Son almost died, how to process?

[WhereverElse2019]

Hi all. So my 2 year old DS has just got out of hospital after becoming seriously unwell with paraflu and severe croup. He went into respiratory distress in my arms, had to be whisked off to theatre to be sedated and intubated, and was then transferred to another hospital via blue lights and sirens.

He spent 3 days in the PICU on a ventilator and another 2 days on the children's ward before being sent home. He's doing amazingly well and has almost fully recovered, but I am an anxious mess. I actually feel worse now he's home than I did when he was in hospital. At least in hospital he was hooked up to machines and monitors that would alarm if anything went wrong, there were doctors and nurses nearby.... now we're essentially on our own I'm so terrified even though logically I know he's fine. He's currently tucked up in bed and I'm having to resist going in and constantly check on him. I suppose I was in survival mode when he was in hospital, now the adrenaline has worn off it's really hit me what's happened.

It's exactly a week today that he first becams poorly. I feel guilt because I ummed and ahhed a bit before calling 111 as he seemed okay, just had a bit of a wheezy/noisy chest and a cough. But within a few hours he was in PICU.

I did talk to a family liason nurse when DS was in PICU and she was really good, signposted DH and I to counselling/therapy services but I haven't yet looked into it.

My brother nearly died (encephalitis) when he was 7, he’s nearly 33 now and my mum is still a bit traumatised by the whole thing, so I think it’s only natural. She did not do any therapy however, and I do think that is an important step (but maybe not immediately when you’re still trying to come back down to earth). At this point allow your body to process the shock, a bit like you’ve been in a car accident, and then see where you are. Best of luck to you all xx

What an absolutely harrowing experience for you 😢 I'm not surprised you're traumatised, I'm sure what you're feeling is very normal. I would definitely take up the counselling and go and see your GP too. Don't beat yourself up about feeling hypervigilant, that's only to be expected. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time 💐

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this. It’s still really raw so please be kind to yourself and don’t let yourself or other people judge your reactions. My daughter had a really bad year aged two with alternating episodes of febrile seizures and anaphylaxis. The first seizure she had she turned blue and stopped moving and I was holding her and thought we had lost her. It took a long while for the shock to wear off and then for the anxiety to reduce. After the second seizure I bought an owlet monitor so I could sleep, it really helped bring peace of mind and now it’s over two years later and she is much more robust and a really healthy child so I don’t feel the need to use it anymore unless she is unwell. Time really really helps, and talking to a therapist. I found it could be unhelpful talking to others sometimes as unless they had been through that experience of feeling like you’d lost your child they couldn’t fully understand my reactions and I would feel like they were judging me and it was often suggested, that I was overreacting, which was very unhelpful.

You poor thing. Perfectly normal for it to hit you now. When everything is happening it's like your trying to keep up to date and he is surrounded by professionals. When you come home your thoughts come crashing in.

My son was 19 days old when we had our incident. He was in hospital for three weeks. Like you when he came home I felt worse. The what ifs and the fear of him taking a turn. I don't think I slept properly for nearly a year.

I have access to counselling through work and found it very helpful. It will take time to process. There is delayed shock and the invincibility that we take for granted when our little ones arrive safe and sound has been torn from you.

Mind yourself.💐

I think of adrenaline and stress as an overfilled bath.

It takes time for it to fill up, and even longer for it to empty out.

Don't fight it. Let yourself process it naturally. A journal is a good idea too.

Best of luck to you and your son. x

Be gentle with yourself - you have had an awful, terrible shock and it'll take a while to process. Talking to those close to you or a counsellor about your feelings will help, give yourself time to work through it.

Croup is terrifying, the noises coming out of my son when he had it, I was a mess phoning the ambulance.
So glad your baby (yes our 2 year olds are still our babies) is better. Check as often as u need to, co-sleep if it helps, I'm probably repeating what other people have said but have you got family who can help in any way while you're going to be so sleep deprived?
Sending all the love and positive feelings in the world.

So glad your DS is doing well. My 2yr old DS was taken into hospital today - yesterday he was fine, a little wheezy when he went to bed. Today he's in hospital. It was so fast.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, you did the right thing and if you need to check on him constantly, do it. In time, you can work on how often you check in on him.

@Kirbert2 sorry to hear what a rough time you're both going through 💐💐

Sending you hugs. It is impossible to understand unless you've been there. You won't ever get over it but you will accept what happened (none of it your fault or anyone's!).

We almost lost our child several times over the space of three months. She was in the NICU, HDU then PICU for all of that time. I'll never be the same so I can't offer any advice but I can give you solidarity. It's a horrible club to be in, however, with time what I did find was a huge appreciation for life - my babies life, my own life, our family. I am grateful for everything. Take care and if you need a chat feel free to PM me x

You poor thing. My ds2 took an overdose when he was 12 and I didn't work out what was wrong with him. He started throwing up and then he said he was hot and needed to sit outside. I thought he was having a migraine. Then the school phoned and said one of the other children's parents were worried about him because he seemed suicidal and I still didn't get it. I went to talk to him and he was slipping into unconsciousness and I knew then that he was seriously ill. I didn't suspect what though. I shouted for dh and it was him who was trying to ask ds2 if he'd taken any pills. I still thought he hadn't and I felt so stupid afterwards. Although the pastoral care person from school was extremely shocked too when I phoned her back and told her what happened.

