To think DH is abusive towards the kids

[Bestmummy2]

DH is stay home dad but I think he is abusive towards the kids ages 4 and 6 yrs. Many times slaps them and shouts at them. I earn a great wage but recently stretched resources to get a 30% mortgage, so things will be a bit tight for a month or two. I pay the mortgage, bills and have a nanny to help out with kids due to aggressive behaviour. It breaks 💔 when I see the way he treats the kids, I am sure its worse when I am at work. I work long hours most of the time. 've told him to find job but doesn't want. Wants me to to get rid of the nanny but I have refused, done it before he was constantly complaining that he was going everything round the house. Told him to leave but he doesn't want to go. I would like to hear some positive experiences of stay at home dad s. Is his behaviour normal or me doing something wrong?

Good point.
This man's behaviour was pretty normal in my time, most of my peers are in therapy (or worse).
Communist fucking country, I was "lucky".
As an adult couldn't run away faster.
😐

@Bestmummy2 he's abusive either throw him out or leave but for fucks sake get him away from your children because right now they're young enough that you may be lucky enough that it hasn't yet done any serious damage to your kids. My father is a domestic abuser and I grew up listening, sometimes seeing and experiencing his abuse first hand and its done me and my sisters permanent psychological damage I've only recently been able to discuss and process it and I'm in my 30s! We lived in fear of my father and his explosive temper it was like waiting for a ticking timebomb to go off and as a result I suffered extreme bed wetting and it was over 20 years later that my psychiatrist explained to me that was because of my father and it was likely I was suffering from undiagnosed PTSD. No child should have to go through anything like that including your children.

Trust me OP you don't want to ignore this and let it continue it will damage your kids and they will resent you for not protecting them when they're older because they certainly won't forget what their father has done to them and their mother did nothing. My mother finally left and whilst it was hard and for the best the damage was done, but its better coming from a broken but safe home than living in fear and anxiety with an abusive father and a mother who did nothing. If you get rid of him you'll be doing the best thing for your kids by protecting them from an abusive bully and that's exactly what your husband is a bully who picks on defenceless children.

Are you living in a country where social norms are very different to those in the UK? Are you from a background/culture where women have fewer rights and men control the household? I think if you gave more context here, users could provide more relevant advice that could help you protect your children, as what you've described seems both alarming and unusual.

No offence but you need to wake the fuck up. Shocking.

Of course his behaviour is not okay. Your children need you to step up as a protective parent. He won't leave? Then you seek legal advice - I would be doing this anyway the best you are able to even if this is a stretch - and make him and refuse to accept any other alternative above all for your children than living free from abuse.

This with bloody jingle bells on!

@Bestmummy2 you also need to get smart install cameras and audio without him knowing speak to the nanny and find out exactly what he's like when you're not there because if she has witnessed any incidents she will have to provide a witness statement as its a safeguarding risk to your kids. You need evidence that your DH having the children unsupervised is a risk to them. The fact you work and can financially support and house your kids will go in your favour with a judge especially if you have childcare in place and sorted. Please follow all the good advice of other posters see a solicitor who specialises in abuse/DV cases. Also change the bloody locks so your H can't get in the house.

Get him the fuck out of your home. You don't need him. I'm sorry but your kids are old enough to start seeing this behaviour and understanding it to a certain extent. If my husband ever hit our child he'd be gone. It's not the 1980's anymore. As an 80's kid who got smacked it's still affecting my relationship with my dad now... Get this arsehole out IMMEDIATELY

I really don't understand this. You're willingly staying with a man who HITS your children just to keep the family together? Do you honestly think your children will thank you when they grow up for this? Unbelievable.

His behaviour is appalling but yours frankly isn't much better. Your willingly allowing your husband to assault your children and aren't doing anything about it and still dithering about whether it does them long term harm. It's concerning you need to come on the Internet to ask random people if this is normal behaviour

"Is his behaviour normal or me doing something wrong?"

Come on, this cannot be a serious question.

Your OP says he SLAPS your children.

Why TF are you allowing this to continue?

Ring the NSPCC and explain what’s been happening. Get him removed if he won’t remove himself.

Don't fool yourself in thinking staying is better for the kids. When they grow up they will hate you for this. Yes YOU.
Please leave now. Kick him out- get nanny to pick up the extra work and / or downsize of needed but get this man out of your kids lives now. He will be doing much worse physically and shouting at them aggressively when your not in sight if this is what he does in sight. Get camera to record what's going on. You got this OP ,start walking before he damages your kids for life and you stood their watching him and did nothing to help your own kids. If they can't rely on you who can they rely on?

You wanted to keep your family together…. At the expense of your children being abused? What shitty alternate universe have I stumbled into where kids being abused is the ideal family set up?!?

The children will be more damaged from being in an abusive relationship.

Get evidence- video/witnesses etc.

Sort your finances

Apply for sole custody

Will get cameras installed to gather evidence, at the moment it's his word against mine and blames me for everything. He is threatening to take the kids with him, I need strong evidence in place. I will also need to speak to solicitor as well, he thinks he would be entitled to part of my future earnings - is this correct?

@Bestmummy2

I'm not a legal expert but spousal maintenance is not common in the UK (if that's where your from) it's more likely he would be expected to pay maintenance (once he gets a job)

Definitely get legal advice

You should also consider reporting him to social services /ringing police when it happens. This will all add to evidence.

This isn't about getting back at him it's making sure your kids are protected.

He may be yes. Depends what your assets, income etc are and what happens with the kids. I get spousal maintenance from the following details, at the time - him £100k, me £10k, kids 11&9, me with main custody. Till youngest is 18 though it tapers. Mind, I didn't beat my kids up though, so once the cameras, socials and police are involved im not sure maintenance will be relevant.

Assets are split 50/50 as a starting point
That includes the marital home, savings/ pensions etc.

But he will be expected to go out and work. Maintenance is a thing of the past.

I ended up buying out my ex h. He was abusive but not physically and like your dh decided he didn’t want to work.
I bought him out. Thankfully he decided not to go for my pension and as far as I know he took the money and tried to claim benefits but couldn’t as he was above the savings threshold. He may even be working ! 😱🤣

Have a quiet word with your Nanny. Has she noticed anything ? She may be a valuable witness.
As pp say, report him to the police and they will contact social services and he will be removed.

You have a duty as a mum to protect your children. They will blame you if you don’t.
He has to go.
Preferably today.

I'm just going to say what my own mother said as an adult, having been hit several times by her dad as a child. She said 'why didn't my mother do anything about it? She knew and she did nothing.' Your children deserve better, OP.

He’ll have to pay you child maintenance once he gets a job.
I’m not sure of this but it’s possible they deduct child maintenance from Universal credit but he won’t be claiming that if he goes to jail.

If you're in the UK call the police

You need to report the abuse.

And then you need to ask him to leave and if he refuses then you need to leave with the kids.

Protect your children.

@Bestmummy2 another one adding to the chorus of protect your children. He leaves or you leave with them.
nobody is saying it’s easy. Sadly I know all too well that it isn’t. But not only is it the right thing to do it’s the only thing to do. Your children need you to step up and be the strong mother that does this. Now. I promise you they will ask you why you didn’t if you don’t and that they will blame you too if you don’t. My children thank me all the time years on for “being brave and taking them away” from what their Dad was doing. They might be children but they see and take in far more than we realise.

This is one of the worst posts I've read on here. Get your tiny children out of his life and care immediately, like today!
Disgusting to actively let him abuse your kids. Would be a dark day in hell before anyone put hands on my children let alone their father who adores them as any man who is