Trauma or Autism or Neither. Thread 2.

[StrugglesSadness]

@imip
@Scirocco
@Choconuttolata

Thank you with all of my heart to everybody who contributed to the first thread. You are all wonderful & have helped me through some very dark times.

Recap (Just) 11 year old son struggles with transitions & changes to routines. Extreme violence shown mainly towards myself but also his sister (7) (if he is able to get to her) & himself. Also runs from the home & has to be bought back by the police. Also absolutely trashes the home on a regular basis.

Social worker (who I asked for back in August) is extremely reluctant to put the paperwork through for an Autism assessment, despite school saying that my son 'masks' there & my son's counsellor saying that the assessment is needed, or to help us very much with anything at all really.

Thank you imip. I don't know what happens now. She was going to close it (At my request) but then said that she 'Can't' because of the last knife incident. So I don't know.

If it's SS or nobody then I'd rather have nobody.

My son was very anxious yesterday & last night but we managed the back to school morning fairly well. He has a lot on his mind for the next few weeks (The 'Big' Sats next week)

He is asking endless questions about 'What happens if I don't get good results? But, but...'

Tonight was another 'On the verge of'. He's missing out on some treats during Sats week because some others have been messing around, & this has been explained to him as 'It us an inclusive school so it's not fair for some to have & not the others'.

I'm not sure about that.

It's been a frustrating day here, I spent 4 & a half hours!!! On hold to SS (I did my online parenting course during that time, with the microphone off & the hold music playing on my phone) and then after all that, I asked for a new Social worker & he really didn't say much. He said that he'd get back to me. Took some notes. He's writing it as 'Minimal/Substandard communication'. But I also told him about the NDD assessment not being put through.

I left messages with Transforming care & Beans. GP are going to call me (re blood tests) next week.

@StrugglesSadness it sounds like you've achieved a lot today, even if it might not feel like it. Your son sounds like he's going through a lot with exams coming up and treats withdrawn through no fault of his own - that's tough for anyone!

Scirocco Yes, he seems to of had this a lot in year 6. 'If one of you messes up then you all miss out'.

He is counting down the days, minutes, seconds to Sats week. They can go in early & have breakfast together in the big hall, if they'd like, so hopefully that works out as he will have less time here in the mornings to worry/but it's less time for him to calm his thoughts as well.

It feels like a completely wasted day. That SS call was sooo frustrating! He picked up on the fact that I used the word 'Meltdown' instantly & that made me feel like I was being judged.

I don't like the fact that they won't give me a straight answer as to weather or not I can have a new social worker. I still feel like they are going to say 'Social worker said that she will answer more emails going forwards. Now let's move on'. Or something.

I've had a message back from the Transforming care manager. She said that my son doesn't fit the criteria for their service (I know!) So it was just a general chat with my social worker about young people's behaviour, & what they've found out through blood tests in the past. She then said that 'If I decide that I'd like to explore the options of a blood test for my son, then the GP would be able to advise me'.

Talking to me like I'm a person. That's sooo much better than 'Get this blood test done & let me know the results' From the Social worker, isn't it.

Very different to how it was presented by the social worker who clearly is out of her depth. If she would just put through the referral then maybe people with more expert knowledge would become involved and give better advice. On some level she must recognise this if she has contacted transforming care which is a service for young people with challenging behaviour, learning disability and neurodiversity.

Well done for being proactive.

Thank you Choconuttolata. The Social worker said that this blood test is supposed to be 'As well as' the NDD paperwork. I bet that people don't know how long I've been waiting for her to put it through though, when she talks to them.

I hate it how the Social worker makes me feel like a bloody nuisance/thick/stupid when I need to question anything.

There was twice, with the counsellor, when he asked me something & I said 'I don't know/What do you mean?' He then said something else, which took a while, & which I agreed with & I both times I realised that, in a different way, he had asked me the same thing but just phrased it differently, & hadn't been annoyed with me at all.

I'm not expecting the Social worker to be skilled like that but, when it's like this, she makes me feel like there's something wrong with me for not just blindly saying 'Yes'.

Well we had the morning from hell.

