Trauma or Autism or Neither. Thread 2.

[StrugglesSadness]

@imip
@Scirocco
@Choconuttolata

Thank you with all of my heart to everybody who contributed to the first thread. You are all wonderful & have helped me through some very dark times.

Recap (Just) 11 year old son struggles with transitions & changes to routines. Extreme violence shown mainly towards myself but also his sister (7) (if he is able to get to her) & himself. Also runs from the home & has to be bought back by the police. Also absolutely trashes the home on a regular basis.

Social worker (who I asked for back in August) is extremely reluctant to put the paperwork through for an Autism assessment, despite school saying that my son 'masks' there & my son's counsellor saying that the assessment is needed, or to help us very much with anything at all really.

Thank you Scirocco. Today has been ok. I've been on high alert & convinced every other second that another meltdown is coming, but I think that we will be ok. For now.

And i've spent every other second, gazing into the distance, or up into the sky, & wishing that I was anywhere else.

I took a photo of the children together & thought to myself that's probably the lady one I will ever get, if things carry on like this.

I'm very negative in my thinking today & so tired & sore. Everything hurts. Everything always hurts but deep into my soul it hurts today.

I've spoken to Pegs before but they were really disappointing. I need to try them again as I'm running out of people to try.

At 11, your son is past the age of criminal responsibility for his actions - would it make any difference to social work if you were to ask the police to press charges?

Up here, that would result in requirements for specialist assessments and reports to the COPFS, which could include diagnostic assessments, and it could mean you and your daughter could be protected somewhat (eg by his dad being told to take responsibility and have him stay with him during legal proceedings). It's a horrible thought, but what you've just been through sounds horrible and what you've been going through all this time sounds horrible too.

Scirocco I don't know. They did ask me if I wanted to 'Take things further' with my bruises the last time the police came, but my son was missing then & I was so scared about that, so I was just 'Of course I don't, I'm not angry with him for bruising me, I just want him home'.

I feel like I can't quite understand what happened last night. I write it on here, but it's almost like writing a story, like it didn't really happen. I can't quite believe that it was me stood there dripping with fluids, & if I do try to believe it then I think my son hates me. So everybody was right. There is no 'Autism', there is just bad parenting & hatred.

Before last March, his dad only had them 2 overnights & 1 day (all at once) a fortnight, nothing in between. Ever. So compared to that I suppose he now does a lot. The contact that we have now is a world away from what we did have. Not that it matters. I need him to hear me but he isn't (their dad) nobody is hearing me.

What we (me & his sister) needed was some time without him today, but that's not what we got.

I found this Child to Parent Abuse course provider Struggles the course organisers are Suffolk based, maybe they can help?

https://whosincharge.co.uk/

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=whosincharge.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/WIC-Addressing-Child-to-Parent-Violence-and-Abuse-Information-to-help-parents-V1-2020-3.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjJ-qbQi4mGAxU2BdsEHZ16A04QFnoECCIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw0pn3rAg69ZK9rtqb0ZHerN

Pdf booklet from Who'sInCharge

Thank you Choconuttolata. I've done that course before but a while ago so I've emailed them.

Tonight did tip over into meltdown. It was extremely violent instantly but lasted an hour & a half ish, as he passed out through exhaustion.

This next week is going to be so difficult for him.

He wanted to decide when to go to bed so I said that he could stay up late (I know the ideal would be early to bed tonight but he's bouncing off the walls with excess energy) but that we could agree on the time together, so we did that, & he wanted some time alone with his book so I pottered around (thinking at least he's settled down with a book & blanket now so resting) I then spoke to him & reminded him that it was nearly bedtime & all was good. At some point when he got to his room it changed.

I have some new HUGE bruises down my legs & hips from his hardback books being flung at me, & a new bite mark. But it's done now. He's asleep.

I'm sat at the top of the stairs trying to calm my own mind a little.

I don't want to be here.

Carried on today. Spoke to his dad, who thinks that I am too soft on him. I should just let him keep going & smash through doors & windows & smash my bones, instead of telling him to stop.

Senco answered my very brief email (also sent to the SW) of 'Meltdowns all weekend, including this morning, due to worry about exams' with 'He seems fine so far'.

No mention/reply to the one sent last week.

I thought your ex was going to take them full time? What happened to that? Can he at least take your DD? She really needs to be away from this environment.

wandawaves I said that they should stay with me.
He won't take either of them long term ATM because he's back & forth to his wife's home all week & wouldn't get them to school.

I am sorry to hear all this struggles. I am wondering if it is CAMHS crisis line you should call if things are getting too heated (eg his own threat to harm himself or others).

