Has she got an issue with SAHMs ?!

[Stillhoping1990]

So my friend from NCT is mostly great - very chatty, funny, our husbands are great friends and we live close by.
But one thing I’ve noticed is she’s made a couple of comments about stay home mums. I am myself a stay at home mum not returning to work but she will be returning to work full time in a few months.
she said she’d love to stay home - I asked her if that could be an option and she said ‘no I don’t want to sit on my bum all day - and I want to achieve things in my career.. ‘
she also made a point of saying she ‘wants to add to the pot and would never let her husband pay for everything’
These comments were clearly for the wrong audience! I’m not sure if she’s not thinking before she speaks or there’s some passive aggressive jealousy there.
However, my husband said her husband told him that she really wishes she could stay home.
Any advice on how to handle these comments in future? Or should I address them now? So far I’ve said nothing.
And has anyone else experienced anything like this too?
my decision to leave my career wasn’t an easy one, though I’m very fortunate to stay home, I’ve also given up my independence and a teaching career I worked hard at. So I am offended. But I don’t want to lose our friendship. Should I just ignore?!

100% correct @Whataweirdsituation Mums get flamed no matter what they do. I do see SAHMs attacked a lot more than working mums though. Especially on Mumsnet.

Do people really believe that working mums would rather stay at home? That’s not my experience of working women at all. Anyway, I think whatever is said about the reasons for returning to work, it will be interpreted as an insult to stay at home parents.
Best just to say you’re going back to work ( or taking a few years out to stay at home) and leave it at that. No one needs to justify their reasons.

I couldn't be friends with someone like this. And as soon as people act like this, I back off from them.
I prefer friends who say "I'm gutted to not be staying at home, and I'm sad, can we talk about it?" Then I'm there for my friend. If a "friend" needs to make you feel shite for your choices because they are insecure / jealous, they are a child and not a real friend.

I agree with your friend

I don’t want to sit on my bum all day - and I want to achieve things in my career..
she also made a point of saying she ‘wants to add to the pot and would never let her husband pay for everything

100% but that doesn't mean I have anything against SAHPs.

It doesn't mean she does either.

You asked her for she'd like to SAHPs and she gave you an answer about why she doesn't.

It's fine for you to have different outlooks.

I've only read the OP and not subsequent comments but it sounds as though neither of you are really at ease with your choices. She is clumsily trying to find the positives in going back to work when she doesn't really want to. You are maybe a bit sensitive to being seen as lazy.

Just ignore the comments.

While her reasons to work are probably true for her, the reality is she has no choice but to work, even though she wants to. Being a SAHM is a luxury many can't afford, and she is possibly feeling a little jealous, or is struggling with her load and wishing she had the option.

To flip it, hearing about the lifestyle of SAHMs, particularly those who think mums should spend the early years with their kids, when you work FT is tough. Generally people work for money (not just that, but you get the point), so some don't really have a choice.

It's not a competition, don't compare lifestyles, they're too different. There are pros and cons for both.
Raise eachother up, or don't be friends anymore. That's a choice too.

I think if you were secure in your decision to be a SAHM you'd not worry about this, you'd just get on living your life the way you wanted.

I WOTH and when people made negative comments about it I just smiled sweetly and said I'm glad I had the option to work after having kids because it wouldn't suit me to be at home with them all the time and it's great for the kids to have days with DH to build their bond (we both worked PT when the DC were small).

Not all sahms are economically dependent. I was shrewd enough to amass enough capital to be financially independent, and I'm not the only one of my peers to have done this.

But the vast majority are.

Even if she is temporarily economically dependent so what? They are saving paying any astronomical nursery fees.

Hardly a risk anyway as op is a a qualified teacher - one phone call she would have a job - massive teacher shortage. My sister was repeatedly head hunted when she was a sahm former teacher.

I agree with this - I think asking if it could be an option was the mistake here. If she's an otherwise lovely friend I'd definitely try to let this one go

You asked for that reaction and comment to be honest. Next time take the hint and know when to change the subject.

Agree with the other posters who said you asked for that - you asked, she answered. You’re both making choices that work for your circumstances. Just make sure your ongoing pension contributions are factored into your household expenses while you’re not working.

I was a SAHM for 2-3 years when my daughters were babies/toddlers and then went back to work part time. Childcare for two was just too expensive so financially it made no sense to go back until the eldest was in nursery. I would take exception to anyone telling me SAHMs sit on their bums all day and are lazy but 8 would let the rest go. Most of us manage to pick up a career again although depending on how much support you have sometimes compromises have to be made. As long as you and your husband are both on the same page it is no one else's business. She sounds like she is judging but maybe she is jealous. Just ignore.

Sounds like neither of you are particularly at ease or that happy with your situations and are offending each other as a result.

I would say don't ask a question you might not like the answer to. Having said that, saying sitting on your bum is a bit mean.
Most of us had no choice but to go back to work, and faced comments such as "someone else is raising your child" so she might be throwing a comment back in defence if she had this experience.
Whatever you do as a parent you feel judged.
My sils packed up work completely when their dc came along, and seem to wile away the days visiting relatives, shopping, lunching, going to the gym, keeping perfect homes. On the other hand they rely on their husbands entirely for income.

This! With bells on.

She's going to have thought long and hard about whether it's "an option" and it's likely her heart is breaking over it if she and her husband have both said she would love it. Maybe I'm just projecting but it did my head in after I had DD and everyone asked me like I hadn't assessed it all and tried everything but working full time was the only option.

When we have to do something we don't want to do, we often make it out like it's our choice. She probably couldn't give a fuck about adding to the pot but knows it's the right thing to do and makes for an excuse. She'll make out working is so much fun and will be great in the long run. Maybe it will but as her friend, support her! This could be a terrible time.

Her comments aren't about you but you've prodded so they feel that way. She needs to be equally as careful of you as you do, her.