Son almost died, how to process?

[WhereverElse2019]

Hi all. So my 2 year old DS has just got out of hospital after becoming seriously unwell with paraflu and severe croup. He went into respiratory distress in my arms, had to be whisked off to theatre to be sedated and intubated, and was then transferred to another hospital via blue lights and sirens.

He spent 3 days in the PICU on a ventilator and another 2 days on the children's ward before being sent home. He's doing amazingly well and has almost fully recovered, but I am an anxious mess. I actually feel worse now he's home than I did when he was in hospital. At least in hospital he was hooked up to machines and monitors that would alarm if anything went wrong, there were doctors and nurses nearby.... now we're essentially on our own I'm so terrified even though logically I know he's fine. He's currently tucked up in bed and I'm having to resist going in and constantly check on him. I suppose I was in survival mode when he was in hospital, now the adrenaline has worn off it's really hit me what's happened.

It's exactly a week today that he first becams poorly. I feel guilt because I ummed and ahhed a bit before calling 111 as he seemed okay, just had a bit of a wheezy/noisy chest and a cough. But within a few hours he was in PICU.

I did talk to a family liason nurse when DS was in PICU and she was really good, signposted DH and I to counselling/therapy services but I haven't yet looked into it.

You’ve been through one of the most traumatic experiences anyone can have. My DD was in her twenties when she nearly died, it was 14 years ago and I’m still not over it. Get some counselling, but in the meantime allow yourself to be over protective. It’s a natural reaction. Time will heal.

It is literally the first night after the hospital. There are no rules at this stage apart from doing whatever makes everyone the calmest, tonight. Check as much as you need to. One or both of you sleep in his room with him if you feel that would reassure you, or bring him into yours in a safe way.
Whatever you do tonight (or this week, or this month) is about processing this event in a way that minimises more trauma being caused all round, it does not have to set a pattern for the rest of your lives.

If you are able to, look into EMDR therapy for trauma.

I have no advice really, I can’t say it really leaves you, but you relax a bit with time (we nearly lost our son the day after he was born, I spent months panicking everytime it was quiet or he was asleep, and was constantly checking his breathing. He is nearly 2 now, I still get those paralysing moments of fear, but now they are just moments, rather than my default setting).

One thing I was told by a therapist is that by constantly checking he was breathing I was giving into the fear, she suggested that I tried not too and sat with the feeling so I could register that nothing bad actually happened that time.

I’m so sorry you and your family have been through such a traumatic experience.

I went through an almost identical experience with my dd so I know exactly what you mean.

The first night I had her home I couldn't stop crying as I think all of the panic and adrenaline suddenly got to me.

I think I probably have PTSD from the experience which was 8 years ago now. I still get flash backs and if dd starts complaining of a sore throat or feeling unwell I get very panicky.

I'm not sure it is something you get over, it's normal to feel anxious and hyper vigilant after something like this 🤷‍♀️

I'm so sorry this happened, how terribly frightening for you and your little one My DS nearly died during birth, his heart rate dropped very low (I'd been in labour for a long time) and I asked as I was wheeled into theatre whether he'd live, and they said they didn't know if he'd survive and they'd try to get him out in time.

It's absolutely traumatic and I think it's perfectly natural to want to check on him, and I think you should just do it if it makes you feel reassured. In a while, if you're still feeling that you need to check constantly and you can't rest, then maybe you might need some help to process it- but this is still so fresh and I'd just do whatever you feel you need to do right now to feel comfortable and reassured.

I had PTSD after my experience, but my psychologist told me to wait for a month after the event to have counselling/therapy (I can't remember why). BUT if you're struggling, I'd go to see your GP and ask what support is available. And it might reassure you to know that therapy can help so much, even though these feelings can be overwhelming- I was anxious to the point that I was worried that all sorts of unlikely things could happen to him (for instance, I worried that a wild animal might snatch him or I might forget to put him in the car and leave him somewhere), but therapy from a psychologist was amazingly effective and I felt a lot better surprisingly quicky.

I really hope you and your boy feel better soon, please take care of yourself.

