Has she got an issue with SAHMs ?!

[Stillhoping1990]

So my friend from NCT is mostly great - very chatty, funny, our husbands are great friends and we live close by.
But one thing I’ve noticed is she’s made a couple of comments about stay home mums. I am myself a stay at home mum not returning to work but she will be returning to work full time in a few months.
she said she’d love to stay home - I asked her if that could be an option and she said ‘no I don’t want to sit on my bum all day - and I want to achieve things in my career.. ‘
she also made a point of saying she ‘wants to add to the pot and would never let her husband pay for everything’
These comments were clearly for the wrong audience! I’m not sure if she’s not thinking before she speaks or there’s some passive aggressive jealousy there.
However, my husband said her husband told him that she really wishes she could stay home.
Any advice on how to handle these comments in future? Or should I address them now? So far I’ve said nothing.
And has anyone else experienced anything like this too?
my decision to leave my career wasn’t an easy one, though I’m very fortunate to stay home, I’ve also given up my independence and a teaching career I worked hard at. So I am offended. But I don’t want to lose our friendship. Should I just ignore?!

Thank you all for your comments so far - I really appreciate your time.
I just think she could have been more diplomatic and avoid saying things like ‘sit on your bum all day’. I am always respectful towards working mums and fully understand their reasons for going back.
I just really hope she isn’t saying these things to be spiteful and make me feel bad about my choices. Knowing that she wishes she could stay home makes me believe there’s something iffy behind her words.
I have twin babies at home and I can assure you it’s waaay harder work than teaching a class if 30 children in school. The hardest work I’ve ever done - there is absolutely no bum sitting to be had!

@Stillhoping1990 your making a narrative where there isn't one. Yes she could have phrased it better and that was insensitive. But you were also insensitive to push her into a response or justification in the first place. Just let it go and avoid the topic in future.

Sounds like she is jealous of you tbh.

Bless, do people still delude themselves with this?

The way you say things has a lot to do with how it's received.
I personally agree with her, but wouldn't say it like that. I want independence, my own money, my own career, pension and capability to cope if DH leaves me. My best friend and other people I know have been stuffed royally by their husbands when giving up their career. I also never settled into maternity leave and was looking g forward to going back to work, but that's just me!
If you're a teacher you'd be able to go back into it I'm sure at a later date, some of us don't have careers where you can do that though so have no choice.

Can you imagine how this “friend” would’ve felt if this conversation had been the other way round?

Friend: Wouldn’t you like to return to work?
OP: Oh - I just couldn’t live with the thought of my PFB being stuck in one of those awful nurseries all day….

The “sitting on my bum all day” comment is in that vein. It’s a very thinly veiled insult.

In my mind I need to be occupied and contribute to the family. Looking after babies and toddlers left me happily exhausted by the end of the day so I certainly considered myself gainfully occupied!

Started a business when dd2 started school so now gainfully occupied with that (and frankly now out earn my high earning Dh). I genuinely don’t see the moral difference between the two occupations. Both are of benefit to the family.

Exactly that.

I've had similar comments as a sahm. I get that a lot of them try to justify their choices and are stressed juggling everything so they need to sound off. Tbh I'm not open about being a sahm due to the criticism and assumptions. Mum friends often assume I'm working as I have my own limited company which I ran from home. I don't really do anything for it now but it's still running, and I will tell people that's what I do if they ask directly.

But so what? She thinks your choices are stupid. You don’t want to make the choice she has. It’s not a long-standing friendship. You only met because you had babies at the same time. She’s going back to her working life in a couple of months. You probably won’t see much of her again.

I think most of the opinions on SAHMs are driven by the fact that both sides have at least part of them that would like to be on the other.

And the reason for that is there is no good answer. I've tried them all, WOHM you often feel like you're not doing a good job in either role and missing out at home. SAHM, you have all the loss of financial independence, mental stimulation and status, even part time can be the worst of both worlds rather than the best.

She didn't push her friend into justifying her decision. I have often had discussions where friends have talked about wanting to do something that they feel they can't do. I think a good friend listens to someone that's working through this and potentially offers some solutions to the predicament. My friends have done the same for me when I have felt that there are blockers in the way of me being able to do what I want and sometimes their input and ideas have made a massive difference.

