Feel like I can’t do anything nice with my 6yo

[claudiawinklemansfringetrimmer]

Nothing is ever enough for her, every single thing is a drama. We went bowling this morning as a nice family treat, we were meant to go and get pizza afterwards. First it was a huff that she didn’t score a strike, then that her dad beat her at air hockey, then that she wanted McDonald’s and not pizza for lunch. We ended up going home and having sandwiches instead because of her attitude. It’s the same with everything-took her out to a cafe after school and she was cross because I wouldn’t buy her a magazine. Played imaginary games with her this afternoon and she was furious when I had to stop to cook tea. Played switch sports and she had a tantrum that she didn’t win EVERY game. She shouts at us, does this weird thing where she is basically growling/snarling, goes on and on about how mean I am. You give her 2 sweets, she wants 3. Read 3 stories and she wants 5.

I try to set expectations and boundaries (I can play for 20 mins and then I need to stop; we can get a sweet in the shop but no toys) but it barely seems to sink in. I feel like I don’t want to do anything nice with her because either it won’t go exactly the way she wants or she’ll want more and more and more. I am just so ground down by it all. Has anyone had similar and please tell me they grow out of it?

Also thank you for all the useful advice and I’m with you on Pizza Hut @WeightoftheWorld it was my favourite too and it seems awful now and SO expensive

Six was a bit like this for us too. Seven saw a big maturity jump and things were easier. I did find explaining things like treat food, toys cost money, which equals mum & dad's time at work and there's not a neverending supply of any of it, helped - not at the time, but he did hear it and over time came to understand a bit better.
Yes to the snarling - DS used to hiss too! DH banned him from using animal uses to effectively shout at us. The chilling out, wanting a hug, then starting it again thing happened for us too, it's awful. Sometimes there doesn't seem to be anything you can say or do. Connection is spurned but if we left him alone like he insisted he wanted he would cry and howl only to yell at me when I came back...arrgggh.
DS is much better when he's not in school. His school environment is happy enough but it uses up most of his niceness and self control during the school day 😂
I think it's a tough phase. Enough awareness to understand that you can influence an outcome and try to control the situation but not enough to use self-control or understand (in the moment) that others are trying to enjoy themselves too. Not quite enough energy for school and good behaviour at home sometimes but not the maturity or verbal equipment to understand and express that.
Like I say 7 has been much better for us, so maybe it will improve soon. Solidarity, it can be so draining.

It sounds to me like she has some underlying anxiety/dysregulation and these things are overstimulating and pushing her over her limit. My eldest was quite like this at 6. He also had some other difficult behaviours like tantrumed to a later age than other kids, tended to get overly emotional about stuff (I have a vivid memory of going through some of his clothes which were outgrown and he cried so much about a t-shirt being too small that the t-shirt got wet with his tears!) argued with me/DH/would get totally overloaded and "lose it". It was a nightmare to do days out for ages.

It calmed down massively at 7 but he was still fairly "intense" always wanting people to do stuff with him, couldn't self-limit on screen time or junk food, very picky eater.

He has ADHD and can be prone to anxiety. He's a teenager now and honestly, all the ADHD stuff has mostly passed (I can see the signs but everyone else including him thinks they are no big deal, which is fine) but he will still over-worry and over-think things. He has learnt to be polite and grateful now :)

I agree that all the stuff in How To Talk was helpful. There is also another book I really liked which I never see recommended anywhere but it's called "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" by Bonnie Harris, I found this really helpful too.

Thank you for the book rec- it’s 99p on kindle so going to give it a go!

She’s 6. Going out for pizza was what you wanted but probably not what she wanted. Would she always choose McDonald’s over pizza or a cafe? If so, arrange to go to McDonald’s next time on the understanding she does not act like a brat. If there’s one instance of being a brat, it’s home for a ham sandwich.

If she can’t play nicely on the switch, she has it confiscated for a week.

While it’s great you have boundaries, she also needs consequences.

I find these commercial, indoor, busy places like bowling the worst for setting DD (nearly 6 off). They are too loud & over stimulating.

This weekend we’ve done beach, cycling, our local quiet swimming pool, park and that was all great. DD was perfect.

Today it was torrential rain all day so we did the big indoor clip ‘n’ climb. DD lost the plot, started ranting & raving about treats she wanted from the cafe etc etc. So we generally try & avoid this stuff & focus on active, outdoors stuff

Just what I was thinking. Kids have such an air of self importance these days and unfortunately it is the parents to blame. Kids are given so much fuss and attention they really do think they are the centre of the universe and it's not nice atall. We were left to play on our own and played out in the street. We didn't dare be rude to our parents. Didnt even know what bowling was at 6 The world has gone crazy in my opinion.

Place that costs a lot, is enclosed, flashing lights, lots of people, playing music etc - kids get way overstimulated and struggle to deal with it. Maybe what you think is a treat actually isn't that much of a treat for her, it's more of an ordeal?

My kids are happier with a boring play park or walk in the woods than going out to a paid experience. They'd act like your daughter too. There will be plenty of time for going out eventually...

It happens everywhere, one of my other examples was just us two playing a nice game of fairies at home. I get that bowling was maybe not a great choice but it’s not isolated to that sort of situation

I suspect being at an expensive activity amplifies the bad behaviour as you feel it should be a treat. I also think she might be acting out is jealousy having to share her parents attention now she has a sibling. When babies are first born they are fairly dull but as they approach one they became more engaging and she will be noticing you giving them attention. There’s no quick fix to that but sometimes being one on one helps the older sibling feel like they are still getting what they need. So maybe once a month you take just her out for a treat, whether that be a solo park visit, cake on a cafe or whatever.

My 6yo loves bowling 😂! I hate it, but have been bullied by DC1 and DH (who loves it) into going twice in the last 6 weeks.

OP, she has a fairly new baby sibling who I'm presuming is taking up a lot of your attention atm. I have quite a large gap between my two and tbh my 6yo (who is quite laid-back luckily) was largely ignored for the first year of DC2's life as I could trust DC1 not to run into danger or do anything too silly and so was focused on the baby.

I think 6 is quite a difficult age as they're becoming aware of so many more things, they're pushing boundaries and school is often quite hard work after an easier reception year. I imagine you're tired after months balancing the 6yo with a new baby and so you have less tolerance than you might have for her. There have certainly been a few months when I've been very short on tolerance for my DC1. I'd have a few quieter days at home and also make a big thing of spending 1-1 time with her if you can. My DC1 loves it when we 'ditch' the baby and it's just us and so I make a big thing about doing this - we go to a cafe and take some games with us to do there.

They're all fairly self-centred and egotistical at this age so your DD may not be remarkable in this regard. They're also becoming much more articulate so their selfishness is more staggering than when they were toddlers, if you know what I mean - it's more 'in your face'. But they're also starting to become a bit more socially aware. I've started telling my 6yo that certain behaviour is just unacceptable because other people can't be expected to put up with it (including us!). So moaning the whole time - I just say "I'm sorry, we're going home because Mummy can't be expected to listen to this all afternoon". Or if DC1 is being unpleasant to friends, I point out that no one is going to want to play if DC1 behaves like this.