45 mins late to school, after my son tried (& failed) to attack us with a knife. He did his whole leaping out & attacking us from behind cars/walks thing on the way.

All of this week & the lead-up to the Sats is just too much for him.

Nobody was available to speak to me once I eventually got the children to school, & they said that I can't 'Wait' today as they are busy all day.

His teacher phoned me, she asked what he's upset about & asked if she should speak to him about it? (They always say that they will never do this without my say-so as they don't ant to make things worse for me at home)

I said 'Well I'm 99% certain that we are going to have an evening of 'Meltdown/upset anyway, so you speaking to him won't make it any worse'. He's absolutely certain that all of these things that he's upset about at school, are my fault.

The Social worker answered me instantly & gave me a loaf of praise, said that I handled things perfectly (& then I re-read it about 6 times, wondering why she's being nice)

That's about the only thing that's gone right today. It's just been one of those days. Everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong.

I had to postpone my meeting with the counsellors manager, as I hadn't even left for school yet (& I just wanted that 'done' so that it's not hanging over me.

I don't even want to pick him up from school, I'm so worried about tonight. I wish that I knew how to help him

Sounds like although horrendous you did really well to get him to school and manage the risk to you and DD.

Maybe the complaint about the social worker has had an impact, here's hoping.

Such a lot of stress for him with SATS next week, routine change and pressure, your poor DS.

Hope you are ok now it is after school time.

Choconuttolata No, everything is awful. We are having such a bad afternoon. Plus side, I suppose, in a horrible way, school has now 'seen' some of the behaviour.

Yesterday resulted in 3 emails to the SW. (One after school drop off, one in the afternoon & one after bed time) so she is going to moan about that.

I don't want her to step up with answering me, I requested a new one. If she just starts answering me now & I hear nothing more, then it's another case of people not listening to me isn't it.

Yesterday my son was very physically aggressive. I tried to get up for a wee in the night & I'm so stuff, I can hardly move. As well as the usual bruises & bite marks over my arms, & legs where I was sat down & he kept kicking at my knees.

Yesterday was the most distressed that I've ever seen my son in a public place. I say distressed, he was seemingly finding the whole thing hilarious.

I don't know how to help him.

Time to get up & struggle on.

How has the morning gone? Did you manage to get him into school in the end? Did anyone at school speak with you?

Hi Choconuttolata. Today had lots of tears & defiance. I kept things low demand but nothing was okay for him, poor boy. But we managed.

Nobody spoke to me. I sent an email to the Senco & my son's teacher, just putting everything in one place about what happened yesterday.

Silence from everybody.

They probably haven't had a chance to read it yet, most SENCO'S also teach and the teacher will be with the class. Teachers get very little time in the day to deal with admin as they often barely get time to eat lunch and morning break they are either on duty, dealing with behaviour incidents or preparing the next lesson. I wouldn't expect an immediate response they will probably read it after school.

I would expect the social worker to telephone you if they are working today, you could always call them or their manager to talk to them today.

Have you spoken to their Dad today? How is your daughter?

Choconuttolata Our Senco doesn't teach. The teacher usually calls early in the morning (So, in my head, she gets them all settled, leaves them with the LSA & then goes & makes her phonecalls, but obviously it won't always go as smoothly as that!) She did ask me to let her know today though.

They won't call tonight, they never call after school, it's the way they do it with me, as they don't want to risk inflaming things with my son.

I don't know how to contact the Social workers manager & I don't have another 5 hours to sit on hold just to speak to the general team.

It's ok. I don't expect anybody to care. There's nothing to say really, is there. Our world has just exploded but whatever.

We will either manage, or not manage, this weekend, won't we. & then it's Sats week. I will keep my daughter safe.

I saw their dad briefly this morning, he informed me that he's busy this weekend but possibly available Sunday afternoon.

My daughter seemed ok. She's holding it all in. She's exited about school today & I'm glad that she's there, & happy.

I will never, ever understand why people ignore us when we are feeling sooo desperate & I'm asking for help.

I'm asking. But nobody cares enough to help.

I don't know what to say, everyone is failing your family massively. Remember if you reach breaking point A&E is an option if you can get him there and especially if he is threatening to harm you or your DD with knives then call the Police.

