Has she got an issue with SAHMs ?!

[Stillhoping1990]

So my friend from NCT is mostly great - very chatty, funny, our husbands are great friends and we live close by.
But one thing I’ve noticed is she’s made a couple of comments about stay home mums. I am myself a stay at home mum not returning to work but she will be returning to work full time in a few months.
she said she’d love to stay home - I asked her if that could be an option and she said ‘no I don’t want to sit on my bum all day - and I want to achieve things in my career.. ‘
she also made a point of saying she ‘wants to add to the pot and would never let her husband pay for everything’
These comments were clearly for the wrong audience! I’m not sure if she’s not thinking before she speaks or there’s some passive aggressive jealousy there.
However, my husband said her husband told him that she really wishes she could stay home.
Any advice on how to handle these comments in future? Or should I address them now? So far I’ve said nothing.
And has anyone else experienced anything like this too?
my decision to leave my career wasn’t an easy one, though I’m very fortunate to stay home, I’ve also given up my independence and a teaching career I worked hard at. So I am offended. But I don’t want to lose our friendship. Should I just ignore?!

Ignore the comments.

I've never understood why one person's personal choices in life had to include denigrating the choices of others.

I think she really wants to stay at home but can’t afford to and is trying to make out like she’s going back to work for far nobler reasons to make herself feel better.

It’s a her problem not a you problem so I would just let this slide for a bit. It’s really hurtful but she’s probably working it out and quite distressed about it and it’s coming out in a spiteful way.

Can’t you just say say “hey, that makes me feel a bit pants”?

This would offend me too

If she makes a comment I would address it, I couldn't sit back and have someone say I sit on my arse all day

"Well just think, going to work will give you a break.. I certainly found it easier working then being a SAHM"

She’s rude and a bitch basically. And insecure about her choices so needs to snark at others making different choices. Bin her or if that’s not possible politely distance yourself.

Also for pretty much everyone I know who was a sahm it is just a life stage you’ll be back at the coal face in a few years. If you’re a teacher it won’t exactly be difficult to restart your career they are desperate for teachers generally. So it’s really not as black and white as it seems when you have a baby and don’t go back straight away.

I and many friends had 6/7 years out we are all back working now and careers are thriving so you can have it all just not all at the same time.

She is neither rude nor a bitch. You asked her a question and she answered. Maybe she gets upset at you talking about not having to go back to work? Maybe she thinks you’re being insensitive? Given the option, I guess most mums would prefer to stay home to look after their baby rather than use childcare, but most don’t have that choice.
She’s got a point - she wants to achieve things in her career, whilst you’ve put yours on hold. She doesn’t want to rely on someone else financially whilst you’ll be completely reliant on your DH. She’s trying to put a positive spin on continuing with her career, but you’re making it all about you!
Enjoy your babies, enjoy your friendship, maybe this is a subject that you don’t discuss moving forward.

It's always an emotive subject, but I don't think you have to make a big deal about it. Everyone makes decisions for a reason, you don't need to take it personally.

If you were asked why you were being a sahm, presumably you'd have some answer in a similar vein - you don't want someone else looking sfter your baby, you want to spend time with them etc. Would you mean that passive aggressively, denigrating the choice of anyone who decided to work? Or would you just be explaining your choices?

You sound undecided and insecure about your own choices. Nothing to ‘address’. Think about whether becoming economically dependent is a good idea.

I agree with this, she gave you her reasons for not being a SAHM and you interpreted it as a criticism of you.

I had a similar situation when it came to choosing whether to send children to school during COVID. I chose to send my dc and she chose not to (both children disabled)

She did a lot of rants about selfish parents choosing to send their children to school during a pandemic. (Baring in mind most parents work)

I let it go a few times as I knew she didn't directly mean me. But she sent a long what's app rant to me and another friend. I lost my rag and basically said some people feel it's better for their child to have some normalcy , or they need a break , or they need it for work. And it's not her place to judge. She apologised and said she didn't mean me and the other friend diffused the situation.

She never did it again. And later said she regrets not sending him as he massively struggled to go back after 6 months off.

Personally I'd nip it in the bud. I'd say "well I'm a sahp are you judging me for my choice?" Unless she's got some real cheek she won't do it again.

