Trauma or Autism or Neither. Thread 2.

[StrugglesSadness]

@imip
@Scirocco
@Choconuttolata

Thank you with all of my heart to everybody who contributed to the first thread. You are all wonderful & have helped me through some very dark times.

Recap (Just) 11 year old son struggles with transitions & changes to routines. Extreme violence shown mainly towards myself but also his sister (7) (if he is able to get to her) & himself. Also runs from the home & has to be bought back by the police. Also absolutely trashes the home on a regular basis.

Social worker (who I asked for back in August) is extremely reluctant to put the paperwork through for an Autism assessment, despite school saying that my son 'masks' there & my son's counsellor saying that the assessment is needed, or to help us very much with anything at all really.

I know Sammie1990 & thank you. That's very kind of you. I always had a notebook & a list like
EHCP
NDD
counselling
email reaponses
but somewhere along the way, the lists always came back unanswered & so last time I didn't even have my notebook.

I feel like they are all on one 'Side', & then there's me, alone. I used to have my Caff worker & my Volunteer sit with me on my side but now I have nobody (I know that I sound pathetic)

i think that living away from me is the logical choice isn't it.

I said it to them the first day they met me, when everything was heightened & I asked to be stepped up from Caff to SS, but she said 'We will re-visit this another time'.

It says on our original plan something like 'Struggles wants the children to live in another setting & to visit them at the weekends'. Which wasn't what I actually said.

I said that I may be their mum but being with mum isn't always the best thing for the children

Hi
I don’t believe that them being you isn’t the best thing. You clearly are fighting for your kids and that more than can be said for many! What I mean is I feel like you need to play the game a bit. Exaggerate everything, make out you’re scared your son is going to seriously hurt your daughter even if you feel this isn’t the case. Essentially the worse you make the situation sound the more help you will get. It’s hard because as a parent you obviously want people to know you’re doing the best for your kids and managing the best you can but actually it is those who aren’t managing who get the support. Probably already been said but have you spoke to the autism outreach team? I have found them to be brilliant at supporting parents.

Sammie1990 I didn't think that you were saying that, it's how I feel sometimes.

It's not an exaggeration to say that I'm worried that he will seriously hurt one of us (me, as he generally goes for me)

I can't tell them that I'm letting my daughter be in danger though, I do everything that I can to protect her from him.

But I told her on the phone yesterday that it's only a matter of time until one of us gets seriously hurt & that I don't think they believe how bad things are, & she said they do believe it & that's why we have a CIN plan.

I don't know if I have spoken to them, the name doesn't seem familiar.

I just had the loveliest phone conversation with this woman who used to be a family law lawyer.

She's only seen the first CIN plan & my email asking for help (which barely said anything, just 'We have a CIN plan, I can't speak to my social worker & wondered if you can help me with anything at all')

But she said that firstly, it's not ok that I'm sat in these CIN meetings with my abuser, Secondly, I need an advocate to help me not just with these meetings but to speak to SS in general, & Thirdly, that there is clearly something going on mentally for my son that has been missed.

And then she said 'This CIN plan, there's nothing on it!'

She asked how SS feel about their dad not doing the parenting courses etc, I stuttered a bit & she said 'Tell me if I'm wrong, but they think he's wonderful and you are the one who is failing? Am I close? And you absolutely are not failing by the way'.

She's told me some words to use with Women's aid to try & get them to understand what I'm asking for, so I'll do that after my course with them today, & herself & her colleague (there were 2 in the end) are going to find out if anywhere can help me with an advocate.

She's said that I can call & ask for her at any time if I just want somebody to talk to.

I know that she didn't 'Do' anything, but it's amazing how much better you can feel when somebody shows you some kindness.

That sounds very reassuring to have someone who you can speak to who gets the situation. I hope they can help find you some advocacy to help with the meetings.

Thank you Choconuttolata.

Women's aid looked at me blankly when I used the 'right' words, & still told me to ask the SW about an advocate. So I did the live chat who told me to go through this organisation that I already tried, so I told them that they are looking into it as a special case, but generally you need a referral from the SW... You'd think that they'd know this.

