12 year old wants to go live with his dad!

[ForMerryTiger]

Hi sorry for the long post but I’m just heartbroken today and need some advice really on what the right thing to do is so please bare with….

i have 3 children, 15,13 & 12. Not all the same dads. My youngests dad was abusive to me and we separated when he was 3. He saw him in a contact centre for a few years and then it went to him having him every other weekend. His dad has been in a new relationship for many years now with 2 more children. We do not speak and contact has always gone through my sons Nan (I drop him off there on a Friday and she drops him back to me on a Sunday so I don’t have to see his dad).
my 12 YO is in the process of being diognosed with possible adhd / autism and having an ehcp at school etc as he is also massively school avoidant and barely goes to school (if I try and make him he demolishes the house and kicks and swears). His behaviour since he was 6/7 has been incredibly hard work, on the daily if you say no to something he will trash the house, call me every name under the sun, kick and hit me and it is exhausting to the point I have had multiple breakdowns because I find it incredibly hard to cope with this day in day out on my own with no other support. He is the only one out of my 3 children who sees his dad. Just to add he has also had multiple therapy sessions to go back over any trauma and to help with anger issues etc a lot of work has been put in to help him and I just feel I get nowhere.

anyway that’s an incredibly brief picture of how life is everyday but this weekend just gone he came back from his dads and before he had left I had taken away his phone for a week (but gave in to him having it back whilst at his dads but said I would need it back when he got home) when he got home I asked for the phone and all hell broke loose yet again. Screaming, throwing things down the stairs and around the house, kicking my daughter and calling us all every name under the sun. He then told me he wanted to live with his dad. I was at breaking point and in the kitchen crying because it’s got to the point recently of not feeling I can cope anymore having to deal with this behaviour day in and day out, it’s wearing me down so much. So I said to him fine I’ll message your dad and ask him if you can go there (purely thinking it was an empty threat because no way did I expect his dad’s response). His dad replied and said yes that’s fine he can come here, we will move his school and sort it all out. So within 2 hours of him being home I had taken him back over to his nans and his dad then came and collected him. By 10pm my son had messaged to say they were going out today to buy bunk beds. I cried myself to sleep last night and I can’t even think straight today because however much it got to breaking point with not knowing how I was going to cope anymore, being a single mum to very challenging children I did not imagine in the space of less than 24 hours my son would be at his dads buying bunk beds. I messaged his dad asking how he was and he just messaged back saying I need to get benefits changed over for my son so that they get them and that they would sort out moving his school. I haven’t spoken to his dad on the phone for years and years as we have never had too, but I said we need to speak to discuss everything, this is a massive thing and things need to be spoken about. And he said we don’t need to call, anything can be said over messages and that they’ll sort everything out.

part of me feels like maybe he just needs his dad now, I have tried and tried to do my best and maybe this is what he needs right now? But I also feel like part of my heart has been ripped out, thinking I will now only see my son every other weekend and half the holidays. I almost thought this would be an empty threat but less than 24 hours in and there sorting out bunk beds and schools!?

my son has always said his daddy is nice to him and so is his new girlfriend so I don’t have any fear he will come to harm. I just feel like this is a huge amount to process and I don’t know how I should be thinking or feeling right now?

sorry it’s so long but I just wanted some advice I suppose? Thankyou for reading

Send ex some child benefit for the trial month and subtract what you owe ex in child maintenance from what he owes you for the other 2.

Yanbu to be shocked how quickly things escalated but it sounds like things have been tricky at home and it’s better that he learns now than during exam years when things might be less recoverable.

God love you. This sounds really hard. Perhaps you need a wee bit of distance though to build up a loving relationship with your son again. It might be good for you all?

Are there any school options that are in between the two of you so that if it doesn't work out with dad it's not an additional burden of you either trying to get a school refuser into a school 90minutes away or trying to get him in to yet another school if it doesn't turn out to be a long term solution. Do you think a closer to 50:50 would be feasible at all?

It really sounds like you need some support to cope and your other children need you at your best too. My younger sister had a hard time in secondary school and she took it out on me and was very violent towards me. My mum actively refused to reprimand her and I was told to put up with it because it was just her "venting frustrations" I will never forgive my mum for having such disregard for my safety even when she was had me pinned to the wall by the throat. I'm not saying you are doing the same but maybe you will have the opportunity to have some breathing space and time with the other two. A preteen/teenager with school issues can suck the air out of a house. It's all consuming and a battle to face 5 days out of 7. I hope that it's short lived and he comes home x

Tell ex he doesn't qualify for disability benefits that may change his tune. I have a similar child with an abusive ex. He did used to occasionally say he wanted to live with his dad but it was always in the heat of the moment so I didn't follow it through I think maybe you should have waited till he was calm and asking if you didn't want him to go.

