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Original poster

Really hurt by best friend

88 replies

sweetpea2023 · 01/05/2024 07:35

Hi there,

I'm 36 years old, I have two beautiful daughters, DD1 is 8 years old, DD2 is 5 months old.

It's taken me a really long time to find happiness, I've had such a stressful time with relationships, but two years ago I finally found happiness when a friendship of 17 years developed into more - we're now engaged and we had DD2 5 months ago - I can honestly say I've never felt happier - my fiancé is so wonderful and I finally feel truly happy, for the first time ever 🥰

DD1's daddy very sadly died, and my fiancé is the best step-dad to her, he's amazing ❤️

The reason I'm writing this post is because my best friend of 20 years (male - 45 years old) has gone really strange with me since I had DD2 - he didn't come to see me when she was born, and when he did see me, his focus was telling me how he didn't agree with me getting engaged, which really shocked me 😥

Me & my best friend have been thru absolutely everything together, and whilst I know he thrives off drama, I never in a million years thought he'd turn on me - he now ignores my texts and he's told me he's 'keeping himself to himself' 😞

Also, just to add, the last time he came to my house when I was heavily pregnant, his car got stolen outside my house, he has a keyless car, and I know this really shook him up, as I live in a nice area and you'd never expect that to happen - I did everything I could to help by getting CCTV from my neighbours and help the the police etc... but since then, he won't come to my house anymore 😔

I just feel really hurt and I don't know what I've done to make him suddenly change, I'm loosing sleep over it as I just feel so confused, and at 3:30am this morning I woke up and cried as I just don't understand what's happened 😓

Also, just to add, 4 months ago I also had to end a friendship of 10 years with a close friend as she also turned on me... so I'm beginning to wonder if it's me, and it's really taking my confidence... why are my friends doing this 😣💔

Any advice would be really appreciated, as right now I'm at a total loss with why this is happening - I really love my best friend to bits, he's such a special person to me, but he's really hurting me 😞

OP posts:
jobessieandme · 04/05/2024 13:52

Frankly the most likely explanation is jealousy. Maybe he likes having single female friends or maybe he's always harboured a crush on you. I doubt it's anything to do with your choice of current partner. It's the fact you have one at all.

I will get flamed for saying this but in my experience the vast majority of straight men have no interest in platonic friendships with women a decade younger than them. I have many platonic male friends but they're all my own age and mostly happily married.

Underestimated4 · 04/05/2024 15:48

Please don’t blame yourself I actually don’t think you’re in the wrong in either case.

It’s more likely you’re a super nice person who gets walked all over.

Sounds like your male friend feels pushed out or has feelings for you. Was he close with DD1 did he feel like a father figure and now feels pushed out?

Notamum12345577 · 04/05/2024 15:48

Huldrafolk · 01/05/2024 08:26

Well, maybe he has a point? Your daughter is only two, and you say her father died, so you’ve dealt with having a baby, the death of a partner/recent ex-partner, got into a new relationship a year later and got pregnant virtually immediately, all in the space of a year or two.

Eh?? Her daughter is 8, she has been with her fiancé 2 years. Not sure where you got anything about her daughter being 2…..

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3-6 months old 8 year olds Babies & sleep Families
Brats4kid · 04/05/2024 16:22

He loves you, it's as simple as that!

MauveOrPossiblyTaupe · 04/05/2024 16:37

jobessieandme · 04/05/2024 13:52

Frankly the most likely explanation is jealousy. Maybe he likes having single female friends or maybe he's always harboured a crush on you. I doubt it's anything to do with your choice of current partner. It's the fact you have one at all.

I will get flamed for saying this but in my experience the vast majority of straight men have no interest in platonic friendships with women a decade younger than them. I have many platonic male friends but they're all my own age and mostly happily married.

100% this.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/05/2024 16:51

Well the whole thing sounds quite over dramatic to me. I’m confused by all the talk of multiple best friends, as if you’re all still at school. And you say yourself the best friend who has gone quiet on you “thrives off drama”. Not quite how I’d expect a 45 year old man to behave.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/05/2024 16:52

And why have you put this on the Parenting thread? Needs to be moved to Relationships.

DottyLottieLou · 04/05/2024 17:18

Maybe send him a letter asking what has happened. If he doesn't reply, draw a line under his friendship (for now, things change). You'd be much happier concentrating on your partner, family and friendly friends.

