Not coping both working full time

[NewtothisFBK4921]

Hi, does anyone else have both parents work full-time and find life just so tough?

We have 1 & 3 yr old both at nursery from 8.30-5pm. I'm off on Fridays to be with them thank goodness.

We commute to London (me once a week and husband twice a week), so 3 nights and mornings a week one of us is doing solo morning and bedtime.

I'm not coping. I wake to the baby crying for milk at 6am, toddler soon after, spend next hour or so wrestling them into clothes, breakfast, you know it. Rush to nursery, rush home, start work at 8.30, work like mad to get my 8 hrs done - it's PR so v high pressure. Eat lunch if lucky. Rush back to nursery to get them at 5.

5-7 have grumpy tried kids, snacks, bathtime, stories. Toddler now won't go down till 7.30.

Finally have to tidy the chaos, cook supper, do laundry, workout when to shower, (actually workout... I wish!) hopefully have 1 episode of tv to relax and then bed then do it all again or go to London if my 1 day in, leaving at 6.45 and home at 8pm.

I don't know anyone else where both parents work normal hours full-time. Not sure there is a solution as we really need to the money to cover the bills and both companies we work for are kind and reasonably flexible (eg I only have to go to office 1 day a week whereas everyone else 3 days)

mostly just want support / words of wisdom / a guide to how on earth you do it when school starts & in the first years kids are too tired for clubs! Feel like I'm having a heart attack most days... Kind notes from people who do the same and can sympathise or give tips much appreciated!

(Ps hoping once school starts and don't pay 2 grand a month on nursery will be easier!)

We only have one child and only been back at work a month as he’s 7 months old but I work full time and so does DH.
DH WFH full time and I work in the office about 5 minutes drive away, I also only take 30 minute lunch so I can work 9-5. We get up about 6.30, I feed the baby whilst DH does breakfast and eats his, he then walks the dog with the baby in the pram whilst I eat mine and have a shower/ get dressed. I leave the house about 8.15 and DH has a shower before work, I drop baby in nursery on my way into the office at about 8.30. At the moment I eat a sandwich and pump a bottle of milk in a private room as still BF during my 30 min lunch break, DH in his lunch break puts a wash on and cleans the kitchen up from breakfast. I pick the baby up on the way back from work from nursery, DH walks the dog after he finishes work and I get in prep and cook dinner, either with baby in kitchen playing on the mat / in his bouncer or DH takes him in the pram, we eat dinner together at 6 and one of us then does bath/bed whilst the other cleans up the kitchen from dinner. Baby still wakes 4ish times a night so we usually go to bed at about 8.30/9pm (unless DH goes out).
I think the issue is the long commute, your DH being away overnight and not sharing the load on the other nights. I wouldn’t manage if DH didn’t walk the dog, sort clearing up/washing at lunch and help doing the evening routine. DH went out last night but not until 8.30 after we’d sorted everything, he plays squash/goes running but usually gets a later court or goes for a run with the dog instead of a walk.

Op, this is a community who understand. But it's also a community that has expressed concern about the unequal load you and your dh seem to doing..

Wow I can’t believe you outsource your children’s education to strangers! Thats pretty selfish, you should make more of a sacrifice and home educate them .

Lots of parents do this and also work full time from home, which allows them to grow all their own organic food, instead of buying pesticide laden stuff from the supermarket. Yes it’s hard work but a healthy diet is important and I like to put my children first .

They learn useful skills like growing vegetables, animal husbandry ( we have our own chickens, goats and sheep ) . Im proud to say that we make all our own clothes too, Id never buy these and never will.

Yes it does take a little time away from my job as the CEO of a multi national company, but I like to set my kids a good example. Most parents are just too selfish or perhaps they just don’t love their children as much as I do

This is the worst time. Both exh and I worked full time in the office when ours were small and it was brutal. We ended up getting divorced and I'm sure this was a part of the reason why!

Would a part time nanny be cheaper than nursery? I'm not sure what the salaries are like now. At the time it was cheaper for us than 2 full time nursery fees but times might have changed.

Get as much outside help as you can reasonably afford. Having the house cleaned once a week was so good for my mental health. I don't know if you could afford something like that.

I sympathise OP, we're in a very similar position!

Both work full time Monday-Friday, both in high pressure jobs and it feels impossible to keep on top of it all! Ours are 1 and just turned 4

Ultimately a ball or two gets dropped here. Usually keeping on top of the house work (looks like a bomb has hit it 90% of the time) but the kids are fed and clean, and happy which is the main thing. I don't often watch much tv now either because I'm in bed stupidly early (always a guessing game as to whether the kids will sleep)

I'm just thinking to myself that it's the trenches and it will get better! I'm really looking forward to saving on nursery fees when the eldest starts school next month. Doesn't mean juggling time will be easier with one at nursery and one at school.

