Has she got an issue with SAHMs ?!

[Stillhoping1990]

So my friend from NCT is mostly great - very chatty, funny, our husbands are great friends and we live close by.
But one thing I’ve noticed is she’s made a couple of comments about stay home mums. I am myself a stay at home mum not returning to work but she will be returning to work full time in a few months.
she said she’d love to stay home - I asked her if that could be an option and she said ‘no I don’t want to sit on my bum all day - and I want to achieve things in my career.. ‘
she also made a point of saying she ‘wants to add to the pot and would never let her husband pay for everything’
These comments were clearly for the wrong audience! I’m not sure if she’s not thinking before she speaks or there’s some passive aggressive jealousy there.
However, my husband said her husband told him that she really wishes she could stay home.
Any advice on how to handle these comments in future? Or should I address them now? So far I’ve said nothing.
And has anyone else experienced anything like this too?
my decision to leave my career wasn’t an easy one, though I’m very fortunate to stay home, I’ve also given up my independence and a teaching career I worked hard at. So I am offended. But I don’t want to lose our friendship. Should I just ignore?!

You do have to wonder what she has been doing on maternity leave if she has just been sat on her bum the whole day? Poor baby, probably better off in childcare.

Errrrr... you asked her if it would be an option. She gave youva perfectly reasonable answer. She had been nice and said she'd love to be a SAHM. She could have said it's not for her but she validated your choice. Stop being so sensitive.

It's a bit easier as a teacher to go back to your career. Lots of jobs you can't take a few years off and come back to the same position you left on same salary. Between that and the financial imperative to work it would be insensitive to take this for granted and make a point of asking people about their choices. You risk coming across as superior.

She's being insensitive. But talking about her own life choices not yours. He career, her bum, her choice. Don't dwell on it.

Well, and teaching is also a lot more exhausting and a lot less family friendly than many jobs in termtime, so the scales will tip at a different point to than for someone who’s deciding whether to give up a job like e.g. mine, which is really flexible and facilitates family life very well. Also, the ‘sitting on my bum all day’ comment is nowhere near reasonable no matter how you dice it.

Given the husbands have mentioned she wishes she could stay at home, if you get on generally I would disregard it. Possibly when you asked if it was an option she went on the defensive rather than saying that they don't have the money/luxury in their lives for her to be able to be a SAHM. Some people have too much pride and it sounds like she chose to put down the option - might not have even been thinking about the fact she was putting down others who do it - more just putting down the thought to make it feel better to herself that it isn't available to her.

That being said I would keep off the subject of if she could do it, but comment if she makes any snide remarks again - simple 'is that really what you think about me and other stay at home mums? As it doesn't make me feel good' and go from there

If she wants to stay home but can't, she's probably just trying to come up with reasons for herself why it's better not to stay home. You're just collateral damage in that conversation with herself.

I find these types of conversations difficult because I'd enjoy being a SAHP but that's not something we can do as a family. One of the reasons we can't is to do with DH's mental health, which isn't something I necessarily want to tell acquaintances about. These decisions can involve really personal, difficult things and some people will talk about them in a very clumsy and hurtful way because of that. (I try not to, and in all honesty, I'm content with our set up so that helps.)

I'm a stay at home parent and unfortunately comment like this are really common. Hers are on the more offensive end, but the comments about how their brains would rot, they'd be sooooo bored as a stay at home parent, they need to contribute to society not sit at home etc are constant. As is the refusal to accept that actually those are pretty insulting to SAHMs. And the fact you're not allowed to respond anything that could even vaguely approach the same tone about going back to work because then you're shaming working mums 🙄

You need to be a bit more aware. She said she wanted to stay at home, but clearly she isn’t able to. Her comments to you are defensive- she’s just trying to put an acceptable spin on it. Yes, a bit snippy. But she’s envious of you.

It’s not rude to say why she doesn’t want to be a SAHM, any more than the reasons you want to be a SAHM. She might also be having mixed emotions about leaving her child but knows she does not want to be a SAHM. Or she would like to be a SAHM in a perfect world but can’t afford to or her previous experiences won’t let her. I will never be a SAHM because I do not want to be financially reliable on someone else. My mum wasn’t a SAHM but my dad left and it was her income we survived on. I’ve also known a lot of people to be widowed before 40 and the last thing I want if I’m bereaved is trying to get back into the job market. Those are my experiences though and how that has shaped my thinking that I will never be a SAHM. You don’t have those experiences to shape your thinking that way. That’s OK.