Whoslaughingnowhahaha · 04/05/2024 17:55

What was it like when you were both single OP? Did you ever flirt with him? Even jokingly?

Noseybookworm · 04/05/2024 18:36

It's sad but I think you'll have to let the friendship go...you've got a busy life with 2 children and your new partner so concentrate on that. Some people just don't like to see others happy and settled. He's probably unhappy with his own life. You can't force a friendship if he's prepared to ghost you like that - it doesn't sound like he was as good a friend as you thought he was 😔

Whatifthehokeycokey · 04/05/2024 18:40

Being ghosted by a close friend is even more hurtful than being ghosted by a boyfriend in my experience.

Maybe they got used to you being in the widow role, and you were the poor widowed friend in their heads, and they weren't actually pleased to see you happy? You do say your male friend likes drama. Maybe he saw himself in the hero man role/supportive man role and now he's been eclipsed by your partner so he's sulking about it.

Namenamchange · 04/05/2024 18:45

I wonder did you maintain contact? It’s great that you are achieving so much with your life and of course he should support you.
did you check in on him? And ask how his life was going?

Corally · 04/05/2024 18:46

I’d put money on it that your friend has feelings for you and is backing off because you’re engaged now so there’s no chance now.

The other friend is just bad timing and coincidence it’s two friends who aren’t in your life anymore.

I lost a very good friend when I found out he had feelings for me and I didn’t realise, we used to talk about everything and knew each other years. He waited until I was single to tell me how he felt and when I said I only saw him as a friend only he stopped being friends with me and blocked me on everything. I was incredibly upset at the time. It was such a shame, but I guess I was also lied to all that time.

Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2024 18:50

jobessieandme · 04/05/2024 13:52

Frankly the most likely explanation is jealousy. Maybe he likes having single female friends or maybe he's always harboured a crush on you. I doubt it's anything to do with your choice of current partner. It's the fact you have one at all.

I will get flamed for saying this but in my experience the vast majority of straight men have no interest in platonic friendships with women a decade younger than them. I have many platonic male friends but they're all my own age and mostly happily married.

I agree completely.

This guy likes you being there reliant on him and waiting for his opinions and for him to be some kind of wise and supportive presence. He probably fooled himself that you were yearning for him.

Honestly, you won’t get a straight answer from him.

The baby was nail in the coffin of his fantasy that your fiancé was Just filling time until you came to your senses.

Stainglasses · 04/05/2024 18:59

jobessieandme · 04/05/2024 13:52

Frankly the most likely explanation is jealousy. Maybe he likes having single female friends or maybe he's always harboured a crush on you. I doubt it's anything to do with your choice of current partner. It's the fact you have one at all.

I will get flamed for saying this but in my experience the vast majority of straight men have no interest in platonic friendships with women a decade younger than them. I have many platonic male friends but they're all my own age and mostly happily married.

Agree with this. Also don’t think platonic friendships between men and women are very often real. Found that out myself!

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 04/05/2024 19:57

I think male friend is jealous that you have found a good partner and are happy and your new baby and he cannot see you as it probably hurts so much. The other friend just sounds nuts so it is not you.
You are a good person who has found happiness and it puts others out if their life is not going well. Enjoy your happiness and do not give a thought to those people who are off with you. If you really care for your friend then drop then a card and tell them you and your partner want him in your lives. How is your partner with your friend. If he does not reply just leave it as nothing you can do.

30yearoldvirgin · 04/05/2024 20:07

In this a fake post? What was a 25 year old man doing being best friends with a 16 year old girl?!

Sarkycat2 · 04/05/2024 21:31

a similar thing happened to me. One of my friends admitted she was just jealous I had found happiness after a shit show of a run with relationships that clearly kept people entertained or something. I now think people only stuck around because they enjoyed seeing me struggling and once I was genuinely happy they got scared off because their lives didn’t look as perfect or something because I know for certain didn’t do anything differently. Also rushed into things with a long time friend, we were pregnant and married within a year. Still happy now after 7 years and 2 kids later. Also a wonderful step dad. I dont really have many friends left now 1 or 2 is all I need.

AnnoyinglyOptimistic · 04/05/2024 23:44

A very similar thing happened to me. In the space of 3 months I lost two of my closest friends (11 year and 8 year relationships respectively). All coincided with me making major changes in my life with a new partner after a really difficult period during which the female friend seemed to relish the fact things weren't going well for me as she often felt the world was against her and my struggles were almost a distraction from her own. When I began to turn things around, both by myself initially and then with the help of my new partner, there was a lot of negativity and unsolicited advice about almost every decision I was making.

