To think DH is abusive towards the kids

[Bestmummy2]

DH is stay home dad but I think he is abusive towards the kids ages 4 and 6 yrs. Many times slaps them and shouts at them. I earn a great wage but recently stretched resources to get a 30% mortgage, so things will be a bit tight for a month or two. I pay the mortgage, bills and have a nanny to help out with kids due to aggressive behaviour. It breaks 💔 when I see the way he treats the kids, I am sure its worse when I am at work. I work long hours most of the time. 've told him to find job but doesn't want. Wants me to to get rid of the nanny but I have refused, done it before he was constantly complaining that he was going everything round the house. Told him to leave but he doesn't want to go. I would like to hear some positive experiences of stay at home dad s. Is his behaviour normal or me doing something wrong?

@Bestmummy2 by the sounds of it , your job seems to be more important to you than doing something about your kids getting abused ! You're complaining here on mumsnet ,but in real life you’re turning a blind eye to it all and letting it happen regardless . I know you know it’s wrong , but I get the impression from you, that it’s not bad enough in your eyes to do anything about it . Yuk

I will never understand why people value children having both parents under the same roof over them being safe 🤯

He needs to get a bloody job. Full time nanny can care for the kids till your back. Don't leave him alone with the kids please. Take steps go get him to leave.

@Commecicommeca26 fucking madness

You say yourself you know he slaps your kids and you're still dithering and faffing about getting cameras put up.

Your immediate priority should be to ensure your children are safeguarded NOW. Not dicking about trying to get evidence.

I obviously don't know the full story but based on what you've read here, neither of you are great parents and your children aren't safe with either of you. You know there is abuse going on and your children's safety and welfare doesn't seem to be your concern as if it was you'd be taking immediate steps to safeguard them.

Your children won't forgive you if you let this go on. I can't believe you would just stand back knowing your children are being abused and worry about your earnings.

The problem with that @Metagoths is, as the primary carer on paper, with no evidence their abusive father could end up as the main carer on his own with them.

Yes, agree. That’s why it’s important to find out what the nanny has witnessed.

It's posts like this that make me wish mums net could track down who users are, so that child protection measures could be put in place! Because I really worry that the OP isn't going to take action about this.

if The nanny has seen him abusing them she ought to have reported him already.

Just separate already!
You are staying together for the kids (insane, he's seriously abusive)? Or the £££ cost of splitting up?

You are lucky you are out of the house all day working. Your children are stuck with this arsehole.

What would you do if he slapped you?

Update! Solicitor is engaged, though as many posters indicated evidence is needed to avoid joint custody. Not much to go by from the nanny. So Camera going in next week when he is out of the house. Meanwhile, I have asked to transfer to Zürich in work for family reasons - this will be an easy way out as the kids would have to come with me due to the education fees arrangements. Unless, he miraculously finds a job to pay £'000s for schools fees.

Thank you for all the comments and bye for now.

I don't know where you are OP but if in the UK can't he enrol them in a local state school?

if you stay you will have your children telling you in 15/20 years that they wish you left from the very start.

he has physically abused your children. Leave.

Solicitor thinks can urge that would not be in their best interest, they are currently attending private school in the UK, learning foreign languages as well.

How come you haven't asked husband to leave?

Why can't they go to a state school in UK? Its free. Most UK children do.

How come you can take the children out of UK without asking the father's permission?

And loose contact with their father, their friends, other family members? and the life they know. Have they lived abroad before?

How many hours will you spend with them abroad working full time?

I agree dad has an issue but tbh I think this isn't a great solution.

Some families aren't worth keeping together

So are you getting a Swiss or British divorce?

Is your plan to move the whole family, and then get him to fuck off once the kids are enrolled in a foreign country? That might not work out. He’s going to say the kids are here.

As an aside, I do think they would be better served in the public system in ZH, certainly at this stage.

He hits and shouts at them?

I was going to berate you for not removing them from this, but was pleased to see your update.

don't understand the zurich move.
why would they have to go with you; won't he argue better for them to stay in usual school etc here, and you can continue paying their fees etc wherever you are based.
this sounds risky.
you could become the absent parent, not even in the same country.
others will know more, and advise accordingly.
your attitude does sound strange OP.
was this an arranged marriage ?

You say you asked him to leave but he refuses.

Don't ask, tell him and file for divorce.

Get proof positive first, such as cameras and records of bruising and slapping etc. That way you have him in prison and completely out of you and your children's lives.

The shit hot lawyer idea is a no brainer.

I think you need a new solicitor. Most family judges nowadays prioritise family connections, including abusive parents. You only have to read some of the divorce threads on here to notice that trend.

I also don't see how you could take the children out of the country without his permission. You have more holes in your plan than swiss cheese tbh.

As disgusting as he is at this stage he is not been found to be abusive by anyone or any authority / police / court
on the face of it he will be able to stop you removing them form this country without his permission. Your solicitor doesn’t sound very clued up.