Not taking a child on holiday

[Trixz8913]

Hiya, I just wanted to find out other people's views and experiences. I've got a 13 year old son, who's behaviour over the last 3 years has spiralled out of control. He's constantly being rude to teachers in school, putting himself and other students in danger, searing, refusing to do work, having to be removed from lessons, has been suspended due to behaviour 10 times this past academic year.
He's also frequently exhibiting anti social behavior when he's out and about with friends. Swearing at members of the public, vandalising property, threw around a homeless person's belongings, sneaking out early hours from his father's house (we're separated) and going to the local park starting fires, vaping.
He's bought the police to my home because he was reported for continuous anti social behaviour.
And when he is at home he's quite spiteful and vindictive to his younger sisters, threatening to punch her on occasion.
I have tried every method I know of to try and get his behaviour in check, done the usual taken his phone from him, not being allowed on the console, been grounded and not been allowed out. I've also tried positive enforcement, have given him pocket money when he has behaved well, given cuddles and told him I was proud of him when he went a day without getting trouble with school, have extended his time out with friends when he's been behaving, even have a sweet shop at home where all the kids earn stars for good behavior which they use as currency when they want to buy sweets from the "shop".
The school has tried one on one coaching with him, and he's been put into a cooking class that he enjoys to help break up his time table.

My question is this, the third to last time he was suspended he was told by one of the deputy heads that he was on his last warning from the school is his behaviour didn't improve and he kept getting suspended he would be expelled from the school.
We had a holiday coming up for the summer holidays and after weeks of his behaviour spiralling I had said to him, that if he got suspended again, or had as bad a day as the last (at the time) he wouldn't be going on the holiday, and since that time he's been reported on by the police, still swearing in school,l has been not turning up for lessons, has bunked off school, has snuck out and started a gire down the park where the police and fire had to be called, has stolen things from the home and has been suspended twice since.
So I had said he's not coming on holiday due to his behaviour. Do you think this was too harsh a punishment? Everyone close to me I have asked have said no it isn't, and that they themselves have done the same thing, but I keep getting grief and horrible messages from his father who's saying that I'm being cruel by not taking him, and that I'm saying I don't love him by not taking him.
So just wanted to get the opinion of other parents non bias parents on what they would do, or have done.

Thanks

I think he need more time with you, not less. I'd take him with you. Away from these mates. Try and reconnect. I can only imagine how hard it is but as he gets more into the teen years it may be much harder to get trough to him

I don't don't think you're being too harsh. Actions have consequences. His dad sounds like he can't be bothered to parent. My warning to your son would be that his actions seem inconsequential right now, but my brother did some stupid stuff aged 15/16 and went down for a 6 month sentence (served 3 months) for throwing the first punch which resulted in a violent disorder. He sorted himself out after, and when he was 21 he had his son and turned into THE most amazing man/father/business man. He's absolutely wonderful. But America refused him entry when our whole family wanted to go to Florida. He's now 34, has 2 children, a business, he's a home owner, has had nothing on his record since teens, but America won't let him in. So he had to explain to his children that they couldn't come to Florida with us all. It was heartbreaking. If he could go back in time he absolutely would and undo it all, because it doesn't look so clever as an adult, and it didn't feel very clever sat in a cell as a teen either... I hope your son can figure it all out and live a happier life.

I think I’d leave him with his dad, but not as a punishment, but rather some respite for you and sibling(s).

My guess is that he has a behavioral disorder or is ND and can’t help this behaviour. Punishment does not work.

I'm not saying or using the excuse of a suspected neurogical reason behind his behaviour. It was more because I could not find any root cause to his behaviour so thought it'd be best for him, to make sure there wasn't one I couldn't see that might be impacted him, that's why I've gone down the neurological route.

For those asking there hasn't been any significant events during his life. No major deaths in the family, or least no relatives he's known, and this behaviour started to deteriorate about 3 years ago. This would of been 8 years After me and his father split up. 5 years after me and my new partner got together and 5 years after his sister was born.

His negativity towards his sister started fairly early on, when she was about 2 and there was quite a serious incident involving him.
I know siblings fight and argue I had 5 brothers and sisters growing up. But it's like he has no empathy for the other person, whether that's his siblings, teachers, members of the public, friends or anyone really.

I did try and get him involved with army cadets because I thought it might of helped, but he "couldn't be bothered" to go after about 4 months.

Those saying i should spend time with him, I do, I'm with the all the kids every single day, whether he's helping me cook dinner, painting his warhammer when he had it, playing games on the console or in the garden when the whether is nice.
Unfortunately I can't do more of the physically things for the last 3 years since I had back surgery and ended with nerve damage in my leg but i do as much as I'm able to.

This isn't a blame game or a back and forth with his dad, but it does seem, noticed by myself, family members, the school and the FSO that his behaviour has/does get alot worse when he is with his dad. The sneaking out and what have you doesn't happen when he's at my home, only when he's at his dad's.

His upbringing was fine to the person who asked, no domestic violence or anything like that when he was.little, but his dad left.when he was 2.
The only domestic abuse he's been privy to to my knowledge was wit his dad and his ex partner, whi h was around 3-4 years. Not that they were physically abusive to one another, but they were fairly frequent in their arguments and shouting matches, to the point where the boys have told me that dad has ended up punching a door or a wall.

My son is 13, he has an older sibling who's 15 and his younger sister is 7.

Would also like to say that after he moves in with his dad (before he got suspended) I had asked.him if he was still coming and he had said he doesn't know, didn't think so coz his dad had changed.his holiday dates so he'd be staying with him.
Wasn't till speaking to his dad I found out he would be coming, but this was before he was suspended so the consequence still stood after he went to move in with his dad

I can see both points of view here. However you‘ve said to him that if he does not improve his behaviour he can’t come on holiday and it’s vital that you stick with your word.

It sounds nasty and I don’t mean to make your son sound like a master manipulator (let’s face it kids are smarter than we think) but if you’re perceived to be weak or a pushover you will get rings run around you. Integrity is key here. Stick to your guns for the sake of your son.

The only domestic abuse he's been privy to to my knowledge was wit his dad and his ex partner, whi h was around 3-4 years. Not that they were physically abusive to one another, but they were fairly frequent in their arguments and shouting matches, to the point where the boys have told me that dad has ended up punching a door or a wall.

Well that's what he witnessed and learned. Punching things.
He needs professional input.
Maybe he is angry at his siblings still who knows.
Going on holiday or not is really not going to change how he thinks and behaves.

Go on holiday without him to get a break but do not expect this to result in changed behaviour. It won't. Whether you take him or not he is troubled and needs therapeutic environment. Maybe look at prus a good one could be best thing . He is still young there is a window of opportunity. Once he is adult or 16 you won't be able to drag him to get input.

No absolutely not would I be taking him. You and your other children need a break from him. Don't be emotionally blackmailed by that usless ex husband, he probably wants him out of his hair.
You've done an incredible job so far, now you need to get tough and protect yourself and other children. Good luck.