a month on nursery will be easier!)

It’s really tough, would you not be better with a nanny? Realistically, a nanny will be better to take you into the school years too and they can help with all things child related at home.

Okay, to start, you are in the hardest part with the most slog - both DC are young enough to need almost constant attention and supervision, sleep is still a bit erratic etc etc. So give yourself that break.

On your day when you're the one who is late home from work, I think you should NOT be rushing back to be back by 8:15. Your DH has a night at football and a night at a friend's house, you deserve one evening where you are not doing anything. So do whatever will make you feel best - for me, sometimes it was just not feeling like I had to RUSH at the end of the day to get that specific train and being able to have that extra chit chat with a colleague and feeling relaxed taking the next train. Sometimes it was meeting a friend or colleague for dinner or a drink. Sometimes I went to the gym (to work out or sometimes just to sit in the cafe with my book). Sometimes I went to the big sainsburys and did the weekly shop but quietly, slowly, at peace, while looking at all the clothing/kitchen stuff!

Is the 3 year old starting school in 2025 or 2026? Either way, but especially if it's 2026, I would consider whether a nanny might be a better option. With 2 children, a nanny can often work out about the same price as nursery, and you can choose the hours a bit more carefully. eg on your day from home she works shorter days and on your office days she works longer ones. A nanny can also ensure that dinner for the DC at least is provided and they're settled and in the wind down phase when you take over, massively reducing the stress for you.

On weekends, you absolutely need some time to divide and conquer as PP have suggested. So Saturday 1, you get a lie in while DH gets up with the DC, gets them up and out the house, delivering a cup of tea to you on their way out the door. YOu then get up, and do the chores that need doing - clean the bathrooms, blitz through laundry, some batch cooking, vacuuming or whatever, preferably while listening to a podcast or your preferred music or having a long phone chat with your mum. Then Saturday 2, you swap this round.

Edited to add: or perhaps you should ALSO stay with friends in London on your late day? You can save money AND get a break at the same time? Not just for the evening, but the following morning too.

I would have one of you take kids out Saturday while other catch's up and batch cooks. Cleaner if you can afford it.

On a weekday night I would eat with kids (if they have eaten give them supper) it's sociable, entertains them and it's one less thing to do when they are in bed.

Try to clean as you go so pots straight in dishwasher , take washing up/downstairs with you as needed. I'd stick to pots, clothes quick tidy and wiping surfaces during week. Do rest at weekend. Order food shop.

You say the the OP that you feed the baby and toddler, dress them, take them to nursery, rush home, feed them, clean up etc I'm wondering where your husband is. For example can't you take it in turns to do the morning start?

Can he change jobs? Negotiate his hours or ask for compressed hours?

Why are you making all the compromises and doing all the rushing around? Isn't your job just as important? I hope you get an evening to yourself as he gets one for football.

Yes, also this.

I'm not saying your DH isn't great. BUT, it is very common for even the good ones to slip into this world where YOU are in charge and YOU are the one facilitating THEM getting a break. DH, for example, was happily sleeping in and acting like the third child where I had to get him up and moving or even, if I was in London for the day, I had to get up earlier so I could still do ALL "my" chores. When we stopped to think about it, we realised how batshit it was and DH immediately shifted his process. But we had to stop and think.

So what is happening in the mornings? Are you both getting up at the same time? Or do you consistently get up earlier? On the days you're each in London, are you doing the same amount in the morning? For us, we find (now DC are a bit older) we take turns to be the first one up, to feed the pets, make tea etc and theother one gets a cup of tea in bed. When they were younger, it was more that we both got up at the same time and then one was in charge of getting kids up and dressed while the other one made breakfast, fed pets, made tea etc .

Mine are 5 and 2, so one in primary school and 1 in full time nursery. We both work full time, mostly from home, and luckily with a lot of flexibility - we couldnt manage without this.

We don't have a strict schedule or anything, we've just each adopted our own tasks, and we both pitch in with what needs to be done. I'm lucky that I can leave to collect my son after school, and then catch up on work while he plays, or in the evening/weekend. My work is task based rather than hours (editor).

It's tough for sure with no local family or support. We don't really spend any 1 on 1 time (me and dp), and ds5 has only just started to sleep in his own room (health issues). I'm still co sleeping and feeding the youngest, but we've been pretty lucky with her health and temperament-wise.

We manage because we have to. We divide and conquer. A lot of the weekends, one of us will play with the kids for an hour or so, while the other gets on with jobs, and we switch it up to keep things getting done all day. This gives us the free time to do long beach/park trips as a family (both a short walk from home). Robot hoover is a huge help in keeping things clean, and prompting the kids to pick up their toys (or he'll eat them...)

I don't know any other dual full time working families. I actually don't know any full time working mums (except my own!), though I chat with the mums at school pick up every day. Many don't work at all, or very part time - and it's not a wealthy rich husband type area.

how on earth you do it when school starts & in the first years kids are too tired for clubs

To address this bit - I was worried about this because Mumsnet convinced me that my children would be totally exhausted by reception but it turns out they aren't at all.

They happily do after school club and holiday clubs 8-6ish (wraparound is open 7-6:30). My advice is to ask about the wraparound when you do school open days and ask other parents too. The wraparound at our school is brilliant - separate EYFS area, full hot meal (both breakfast and dinner).

OP. Which night of the week is your night out with friends/doing a hobby?

