Really hurt by best friend

[sweetpea2023]

Hi there,

I'm 36 years old, I have two beautiful daughters, DD1 is 8 years old, DD2 is 5 months old.

It's taken me a really long time to find happiness, I've had such a stressful time with relationships, but two years ago I finally found happiness when a friendship of 17 years developed into more - we're now engaged and we had DD2 5 months ago - I can honestly say I've never felt happier - my fiancé is so wonderful and I finally feel truly happy, for the first time ever 🥰

DD1's daddy very sadly died, and my fiancé is the best step-dad to her, he's amazing ❤️

The reason I'm writing this post is because my best friend of 20 years (male - 45 years old) has gone really strange with me since I had DD2 - he didn't come to see me when she was born, and when he did see me, his focus was telling me how he didn't agree with me getting engaged, which really shocked me 😥

Me & my best friend have been thru absolutely everything together, and whilst I know he thrives off drama, I never in a million years thought he'd turn on me - he now ignores my texts and he's told me he's 'keeping himself to himself' 😞

Also, just to add, the last time he came to my house when I was heavily pregnant, his car got stolen outside my house, he has a keyless car, and I know this really shook him up, as I live in a nice area and you'd never expect that to happen - I did everything I could to help by getting CCTV from my neighbours and help the the police etc... but since then, he won't come to my house anymore 😔

I just feel really hurt and I don't know what I've done to make him suddenly change, I'm loosing sleep over it as I just feel so confused, and at 3:30am this morning I woke up and cried as I just don't understand what's happened 😓

Also, just to add, 4 months ago I also had to end a friendship of 10 years with a close friend as she also turned on me... so I'm beginning to wonder if it's me, and it's really taking my confidence... why are my friends doing this 😣💔

Any advice would be really appreciated, as right now I'm at a total loss with why this is happening - I really love my best friend to bits, he's such a special person to me, but he's really hurting me 😞

Perhaps your female friend had enjoyed feeling a bit superior to you and now you're blissfully happy, it has changed the dynamics. Your male best friend sounds a bit flakey and he may well have thought you could be more than friends but the baby is fairly clear proof that it's never going to happen. I don't think you have necessarily done anything wrong or behaved badly but sometimes circumstances and friendships change.

I was friends with men in their 20s when I was 16. I worked with them. I also know friendships of different ages through sport.

Completely different to know someone through work or sports. An adult man being “best friends” with a teenage girl is just not right. Would you be ok with your 16 year old child having a 25 year old best friend? 😬

“in my experience the vast majority of straight men have no interest in platonic friendships with women a decade younger than them”

DING DING DING!

He either is in live with you or jelous and disapointed in his own life or both. As for the friend, did you go through being unhappy together and now you are happy? I have lost friendshios where the other person was just not in the same headspace as me anymore and I had moved my ljfe on but they hadnt and it was the end. My partners btother doesnt speak to him anymore becuase he is bitter and alone and cant stand to be around us being happy. Sad to say but its time to accept you are in a new phase of life and they cant or wont be a part of it. Be happy and dont let them drag you down.

I would say simply that you're a different person than you were a year or so ago, not in a bad way but you have different priorities, different responsibilities and pulls on your time. You're happy and this may unsettle others. It's completely normal but someone who has known you for so long may feel they aren't 'special' to you anymore. Their issue not yours. Be you. Be happy and don't let them bring you down.

It feels like context is missing, what did he say the reason for not supporting the engagement was?

Why was a 25 year old man befriending a 16 year old girl? How did you meet him? How did your friendship evolve?

My guess is that he wants your attention, either romantically/sexually or platonically, and doesn't like that you now have other priorities.

Hmm it’s strange but from what you have said I think it’s possible that he relied on you and thinks he’s scared and pushed out that you have a replacement and he’s no longer required as much so feels pushed out as obviously your priorities have changed a lot! But that’s not a bad thing for you obviously you have a lovely happy loving relationship and a new baby so you will naturally be busier and have other commitments and support in your new man who you have also known a very long time. He probably feels put out and will notice the hole in his life maybe he thinks he’s lacking and is feeling depressed about that! Who knows, do you think he may be wanting a family:partner? It seems as he fell out with the other friend too that he’s needy and wanting an intense friendship that most people don’t have time to invest in to such an intense relationship.