I don't have much advice, I guess we just roll with the punches right now!

It's tough, but there are things you can change to make it easier.

Eat with the children, so not preparing two meals.
Do the kids have to be bathed every night?? A strip wash is sufficient and quick.
Can you stay over in London on your work day? Saves travelling costs for you too and gives you a night off.
Get the kids down earlier, even if they're not sleeping.
Can DH just do football every other Monday?

Definitely reduce cooking. Eat the same as the children, even if you have it later. Don't feel it has to be hot either! If your cooking chicken ,do 3 portions. Eat one, freeze one, one for sandwhiches the next day. When you're in the kitchen anyway, is there anything else you can make in advance? So we tend to have sausages on a sunday evening, so tomorrow ill do twice as much veg and stick half in the fridge, but I'll also do the bolognaise for Monday so all I need to do is boil the kettle and 4 minutes later the quick cook pasta is done and the rest is warmed through. Think about which areyour busiest nights and thinkhow you could make dinner straightforward. Slow cookers are also handy for this sort of thing, you set up tomorrow's dinner in the bigpot while you are doing tonight's, shove it in the fridge then it goes in the Warmer to cook the next day so its rest to serve when you get back.

Which housework tasks are your worst bugbears? That's where you most need to cut corners!

Others have said it... DH needs t pull his weight when he is there. Mornings do NOT sound equitable at the moment. If you are feeding baby, he should be dressing toddler or similar. You're probably doing it because you're better at it as you've always done it. That way madness lies....

It will also just get easier. One day they will both sleep through, dress themselves and help lay breakfast. You'll get through it.

Oh, and drop housework standards! It's NEVER worth trying to keep a house properly clean and tidy with small kids.

Op, you seem to be avoiding questions which clarify whether or not you work full time?

4 days a week is not full time unless you are doing compressed hours. Many people who work 5 days a week would love an extra day at home during the week!!

It is tough.
It’s really really tough.

But you don’t work full time. By your own opening post you only work 4 days a week.
So why can’t you get lots of the stuff you’re doing on the evening / weekend done in that day?

So why can’t you get lots of the stuff you’re doing on the evening / weekend done in that day?

I imagine because she is looking after a 3 year old and a 1 year old.

When I had kids that age, I counted it as a win if the house was the same level at the end of the day

It's really hard - the only couple I know who were doing this with no family childcare help ended up moving to be nearer one of their parents.
Everyone I know either has one parent working part time or regular grandparent help or often both.
We have struggled at times even though I've only ever been part time because we have no family near enough to help.
Sorry if that sounds negative, it's meant to say that there's no magic solution you have missed which makes it all easier, it is really hard.
It does get easier though - mine are primary age now and it's much easier to get basic household jobs done around them now rather than having to wait until they're asleep.
Although childcare is more complicated once they're at school than when they're nursery age (sorry again not meant to be negative).
I really wish there was more acknowledgement that it just is really difficult without local grandparents. There seems almost a view that if you're finding it difficult you just need to be a bit more organized... It's really not that simple.

And yes of course you're not going to get many jobs done with a 1 and 3 year old around (unless they both happen to nap at the same time). Also the house will probably end up twice as messy on that day as on the other days so no net gains in terms of keeping on top of things.

With 2 small children? Are you feeling okay?

I’d try an arrangement where on the night you’re home late the parent who is at home washes up/does a quick tidy so you know on the day you are late back you can just relax.
Other things that used to help were slow cooker or meals could eat quickly, long bath times to play and enjoy being with the children. Outfits sorted at the weekend or one night in the week so you’re ready with clothes.
Something lovely for the Friday like a nice coffee, a rule you tidy up for one hour then just enjoy being with your children.

I did this, 2 kids we both worked full time out of the house, with dh doing a long commute so all drop offs and pick ups fell to me.
Never have I felt so tired, it was relentless from 6am to 8pm every day.
If I had to do it again, I would get a cleaner and do a monthly countdown to school

One of my friends was in this situation (both working full time), and one thing they did that she swore was a life saver, was take it in turns at the weekend so that one parent gets the morning off on one day, and the other parent gets the morning off on the next day. Whether it is just to stay in bed for a morning, or to get up and do hobbies or whatever, it was a morning without responsibility / childcare. Not sure if this has been mentioned before, as not read full thread, sorry!

Pay a nanny to come to your house? Might be more expensive than nursery but she would do everything

My husband and I both work full time in London, him commuting 4-5 days per week and I'm in the office 2-3 days per week. We have a 2yo and a 4yo.