I am really flabbergasted that so many people don't think OP's friend was rude. You could characterise lots of jobs in a similar way, describing them as 'pen pushing' or being 'a bum on a seat'. Whether that is a genuinely held opinion or not, everyone should have the common decency not to express such inflammatory opinions to supposed friends in those occupations. It just boils down to being a decent person and friend!

Never, and I don’t know anyone who would prefer to be a SAHP. Being economically dependent is deeply unappealing.

She asked if it could be an option which is pushing.
If someone had stated I would love to buy clothes from Calvin Klein right I'm off to Primark you wouldn't say is it an option for you as its pretty obvious that's not in someone's budget.

It's the same thing. If she has stated that she would love to be a SAHM then in the same conversation is saying about returning to work full time it's pretty obvious that it's not within her families capabilities and asking her if it's an option is insensitive.

Exactly! If someone said that about literally any other occupation no-one would have any trouble saying that was rude.

It's also nonsense that being a SAHMs entails sitting on your bum all day. Imagine how grumpy the kids would be if you did that!

I just really hope she isn’t saying these things to be spiteful and make me feel bad about my choices. Knowing that she wishes she could stay home makes me believe there’s something iffy behind her words.

You asked if she wanted to stay home, she said she’d hate to sit on her bum all day. You now know that she wishes to stay home but can’t (after hearing third hand from your DH via her DH, so there’s a lot of nuance about the situation that could have been lost in translation). When you asked her, it’s more likely she was working through her own stuff. Unless you’ve already asked her/she’s already made it clear she would be returning to work in which case, you’re rude to keep pressing the point. If that’s the case it was probably done with some spite but because you have pressed the issue.

Also, if she can’t be a SAHM it’s likely because they need both wages. So yes, SAHM for her probably looks like sitting on her bum because she wouldn’t be able to afford to do activities out of the house.

It’ll be the fact that this woman has said she would like to stay at home instead of working but can’t afford to. No delusion in that comment.

Age also said, apparently in the same conversation, that she’d hate it.

I think the fact you have twins is pretty relevant here too. I think most families would struggle with the cost of childcare for two one-year-olds simultaneously to allow both parents to work. It’s not like you and she are considering the same choice at all, really.

Come on, just support each other. It's tough enough without people putting each other down. The great thing is that you'll both bring different perspectives to your friendship and parenting. This is just going to turn into a sahm Vs working mum thread. The reality is that neither is better, some arrangements suit some better than others. Pros and cons to both. Be kind.

I'm not sure how many people would be really as magnanimous as they say off the back of being told that their busy and fulfilling day was tantamount to being sat on their arse. Apparently you have to be a saint too, op.

I think people (mums) are much more on the defensive in the early days of parenting, around their choices to return to work, childcare, weaning, and so on. By about 5 everyone gets over it and is much nicer in understanding there are many ways to successfully parent, usually humility you are not getting it all right kicks in. Just ignore her, of course she was rude, but she's defensive. I wouldn't hang out with weirdly defensive people as friends, but it's up to you. My friends I love because they tend to be honest and reflective about their choices, but I do think that comes later in the parenting journey when you realise that bottle vs breast wasn't all that important after all!

I love the thought that being a SAHM means that you get to sit down all day. Has she ever met a toddler?

She's bitter and jealous. Anyone who makes a point of denigrating others and their lifestyle choices, and acts like THEY and THEIR life are superior, are not happy and content with their lives.

Ignore her @Stillhoping1990 She is clearly as jealous as fuck. Posters can deny it, but jealousy is nearly ALWAYS the reason for spiteful and catty comments.

I‘m sure, reflecting, I came across as your friend when I’d just had my DS.

Mums get flamed no matter what we do - staying home, working PT, or full time. All through pregnancy and maternity, I felt SO judged for going back to work (needed the money, but also I really wanted to?) So I tried to justify myself constantly - often before anything was said!

100% she’s coming across rude and it’s up to you what you do, but I’d put good money on it being her trying to feel less crap about her choice whilst talking to you. She’s probably not thinking about you at all, and wishes she could somehow do both!