School are saying that as it wasn't them who 'caused' the meltdown & it didn't happen on their premises, & all they saw was my son heightened with his parents & me & his sister upset, then they are counting that as 'nothing'.

I finally got hold of the SW managers number, she wasn't in but I've left a message for her to call me tomorrow. I've stated (again) that I want a new SW & said that it's due to 'Lack of clear communication'.

Thank you, imip. I've written that in my notebook as I forget about them in the moment. I tried them the once but it can't do any harm to try again.

The problem that I have right now is that it's on the safety plan that I call their dad first, so he says that he will come, but then there's a 2/3 hour delay where I have to let my son carry on hurting me, whilst we wait for his dad.

We both spent some time with my son this afternoon. He gravitates to me, cuddles into me, talks to me, tells me how his exam went (not too bad, luckily) & practically ignores his dad ... this messes with my head because he spends every spare second trying to kill me.

I'm so conflicted. I just can't work it out. I almost want my son to be cold towards me because then it will be easier later on when he's beating me

The school are **wits who clearly no nothing about ND and are just passing the buck again and again because in a few months it will not be their problem anymore. It makes me so angry, your poor DD who will still be their 'problem' isn't even considered in this at all.

Glad you have phoned the social worker's manager. Before that conversation get a list written down of all the meltdowns and behaviours you have been experiencing and dates/times you have informed the social worker ready and request their email address so you can send them the timeline along with the failed referral timeline etc...

The safety plan needs to change and you need to start calling the Police every time because it will escalate with social care because they will get a report from the Police every time.

Choconuttolata It's awful isn't it. I know that nobody here 'saw' what happened at school the other day, but I just don't understand this reaction (that they only gave me when I specifically asked if we are pretending that Thursday didn't happen, or what)

So apparently an 11 year old boy screaming & throwing himself around on the floor of the lobby/playground/launching himself at his mum & sister screaming 'I'm gonna kill you' (amongst other things), & us having to be secured in the school away from him, is of no concern of theirs, & I'm hesitant to use this word & don't want to offend anybody, but is also completely 'normal'.

And yes, I'm saying the same thing about my daughter still going to that school.

The police won't come out, when I've called them before, they only come if he actually has a 'weapon'. It's so difficult.

The 'safety plan' is stupid, as it stands though.

I want SS to either help us properly or leave us alone properly. Because this 'We are under SS but they are doing nothing' isn't helping any of us, & especially not my own M/H

If he is physically abusing and trying to attack your daughter you the Police can come out to you to ensure your safety he is 11 now and above the age of criminal responsibility. If they refuse to attend then you need to complain and you need to get your injuries documented by attending the GP, minor injuries or the Police station. Also human bites as animal bites do can carry lots of bacteria so do seek medical attention in case of infection.

Is there a chance you can get back to the mental health meet this week to speak to the lady there, your bruises and bite marks will still be there.

Choconuttolata I tried to get an appointment with them last week (for this week) but they didn't have anything available.

Actually, I think he was 9 the last time I called the police for something that wasn't a weapon or when he'd run. So that might be worth a try. It will be difficult to do though.

Tonight, he is in bed & we are all ok. Huge sigh of relief!

Hi - This seems terrible and you certainly need support. I think that NAS have a helpline and also SOSSEN are good. There are usually autism support networks locally and you don’t need a diagnosis to access.

Just google locally for diagnosis support in your area - it might be in your local authority local offer page under SSN.

i’m not sure of the criteria but PDA as a diagnosis came to mine but I know nothing about it and others will know more.

Keep a diary and if possible ( safe) video evidence.

NAS might advise how to de escalate things.

The PDA society have techniques to deescalate things

no idea if it is that - but the techniques look good for any sort of similar occasion

Can you put cameras up.inside your house. You shouldn't have too but if you video these meltdowns and send them to his dad as I bet he thinks you are exaggerating and the social worker. Maybe the GP too. If its this extreme with no diagnosis I would be extremely concerned. My son is ASD and its been a hard tough road to adulthood but not this tough. I think you need to the some drastic action to get him and you the help you need.

I think that in the meantime if you can just assume ASD and follow all the procedures and guidelines.

NHS OT websites might have some helpful advise re SPD - how to regulate
There is a book called how does your engine run I think you can buy
it’s about teaching him to withdraw himself and re regulate etc.

The parent at all times had to remain calm and de escalate even when your nose has been banged etc.