It's extremely scary when something like that happens to your child and it takes a long time to be reassured again.

One thing least most people who work with pediatric patients know that any child presenting with croup like symptoms in Summer needs immediate care. Croup is not common in the summer. It usually is acute epiglottitis. Acute epiglottitis can kill.
Feel secure that they did exactly what they were supposed to do in hospital.
But he has been treated now so feel safe.

Check on him, it’s not being over anxious to do so. You can buy devices such as Owlets that hook up to your phone to check oxygen and heart rate which can give you peace of mind.
Be gentle with yourself, it’s very early days and you are going to be feeling all sorts of emotions

My son had croup repeatedly. I learned very quickly to monitor his breathing rate, O2 level, heart rate, temperature and to watch out for laboured breathing. The nurses that we met at hospital taught me how to do this with a few cheap medical devices. We had a plan of how to treat the minute he got ill…normally ibuprofen and then we had emergency dexamethasone to take at home the minute he needed it. Now a lot of similar families are using budesonide which is less strong but apparently does a good job, but my son has grown out of these episodes. I always had a bag packed for the hospital and slept in his room if he had any symptoms. For many children croup is only a one off though. It may reduce your anxiety that you know exactly what to do if anything similar happens again.

Time.

You're not going to be able to get over this just like that. It'll take time to process the emotions, become less anxious.

There's nothing wrong with going over it in your head repeatedly, playing out alternative scenarios etc, that's just the brains way of processing whats happened.

Give it a few weeks, you should start feeling better. If you're not, then it's worth seeking out some therapy so you can talk about it with someone not involved

You don't need to resist going in to check on him.

Both you and your son have been through a traumatic event. Set up a bed in his room or have him cosleep with you. You will both get lots of reassurance from this.

Hop he gets well soon x

This was me. She’s 26 now, but I still feel sick when I think about it. Sending love, and try not to beat yourself up about it.

Mine was in PHDU at a week old after pausing breathing as I held her, and afterwards, and had various other bits and pieces. I also replayed the day leading up over and over, and second guessed everything for years. After about 10 years I got some CBT, and it really, really helped. It's only really since then that I feel I'm "over" it. She's 14 now and absolutely great.

I have 2 children with v complex needs and have nearly lost both of them a few times over the years. As you say the adrenaline keeps you going but once the crisis has passed it really hits you and you feel v shaky and on edge.
Everytime it happens I think I will never relax again but in time you do calm down .and life returns to normal so be really gentle and kind to yourself, do.whatever it takes to get through the first few weeks and it will get better I promise. So glad your little boy is well again and sending love to you and your family x

I hope your DS gets better soon.

It was fast for my DS too. He'd had a tummy bug or so I had thought (it was actually a bowel obstruction caused by his tumour) I took him to hospital because he was dehydrated which was the early hours of Sunday morning and by that Sunday evening, he was intubated and in critical condition waiting for a special hospital transfer team for very poorly children so he could be transferred to the hospital we're at now for emergency surgery and I was being told that he may not even make it to the other hospital.

Thankfully, as fast as they can get very poorly, they can also bounce back quickly too. My DS still has a way to go with his cancer treatment but other than that, he is doing so much better and his oncologist is optimistic about his treatment working.

Sorry to read this OP, so glad your son is recovering. I experienced something similar - sepsis in my 18 month old following a short illness and a stay in high dependency. I thought I handled it really well at the time and had processed it. In fact, three years later I know i really hadn’t and have quite severe health anxiety, particularly when it comes to my son. I would suggest some counselling - just a few sessions to process with someone who knows what they’re doing. Just to stop it spiralling.

That sounds like it was terrifying.

One of the hardest things about having children, I think, is coping with the fear of losing them. Especially when that fear isn't abstract but is right there in front of us.

My advice would be to be kind to yourself; this is all still very new and raw. Do what helps you cope, use what helpful coping strategies help you process this, and give yourself (and your DS) time to recover.

Definitely try and seek some counselling. Don't struggle alone with this.

I had a similar reaction after the birth of my first DC and something that really, really helped me (after suffering with PND for a very long time) was someone encouraging me to reframe it. So rather than thinking "we nearly died", trying to stop that thought in its tracks and turn it into "we had access to all the treatment and care we needed and we both made a full recovery".

I'm certain that a properly trained therapist could help you to manage these feelings and recover from your experience. Be very kind to yourself. You've had a shocker of a time.

Sending love. My toddler went into cardiac arrest last September and there are no words to explain the horror of those days. If you need to check on him repeatedly for now, do it, whatever helps you process the situation now. If the anxiety persists for the next few weeks consider counselling.

Oh how scary for you and feeling anxious is very normal. It isn't something that you will just get over and it will take time. My son stopped breathing at 12 weeks (2 days after a 12 week hospital stay in nicu/scbu) and I had to do cpr on him and he was blue lighted to hospital. He was in resus with so many people working on him whilst I just stood in the corner like a statue. I was in complete and utter shock and panic. He also needed major surgery to survive. Time will heal but counselling is also an option. Sending you big hugs and check on him as much as you feel is needed.

Go easy on yourself. What you've been through sounds horrific and is my worst nightmare. Sleep in with him until you feel more relaxed about things. Access counselling and allow yourself to feel these things. He's still so young, he would probably enjoy you sleeping in with him for a while until you relax again