Feel like I can’t do anything nice with my 6yo

[claudiawinklemansfringetrimmer]

Nothing is ever enough for her, every single thing is a drama. We went bowling this morning as a nice family treat, we were meant to go and get pizza afterwards. First it was a huff that she didn’t score a strike, then that her dad beat her at air hockey, then that she wanted McDonald’s and not pizza for lunch. We ended up going home and having sandwiches instead because of her attitude. It’s the same with everything-took her out to a cafe after school and she was cross because I wouldn’t buy her a magazine. Played imaginary games with her this afternoon and she was furious when I had to stop to cook tea. Played switch sports and she had a tantrum that she didn’t win EVERY game. She shouts at us, does this weird thing where she is basically growling/snarling, goes on and on about how mean I am. You give her 2 sweets, she wants 3. Read 3 stories and she wants 5.

I try to set expectations and boundaries (I can play for 20 mins and then I need to stop; we can get a sweet in the shop but no toys) but it barely seems to sink in. I feel like I don’t want to do anything nice with her because either it won’t go exactly the way she wants or she’ll want more and more and more. I am just so ground down by it all. Has anyone had similar and please tell me they grow out of it?

My DD is the same at the moment. She cried at a kids party the other day because she didn’t win musical statues. Everything is a battle and no matter what she gets as a treat she always wants more.
I genuinely do not know where she gets it from as we have quite clear set boundaries and was generally a lovely grateful kid.
No advice, just solidarity.

She might be too young to handle days out like this.

Bowling today was just an example, of many. She’s like this at home too

I think that 6 is still a bit young for 'competitive' things like bowling and switch games. My 6yo can't lose at all. My 9yo had a massive sulk around crazy golf the other week because she couldn't do it. And reinvented snakes and ladders 4 times last night to rig it so she won! So you might be here a while yet!

Yep that works for us for between Sept - Christmas, and again from Christmas to his birthday. There’s an unfortunate gap between May and Sept when Christmas seems like miles away to him, but I’ve been saying “one now, save the other one for next time” which seems to work ok too.

Yes I think she is a tiny bit spoilt. Give an inch, take a mile.
You are doing really well making and enforcing the boundaries and consequences. Don't falter on that, hopefully she will grow out of it but if you give in the tantrums will never stop. Stay strong, you are in the trenches right now.

Yeah I remember my weekends as a child going food shopping then sitting in a pub, maybe visiting my nan. Not saying that's how childhood should be 🤣 but I do think my 6 year old just expects things like fun trips out,treats etc all the time because i do try to plan activities around her.

I think as a society we are dealing with the consequences of putting children at the centre of everything we do and letting them think the world revolves around them.

I keep thinking surely if I keep holding the line she’ll eventually realise it’s not worth it but it’s just not happening!

To my mind, you’re absolutely doing things by the book - you’re giving a consequence (and a natural one at that) and sticking to it. I think - given she’s only six - I’d stick to what you’re doing for a bit longer. Do you discuss it with her along the lines of “x was meant to be a treat; it’s expensive and we thought you’d like it. If you’re not enjoying it/behaving badly/demanding something else then we are going home”. I do think if you can solve it by getting her to understand that connection, then you will have cracked it for life, as it were.

Thanks. We have tried that sort of explanation but tbh I don’t think it’s really sunk in at all. Fingers crossed it just takes a bit of time!

Does she watch you tube? My DS6 (very nearly 7) used to watch it and I found it awful! The kids on there proper spoilt!

I stopped it a year ago and I noticed a quick difference (may be other factors too)

I’ve got a six year old. She can be like this but not so often but I find she is worse when tired. On a school night she really needs to be in bed by 7.30 otherwise she is a screechy little madam the next morning, bursting into tears at the wrong cereal and shouting and stomping about stuff. Do you think tiredness has an impact?

I’m in the same boat to some extent OP, you have my sympathies. This sort of behaviour makes me see red like nothing else.

What I’ve found helps:

-Very clear expectations re acceptable vs unacceptable behaviour at the outset of an outing/treat

-Breaking this agreement results in said outing/treat being immediately terminated

-No engagement in arguing/negotiating/pacifying shitty behaviour

-Significantly reducing the number of outings/treats, which are only earned through good behaviour

-Giving child smaller and more meaningful things to do they have a bit of choice and control over: strip it right back to basics (gardening, drawing, jigsaws,
low-stim stuff where kid feels involved)

I’m not a great parent by any means but I’ll
be buggered if I’ll be dictated to by a spoilt 6 year old
with premature teenage attitude problem. Both of us need to nip it in the bud or it’ll be a bloody nightmare to sort in few years.

She sounds very much like my daughter was at that age. She is 9 and much, much easier.

DS is 6 and can be like this (and I agree, it is really frustrating), but he can also be reasonable, and I think it is getting better. I think things like tiredness, hunger, overstimulation etc don't help, and sometimes my attitude makes it worse if I get frustrated that he seems ungrateful. Agree with pp that some of the techniques from How To Talk are useful and if I can manage a light hearted but firm (rather than cross) tone, he might ask for something extra but accepts when the answer is no. Another thing is setting expectations in advance (e.g. we'll go to the park, but we've got drinks in my bag so we're not going to the cafe this time), plus reminders as we get nearer whatever the tempting thing is.

I would agree with this.

