Son almost died, how to process?

[WhereverElse2019]

Hi all. So my 2 year old DS has just got out of hospital after becoming seriously unwell with paraflu and severe croup. He went into respiratory distress in my arms, had to be whisked off to theatre to be sedated and intubated, and was then transferred to another hospital via blue lights and sirens.

He spent 3 days in the PICU on a ventilator and another 2 days on the children's ward before being sent home. He's doing amazingly well and has almost fully recovered, but I am an anxious mess. I actually feel worse now he's home than I did when he was in hospital. At least in hospital he was hooked up to machines and monitors that would alarm if anything went wrong, there were doctors and nurses nearby.... now we're essentially on our own I'm so terrified even though logically I know he's fine. He's currently tucked up in bed and I'm having to resist going in and constantly check on him. I suppose I was in survival mode when he was in hospital, now the adrenaline has worn off it's really hit me what's happened.

It's exactly a week today that he first becams poorly. I feel guilt because I ummed and ahhed a bit before calling 111 as he seemed okay, just had a bit of a wheezy/noisy chest and a cough. But within a few hours he was in PICU.

I did talk to a family liason nurse when DS was in PICU and she was really good, signposted DH and I to counselling/therapy services but I haven't yet looked into it.

Don't feel bad about checking him. What you went through was scary. It will take a long time to lose the anxiety and realise everything is OK.

Agree, you're going to be in a period of real worry and it will take some time to come down from that.

Hopefully your boy will go from strength to strength and be right as rain - but now you know what you can handle if it does happen again.

What an awful experience, you've been through every parents worse nightmare. Don't feel guilty about any of this, you saved his life. You got him the support he needed and he's home and on the mend. He's lucky to have you loving him so much. Be gentle on yourself OP, talk it through with family and friends.

This is so recent you are still in ‘shock’ really, trying to process it all. This will take time and you will naturally feel anxious at times. Sorry to hear this happened to you it must have been so worrying for you.

It is probably a bit soon for ‘proper’ therapy/counselling. Try and rest and recover as much as you can, look after yourself in the same way you would if you had been physically unwell.

I’m so sorry OP. It’s so hard. Well done for doing what you did.

look it’s not the option for everyone but after mine was unwell I brought them into my bed until they recuperated to the point of being annoying. It was the only way we both slept well and I could ease the anxiety 😟

What about if you planned a way to wean yourself off checking him?

So, however often you want for night one, and work out how frequently that is. Then night two cut it down so you spread them out maybe 25% further or 50% further if you can manage it, so once every half an hour becomes once every 45 minutes, or once an hour becomes once every 90 minutes. Then do the same again the next day etc?

Does he still have a baby monitor/do you have one in the cupboard/loft you could get back out if that might reassure you?

Definitely look into counselling. Also just be really gentle with yourself. Try to find some quiet time. And accept it will take time.

I have been through similar and it left me in quite a mess for a while. Like you, i was shocked how quickly my son went from "fine with a bit of a cough" to "in ICU and covered in wires"

In all honesty I think I shared a bed with my son for quite a while after that. And similarly when he had anaphylaxis.

I think your instinct to want to be with him is normal and not something you should have to fight against. It's fine to go and check, and then to gradually reduce the checks.

I almost lost my dd aged 9 to appendicitis. I took her to the GP 3 times in a week, each time told it’s just a virus. Even when the appendix burst they didn’t believe it was that and sent us off to hospital to get checked over as a precaution. Hospital didn’t really take it seriously either. Kept her in overnight for observation, sent her for a tummy scan the following day, then within 30 minutes she was whisked down to surgery. Her appendix had an abscess, burst, and was infected. Surgeon said afterwards “she’s a lucky girl, 3 more hours and she wouldn’t have been here”. I was very 🤨- all you medical people are very lucky, if she had died it would have been on them. So I did everything I could for dd in that week but no one listened - so please don’t beat yourself up that you didn’t do enough.

Dd recovered very well, I however, did not. I can honestly say even more than a year later I was still affected by it, in a PTSD kind of way. I didn’t go to the GP but I really should have. With either medication or talking therapy I could have recovered from it quicker than I did. You will get there OP, it just takes time.

Why don’t you set up a single bed (a camp bed maybe) in his room so you can sleep there for a bit? A few days or a few months. It doesn’t really matter if it helps you all to cope relax enough to sleep. Then you’ll hear if he coughs and he’ll hear your breathing as he sleeps. Take turns with your DH so you get nights off too.
And maybe you’re ready to call those counseling services?