What answer would you have been happy with? The reason she gave is the reason most women would give. It's probably just her stock answer. She probably doesn't want to discuss her financial situation with you, which is fine.

I think, looking back on it all with a bit of time-perspective, that all these parenting decisions are so huge at the time that it’s natural to want to vocalise or work-through our decisions with our immediate parenting peers. But by doing so, it can feel like criticism to others.

I am a SAHM and I don't care what other people think/say as it's what's best for our family at the moment. Your friend is just saying what she thinks (publicly) of herself staying at home so I wouldn't take it personally. It sounds like you are insecure about your choice to be at home hence you react to it as criticism.

I think it can be hard to verbalise your position on this issue without sounding critical of the other, and some of what she’s said is fair, but I don’t think the ‘sitting on my bum all day’ comment can be read as anything other than deliberately rude.

This is bonkers!

We all make different decisions to our friends and we will feel that our choices are underpinned by sound logic, but we should know to be sensitive when discussing this with someone that has made the opposite decision. This is especially true regarding emotive subjects. There is so much hatred of SAHMs on MN that a lot of the responses are influenced by this rather than objectively admitting that the friend had been unnecessarily rude to give her full, uncensored opinion.

In the past week I have spoken to different friends about sending their children to a school that I think is terrible, painting their house black which I think will be gloomy and another who was thinking of having a fifth child when in my opinion they can barely afford the four they already have. In all of these situations I took great pains to not actually offend my friends but let them know what I thought in a very delicate way. You don't have to be dishonest!

I think OP's friend has been unkind and insensitive to give her uncensored opinion and I would think if she is not usually like this then this was probably motivated by her own insecurities and desire to prove to OP she was making the right decision.

This. Sorry are you wanting her to say 'oh I am distraught at going back to work!! If only I could be as lucky as you who has the life I want! I hate my life!'?
She's doing what she feels she has to. Is she randomly bringing up as it sounds like you're instigating the discussion?

Agree how is that not rude! It’s like when parents who privately educate explain to state school parents that they do so because they “value education”. Incredibly insulting!

There are some topics you either don’t talk about or you need to speak on extremely carefully. I had it once where a couple at a wedding went on and on and on about my being a sahm (their toddler was in full time nursery). I kept trying to change the subject but no back they went on the attack. Two of them one of me. In the end I finally bit back. She started crying. Live by the sword die by the sword love.

She’s stated her thoughts about her own life/choices, and you’ve interpreted it as a judgement of you/SAHMs? Why? I see this all the time in different ways and I find it odd, someone choosing something different to you isn’t a judgement of your choice, they’re a different person. Nothing you’ve said her suggests she judges SAHMs in any way, just that she doesn’t want to be one as it’s not for her. I think this is more about your feelings than hers.

How is “I don’t want to sit on my bum all day” not rude?!

You don't say how the conversations start.

Does she randomly throw in comments like the one you mentioned in your OP? About the fact she'd love to stay at home but won't be able to? Or do other people bring it up? Because it's a weird comment to begin a conversation with.

you took it very personally, there is no need to do that, she has made her choices, you have made yours. They are different choices, so if you talk about them you are obviously going to find a difference of opinion. Nothing personal about it. Just move on if the conversation makes you uncomfortable

Exactly, the chances are that everyone that is doing something different to you is doing so because they believe it's the better thing to do. They may well have some strong, negative opinions about what you have chosen. If you want to have any friends then it's a basic social skill to learn how to navigate situations where these differences of opinions come up in discussion without offending people.

The friend could have easily said 'I really want to focus on my career and want to contribute financially to the household'. This is true and inoffensive! There is actually no need to emphasise the negative aspects of someone else's decision when you're talking directly to them and know it could offend them, in the same way OP shouldn't start saying offensive things about WOHMs in her friend's presence.

she said she’d love to stay home - I asked her if that could be an option

She said she'd love to do it but obviously isn't able to and you STILL asked if it was an option?! I think your comments invited further thoughts from her since you basically implied that she hadn't considered the idea fully so she had to give the reasons that it isn't an option for her.

The sitting on your bum all day comment was a dig, and you both know it.
I’d be a bit wary of this ‘friend’.