They then told me to phone (SS) so I just spoke to them & she said that she's going to send a message to my SW asking her to call me re an advocate... So that's not going to go well is it. If I even hear from her.

I 100% agree you need an advocate. It’s a shame the school isn’t just naturally doing this for you.

can I just give you a slightly different perspective with regards to Dad being in the meeting. I don’t know the background but if he is the type to turn around and say ‘I didn’t know that’ or place blame with you I would actually consider if you can continue with him in the meeting as he is hearing exactly what you are from the horses mouth. I know it’s hard to be in the same room but the other people in there…mainly the social worker should be ensuring there are measures in place for you to feel safe.

Sammie1990 No he doesn't do that in the meetings... He agrees with them 100% & if I have a slightly different view them I'm looked at by all of them like... Well we believe dad here. And no the SS does nothing to help me feel safe.

Also he goes on about how well things work with him & his wife separating the children... He practically got a round of applause at the last meeting for that. Whereas I'm in the wrong for staying single.

And then he texts me saying that I'm to blame for the children's behaviour, I'm thick etc but he won't do this in fron of the SW or school.

I'm not going to the next meeting if I don't have an advocate.

I.know people on here will get angry with me but I cannot do that & I've said that since the second I left out of the last one (& then he text me saying that I didn't speak because I'm 'Playing games'.

It's hard to explain how he is but he will agree to something in the meeting (their suggestion) & then text me telling me he's not going to do it & I shouldn't have suggested it (when I didn't)

Or we disagreed about something before the meeting then the SW during the meeting said that she thinks we should do it. Fine let's do it then. But he's bought it up about 6 times now in text, how I was 'Wrong'.

He also tells anybody who will listen how he will have the children 'Any time, any day'. But in reality he comes storming round the house furious with me & screaming at my son that he's ruined his plans, if I ask him to come when my son's having a meltdown, & then he messes around all the next contact days which upsets my son.

Having said all that, to the outside world we co-parent well. We do sports days & events together & as long as I go along with whatever he wants, then all is well.

I know exactly the type you mean, seen it many times the ‘hero dad’ meanwhile you’re the one who actually takes responsibility for the children. Has he offered for your son to trial living with him if him and his wife are so great?

Sammie1990 I asked him to take the children near the end of the first thread, as I was so beaten down by everything & felt like they were all pushing for him to have them.

However, he said that he wouldn't do it until he moves house (No idea when) & then I just realised that it wouldn't be such a good idea.

I needed/need a proper break but handing over care isn't what I want (I don't back & forth on that, it's the one & only time I said it)

My son won't get the emotional stability from his dad & his dad is too rough with him when he's upset, I can see that now, but if his dad does actually want to have him full time then I will go along with it as a trial.

I've had a response from the Social worker. She's told me to full out a form for an advocate but it won't be done in time for the next CIN meeting

She said that she read the notes from my phonecall the other day re me not wanting to attend the next meeting without an advocate & asked if there is some abusive behaviour that she is missing from my ex & if I tell her then she can watch for it at the next meeting... So I still have to attend & she will 'Watch' him.

I told her that I spoke at length with her supervisor about this abuse (which seems to have not been recorded) & that I also sent the SW an email the other day explaining how difficult I found the last meeting, which went unanswered.

I told her that I've been trying to sort an advocate since the last meeting but it's very difficult for me as most places tell me to 'Talk to my Social worker' & 99% of the time I don't get a response from my SW.

Well she's on form today 'There are 2 sides so I'd like to see the texts & check them myself' which is fair enough but still, bit harshly worded.

And also 'I asked if people were happy with where they were sitting so next time sit somewhere else'.

Seriously?! She took me saying 'Having to sit next to him in the meeting' as me being upset that there wasn't a chair between us?!

She is on the defensive, because you have complained, but also if you look at it from her side it probably is a bit confusing because you haven't felt confident to say this previously (not through any fault of your own) and also at one point you were talking about him taking the kids.

Her job is to look out for the children's welfare so she has to look at both sides and not just take your word for it. I think if you can be open with her at this point now that she is asking to see the texts this will help massively in how she is approaching the situation with you. I am aware that this will be very hard so writing it down beforehand, maybe including some of the history of his behaviours towards you previously and then how it has been and is now trying to engage with him as a co-parent including the text messages.