No practical advice but just to say I cant imagine how horrific that must have been for you OP so right now I think do what you need to do to reassure yourself he is fully on the mend. You need time to process this so don't worry about having to feel / act a certain way by a certain time. Heal together

Honestly don’t feel bad. These things happen. When my dd was 13 months, I thought she had a cold. She was very irritable for the day and it’s wouldn’t settle. We left her with a babysitter so we could go to the fair for the evening and came home to a child who was inconsolable. Out of desperation we rang an ambulance because we really didn’t know what to do. They took her to A&E because she started sucking her breaths in rather than breathing and we discovered during an x-ray one lung was completely clouded and her second was 3/4 clouded. She had severe bronchitis and needed an IV tube in her foot to administer antibiotics as well as needed oxygen. She was in hospital for a week. I felt awful because I had dismissed it so easily. She’s 11 now and apart from a touch of asthma, she’s perfectly healthy.

I'm so sorry - poor you :(

Sorry for such an awful experience.

I know this sounds mad but there is some reasonable evidence that playing Tetris shortly after a trauma can aid processing and reduce trauma symptoms.

Maybe try playing it every night before bed?

Talk through what happened with lots of people. Maybe write down an account of it step by step, this can help processing too. Include and validate all the feelings and thoughts you had but make sure you get to the end of the account where everything turned out ok too.

How frightening - kids can become very unwell with croup so fast even though 99/100 they are absolutely fine. Please don't blame yourself, you couldn't have anticipated this.

I wonder if you can reframe this from a near death incident? Instead, he needed an intensive treatment, and he received it. Things went as planned, and he recovered fully, as was (I'm assuming but my assumption is based on my experience) expected by the medical team looking after him?

Please continue to talk to others and make use of the resources that are available you. It's a lot to process, your feelings are valid.

Hi OP, glad to hear your DS is getting better and home - the hospital would have been confident they are doing well to plan the discharge . As others have said , give yourself time and lots of compassion. When my ds experienced similar poor health including picu admission we ended up back in a&e for lots of ‘false alarms’ and the staff were very understanding, looking back it was def more my anxiety than his health - but don’t regret getting extra checks when needed . In my day job ( supporting people after traumatic experiences ) we say give yourself a whole
month to process - and that will include feeling jumpy/ tearful / anxious . If you are still feeling very overwhelmed after a month def reach out to you GP. But cliched as it sounds , time
really does heal. take care .

I understand exactly how you feel - my baby was rushed to hospital because he stopped breathing and I was afraid to go to sleep for a while after that. He was absolutely fine and is now an adult. The hospital gave us a monitor to put in the bed with him that would alarm if he did stop breathing but they emphasised that it was for our peace of mind, not because they were worried about him.

It's just a terrible shock and it will dissipate with time. These things come out of the blue. I would put a monitor on while you are not in the room with him just so that you can hear him and worry less.

I can't imagine how awful this must have been for you.

Why don't you put a spare bed or matress in his room and stay in there to give you peace of mind for a few nights? There's nothing quite so comforting as being close to your child when they're poorly

I hope your son is making a quick recovery. Towards the end of 2020 my then 3 year old developed pneumonia, which essentially caused necrosis of her lung, with a large hole requiring a chest drain. She was also blue lighted from our local hospital to a PICU in London. We were dismissed multiple times by GPs, and A&E a couple of days before I took her in again. When they xrayed her chest, her trachea had shifted so far over it was beginning to compress her heart. If I hadn’t have taken her in again that night, she would have been dead by the morning.
She was home after 4 weeks of wonderful care in the Royal Brompton. I slept on an airbed on her floor for about 2 months after she came home. She’s 7 now and absolutely fine, but I think about it every single day.

I was diagnosed with ptsd after witnessing my ds in nicu for a long time. Please look after yourself

@WhereverElse2019
I hope in some small way the others who have shared similar have reassured you. And I wish you all the best as you process the coming days and weeks. There has been such kindness on this thread it is quite emotional really x

Definitely get counselling. This is a horrible thing to go through, but you don't want to get sucked into a cycle of smothering your son and overprotecting him. It won't make you feel better, just a temporary relief and then anxiety again. You need help to process what you have had to witness.

That sounds terrifying! So glad he is on the mend. Counseling is definitely worthwhile.

My youngest DC almost choked when she was just 2. The stress of these sorts of experiences can stay with us for years.

I was in and out of hospitals from the age of 1, due to very severe asthma attacks. It stays with you and you do what you can do. Fear cannot help

Sending lots of love to you and your son OP 💕 not going to lie in this situation I’d 100% get little one in bed with me, do whatever feels natural and makes you feel less anxious, lots of mummy cuddles and love x