Son almost died, how to process?

[WhereverElse2019]

Hi all. So my 2 year old DS has just got out of hospital after becoming seriously unwell with paraflu and severe croup. He went into respiratory distress in my arms, had to be whisked off to theatre to be sedated and intubated, and was then transferred to another hospital via blue lights and sirens.

He spent 3 days in the PICU on a ventilator and another 2 days on the children's ward before being sent home. He's doing amazingly well and has almost fully recovered, but I am an anxious mess. I actually feel worse now he's home than I did when he was in hospital. At least in hospital he was hooked up to machines and monitors that would alarm if anything went wrong, there were doctors and nurses nearby.... now we're essentially on our own I'm so terrified even though logically I know he's fine. He's currently tucked up in bed and I'm having to resist going in and constantly check on him. I suppose I was in survival mode when he was in hospital, now the adrenaline has worn off it's really hit me what's happened.

It's exactly a week today that he first becams poorly. I feel guilt because I ummed and ahhed a bit before calling 111 as he seemed okay, just had a bit of a wheezy/noisy chest and a cough. But within a few hours he was in PICU.

I did talk to a family liason nurse when DS was in PICU and she was really good, signposted DH and I to counselling/therapy services but I haven't yet looked into it.

My daughter was really ill at 2 as well, took me years to ‘get over it’ in the sense that I didn’t panic a bit at the slightest sniffle. Luckily she remembers nothing. I just let myself be over protective for a while, also I took her to see a doctor quite quickly any time she was ill afterwards. I don’t blame myself for that either. So take your time and don’t feel you have a time frame on this. So glad to hear your son is much better. The memory will fade in time.

My DD became very ill with pneumonia when she was 2. She just collapsed and had to be rushed to hospital. She was in for ten days and I have never been so scared in my life.
When she came out she made a speedy recovery and was just mad and happy. I on the other hand was a broken wreck.

It takes a while to get yourself back to normal. Xx

I ended up with CPTSD due to my son’s repeated hospital admissions. I coped v well in hospital, it was when I was at home afterwards that I fell apart.. it’s super normal to feel the way you do but please get some talking therapy, don’t let it build up.
I also slept with my son which helped both of us get some well needed rest..

I went through something very similar when my DD was 1. She had pneumonia and was hooked up to machines and bleeps. I thought she was going to die at hospital as she had a cardiac issue one night there. I wished I had sought counselling after as I would have a panic attack if she had a temp or a cough. I also mollycoddled her for a long time which I think now is a reason she is clingy at 5 yrs old. No advice but a handhold as I know how tough it is xx

Oh wow I'm so sorry!

I would set up a bed in his room.

It will take you awhile to process things and I do think once your home it hits you more.

If you feel like you need to check on him every little while do so, it's a completely normal response to what you've been through.
Maybe set up a mattress in his room so if you feel the urge you can sleep next to him until you feel more reassured.

Keep him with you 24-7 if you need to, totally understandable to feel so anxious after such a terrifying time

Brilliant the NHS saves lives.

Of course you will feel anxious, it's a perfectly natural reaction.
Rather than sleeping in the same room as your little dot, why not try a baby monitor. He may become anxious if you suddenly start being with him at night.
Try not to catastrophise (not easy), what ifs don't help because they didn't happen. We know kids can go from giddy to unwell in a couple of seconds, they seem to do it to test us! So you did nothing wrong.
Take care

@WhereverElse2019

Firstly, I am so sorry that you and your son have had to go through this. I have had similar with my son.

Secondly, can I recommend the Owlet sock. It works the same way as the heart rate/oxygen saturation monitors in hospital, but held on by a sock like bandage.

My DNephew at 4 months old had serious breathing problems, and the hospital just kept dismissing my DSis.

She got the Owlet that is suitable for babies and toddlers, and could constantly monitor him. Whilst he had it on, he suffered a cardiac arrest, the alarm was set off and my DSis was able to perform CPR and restart his heart. The recording of what happened was also useful to the hospital.

DNephew needed an operation, which saved his life, and is a thriving toddler now. DSis used the Owlet on him every sleep for months, and now, uses it when he has a cold/cough.

Definitely access the counselling @WhereverElse2019
I had ptsd from being very unwell and so did my DH from witnessing it, so I can’t imagine what it’s like to see your child so unwell. I also found the ICU steps board on healthunlocked.com really helpful - if you post there you are likely to find other people who have been in the same position as you, with children who were poorly.

You’re in shock my love, unsurprisingly. How you’re feeling is completely reasonable.

Be quiet and allow the adrenaline to pass out of your body. Be gentle with yourself. Xxx

I know exactly how you feel.

My 8 year old son developed sepsis back in March. His body started shutting down and he went into cardiac arrest. He was gone for 20 minutes and we almost lost him several times after that too.

Then to kick the boot in, just 2 weeks later when he was still fighting for his life, he was also diagnosed with cancer.

He was in PICU for 7 weeks and is still in hospital almost 5 months later about to start his 2nd round of chemotherapy. It's been a very rough ride and I'm still frightened that we won't be able to take him home at the end of it all.

I play the day he got very poorly, very quickly in March over and over again in my mind thinking could I have done anything differently? I think it's a very normal feeling when you go through such a trauma.

I'm still processing and it's been almost 5 months. Give yourself some time and be gentle with yourself.