We make the best decisions we can based on our previous experiences and what is currently happening in our lives. We don’t always like the choice but that’s life. I would say the end of maternity leave is when working mums and SAHM tend to go their separate ways though because your experiences are just different. You won’t be able to relate to the constant stream of nursery bugs and juggling work. She won’t be able to relate to you not getting a break. In complaining about your own personal circumstances it often comes off as an insult. You’ll find more mum friends at play groups.

I get you OP and have had similar comments. She of course is allowed her opinions but the two of you should probably not discuss it in depth to avoid offending each other. Imagine you banging on about how much you love and care for your kids and their early years development and are glad to make the sacrifice for them. Hopefully you would not say this to her, and she should be diplomatic when speaking to you too.

There are definitely mums who would love to stay at home and really struggle to leave their babies with someone else, and they have to prepare for this by telling themselves all the good reasons to do so.

It's a very hard thing for a lot of people, but they have no choice. I try to tell myself I'm in a privileged position to be able to do it, so try not to discuss it really and just nod along and move the conversation on. As long as you are sure you are doing the right thing for you, then other people's opinions on the subject shouldn't matter too much.

What about the comments about not wanting to sit on her bum all day?

That's just out of order

I change my mind OP, I may not say anything after all. The sitting on the bum all day comment would piss me off but it is something people just say, it probably wasn't meant as anything against you. Better to be there for your friend whilst she makes the transition back to work, it's not easy leaving your baby and getting back in to it.

How could that comment not be aimed at the op? It’s like saying to a teacher “you just do it for the holidays” or to a solicitor “how can you live with yourself defending x”. It’s rude to slag off someone’s occupation- to their face!

Being a SAHP is not an ‘occupation’.

Then how come a nanny is a full time occupation? It’s the same job.

Seriously? You can’t see the difference between becoming economically inactive to look after your own child, and receiving a salary to look after a child for specified hours in someone else’s household?

Of course it is. Caring for pre schoolers is a full time occupation. If you don’t do it you pay others handsomely to do it for you.

You're reading too much into this.

I also wouldn't want to live off my husbands money. It wouldn't feel good for me and I'd be nervous a lot about family finances or what position I'd be in if it all went wrong (despite us being a solid couple) or how my pension will be less.

And whilst loads of sahp do lots of activities I'd also worry I'd end up sat on my bum all day as I may just fall into the habit of staying home! I don't think it's a dig at you or sahp it's just her worries!

End of the day, you want to be a sahp and you are going to. She said she wants to stay home but listed reasons she can't/wont. Both totally valid and fine for each individual.

If I had been asked for my occupation a few years ago as a SAHM, I would have written full time mum. It is an occupation.

Given my own recent experience where I let this type of stuff slide "for the sake of friendship" I now wish I'd shut it down straight away.

A real friend wouldn't be so thoughtless with their words and if they were it would be a one off followed by an apology for the foot in mouth moment.

Neither of you is in the right and your were both insensitive to each others situation tbh!

Whilst the sitting on bum comment is rude and not reality you did press her. Whilst this was just part of the conversation there clearly wasn't much thought behind it. If she wants to be a SAHM and is going back full time it's clearly not an option available to her for many reasons.

Just avoid the topic in future and provide stock responses like grass always seems greener or different courses for different horses in the future.

Suddenly we’re specifying pre-schoolers, are we? And childcare is now ‘handsomely paid’, rather than a low-paid, low-status job, like other care work? Or are we specifying Norland nannies as well?

You asked her a question and she gave you a (wholly legitimate) answer. Would you rather she pretended that there are no upsides to returning to work to make you feel better about your own choices? Or answer dishonestly about her reasons?

There’s no wrong or right re: returning to work or being a SAHM. I don’t care what others do. But personally I agree with your friend that I’d not like it - I love my job, want to achieve certain things with it, would feel intellectually bored doing only parenting and housework and I prefer not having to rely solely on my DH’s income even though we could manage. It’s hard work but very rewarding. I’m not suggesting being a SAHP isn’t also hard work and rewarding, but it’s very different. Do you want people to pretend otherwise?

I agree with this too.

she said she’d love to stay home - I asked her if that could be an option and she said ‘no I don’t want to sit on my bum all day - and I want to achieve things in my career.. ‘
she also made a point of saying she ‘wants to add to the pot and would never let her husband pay for everything’

You asked her a question and she responded. 🤷‍♀️ I don’t have kids so no thoughts on SAHM versus return to work but 2 out of 3 of the reasons she gave I see cited all over MN all the time in discussions about the importance of women returning to work.