We're able to make it work by:

• nursery 5 days per week
• cleaner once a week
• after school nanny three days a week when I'm in the office who picks up the kids, feeds them and bathes them so I don't have to panic about getting home in time; she also tidies and does laundry, so I can do bedtime and then come down and relax in a tidy space
• my work is incredibly understanding and flexible if a kid is sick, needs to go to the doctor, etc.

We're essentially throwing money at it. I earn a pretty good salary but after all the above it's nearly gone. But I simply don't want to be a SAHM (not a knock on those who are, just not for me!), and we figure this is what we need to do to get through the hardest few years and maintain our earning power and good pensions (and sanity as I want to work).

Good luck - it's extremely tough, but this period doesn't last forever (or so I'm told).

Ahh @NewtothisFBK4921 I feel you a lot on this. I work 5 days over 4, and my DH also works full time but tues- sat and it feels like we're on a hamster wheel that doesn't ever stop.

It's actually so bad I'm signed off work at the moment so no advice here, but just to say you're not alone in the struggles

We both work full time in very intense jobs.

Kids are 3 and 1 too so very similar.

Things that have helped are a weekly cleaner, food shop being delivered, batch cooking, eating our meals with the kids at 6pm, we have a food meal plan that we run through. It’s so simple and boring but means I’m not thinking about what to eat or cooking every night. I tend to batch cook two curries and a pasta dish for the week. It’s like curry on Monday, curry on Tuesday, pasta on Wednesday, Thursdays we’ll have roast chicken or something, Fridays is always dish and chips, Saturdays burgers and Sundays is a takeaway.

DS is in bed by 7pm, I will workout with DD colouring and playing until she’s ready for bed. Hard to concentrate but at least I’m getting it in.

I finish at 5ish, walk down to the nursery and we’re home for 6ish. In that time DH will have their bed time stuff ready and food ready for us to eat.

Kids don’t bath everyday - shower them down for a quick scrub.

Only way we’re making it work is because my commute is 20 mins so 8-9 I will solidly work on the house (washing on, washing away, quick clean, bed sheets etc., shower, eat breakfast etc. )… That being said, some weeks I’m in London once a week and that throws things off and I end up getting up a bit earlier to make sure the house bits are sorted.

We rarely have full on weekends as this means our week will be disrupted. We tend to spend one day doing an activity - so today we were at the zoo until 3pm but we got back and ran errands until 6ish. We’re always on the go. Everything is planned and we always have to think what can I do to make sure tomorrow is easier.

Sunday evening, I start my batch cooking. DH will take kids up for bath time and bedtime and I’ll crack on. Saturday evenings I prep more food. It’s just splitting up and getting as much stuff done as possible.

Often, I’ll take the kids to my parents house. They live an hour away but in that time DH will clean or batch cook or prep stuff so I can cook when I get home.

But once DD is down for 8ish I’m back online and working until late. It’s crazy and think it’ll get harder when she gets to school tbh but guess we’ll see how it is.

It’s a military operation right now but I love my job and don’t want to stop working. I’m always tired and finding time to get everything done is a challenge but we’re doing our best.

Could you swap the childcare arrangement for a live in nanny or au pair? Would make mornings and evenings a whole lot less stressful

Sorry Op, I read my message back this morning and realise it comes across as inflammatory, apologies for that.

Regardless of whether you are 4 days or full time, it is tough! Appreciate many people who are part time are often 2/3 days a week so 4 feels more FT in comparison.

Apologies.

Can he go to 4 days? Have I missed that? Then you only need to get them out the house 3 days a week and he can share some of the mental load

We're in a similar boat, although we only have one 2-year-old. My husband is out 1 night on a late shift and 1 playing sport but does the early shift 4 mornings a week so I have every drop off and it's always roulette as to how the morning will go! But I also have 1 night playing sport, it's absolutely essential for both of us to have that evening off so I wouldn't take that away from him. Can you have Friday nights off? I also echo pp saying to take a morning each at the weekend. We've booked two activities on weekend mornings and we take one each so the other can stay in bed, potter around the house etc.

We can't afford a cleaner as I'm down to 4 days in work so it's a case of doing what we can, when we can. My husband does the majority of the laundry at the weekend and tips away at it during the week. I spend Monday evenings meal prepping for the week and it's done then. Check out The Batch Lady, she has great suggestions for 'dump bags', where you put all the ingredients for a slow cooker meal into a freezer bag then you just defrost and chuck into the slow cooker.

Can your children have breakfast at nursery? Can you prep overnight oats for yourself for the morning and eat when you're back from the school run?

@Janedoelondon and many other posters, you know you can work full time, and also only work 2-3 days per week? Not all roles are 9-5 Monday to Friday!