I then got very sick and ex had to have our son for a week. My son can mask/behave for a couple days but can't do that long term. Because it was unplanned ex wasn't off work just doing fun stuff and had to get ds ready to go to family for the day etc. The behaviour came out. My ex now refuses to have any additional contact and actually is cancelling contact more and more because ds no longer masking there. Ds never said he wants to live with dad again, he actually begs me not to send him to contact because he gets locked in rooms and things (he violently kicks off this is sort of needed for the safety of other children- however if you are good at meeting his Sen needs he doesn't kick off like that).

My ex was also very keen to get the money transférés over for ds (he gets DLA). Then he realised his the gain in DLA is no way near the loss of a salery when you have a child unable to attend school and too high need for childcare. I tell you this because I think you should enjoy the break as much as you can, recharge and focus on your other kids a bit and I bet ex will send him home when reality hits

I wonder if your ex knows how much child benefit is and that ds doesn’t like DLA so it’s up to him to sort it ? 🤔

Maybe reconsider how you punish him,

A week with no phone seems a very long time

Also try and do none confrontational punishments (age 12 they can be quite powerful)

One that I do for my child is set up a rooster account

He gets money for good behaviour and looses it for bad

I've realised that small amounts work best

So if he is naughty do not empty the account as the message will be lost and he will just get angrier

I also have Google parent installed on his phone so I can ban certain apps if he is bad but not the whole phone so I do not get arguments

When my ex left his behaviour was going down hill, but I've realised gently punishing can work wonders and avoiding confrontation

He also has autism and ADHD

This is going to sound harsh but unless you have safeguarding fears then I would roll with it. You've done this for 12 years, it's time for your Ex to step up.
I'm concerned that you say he was abusive to you though. But not enough that EOW was stopped?

I wouldn't say a word about DLA's, just transfer the child benefit and be firm that your son can't ricochet back and forth playing you off against each other. If your son and ex are doing this, then there's a minimum term like the whole of Year 7 & 8.

If he's been at his new school for 5 mins and avoiding it, then there seems little point in continuing there unless the EHCP is well down the track with the local authority and can be transferred to a new authority. The access may be better elsewhere too?

Is he in year 6 or 7? As he'll also potentially have another new school in September. If year 6, then I'd consider having a chat with the new school to ask if it's possible to trial him in a new school for a month and hold his place open?

Lastly, is his Nan going to be prepared to continue to do pick ups if he's living with your Ex? I'm assuming it's his mother? Will you be able to go back and forth?

Hiya. What does EOW mean? He was incredibly abusive to me, to the point social services were involved to safeguard the children. However although the children were witness to this (which trust me I know how damaging that has been to witness that alone) he was never violent towards them. He did have to see my son for a years in a contact centre because of this though but this then moved on to weekend visits since he was about 5 and has always been fine since, never any issues of him being abusive when he’s there and I have made sure over the years I have subtly asked this to make sure all is okay when he goes over. He’s a very stern guy, however I am incredibly soft and admittedly baby my children probably more than I should. But I don’t have concerns for his welfare I just think his dad wouldn’t put up with the behaviour he displays when he’s with me. His dad has said he never behaves like that at his (which I think could change when he’s not just the “weekend” parent anymore and is the one dealing with the school refusal and angry outbursts daily, but time willl tell on that one)

he is in year 7 (a summer baby so one of the youngest). In his previous school before he recently moved a few weeks ago his attendance was around 40%, and I have tried every possible means of helping. I have attended parenting courses, school refusal workshops, termly meetings with the school etc I too have adhd so I do understand how my sons head works and why he is refusing in a lot of ways, I used too myself as a child (although not to this extend), however however much I empathise with how he is feeling etc the daily emotionally and physicall abuse he gives me and his siblings daily has worn me down to the point over the last 3 years that I feel I have nothing more to give. It was only 4 weeks ago I had another breakdown and had to go on medication myself for my own mental health.

his nan has always been brilliant, and is happy to continue the weekend commute how we do now it’ll just be me she’s bringing him too instead of his dad so that will all stay the same.

Thankyou for everyone’s reply’s. I know I don’t know anyone personally but I have taken great comfort in all your kind and support words and advice.

This could be a good thing for you all and honestly it sounds like you need the break. It might not even get long term but don't feel guilty for letting him go

EOW= Every Other Weekend or Every Other Week depending on context

Yes I think it's time to consider your younger children more. What must it be like to be living with that raging boy who is totally out of control? When they see that you can't handle him,are exhausted and helpless, they must be very afraid because he will turn on them and there is no one to save them. They shouldn't have to live like that.

Let him go to his Dad's, let him stay there. If he acts up there he will see a different side to his Dad and his GF. He may want to come back home but don't make it too easy.
Of course it may be that he needs his father.just now. Maybe he's afraid that he can't control himself. Maybe he feels he needs stricter boundaries.

I hope it all works out for you.