I would also mention your concerns about how rough he is when managing your son's behaviour and give examples of how he responds to him both verbally and physically to give her an idea of what you mean.

Choconuttolata So because I said that he should have the children then I'm lying about him being abusive to me?
It's on all of our previous Caffs though (about his abuse) & it's on our notes with the SW when she first met me.

I told her supervisor & I told her in email the other day, she is just seemingly denying this.

I'm happy to send the texts over, I was always going to. I just wanted an 'I'm sorry you are upset' or something? Instead of just 'Well there's 2 sides so I'll read the texts if you want, oh & don't sit next to him next time'.

It doesn't matter, if that's the only way she can engage with me then I'll just leave it. It's clear they all think that he is the better parent, based on the fact that he has a partner & I don't, seems to be the only reason but ok.

I told her before that he was rough & she said that he is right to defend himself.

I won't mention his abuse again I'll just stay silent, if I'm being looked at as a liar.

I thought that making sure that I was ok was looking out for the children but obviously I've got everything wrong. Like always.

I didn't know she already had so much information, that puts rather a different light on it. No it does not mean you are lying about the abuse because you said he should have the children and that is not what I am saying at all. I do not think you are lying and I hope she is not implying that either.

She has to verify that the texts he is sending you are abusive because she has a responsibility to you too if he is being abusive to you then not it is not appropriate for him to be in meetings with you.

It also it impacts on the children especially as some of it has been in front of them at handovers. This is what I meant, because it is confusing as the abuse you are talking about is current not past and giving the kids to him would give him more control and power as you would have to contact him in order to have access. This could result in more abuse towards you and him restricting access to you seeing your children which wouldn't be in their interest. Making sure you are ok is looking out for the children like you say.

I am sorry if it came across as me justifying her behaviour or not believing you, that was not my intention.

He does have a right to prevent your son hurting him, himself or others, sometimes this might involve restraining your son or blocking him, but that does not extend to excessive force so giving examples of his behaviour will help her assess if his management has crossed that line.

@StrugglesSadness I'm sorry you're going through all of this, and that your SW seems to still not be able to show pretty basic communication skills and empathy for you. "There's 2 sides" is a horrible thing to say to someone who's reporting abuse - it would have cost nothing for her to say something like "I'm really sorry to hear this, and I'd like to understand better what's been going on - please can I read the texts?".

It's ok. Don't worry.

If I don't have people's backing on here then I'm not strong enough to do this.

I was never strong enough anyway.

Currently mid meltdown.

If me asking their dad to have the children has somehow proved that for all the past years I was lying then I have no hope.

Thank you everybody.

Hey Struggles, I read your previous thread and just caught up here. How is this week going?

Hey @StrugglesSadness , hope you're feeling a bit better today. You absolutely have people's backing on here, you and your children do.

Thank you both, it's kind of you to post.

We've had a very bad week. My son hasn't been to school since Monday & isn't going tomorrow. I've seen the SW briefly & she was full of praise for my parenting & how well I'm doing in general.

I spoke to somebody from Safeguarding & they tried to get the SW to do a proper plan, she said that they've done all they can & she will have to ask her managers.

Everything is absolutely impossible & we are wading through treacle. As we always are. But I'm still trying. And on it goes.

Important update Trigger warning My son tried to kill himself. We saw M/H in the hospital but they really didn't say much.

My son's dad keeps saying 'We should treat him as if he's just being a very naughty child because nobody is saying otherwise'.

I've spoken to him about 'Low demand' & 'Natural consequences', but he's still saying that we have to treat him as if he's naughty, & telling my son that he can't have a day out in 4 weeks time, because of behaviour now.

omg Struggles. That is so awful. Your poor boy. And poor you. I haven’t got any advice to help but I couldn’t read that and not reach out. I hope this gets better for you all soon

I'm so sorry - that's awful. Do you want to talk about it? That's an awful response from his dad - definitely let social work know that's how he's responded to a child in severe distress.

Thank you very much Something blues it's kind of you.

Sadly, since we got out of hospital (we were in there 2 nights) things are the same as they ever were, support-wise.