Really hurt by best friend

[sweetpea2023]

Hi there,

I'm 36 years old, I have two beautiful daughters, DD1 is 8 years old, DD2 is 5 months old.

It's taken me a really long time to find happiness, I've had such a stressful time with relationships, but two years ago I finally found happiness when a friendship of 17 years developed into more - we're now engaged and we had DD2 5 months ago - I can honestly say I've never felt happier - my fiancé is so wonderful and I finally feel truly happy, for the first time ever 🥰

DD1's daddy very sadly died, and my fiancé is the best step-dad to her, he's amazing ❤️

The reason I'm writing this post is because my best friend of 20 years (male - 45 years old) has gone really strange with me since I had DD2 - he didn't come to see me when she was born, and when he did see me, his focus was telling me how he didn't agree with me getting engaged, which really shocked me 😥

Me & my best friend have been thru absolutely everything together, and whilst I know he thrives off drama, I never in a million years thought he'd turn on me - he now ignores my texts and he's told me he's 'keeping himself to himself' 😞

Also, just to add, the last time he came to my house when I was heavily pregnant, his car got stolen outside my house, he has a keyless car, and I know this really shook him up, as I live in a nice area and you'd never expect that to happen - I did everything I could to help by getting CCTV from my neighbours and help the the police etc... but since then, he won't come to my house anymore 😔

I just feel really hurt and I don't know what I've done to make him suddenly change, I'm loosing sleep over it as I just feel so confused, and at 3:30am this morning I woke up and cried as I just don't understand what's happened 😓

Also, just to add, 4 months ago I also had to end a friendship of 10 years with a close friend as she also turned on me... so I'm beginning to wonder if it's me, and it's really taking my confidence... why are my friends doing this 😣💔

Any advice would be really appreciated, as right now I'm at a total loss with why this is happening - I really love my best friend to bits, he's such a special person to me, but he's really hurting me 😞

Hmmm. The bit at the end where you say two friends have now effectively turned on you would indicate it’s not just this man, something else is causing them to behave like this. I don’t think we can tell you why. Only you know.

You've been friends with a man who is nine years older than you since you were 16? Is he gay or straight? I'm just trying to understand the dynamic between you.

If friends are falling out with you. you must have some idea. It’s just if you’re ready to really think of what that is.

Good point re ages - don’t think it’s relevant whether he’s gay or not, he obviously can’t bear being replaced by another bloke who is also a long standing friend and the baby is proof of it.

Did this man think he had a chance of romance with you? I wonder whether he was waiting in the wings for you to be ready to see someone else after your husband died and then someone else got in first.

As for friend I don't think the two things have to be connected and I certainly don't think it has to be your fault. What happened the last time you saw or spoke to that friend?

Ate both friends unimpressed by your relationship? You say your friend said he didn’t agree with your getting engaged, and he’s disengaged since you had a baby with your fiancé.

There's either something worrying about your partner that you can't see or the older man wanted you for himself would be my guesses. What did the first friend turn on you for?

You must have some idea if two friends have done the same.

Have either of these people you’ve fallen out with made any comments about your new partner? If so what comments have they made?

Just to give some context, both friends are single, no children, never been married.

Answers to questions below >>>

• no, he's not gay, nor has anything ever happened between us, he's like a brother to me, the dynamic is purely friends

• my fiancé is wonderful, there's no reason whatsoever to have concerns about him, he's the nicest, most genuine guy ever

• the friendship I ended was because my friend of 10 years took me & my daughter away for a few days, she insisted it was a gift as I explained I couldn't afford it, then after we'd been she told me she wanted me to pay her back, and she asked for an 'itemised breakdown of my finances' (she's very wealthy).... I think she needs help as her behaviour isn't normal, her own family have fell out with her, my parents had to get involved as it got so bad with her demands, it was so awful 😢

• I have tried so hard to think of what I've done and if the problem is actually me, but I genuinely can't think what I've done, I've been a really good and loyal friend to both of them, I've even asked my other best friend if it's me and she's reassured me it's not

I feel the same as this really. I think, hope, it’s probably not an actual issue with your partner but I don’t know obviously! Sometimes these things just happen, but it hurts. I’m sorry!

When your BF said he didn’t think you should get engaged, did he offer a reason?