Yesterday.
Usually, I think 'At least we had a nice day' (Things turned to crap when we got home at 4) but I'm struggling with this one.

The things that he did to me, I'm struggling to not think that these are done on purpose out of pure hatred.

The thing that I'm missing is that this is a child who hates his mum. No amount of parenting courses or asking the Senco to help, are going to change the fact that he hates me.

But what now?

This is a new low for us.

I was spat on, had snot pulled out of his nose & rubbed all over my face, had poo pulled out of his bum & rubbed over my face, was wee'd on, had my hair pulled, my arms were numb from being whacked with wood, water poured down the front of my dress, feet stamped on, bitten.

He jumped up & down on my back & neck as I sat on the floor outside his room.

I couldn't get away. Can't close his bedroom door properly. He's smashed holes in it & keeps trying to smash his bedroom window.

I can't move because he will go for his sister. I took her once with me as I was desperate for a wee. He charged downstairs (front door was triple locked) & grabbed a packet of batteries & turned the oven on & flung stuff everywhere. Threatened to eat the batteries. I got them back from him as he beat the crap out of me.

I'd sat outside my son's bedroom & helped my daughter make something for tea, in between beatings. She spent most of the time in the garden, enjoying being up this late.

I called his dad & told him that he needs to come & take my son.

I stayed where I was for the next 2 hours whilst he drove. And my son carried on.

I put his sister on speaker phone with their dad as he drove, & she loved this. Carried it all over the house chatting. My son never got near her.

When his dad arrived, he tried to take my daughter. I shouted at him that I need my son away from me. My hair is crispy with snot & spit. I have poo streaks down my face. He can't leave us like this.

He took my son. It was 9pm. I gave my son his favourite teddy as he kicked & screamed his way out of the door. So that he has that. I don't want him to be upset.

I cried for a while. Sat there in the hallway. Huge sobs. My dress & cardigan are both ripped. My poor baby. I still love him.

My daughter came to me & asked 'Why are you sad? He's gone now.'
She got extra TV, milkshake, & biscuits whilst I pulled myself together & had a shower. We then had big cuddles & extra books before a (very late) bedtime.

She is ok. He never got near her. Physically. I know that she isn't ok emotionally. None of this is ok.

Where her bed is in my room, the sun comes through in the morning. She's currently having cuddles there with the cat.

I have a son who hates me & I've failed him.

I don't know what to do or who to call. I don't know how to fix this situation.

I want him to be ok. I want him to be happy. He deserves better than me. They both do.

Nobody needs to answer this. I just don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, unfortunately like many. The resources and help just isn't there. In trying to understand and help my son. I've found gabor mate's work to be helpful. It's a different perspective than purely medical. It's trauma focused. I've found by helping him identify his feelings and work out routes for him to take before he gets violent. Things like punching pillows and angry drawing or roaring like a lion.

Please ignore if its already been said or I've missed the mark I've only skim read the thread. I just know for me I was willing to try everything under the sun to help my child and our family. It can be so very hard when they are violent, for everyone.

Thank you MightyGoldBear Yes I've tried those. Punching things etc (apart from me) never really worked but I keep trying.

Wishing you strength too.

PM'ed you Struggles, sending hugs and strength. Focus on you and DD today. Have a bath, wash your hair. Leave his room for another day and do something with DD that makes you both smile.

I can't, Choconuttolata. Their dad text & said that he was ready to come home, soon after I posted on here, so we just had to get up.

I did get upset when he dropped him back & said that I'm worried about today & feel like I'm at the end of my tether but he just said that he's busy today, told my son to be good & left us to it.

I'm taking us out. I don't know if it's the right thing to do but if we are all home together then it's just going to be chaos, so I will take the risk that this trip out ends in chaos, & hope that it doesn't

I just don't want to be doing this today but I have no choice.

Yes probably best to go out, if he runs off call the Police to bring him back.

I'm so sorry that you've gone through that. And that his dad is useless and unwilling to do more to help.

I hope today is better.

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

I don't know if you've come across this organisation? I don't know much about them but they came up in a conversation I was having last night and I wondered if they might be relevant?