Beautiful daughters

[OneWorldly4]

If you have a beautiful daughter, how was her experience at school?

Was she popular? Was she unpopular? Did she get bullied because of her looks? How was she treated by her peers as she moved through school? If her experience was negative, how did you help her through it?

Interested to hear of your experiences please.

Don't most parents think their daughters are beautiful, inside and out? I've never met a mother who has said that their child is ugly or has a nasty personality. But what the OP may see as beautiful may be very different from what others perceive as beauty. I remember a mother whose daughter was in my daughter's class, who was always boasting about how beautiful, kind, and clever her daughter was. We all used to nod along to humour her, when in fact the child was very average looking, by no means very bright, and known to be very spiteful.

DD14 is regarded as beautiful (girls at school say they wish they looked like her, she is stopped on the street & at work by strangers etc). It's been good for her confidence, as she was an awkward tween.

She has a good group of friends at school, albeit has had minor jealousy issues with a couple of them ("you don't understand what it's like never to be noticed" etc). Generally her closest friends are a very tight knit group though and all very supportive of each other.

She experiences minor harassment from boys but so far thank goodness isn't getting harassed by men. I'm very direct with her about boundaries with compliments (eg drunk man at pub telling her repeatedly she's beautiful, she can tell him she's uncomfortable etc). I was averagely attractive at school but had enormous boobs and got a lot of attention from crusty men that i didn't know how to deal with, I want her to have more of a clue than I did about dealing with unwanted 'compliments'!

Bullies will pick on people for any reason at all if they think they can. It's more likely her good naturedness that is being targeted rather than her looks.

The best thing you can do is make her an all rounder and particularly get her involved in team sports team. Children who play for teams tend to have more friends particularly when they move up to high school if they throw themselves into after-school groups. More friends means less likely to be targeted by bullys.

Drama is also good for building that innate confidence whether she does shows or just recreationally.

Why?
Are you a journalist?

I think after watching friends' beautiful daughters navigate the absolute shit show that is unwanted male attention in their teens, I suddenly have a lot more sympathy for the teens I went through school with. It is endless. I'm now not surprised these girls flexed a bit in school in what was a much safer environment for them.

On which note, I think sport is really important for all girls. Teach them that their body is strong and fit and healthy, rather than focusing on how it looks. Martial arts particularly good for not focusing on looks but strength.

I'm not a journalist. 😬

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Of course, I agree with that.

I am not sitting at home talking about looks. I am asking of experiences and any difficulties people may have faced. My DD is taught to be independent, kind, hard working etc. I am very aware of making her a well rounded, kind person. She is thankfully.

The focus on her looks has been from family, friends, her own friends referring to her as 'beautiful' and 'pretty' and strangers. Although this makes me cringe at this age, she has had boys her age 'crushing' on her. Other girls (at least 2) have said X boy used to like me before you came along. This is shocking to me too that kids this age have conversations like this. I want to arm myself with tools in how to overcome situations like this. She loves sports and playing with her toys. A 'normal' 7 year old and long may that continue!

Growing up myself, I was ok looking. Not short of attention either. But I wasn't focused too much on looks. Dressing well and having a good time with friends, yes, I did that as a teen and in my 20s. But I forged a very good career and that is what I am most proud of, as well as my family, naturally.

Yes, puberty may well change her. That's fine too, she'll be loved forever.

Thanks again for sharing your viewpoints. This thread is in no way meant to trigger any negativity. Just advice and experiences.

I have two beautiful DD one quiet and academic not in with popular kids, the other is popular. Interestingly both are in friendship groups with other beautiful kids. The quieter one has definitely experienced some negativity based on her looks ( unkind online posts based on her ethnicity).
We emphasise the importance on not relying on their looks and becoming well rounded individuals. Both however are aware of what they refer to as pretty privilege.

As a parent I am very aware of the male gaze they experience especially when we are overseas. We do our best to teach them how to stay safe and to be aware.

Got to be honest OP, I was a little stunner in primary school. Golden blonde, tanned, slim, and gorgeous. It all went to shit in puberty. Brown hair by this point, horrendous acne, wonky teeth, weight gain that's never left me...

🤷🏻‍♀️

I taught a very beautiful girl. She was quite stunning. I took her on a residential when she was 9 and was disturbed by a couple of comments made by men when they saw her. I wondered how her parents felt as I'm sure they must have had similar remarks. This was back in the 90s though. Hopefully men are better educated now!

Looks change. She may develop acne beyond belief. She may stay incredibly beautiful. Beauty standards might change. But also, what some consider beautiful might not be what others do.

But I also think it’s a massive pressure to label a child as flawlessly beautiful, or beautiful to the extent you WORRY about them and how they’ll be treated. Everyone has flaws, no one is perfectly symmetrical or goddess like. Plus, people have differing opinions.

I think worrying about your child being too beautiful is a slippery slope to them treating everyone else like they are below them. Try and keep your daughter modest.

DD is 19 and she had had comments from men from age 10 or so, unfortunately its no better now

In my experience as a KS1 teacher it's more about how 'looked after' you are than how actually attractive.

Styled hair, covetable water bottle, clean clothes etc. All of that stuff.

It's glitter on your backpack rather than high cheek bones that's admired.

I had another mum tell me daughter would always be unpopular with some people as she is beautiful and I was taken aback a bit.

She isn't alway popular because she has SEN anyway.