I have to say, a lot of the kids on here sound like absolute brats (especially the scratching and hair pulling one), but sadly I include my own kids in that. They can be horrible.

They are definitely spoilt.

I don't know the answer.

I do agree with a pp's advice that a lot of outside time is needed. They are like dogs, need to be walked.

But it is hard. Mine throw tantrums about having to do mundane things - go food shopping, pop into see their nan, fill the car up with petrol etc. the 7 year old in particular (the younger one is not so bad). He seems to see things like this as complete impositions on his time and I get so annoyed.

I was finding myself running about in the little time I had between finishing work and collecting them from afterschool, so that I wouldn't have to run errands when I had them. It was too difficult and stressful so I've decided they just to accept that sometimes we need to do boring things.

Screen time is also an issue for us. I can see when the 7 year old starts to get bored and restless. But if I intervene and turn tv off he has a tantrum. Because he's unable to understand when he's bad enough.

I wonder if this is just an age thing or if there's an underlying issue, because he is also unaware of when he is hungry or tired. As a result he doesn't eat or sleep much. He sees eating as just a waste of his time and if I didn't really push him to eat, he just wouldn't. He is very thin. And he has a very limited diet.

Went on a bit of a tangent there, but yes, in general, I think we do too much with kids these days and it's too focused on them.

We went on holiday for a week at Easter, and the 7 year old was calling the shots. Only wanted to do activities that he wanted to do, and threw a tantrum at the suggestion we did things that everybody could enjoy.

He also does the "sorry sorry sorry" begging when something is taken away..,.but when I hold from, goes back to tantruming about it.

I'm also holding firm and thinking "surely he will learn soon??" but so far, no.

How is she at school/with friends/on playdates?

Your 6 year old scratched and pulled your hair but you did whatever she asked to appease the tantrum??

Does she have a diagnosis for any neurodiversity?

If not, you need to get a hold on this behaviour now as you are not setting her up for a good teenager / adulthood! Let alone thinking about the poor teachers who will have to try to manage her in school and her other classmates who won't get any learning time whilst the teachers are managing her.

I know a good handful of children who could not tolerate losing at that age (full meltdowns in two cases). They have all got past it now by age 8/9 - they just grew out of it by themselves.

As far as always wanting more, the best thing I have found is pocket money. They are much more selective about what they want when it is their limited money they are spending - it turns out magazines etc are not important to them at all.

But to some extent you yourself have to learn to be confident and cheerful about saying no, and recognise that they won't always accept it gracefully and reasonably, and also that they will not always appreciate the nice things you do for them. It would be nice if they did, of course, but...often they don't.

My 7 yo DD is like this! Honestly, it can nearly bring me to tears! A good example would be when I took her to the cinema with cinema snacks then for dinner, but she kept nagging me for a toy because “she hadn’t done anything fun”. She literally said “I'm going to keep asking until I get one”. I finally conceded just thinking I want her to have a good day whatever it takes, so we will go to the arcade and try and win one (no toy shops around) and when we didn’t win and I was a further ten pound down she started on again asking to go to build a bear!! I just snapped in public and shouted “just shut up!” at her, and this other mum looked at me like I had three heads for losing it with my child. She completely ruined what was supposed to be a special day.

No advice really, just solidarity.

Actually pretty good tbh, she’s lovely for her grandparents too it’s mostly us that get this behaviour! She definitely tends to be a follower so if a friend is doing something they’re not supposed to do she will copy them, but we’ve done a lot of work with her on that and she’s getting a bit better with it.

My DD used to be like this to some extent. The going on and on and on, and the not being able to lose.

shes 11 now and has grown out of it all.

Things I did, I didn't let her win at games. Tough luck, not in a bad way, but more in a that's disappointing, but maybe next time you'll beat me. When she genuinely started beating me she loved it, and I got the loser sign a lot, but she knows if she wins she's earned it.

Getting her into sports activities, the concentration needed and the ethos taught by taekwondo has helped massively.

Finally, I did the grey rock when she used to get into the cycle of "I'm sorry, so sorry? Can I please do x and y now, I won't do it again" etc. first time I'd accept the apology, but explain no, you were given warning etc. when she tried to carry it on, I'd simply say "you know why we're not going to x, I've explained once, I'm not changing my mind, now go and do x or y". It took me a while to be consistent on this, so we had some epic tantrums, but they eased massively after a few months. Even now she knows if I give a consequence I won't budge, so I may get the dramatic eye roll and muttered comments about ruining her life, but within 10 mins she has found something else to do.

Good Luck as it's really bloody hard and you want to give them amazing opportunities And fun things to do.

She literally said “I'm going to keep asking until I get one”.

Fuck. This. The cheek of it. I’m so angry on your behalf! I’d have marched her straight home, no hesitation.

I have to say it, she didn't ruin that day. She is 7. When she said she was going to keep nagging for a toy, you should have gone straight home, told her you were not going to listen to any nagging, and made clear that if she did nag there would be no TV or screens at home for the rest of the day. And stuck to it.

Easy to say and we have all got it wrong many times, but if you can't see what you did wrong there it will keep happening.

I know I’m going to sound like a nutter but that happened with my kid and it turned out to be an awful school environment. Discipline was harsh for some kids but non existent for others, bullying was rife etc. She was stuck in a high stress, unpredictable toxic environment and it all came out at home. It wasnt safe for her to speak up and get angry at school so the family became the safe targets.