Feel like I can’t do anything nice with my 6yo

[claudiawinklemansfringetrimmer]

Nothing is ever enough for her, every single thing is a drama. We went bowling this morning as a nice family treat, we were meant to go and get pizza afterwards. First it was a huff that she didn’t score a strike, then that her dad beat her at air hockey, then that she wanted McDonald’s and not pizza for lunch. We ended up going home and having sandwiches instead because of her attitude. It’s the same with everything-took her out to a cafe after school and she was cross because I wouldn’t buy her a magazine. Played imaginary games with her this afternoon and she was furious when I had to stop to cook tea. Played switch sports and she had a tantrum that she didn’t win EVERY game. She shouts at us, does this weird thing where she is basically growling/snarling, goes on and on about how mean I am. You give her 2 sweets, she wants 3. Read 3 stories and she wants 5.

I try to set expectations and boundaries (I can play for 20 mins and then I need to stop; we can get a sweet in the shop but no toys) but it barely seems to sink in. I feel like I don’t want to do anything nice with her because either it won’t go exactly the way she wants or she’ll want more and more and more. I am just so ground down by it all. Has anyone had similar and please tell me they grow out of it?

Hiya

I am in the same boat so keen to hear all the other parents saying how these 6yos just grow out of it and suddenly become wonderful to be around!

I feel like a crap parent in spite of loving her loads, trying to do fun stuff a lot and reading books about how to be a better parent!

Good luck for bank hols and roll on school.

We ended up going home and having sandwiches instead because of her attitude.

How did she react to that? Did you make it clear to her that that was why you’d gone home and not had a meal out? Did she make the connection between her kicking off and the loss of the treat?

Mine 5 and 8 are a bit like this, they are so ungrateful but I think it's because they are so used to going to fun places and having sweets/treat items on a weekly basis that they don't appreciate that its actually a massive treat.

I can feel like this with my 6yo and it's frustrating because I do everything I can to make life fun etc for her, it's really deflating when things are a battle.

Yes, when we give a consequence like this it generally devolves into her going “please, please, I’m so sorry, I won’t do x, I promise, I’m so sorry” etc and then when we hold the boundary “ok, thank you for saying sorry, we’re still going home but we can try again another day” then she kicks off again and gets really angry, shouts, occasionally lashes out. It can often go round like this for ages- she says sorry, has a cuddle, asks for the thing again and when we say it’s still no then back to raging, says sorry again, back round. It’s absolutely knackering.

Mine is the same. On reflection, I think we do and give too much. Soft play every weekend, or bowling or cinema, always play dates with friends and content days out. When I was a kid weekends was the food shop and the rest of the time at home unless it was a special occasion. They aren't greatful for something that is their normal.

She's 6 not 16.

Stop spoiling her with stuff like bowling and she will calm down. The park should be enough of a treat at that age.

Have her tantrums ever worked?

My kids are like this with their dad, but not with me. He is really inconsistent with treats etc, sometimes they get them and sometimes they don't with no real reasoning so they kick off cause theres a chance it will work/they dont understand why they arent getting something when they got it in the same situation last week. With me they get treats for a reason, or I set really clear boundaries before we go somewhere.

I agree with this, nothing is really a treat anymore (and I say that as someone who has been considering getting DC an annual pass for Legoland!). Deep down they know that everything is ten a penny and if they don’t get one treat it’ll be 5 mins before they get a different one.

I have decided to scale stuff back and try to stop everything being centred around them all the time. If we go to theme parks too often then the normal park will be “boring”. If they get biscuits every day then it’s not really a treat it’s just their normal food.

you could also try giving her pocket money and saying she needs to save up to buy her own magazines/sweets/treats and that might help her to appreciate that stuff isn’t free.

I mean we like the park and go there plenty, but it is nice to occasionally do other things too?

No, and I keep thinking surely if I keep holding the line she’ll eventually realise it’s not worth it but it’s just not happening!

You do seem to pack an awful lot into a short space of time ,maybe I'm reading that wrong .

I sometimes try the wish list with my 5 year old. It's from the book 'How to talk so little kids will listen'. Last time I was in a gift shop with him on a day out I told him he could have one small thing. He wanted two things. He was about to go mental in the shop so I tried the wish list. You say you can't have it today but you can add it to your wish list and get it next time, ask for it for Xmas etc. Then you open a note on your phone and type 'DS's wish list' and write it down. You could even take a photo of it.

I thought it would never work but on this occasion it did. He went all round the shop adding more things to his wish list and then we bought the one item and he left happily. Obviously it won't always work, and it won't solve the pizza tantrum etc. But I have found it to work sometimes and to be quite useful.

I’m not sure- this morning we went bowling (one game) then intended to go out for lunch nearby but came home instead. This afternoon we were in the house so did housework, played etc. Not super jam packed imo.

Could have written this myself about my 6 year old daughter. Funny enough We also went bowling few days ago, ending in a meltdown as they didn’t have kids ramp or barriers so every ball went down the sides! I knew it was going to be hell, Scratching me, pulling my hair out of frustration. Had to let her have my go and I did hers so she’d have point on the board🙄anything I ask of her I get a screaming NOOO, constantly demanding I get her stuff, if she drops it I have to pick it up. It’s my own fault for doing it but it just saves the screaming afterwards.