What your feeling is completely normal and only time will help. Be kind to yourself

You are in a psot stress state. What helps is to overlay the fears and negative experiencea with affirmations that you and your son are OK and positive experiences and emotions.

I am OK. My son is OK. We had a very traumatic and difficult experience which I acknowledge and accept. I trust in myself and my decision to seek help when needed. I let go of the guilt, the blame, the what if's. I trust that when help is needed, the people around us will help. I breathe, I let go of the fear, the holding on, the reliving of what haopened, the might have been, the imagining, the worst csse scenarios. He is OK. I am OK..

Know that this is a normal response. It is OK to chexk on him, to sleep with him. Find a way to rest during the day if you are awake checking him at night. The best thing you can do for him and for you is to work through this slowly, reminding yourself that staying calm, breathing, resting and sleeping will do you both good.. ..

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens..... I simply remember my favourite things and then I don't feel so bad.

There is a lot of great advise based in neurolinguistic programming in that song!!

My sister found a few sessions of EDMR therapy very helpful after her son was run over and nearly died.

It sounds like a traumatic experience for you. I hope your DC makes a full recovery

It's completely normal to feel this way.

Not to sound like a total crank, buy my baby nearly died at birth and I checked him a lot, and no joke, even now he is 18 and I still thinking about checking on him 😧I don't....but the urge is there.

💐 we had a similar experience when DS was 2.5 years old. He's 14 and a healthy obnoxious teenager.

Go and check on him if it helps to settle your mind.
I also think that you should take the counselling on offer ASAP.
We did and were seen quickly. It's more a kind of de brief of what has happened with plenty of good advice on how to move forward.

I had a similar experience when mine was 2 weeks old. They nearly died, and ended up in intensive care on a ventilator for 3 days.

I was traumatised and it took me a long time to get over it (a few years). In my case, hospital negligence got her to that awful situation, so I had a lot of anger too about the situation.

You do get over it, eventually...

As mine grew up, I initially felt very protective over her, but that eventually changed to happiness that she survived
and was still here (and that she doesn't remember a thing about it).

I hope you and your little one are okay xx

As a piece of very practical advice, get a doctor to prescribe dexamethasone (or a similar corticosteroid) in suppository form. DD was also prone to croup and it's very traumatic because it happens so suddenly and usually in the middle of the night. The only consolation is that croup is extremely easy to treat with the correct medication and you need to have it at home.

During one of the episodes at hospital she as given oral steroids which worked very well and we asked for that same medication to be prescribed. We were reassured having that at home and felt prepared for the next episode. Unfortunately the next time she had croup she was so congested she could barely swallow the medicine and was sick immediately afterwards. We had no idea how much was absorbed and didn't dare to give a second dose in case that was too much. So that night was total chaos again.

After 2 years of dealing with croup, we finally got the advice from more experienced parents to insist on steroid suppositories. DD caught another bug earlier this year and I had the suspicion it would trigger croup again. Sure enough, she woke up hours later with a barky cough. I immediately administered the suppository and she was breathing normally within 20mins and fell asleep shortly after that. It was life-changing.

Before we figured out how to manage it effectively at home, I was a nervous wreck during cold & flu season. I would get panic attacks hearing her cough in bed thinking it might trigger another episode. Fortunately, despite it being terrifying, croup is easy to deal with and isn't related to any sinister underlying conditions. Knowing that you have the right medication to deal with it really makes a huge difference.

Be kind to yourself, don’t worry about resisting checking on him. If you want to, sleep in the same room as him for as long as you need to, you’ll all sleep better for it.

Big hugs OP. What you've been through is utterly shit.

Check on your lovely boy as often as you need to. After we nearly lost DS2 I wanted him basically on me for at least a month or so. He was only teeny which helped, but my memories of that time are almost like everything beyond us is behind frosted glass, if that makes sense. I was worried about that, but the doctors/nurses said needing to be that close was totally normal. Our fab consultant said this kind of thing is traumatic so if parents aren't reacting strongly then that is more worrying!