Oh @Kirbert2 I’m so sorry to hear that. My very best wishes to your son.

I hope you are ok. Its been six years since my little baby nearly died and I spent a week in icu and hospital with him. I’m still not over it and I feel as though I could do to seek therapy as it is pretty obvious I am still traumatised by it. I have awful health anxiety and other issues because of it. I have no advice other than the shock will settle but please take care of yourself, it really is awful and a shock to your system. I totally sympathise with you, it’s horrendous.. huge huge hugs to you and your little one… everything will be ok xxx

Even without the really scary experience you have just been through, I often did just go and look in on my kids when they were little, once they moved into their own room - DS1 slept in a cot in our room until just before DS2 was born, then he moved into the smaller bedroom just next to ours (at about 21 months). Just before DS2 turned 2, we put up bunkbeds in that room and they shared it until a loft extension was built with a room each. Even then, DS1 (then 9) slept in DS2's larger upstairs bedroom for some time by choice before settling into his own room.

My Ds when 3 was admitted with life threatening condition - he is now 17 ..

I would say it wasn’t till I got home I realised the enormity of it . I was exhausted and it was my Gp in the end told me ( in a kind way) he needed to go back to nursery . I was so scared of him catching something else. .

be kind to yourself. do what you need to get through .

Use the counselling if it is needed it’s what it’s there for

Seek counselling. Absolutely 100%. You have experienced trauma, because you've had to watch your child be hospitalised and be seriously ill. A counsellor will unpick all those feelings, help you understand and resolve them. Your feelings are completely normal, but you need help to rationalize them.

When terrible things like this happen, your body goes into a kind of stasis to allow you to deal with the situation. It is only once things start to get better, that your body allows you to really feel your terror.
Accept that you are going to feel all the terror now that you did not feel while it was happening. Be kind to yourself. It will pass.
Most people work through this just by talking to family and friends. If you are still struggling after 12 weeks, then seek counselling. It might sound counter intuitive, but if you have counselling early on, it can make you feel worse and take longer to recover.

It will take you a while to move beyond it and that’s normal but hopefully each day and week will be easier for you.

little ones can deteriorate and bounce back so quickly- try not to replay the ‘could I have done anything different’ as most likely you couldn’t have done. I will always remember being on a ward with one of mine and another little girl was blue lighted in in a very bad way. She was bouncing around the ward a few hours later and had gone home before the evening. In that way children often recover quicker than their parents do. You have the worry, the lack of sleep, the responsibility. At 2 they just want to play once they’re well.

I’m really sorry you’ve had a rough time.

My son was in NICU and PICU for 11 months from birth. He has chronic lung disease from prematurity and long-term ventilation support and we almost lost him on a number of occasions due to sepsis and respiratory decline. I met plenty of others who have spent years of their children’s lives in hospital.

My son has been home just over a year and I promise you it will get easier. As long-term parents we often found that those who spent a short period took it the worst because it was such a shock to the system. We were used to the beeping, the ward rounds, the terminology, when to worry and when not to. For people who haven’t experienced this it must be such a daunting and terrifying experience but time will heal and you will trust when you put him to bed each night that he will be fine. At the end of the day he ended up where he needed to be because you took action. Always trust your intuition and keep this experience in the back of your mind but please don’t let the fear rule your life xx

I’m so happy for you that your baby boy is home.

And honestly, I’d probably stare at him for the rest of his life if I were in your shoes.

It’ll get easier as the days go by. Deep breaths.❤️

When my son was 7 months old he got a cold. He was coughing a bit but didn't seem too unwell. Over the course of 24h he stopped breastfeeding (he couldn't stay latched on and then would cough and puke when he did) and was breathing rapidly. We called 111 thinking it was nothing major. They dispatched an ambulance and when the paramedic arrived he called for an emergency transfer to the hospital. Blue lights over there, son ended up on a feeding tube and on high flow oxygen for almost 2 days. He's almost 4 now and I still get emotional talking about it. My husband and I were on high alert for years after with every cold he got, that often turned into wheeze or bronchiolitis. I remember those first days back home checking him every few hours, and often just sitting in his room counting his breaths and making sure he was OK.

All this to say: it is terrifying, and everything you are feeling is normal. Don't for one second hesitate to seek medical advice if you're unsure of how your child is doing. The message I got from many a&e visits was that they'd far rather see my child and it be nothing than not see a child that needed their attention. Be kind to yourself, get rest where you can, and counselling can be a big help when you are ready for it. Sending you many unmumsnetty hugs

Don't feel bad at all! You are a proper mum, you should be worried, it is the idiotic UK health system that throws patient out of hospitals far too early, it is despicable that only 7 days after the onset you are already at home, in charge of things. Shocking UK system with no paediatrics as such. I would sleep with him, if I were you, the only way you can get a good night's sleep and watch him at the same time. And run to hospital if any concerns, don't bother with GP or phone, they are useless.

I’m sorry you had to go through this. My DS had repeated croup requiring hospital admission; often by blue lighting in the middle of the night. It was made worse because my DS is mostly non verbal autistic so I can’t rely on him to explain what he’s experiencing.

With croup, I’d learn to listen for the stridor sound. It’s a classic croup sound that requires treatment. In the UK, it’s usually the steroid liquid in the first instance. It helped me to know that I needed to be ready to whisk him to A&E at the first signs of a bad croup attack and to really advocate for him.