Oh cross post! Well, your friend was very unreasonable indeed about the holiday, that is just ridiculous behaviour, if it was exactly as you’ve said here.
My suspicions are that your male friend has developed or has been harbouring feelings for you for some time, and he doesn’t want to be around you while you’re so loved up. There’s not really any other explanation I can think of. I understand him not wanting to come to yours since having his car nicked but that doesn’t explain the emotional distance he’s putting in place.

#@sweetpea2023

I am thinking is your male friend of long standing dislunished with his lot in life generally do you sense that from him at all?

and he sees you are happy in your life in the direction your life has taking you now,
and it's sharply focusing how wanting lacking his life currently is now?

I wonder whether cause you met him at a vunerable times in your life,
and " when you are real down in your luck in life",
he is there for you as he really is very needy himself and needs to feel real needed and now you don't Need as much as you used to do,
He feels his role in your life us not as relevant as has been and he has a tinge of unexpected envious,🤢

Also other friend perhaps you have just acctracted real needy friends,

Who cause you have been vunerable or and thrpugh difficult times yourself,

You haven't noticed this aspect of these types of friendship dynamics before,

I think you have possibly just naturally outgrown this type of friendships co dependency type of dynamic,

I think you to look at creating a healthier new friendships dynamics instead elsewhere,

Such as through new hobbies and interests and mother and baby toddler groups etc,
Meeting up in cafes

Also if there has been other friendships you have unitentially have side lined a bit or certain extant,
by being so emotionally invested in needy friendships types?,
If you want to,
look into seeing possibilities of meeting up with then in cafe or in a park or doing a new hobbies interests together,

I lost a few friends last year all at once too, and it definitely WAS me as I realised they were not nice!

Anyway, back to the ‘good’ old friend. You are being ghosted, which really really hurts because you don’t know why. It can really get to you, especially if you have been rejected before, and makes you question friendships in the future. I read a good article about it a few years back, I’ll see if I can find it for you now.

Just one question, has he done this type of thing to other friends previously??

@sweetpea2023
I agree with other poster #@Jokl i think your male friend long standing could well have developed quite strong feelings for you,
as a potential partner or girlfriend ,

and was hoping 🙏 that things would develop in that way sooner or later or was waiting for the right moment to pluck up the courage to say how he felt or test the waters in that regard..

it does come across quite strongly, strikes me,
Your male friend is just making excuses as he doesn't really want to see you loved up and happy,
being happy families,
when in reality he wishes it was him, you were with,
instead of your husband..

he is a bit envious i suspect 🤢

thanks everyone, I really appreciate your advice 🙏🏻

To answer questions >>>

• yes, he's also fell out with his other female best friend as she arranged to go to a festival with someone else without him and he felt betrayed by her

• he thought I was rushing into things getting engaged, as me and my partner had only been together romantically for 12 months at the time, but we'd been close friends for 17 years before that

Here is some articles about being ghosted, it’s not the one I was talking about but there are loads online and information about it too:

https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/friendaholic-confessions-of-a-friendship-addict-elizabeth-day

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/being-ghosted-by-a-friend-why-it-happens-and-how-to-cope

You might never find out ‘why.’

All the best.

@3luckystars thank you so much, I'll give these a read 😘

Well, maybe he has a point? Your daughter is only two, and you say her father died, so you’ve dealt with having a baby, the death of a partner/recent ex-partner, got into a new relationship a year later and got pregnant virtually immediately, all in the space of a year or two.

@Huldrafolk my daughter is 8, and my baby is 5 months

It'll be your fiancé. You think he's amazing but 2 friends have decided they can't stand and watch it happen. Sounds like they tried to warn you.

I've had the same. My friends husband died and she has been taken in by the most manipulative, scummy men since more than once. She'll tell the world they're truly brilliant decent men but they're just not. It's horrible to watch and I understand why he's avoiding you if that's the case.

@TakeOnFlea I can honestly say, hand on heart, that's not the issue... my partner is wonderful, my parents absolutely adore him, and so do my other friends, he's the most supportive partner, and the relationship dynamic is really healthy between us, he's not got a bad bone in him x

My friend told everyone I "loved him to bits" and that he was wonderful, "like a dream" and her kids were so secure with him around.

Until she couldn't ignore it anymore.

Only your friends know why so maybe ask them? But be prepared to hear things you don't want to.

Can you ask your friend what are the reasons he is ‘keeping himself to himself’ as you really miss him. Is it your OH, and if so will he ever feel he’s able to accept him? If not the friendship is over. Is it the house issue? Are you reasonably able to meet him in other places? I’d just ask straight but be prepared you may never know.