Cam you diaries exactly what happened before outbursts etc

Please do ring round agencies - frankly social services are not that great for this. You could self refer for an NHS OT assessment to see if there is an SPD trigger.

Also if it is emotional behavioural and not ASD you could ring up the local specialist SEN school for that and ask for any leaflets or advice.

Google SEN schools behavioural.

If you had the funds the Lorna Wing Centre is the gold standard for ASD assessments I believe but it’s pricey.

Thank you for the support Noras. Yes I use PDA strategies as much as I can.

Hi tootiredtospeak I did order a little camera, it took ages to come & I can't really work out how to use it so I'll have to sort something else out.

The thing with his dad, he is often on speaker phone so he hears it, & he was here when my son went for all 3 of us with a knife, so he sees it, it's that he's sooo much rougher with my son & I'm not willing to be rough with him.

His dad doesn't deal with it much so it's easy to say 'If it were me then I'd let him smash up the house' but in reality, would he? In a rented house? I don't think so.

There still has to be boundaries & I'm not letting him smash windows.

I've spoken to Sossen before, & look on NAS a lot.

I do keep a diary but I'm not sure what for as nobody is ever bothered enough to see it.

I've still been leaving messages at 'Beans'. Not sure what is going on there but she did say that as soon as she's found out if my son is on the CAMHS list &, or the NDD (he's not) list, then she will get back to me, so I might just have to wait.

I did the PEGS referral. That looks a lot more thorough than it was when I was in contact with them before, so hopefully something good comes out of it.

I'm just sat on the stairs outside my son's room, listening to make sure that he is actually asleep, before I get into bed. He said something the other day, about attacking me in my sleep & I can't shake it, it's made me scared to go to sleep.

Noras I have no money for anything but hadn't thought of the local SEN school. Thank you for that idea.

I do assume ASD every day (but I do have wobbles, as evidenced on here, & think that he just hates me)

I wish that we'd never got SS involved, people used to tell me that we'd get some proper help with them but we get nothing. Hopefully some good comes from this phonecall tomorrow.

His dad though is of the thought that 'If everybody says that it isn't Autism then it isn't & he's just a naughty child & needs to be treated like one'.
That's his latest idea anyway.

I’m really sad to hear that - there must be a local NAS group meet up or just some parents who meet up re ASD kids. Have you tried doing a Facebook search with words ASD and your town? People will be happy to talk to you and support you even with no diagnosis.

Ypu can ask for a different social worker and also access any docs held by social services. Do you get the carers grant? Have to asked for some social care so that you and your daughter can have mum and daughter time? Ultimately if your social workers does not help you can lodge a complaint to he council and ultimately up to the Ombudsman.

He needs an EHCP even for behaviour etc and top up funding - do you have that?

Nora The EHCP was refused. I'm going to wait until high school & try again.

School just don't see enough of it (& what they do see, they ignore)

I've asked for a new Social worker yes & I'm talking to my ones manager tomorrow about this.

Time with my daughter, their dad tells them that he will have either of the children 'Whenever I want' so they don't think that there is a need for things like this.

Listen I know when you are stuck in the trenches of this that it is so debilitating and you just desperately want someone to have the answer to what is wrong and what can fix it but you have to crawl your way out of it step by step. If you can't do the camera employ someone to fit them or ask his dad if he would pay half. Have a plan and a strategy. Record what goes on and go back to the GP with footage ask for a meeting with the social workers manager not just for a new social worker but to make a formal complain that not enough is being done to help. Ask what help there is for your daughter and how they are safeguarding her as she is a minor. They won't give a sod about you. Be that person that shouts the loudest complains the most and is an absolute pain in the backside. Chances are that someone will help along the way just to get rid of the hassle. Sad but true.

I know, tootiredtospeak. People come onto the thread & say 'Why aren't you shouting louder? If it were me then I would (whatever)' etc. And people don't understand why I'm not making a fuss.

I am doing my best. I am fighting. I am. I'm putting myself absolute bottom & I'm trying to get my daughter & my son away from me as that seems like the only solution here.

I am. I'm not just doing nothing. I'm obviously not making the right kind of fuss to the right kind of people but I am trying.

I am the only person in the entire world who is fighting for them. And I am. I'm obviously not good enough, but I am trying.

It's not ok that his sister is in this environment & I'm well aware that nobody gives a shit about me. I'm trying to make things better for my children. I don't matter. I'm well aware of that. But thank you for pointing it out as I could always do with being told it again.

I'm currently sat here with pages & pages & pages of notes, for the SW manager. Looking back through all of the emails is just reminding me how nobody ever does anything.

But I am trying.