The male friend (no romantic feelings as I am firmly not his type!) simply began to low level ghost me, then reappear when he needed emotional support, then eventually began ignoring me publicly as well as privately. When I finally pulled him up for it, I was told he was no longer comfortable being my friend. It coincided with me not being as available as I once was (emotionally and geographically) and I think my purpose had been served in the friendship, having helped him through a very difficult time when he had nobody else to turn to.

I'm sure both (having struck up a short term close friendship with each other after distancing themselves from me, which has subsequently fallen apart) blamed my new partner/felt I was rushing things/believed I had changed for the worse and I spent a lot of time blaming myself and questioning what I had done wrong to deserve some of the treatment I was subjected to before drawing a line under both friendships.

Ultimately we had drifted apart and I think from both sides, we no longer felt compatible with each other. I also prioritised myself for the first time in a very long time and I know that possibly came across as selfish. However my family and other longer (and shorter) term friends did not behave in this way and were entirely supportive of the changes I was making in my life so I chalked it up to experience.

It sucks, but you'll get over it. You can only control so many things in your life so focus on them. Your friend may come back to you, and he may not. That's out of your control sadly.

BargainaciousBargains · 05/05/2024 08:37

You talk about several ‘best’ friends, which I find unusual unless you’re naturally a follower and not particularly confident in yourself.

I’m wondering if you seemed a bit desperate and needy with them before you got engaged and maybe willing to do whatever they wanted at the drop of a hat, even when it was detrimental to yourself?

Maybe you’re no longer as compliant and they don’t like it and they’re trying to punish you?

The batshit friend demanding to know about your finances sounds deeply unpleasant and you’re right to not want anything more to do with her.

MzHz · 05/05/2024 11:53

I think that this guy is judging you @sweetpea2023

for not settling into the Good Widow role he’d carved out in his head for you.

the joke is, we ALL know men move on really bloody quickly when they lose their spouses. Women however are supposed to just consign themselves to a lifetime of black clothes and veils.

this guy ISNT a friend @sweetpea2023 he really isn’t. He should want to see you happy.

let him go, drop the rope. Life is too hard to put up with people who don’t want to see you happy because their opinion on how you’re living isn’t matching their expectations of how they want you to live.

willWillSmithsmith · 05/05/2024 12:28

30yearoldvirgin · 04/05/2024 20:07

In this a fake post? What was a 25 year old man doing being best friends with a 16 year old girl?!

Yeah this doesn’t sound right at all and OP hasn’t offered up an explanation.

ItsVeryHyacinthBucket · 05/05/2024 12:35

I’ve been ghosted by two “best friends” (top
10 anyway) in the past, and I never found out their reasons why, but what I’ve learned is:

  • people who ghost are cowards who can’t face having a frank adult conversation
  • people who ghost tend to be very sad, small, pathetic
  • people who ghost expect everything to be about them, they truly think they are the most important in any situation (narcissistic)
  • people who ghost can’t bear their friends growing, moving on or being happy
Katbum · 05/05/2024 13:35

When I was in my mid 30s I also lost a lot of long-standing friendships after I made positive changes in my life. I think people want to be able to have a certain narrative about themselves and their relationships and when the dynamic changes they often don’t like it. And when you are unhappy you often put up with more bullshit and when you decide ‘no more’ people take their bullshit and leave.

krustykittens · 05/05/2024 16:35

Katbum · 05/05/2024 13:35

When I was in my mid 30s I also lost a lot of long-standing friendships after I made positive changes in my life. I think people want to be able to have a certain narrative about themselves and their relationships and when the dynamic changes they often don’t like it. And when you are unhappy you often put up with more bullshit and when you decide ‘no more’ people take their bullshit and leave.

This. I had what I thought was a really good friend, she was a rock through some bad times. What I discovered during good times was that she wasn’t really interested, at best, and would stir shit to create drama, at worst. She was only happy when we were all single women unlucky in love, living out some Sex and the City fantasy. She hated it when we started finding partners and having families. Told me to abort my planned pregnancy as it would ruin my career. She told me her friends were number one in her life and she hated that my daughter had become my priority. Let these friends go, they are not worth the bullshit they bring.