There is a girl in her year who I guess is classically pretty but she is the most manipulative vindictive girl I have ever know.

Being a arsehole makes you unpopular whoever pretty you are. I don't know if being pretty helps those girls much.

When dd was in infants another girl was always commenting negatively on dd shoes, clothes, hair, bag and no surprise was very friendly with the pretty girl so maybe that goes against what I said before. If your obsessed with looks and clothes your going to be drawn to the glittering beautiful kids. Who knows.

What an awful post. Your poor DD. She’s only 7 and you’re seriously analysing how beautiful she is?

I agree!
How shallow.

My DD had a classmate that was absolutely stunning. She was also nice. I don't think they (her classmates) recognised how beautiful she was though, so she was treated as any other. Maybe this would have changed as she got older but she moved school before GCSEs. Maybe the teachers treated her differently? I don't know - my DD never complained about that.
My DD is pretty but not exceptional, but she does have the most beautiful auburn coloured hair and masses of it. Everyone, but everyone, comments on it. She's 'the one with the hair'. But these are all adults - again, while her (teenage) mates say it's nice or that they wish they had hair like it and they do like to style it, there's no jealousy or anything. Other than the occasional 'ginger' comment, which is not said in a derogatory way, she's just the one with good hair.
I think adults judge the looks of kids far more than they do themselves. Kids seem to judge behaviour- if someone isn't nice they aren't popular.,

I think how a beautiful girl is treated depends mainly on how they are treated at home by their parents. I have 2 teenage daughters who have some truly stunning friends. The sensible parents that have not focused on their looks but on their interests and achievements have made their daughters confident and self assured but not big headed about their looks and so they are lovely, well liked girls. The girls who have parents who focused on their appearance above anything else are shallow, self conscious girls who view life as a competition for the attention of boys and have few if any real female friends.

If you don't make a fuss of her appearance but concentrate on her personality then she'll be a lovely girl who everyone likes. From adults it's very common to compliment girls on their appearance, it really doesn't mean anything and so I'd be ready with a 'thankyou, did you know she just got pupil of the week for her kind behaviour / won a medal at swimming club / drew a beautiful card for her grandmother' to draw their attention back to her achievements (and to teach your daughter that there are other things that are more important).

When she tells you stories about the other girls saying things about boys then I'd just say 'that was a mean thing to say to you, you aren't responsible for what little Johnny does are you' then immediately move onto another subject.

My best friend in secondary school was a very beautiful girl. All the boys fancied her and quite a few girls were bitchy and jealous, especially the girls in the year above us. But she wasn't bothered by her looks or especially vain, no more than normal teenage girls! We're still friends now and she's still beautiful at 53. She has 3 absolutely stunning daughters too! I think beauty has helped her in some ways and in others it's a drawback. She hasn't had much luck with men and has been treated very badly by a few 🙁

I'm not analysing. I'm asking for experiences. You don't need to pity my DD, she's very loved and I don't spend my hours thinking about this. But thank you for your contribution.

Wonderful advice, thank you

This.

Your daughter very may well be an absolute knockout. Equally, you have ‘mum goggles’ on and of course people say nice and complimentary things about our kids and we ALL think our kids are beautiful.

Just try to retain some perspective and don’t borrow trouble. Beauty evolves and changes - the prettiest girl at school is now very average, adulthood doesn’t suit her. And the girl who was teased for being ginger with buck teeth now looks like Karen Gillen (she has honestly transformed)

My daughter is very pretty and always has been, took after her dad being all tall and blonde and Nordic. She is striking.

I don't know that it's caused her any huge problems, she's not the most popular girl in school but she's not unpopular, has a lovely little group of friends who all seem very nice and genuine. She's quite shy and reserved so I do think some people read that as her being up herself a bit, and she's had a bit of grief from other girls for that, but nothing too major. She got picked on for her height a bit between year 7 and 9 because she towered over most of the boys, but as they all had their growth spurts and outgrew her that died down. She still gets called giraffe sometimes but it seems to be more affectionate teasing from her friends now rather than the nastiness of before.

Since she turned about 13 she has noticed she gets a lot of unpleasant attention from much older men sadly, although tbh I think that's true for most teenage girls (tragically).

Just try not to make a fuss about her appearance - focus on her achievements, her skills, her abilities. Foster kindness and positive personality traits rather than focusing on the outer shell. Those are what will do her well in life. Beauty, if she's lucky enough to retain it into adulthood, can then just be a bonus.

Everyone's babies are beautiful to them.

Just navigate it as you would expect... treat your child to be respectful, teach that it's not all about looks.

Focus on her hobbies and skills and encourage her to do the same when she meets new friends and people.

I know the society we live in is very focused on looks and fitting in (very sad) but having body image issues myself from a young age.

I hope to bring my soon to be 2 girls to empower others and accept everyone for their uniqueness, but also not take any s*!

Being a parent is very scary, I do worry about the school years ahead!

Good luck OP xxx

When I was at school, girls were mostly mean and underhand to "the pretty girl" as they was her as competition, whilst the boys would be fighting for her attention. My daughter found the same in a single sex secondary school- lots and lots of belittling so that my daughter would feel inadequate in some way. And it's so ironic as so many girls/ women strive to be beautiful thinking life will be easier. Actually, it's not at all due to other people's jealousy.

Well yes, but there are some people who are just undeniably beautiful- which is what the OP meant I assume.

Classically and conventionally.