I like this- I do sometimes say “well maybe you can ask Santa” but I feel like a list has more gravitas. I also think I would enjoy looking back on all the madcap shit she’s asked for. One outdoor ladybird lamp from Home Bargains, one stepladder, two dog toys (we don’t have a dog)…

I use a version of the wish list too. If DD wants something we photograph it and add it to the 'list'. Works 95% of the time!

Yes this works for my 5 year old for things she wants in shops.

I definitely give my daughter too many treat days out and so on, and as a result she acts pretty entitled at times. I’m scaling things back as a result. It was when I tried to surprise her with a marshmallow lollipop and she just scowled because she’d spotted some other biscuit she wanted I thought, enough!! When I was a kid the marshmallow would have been a huge treat and I’d have been very grateful. As other posters have said, I wonder if there’s an element of this going on OP.

Yeah this was the second time we’ve been bowling as a family and I am not sold! £18, 40mins and an epic strop.

Happy we’re not alone with this problem

They also have a suggestion for the pizza tantrum. You acknowledge the emotion and then you give in fantasy what you can't give in reality.

Eg.

'Oh I know it's so frustrating when you can't have the exact food you want. Imagine if you could go to a restaurant where they made absolutely anything you wanted. What would you have? I would have candy floss on pizza!'

Again it sounds ridiculous and you think Jesus Christ this will never fucking work. But I have used it successfully to get my very difficult DS out of center parcs and into the car to go home without a complete meltdown 🤣

We do the wish list thing too for toys, I keep it on the fridge so she can see it. I don't actually add half the stuff she randomly asks for tbh and she forgets about it straight away anyway! But if it's something she continually asks for, I add it there and then when people ask me what she'd like for birthday/Christmas etc I give them a couple of (low cost) ideas from the list. It does help tantrums over that sort of thing.

I do feel you though, tbh mine hasn't been toooo difficult recently except for around food, but shes been stuck home poorly the last two days and today she has done my head in. That awkward stage where they're still unwell but recovering but cooped up but got enough energy to tantrum all day...aaargh. Hoping tomorrow she will be much better and we can take her out to avoid the same again.

I think you can see from other posters this sounds like quite typical behaviour at this age! It sounds like you're doing well with boundaries and consequences etc. Next time you are in a similar situation you can remind her of what happened last time and you ended up going home, so what is her choice going to be this time? I talk about choice a lot with my DC - it was your choice to do x/say x and that is why y happened. I also always give at least one, usually two, clear warnings before a consequence so they do fully understand what they're risking by continuing to behave appallingly! Mine also does the 'please sorry' begging followed by the explosive screaming, stomping, throwing things when the 'no' is upheld!

The wishlist totally works! It's like magic. We photograph the thing. How to talk is fab actually in general, if a little American in tone.

DD2 can be like this. She is improving at 7.5 but is Hard Work. Things that help:

• Early enough nights. They do get tired from school.
• Loads of outdoor time. Like hours and hours, we walk miles. Really takes the edge off it and we find it easier to deal with (plus away from shops, cafes etc where nagging and stropping happens).
• A tip from Philippa Perry's book- 20 minutes or so a day of 'yes' time, totally focused on them (no checking phones, jumping up etc).

Her sibling has asd so we don't tend to go to busy noisy places like bowling anyway, but if she's already tense it won't take much extra sensory stimulation to tip her over the edge. Her dad is better than me at this but catching her before she kicks off and has a chance to argue by doing some intense playing or having a joke. She really craves interaction, e.g. tag or hide and seek so it works best if we lean into it. She's also good at a couple of sports so doing them and getting good feedback is helpful. Do you think she might be seeking interaction? We definitely find it's worse if we're otherwise distracted or not paying as much attention.

Maybe just roll it back for 4 weeks or so and keep everything minimal- park, swim, early bedtimes, low screen use and see if that helps?

I may be way out of it now because my DS is 20 now. But I called the shots. I am a retired cop so I worked shifts and I was tired (no more tired than any mother I suppose, but I was tired) I always spent at least an hour with him before I did any cooking etc. park, exploring etc. (bearing in mind my weekends could be mid week)

On the "weekends" I asked him what he wanted to do and we compromised if needed. But he absolutely knew that any bad behaviour negated anything! We used to do at least an hour of craft together, those noodles that stuck together when you wet them, painting etc. what a laugh we had and then if all good maybe once a fortnight, month it was a cinema/bowling/crazy golf treat because he'd been so good. He was very clear that the treat would go if the Begay was t good.

He was an angel (he's a bit of a prick now though lol) but is it that these things are expected by her? They aren't treats? She's sounds like she feels entitled

She’s definitely entitled, I agree that treats don’t seem like treats to her. We’re not hugely well off so it’s not like we’re off to cinema/bowling/soft play every weekend but maybe we do need to strip it back even more. It’s a bummer because these things are nice occasional treats for us too (but of course they end up not being treats after all when she has a tantrum)

Oh- the other thing is hanging out with other kids, e.g park playdates. That really helps as well. Takes the pressure off the parent/child dynamic and 100x less likely to kick off about stuff because it's not all a big test of your relationship.

I think bowling and meals out are better for older dc. At this age it’s easier and more fun to go to the park (or soft play if raining) and take a picnic. Maybe buy an ice cream or lolly but they don’t appreciate a full meal out and don’t want to sit still for long anyway.
6 is old enough for a small amount of pocket money so they learn the value of money. If they ask for things you explain how many weeks pocket money they would need to save to buy it. They should have enough to buy a small amount of sweets each week (like a Freddo) and some to save towards something they really want.