I was terrified of DS2 getting ill again but him getting a cold 2 weeks later was actually really helpful. The difference was like night and day so it helped put my mind at ease that I wouldn't miss it a second time.

Thank you @Kirbert2. They haven't been able to keep his oxygen levels at an acceptable level but hopefully he'll keep improving through the night.
My DP is with him as we don't have family willing to help so I'm at home with my 4yr old. It's awful not being able to help at all. The hospital is almost an hour away :(

That really was fast, so sorry that happened to you both. It must have been such a shock for that to happen within hours. Glad to hear the oncologist is optimistic about the treatment. I wish you both all the luck in the world for the future xx

That sounds horrific. Been in hospital a lot for respiratory issues with my kids but never that severe. I recommend, if you don’t all ready have it, Getting an Oximeter, an inhaler, antihistamines,
and not being afraid to use them. They can help with the peace of mind. I have a child that never gets over 94 oxygen bill which should automatically be hospitalised but we now appreciate it’s his baseline.
you would understandably have a trauma response to this. Look for therapy and hope that time will help. Good luck x

You're a lovely mum

OP, I understand perfectly what you've been through. My DS is now 45, but was blue-lighted to hospital, blue and unresponsive, 6 times as a young 'un. Once when we were on holiday 30 minutes from hospital, and I had him on the nebuliser by myself with only my young daughter and niece to run up the country road in the dark to direct the ambulance. Voided bowel and bladder, blue....you can tell that even now, 35 years later, I'm still traumatised. Counselling, definitely. Keep safe. Arohanui x

You’re reaction is completely normal
and expected. Like others have said, you’re in shock.
Do whatever feels right for now and keep him close to you. I’m so pleased that he is doing well.

Witnessing someone’s life being in danger is classed as trauma OP. Especially if it’s someone you love

This doesn't mean that it can’t be healed quickly.
But it’s important that you don’t soldier through this.
Follow up on the counselling contacts you’ve been given.
Speak to a friend or call a helpline like the Samaritans.
You may be able to request a meeting with one of the doctors in the hospital so you can speak to them about what happened. This isn’t wasting resources btw it’s a way to process through it for you and will prevent you from spiralling into anxious feelings. This is available for traumatic births at our hospital.
Keep sharing on here and take a breather if you can.
Be kind to yourself, look after yourself.

8 years on I’m still haunted by something similar with my child. It doesn’t leave you but it does get less intrusive.

I mean there’s no need to feel any guilt so wipe that.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to be close to your child after something like this though. Have him in your bed with you. Hug him all night. You have to heal too.

I hope your son is back to full health soon. My friend had a fatal asthma attack when I was with him a few year ago and it has really affected me. My children have had croup and other breathing issues that have resulted in hospital stays, the anxiety I feel when this happens affects me physically, I spoke to a dr about it when I was staying with my son and he said it’s completely normal after a traumatic event and to be kind to yourself X

You’re doing the right thing, writing it down on here. If you have anyone in RL who you can talk it through with also, this can help you to make sense a bit of what happened and tell the story.

When my DS was nearly 1, we were rushed to hospital with suspected sepsis and he was really poorly. I thought he was going to die. A few weeks after I called the Samaritans just to get it out; I told the story, I cried and cried.

I’m still really anxious when my kids are poorly, but I know why that is and my DH understands and we talk it through; he is the voice of reason.

Like yoy, I also didn’t realise how poorly my DS was until he was really poorly. I’ve been told since that it’s because little ones can become poorly really quickly; they can pick up really quickly too. I felt guilty for ages, but really this has eased for many reasons.

It’s also important for you to give yourself a rest too as sleep deprivation makes anxiety spiral, so do what helps you to wind down, watch a comedy, whatever it is!

You’re on high alert, of course you are, you’ve been through a hugely anxious time, but how you’re feeling now will pass.

I had flashbacks for a long time after my son had anaphylaxis. It took a little time for me to let him out of my sight again. Going back to the routine helped. I also reviewed what to watch out for and I was patient with myself.

For us the risk is always there and could strike any moment of any day. So we have to live with it.