Since your husband has one such night every week, I assume you have one, too?

Yes I meant how much does he do. Looking at your replies = not enough. Take 5 minutes to write absolutely everything down in detail including the fact that washing is 4 tasks and then look at how much each if you are doing, add in mental load (does he think to put a wash in, take it out, dry it and put it away?). Then come back and say he's matching you.

Your post is very typical of hundreds on this board and I would be willing to wager that 98% of the time the 'really great dad' is not really great at pulling his weight. Perhaps you need to suggest he stops football for a while? Does he also feel it's all getting too much .......

There does seem to be an imbalance here - he gets a night at football, and a night at a friend's house and two nights when he gets home late from work. The only night he has to do bedtime is the night you're home late from work and even then, you're home by 8:15. Ditto, if you're rushing in the mornings to get everything done, what is he doing?

You need to claw some time for yourself. At the very least, one night a week where you are completely off duty - seeing friends, going to the gym, just chilling out. Whatever is necessary and preferred for YOU.

I agree with@1apenny2apenny - is he feeling as overwhelmed?

Do you at least both get equal lie in time on the weekend?

I honestly love you all. Tips / letting me know you are going through it / went through it too / taking the time to bother to post. Thank you

As a couple of people have said, I do think it's reasonably rare both parents work full-time, our childcare system just doesn't allow it for most people. It's nice to have a community of other people who do do it and can understand

I’m afraid this is part of having a family and a lifestyle that needs two incomes to support it. That’s not a criticism. I was in the same position. My husband and I both worked full time when our kids were young. It got worse when we split and I had to do it all. There was no WFH then either. It will get better when your children grow and get more independent and you will look back and know it was worth it. Sorry not much help but you’re just like thousands of other young families juggling all this

Do you work full time? Your OP said you have Fridays off. I worked 4 days a week when I first had children. Full time is really tough.

Your husband needs to do more.
He sounds like he has a pretty relaxing week.

Can you change your day off? I have Wednesday as my non working day. I did a phased return after my daughter was born because of pnd and found I can't work more than two days in a row. I need a mid week break

We both work FT and have done throughout (apart from when I was on mat leave). We managed when DSs were small by having a clear, shared routine, paying very good money for excellent childcare (childminder fed and still feeds DSs during the week), having a cleaner and shopping delivered. I’m not saying we had much headspace but I didn’t feel hard done by. I agree that going away for weekends became rare and I very much expected people to come to us (still do because DSs now have sports matches at the weekend, so family have had to get used to that).

This.

He needs to drop football if he can't negotiate away his days in London.

He can resume once the kids are in school.

I'm in two minds regarding making the dad quit football. My partner does no exercise having been in this situation ourselves. He's now very concerned about his health. As long as the Dad is genuinely doing his half, I'd try to maintain the exercise. It's also good for stress.

Can't your husband find a football team to play with in London on the night he stays over?

I'm sure he'd like to keep the status quo... But I'm also sure you'd love to have a night off to workout as well, right? If Monday is non-negotiable, can he do alternate weeks with you? So you both get an evening for hobbies every fortnight?

been there a long time ago - nearly caused divorce..then i got an au pair .
It solved a lot of this exhaustion/rushing and was cheaper than i thought.
My children went to nursery less hours and this paid for the au pair.

Surely a Nanny is the obvious solution? With two children it might make more sense than two lots of nursery fees.

And a cleaner, even if only every 2 weeks.

When is your evening off if DH gets football?

It's really hard. I only work 3 days and am just about treading water!

It's tough.... I'm a single parent to a 2 year old. I work 8.30am - 5pm, so he is in nursery from 7.30am until almost 6pm. Then it's home to sort dinner, his bath, down time for him. He doesn't go sleep until about 9.30pm. I have a little down time before bed myself. Same again next day... Personally I am really struggling with the dinners in the week days. Some days when I pick him up, he's so overtired and emotional so I have to spend a good while sorting him out. It's impossible to get him to bed much earlier because by the time we finish eating, it's 7.30pm or so and he still needs a bath and down time...
But I get through it as best as I can. Things won't always be like this. I do worry how it'll be when he's in mainstream school due to all of the school holidays, I don't have any support network with childcare. So him being in full time nursery, all year around is ideal for my working situation because I have to work. I don't know what I will do when he is in school and has all these holidays.. but I'm trying not to worry about that now. For now I'm doing what I can in the present moment, and that's all I can do.
Just ride it out. Things will change and become easier eventually I'm sure...

I was home stay for 8 years, went back to work completely accidentally, could not find anything and then one day I found everything, every kind of job. Now work various contracts from 12 to 40 h depending on my husbands busyness and sometimes stop and do breaks of one to few months. Then go again and check out another industry. On the brink to check out even newer one.

Apart from me and her father and school I have never sent my kids to anyone, nor will. It is all for them , so I make the sacrifices. Two saggy pants and one shirt but it is all for them.

This . He has 2 nights a week off ( football and staying with friends )and you get zero nights off.

He could start right now by dropping football and doing a gym class on his night in London. And you could take Monday night off by going out straight from work and coming home after the kids are in bed.

also you need to divide up the cleaning , batch cooking, online shopping , laundry , house admin etc fairly and do it at weekends . Or buy some of it in.

Lots of men who are really against hiring a cleaner / say we can’t afford it change their mind pretty fast when they are expected to do half of it.