Please don’t lose sleep and ruminate and be upset about this, just accept that your friendship has changed and concentrate on the family and friends you do have as these will make you happy in the long run. You may never know why, if he’s not going to tell you what the real reason is.
so you may as well just try and move on now

I find that male friends will tolerate being just friends if I’m single. Men nearly always hope for something more and they will usually be jealous of other men.

Your female friend sounds mental.

It could also be because you’re now happy and part of a couple.

I think PPs are making huge assumptions saying that it must be your partner. If the two friends were both female, kind and mentally stable then fair enough but they’re not are they?

The issue is that you’re drawn to unstable people, I’m afraid. You end up in strange, intense friendships that were always destined to end in drama and weirdness. I get the sense you might be a bit naive and miss a lot of red flags.

I think this is likely a response to the 'years of relationship hell' you allude to, and that maybe they feel that you have a track record of making poor relationship decisions

I think your best friend is jealous. He's been replaced as the number one male in your life. He may or may not have feelings for you, but he's not your go-to man any more.

Whether he was hanging out in the friend-zone hoping for a chance, or was purely a platonic friend, it sounds like he was as @MaidOfSteel put it your #1 male emotional intimate and has found himself superseded. Also, you say you have known your current partner a very long time too - maybe he has never liked him, or didn't expect a relationship to blossom. Once pregnant it's really concrete evidence that you are having sex and making a life with another man and your partner is now your priority. It could be hard for a lot of people to find after so many years that their closest friend was moving on. It may make him feel more aware and insecure about his own lack of a partner (as you didn't mention he has one).

Doesn’t seem like it’s you . It just seems your friend was so used to a certain dynamic that he can’t bear a new reality if you and someone else etc .
you haven’t done anything wrong , you need to stop the blame on yourself .
Will this friend be the kind that accepts to steal or will it end up in a row with him simply defending himself ?

16 year old girl with a 25 year old man as a best friend - that’s more than a bit unusual. The other friend is also someone you’ve known for 17 years. Multiple best friends. I don’t know anyone our age who talks about best friends at all. And getting engaged that fast when you have a small child who’s Dad has died is a reasonable thing for a friend to be concerned about. I can only think this is a made up post by a journalist who can then publish it as a story.

Having an intense ‘best friend’ with an older man is very odd. Sack the creep off and focus on your family. The whole thing sounds very unlikely though, too much drama and teen angst for sensible grown ups.

Could it be the baby that’s the ‘problem’ rather than you?
As your daughter is older.
I wonder if your friends don’t enjoy the amount of your attention the baby takes up!

I'm just very surprised about your "best friend" of 20 years, that would make you 16 and him 25 when you met?

I'd call that a very odd relationship.

And current partner you've known since you were 19, but didn't have romantic feelings for, for 17 years.

And father of first child at age 28 is dead.

I've met quite a few people with dramatic lives. And always there are warning sirens about that person.

Warning siren no.1 would be hanging out with a 25 year old when you're 16.

Warning siren no.2 might be that you're hanging out with the same people on an estate and have lived in it your entire life and have never expanded your boundaries, or got a job, or had goals, or been independent.

Male friend realised when you had DD2 that it was not going to he him. There's no other reason.
Then he gets annoyed at other female friends for going to festival / concert without him? Either he wants some sort of cake and eat it, or he genuinely crap at asking women out and going for some sort of long game.

Female friend? Leave her. You can offer to pay for something and then ask for it back, especially when youce said straight up you can't afford it.

Sometimes friendships come to an end. Best just to let these ‘friends’ go. I suspect that you have changed as you found a new love and that doesn’t fit in with your friends’ image if you. So it could be that they enjoyed ‘helping’ you as you had been through a tough time but now your life is on the up and that has irritated them. Would explain why wealthy friend first offered to pay for a break (made her feel good) but then seeing you happy makes her realise you are not dependant on a break away to be happy.
Same with your male friend. Maybe you fulfilled the need for a female in his life without him having a romantic relationship and he thought that suited you too. Instead you got yourself a new romantic partner.
You have changed but true friends stick with that.
You sound a lovely person who cares deeply for her friends; honestly just let these people go as they sulk in the corner. 😊

The first friend can’t bare you are happy and you are lucky not have the second one anymore as she sounds bonkers regarding wanting to charge you. Move on in your happy life, you deserve it!

I also had male friends who were in their 20's when I was 16. I also had female friends that age. None were "best friends" though, and died a natural death while in college or after marriage.

Friend one is in love with you, the baby was the nail in the coffin.

Friend two is nuts.

I find a 25 year old grown man being best friends with a teenage girl really odd.