Am I the only one struggling with gentle parenting?

[aggielocke]

As someone who was raised by militant parents I really wanted to raise my child differently. I have a really rocky relationship with my parents now due to strict rules, unfair arguments and horrible punishments.

So when I had my DS I wanted things to be different. I wanted to be like Miss Honey from Matilda but my god it is hard! I swear I mostly look like Trunchbull these days.

DS is going through his terrible 2s and I am exhausted. He is constantly screaming, wailing (without tears) and sometimes picks fights with me by being a little violent.

He's also started the "why?" game, where I ask him to do something or explain something and he just keeps asking "why?" and I'm so close to pulling my hair out.

I don't want to shout at the guy because I know it's just a rough phase and he is my baby. But gentle parenting can be difficult when I'm constantly frustrated.

Any tips?
(Also I do gentle parenting, not permissive parenting. I tell him off and set strict boundaries I just am struggling not to yell or be visibly angry)

Do your best. Be kind and fair - but firm.
We have 3 children and never worked out the trend gentle parenting 100%. I agree in a lot of the ideas but not all of it. And make my own way of it.

Well every child is different. You can't impose a parenting strategy from a box and expect it to work on every child. You have to respond to the needs and personality of the individual person you are raising. Some kids will just not do well with certain techniques/ responses, where others will.

Some kids are more feisty than others and will push boundaries more, and need firmer pushback from parents to feel safe and secure. That's not to say shout or get angry, but some children need parents to be a bit firmer, where others don't.

Also though, go easier on yourself. Kids are annoying sometimes. It's pretty normal to want to pull your hair out after being asked 'why' for the 10,000th time that day.

Just remember that yelling at him would not actually help anything anyway!

If you need to, walk away to another room if you feel like you are losing your temper and use whatever strategy you have for calming yourself down.

What kinds of things is he screaming and yelling about? Twos are hard but there could be underlying factors (e.g. overtired, too much sugar) which could be exacerbating things.

It's hard, hang in there it gets better. I admire your commitment to being a different parent from your own parents.

Remember that it's a rare parent that lives up to the ideals of gentle parenting 100% of the time.

This meme always makes me laugh, it is true though that sometimes you have to adjust your parenting approach according to the child you have. Maybe read a few different parenting books (Calmer Easier Happier Parenting is a good one) to find an approach that works for you.

Other than that, I also have a two year old and it helps a lot to try to take it all in good humour and remember that this is a phase that doesn't last forever. I realise this is easier said than done especially with your first child. But it does tend to shorten the tantrums here.

When my DGS kept asking why? I turned it into a game and smiled and called him 'DGSwhy' which made him laugh. After a while he stopped!

The best way to parent is to tread a sensible middle line through it all. Firm and clear when you need to be, relaxed and easygoing at other times. You do a child no favours at all by not having boundaries, expected standards of behaviour or by being completely wet.

I found it useful to remind myself that my DC were displaying normal toddler behaviour (eg the why? phase is completely developmentally normal), not deliberately trying to annoy me.

In your case OP you are fighting against your childhood - when we are stressed or cross or tired we all tend to revert towards the familiar. You might find Philippa Perry's book useful - The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read.

Gentle parenting is hard. Especially when it is so different to how you were raised. But that's why you do it, you force yourself to keep your emotions in check so when he's an adult he doesn't have to struggle the same way.

Its hard. Do your best. Apologise when you lose your cool. All you can do is do your best. It will get easier, you will gain control of your emotions as he does his.

Depends on the child but DD responded really well to humour and silliness. To the 'whys' start off with the appropriate answer then escalate to silly but fun.
Gentle parenting works with strong boundaries. But you do have to adapt to what suits your child best.

There is a balance. Gentle parenting doesn't mean no boundaries, and sometimes these require strong enforcement. Shouting occasionally will do no harm whatsoever - they are experts at pushing your buttons and we've all been there. The 'why' thing - respond consistently to pointless 'why's with 'why do you think?' We found this put a stop to it quite quickly!

Why not? was my stock answer to the constant whys?

I hear you with the whys, but might it help to remember him asking why is a great sign of intelligence and natural curiosity? It would be worse if he was sitting like a too-passive potato all day! Draining though!

I can always spot well meaning gentle parents a mile away. The kids are not the best behaved.

Be firm, be fair and be kind to both yourself and your DC.

You have to set boundaries, it's actually really important. I am a montessori teacher and you can offer a child a lot of freedom within a framework, but we all set firm rules surrounding our expectations (especially with regard to conduct and courtesy). As a PP said, shouting won't achieve much, but by remaining consistently firm, everyone will flourish.

Good luck!!!

Yup, this. In spades. I worked in nurseries and schools, you could tell which kids had parents who did "gentle parenting". They are horrors now at going on 10 years old+.

Remember there's also a difference between shouting, and having a firm "mum" (or dad of course!) voice.

I could stop my DS in his tracks with my mum voice. It was stern and firm, but not shouty. Very useful if he was about to do something dangerous!

Children need to hear a difference in your tone if you are being serious and mean business! It's no use constantly talking to them in the same tone.

I also don't believe in negotiating with or over explaining things to children. They'll just run rings around you (the constant "why?)!). You can explain once and then it's happening, if it's a non negotiable. Don't get into long winded conversations about everything, children love a delaying tactic!

Echoing the firm but fair approach as per PPs.

I have a 2 and a half year old and I don't like the term gentle parenting. I'm not gentle, I'm firm and set consistent, fair boundaries. Best advice I heard was from Bratbusterparenting: "be calm in the storms and crazy in the rainbows."

So when they've lost control, as toddlers do, you have to be completely calm and stick to the boundaries and consequences. Shouting undoes all your hard work. But when they're having fun you should be having fun with them at their level and being all silly with them. Play is their love language.

When I have occasionally lost my temper and shouted, we immediately cuddle and I apologise to fix it. I say "mummy is sorry. It's not nice to shout and we shouldn't shout at people." You have to own the apology, not say "I'm sorry I shouted, but it's because you did xyz." This led to him apologising of his own accord for shouting at me last week which was lovely and reminded me that even though I make make mistakes (I'm only human!), I'm modelling how we sincerely apologise to others and resolve situations.

Work on your inner child. You know how it felt when your parents shut you down and didn't make you feel heard? Or told you to be quiet when you were struggling with big emotions. Keep in mind that he needs you to be regulated before approaching him so take a min to compose yourself before you assess the situation. Big feelings are OK, hitting etc is not so tell him you'll wait until he's ready for a cuddle and to talk about why he's upset. Mindfulness and breath work can help you x

If you want him to do things at that age make it a game, go Mary Poppins, it becomes more fun for you too and eventually becomes second nature. Getting ready (and just about everything else) becomes a race of who can do it quickest.

Your parents got angry and shouted at you, it's a hard wired response and most of us have it but maybe it's trickier for you because it's what you were taught and is your brains instant response. I have to walk away frequently. Have a look at emotional literacy/emotional communication on Instagram, their are some useful accounts.

If you were raised by shouty parents it can be really difficult to break that cycle when we weren't taught how to regulate ourselves. It is really hard and I think many people struggle. I definitely lose my cool. However, unlike my own parents I always apologise to my children. I do take deep breaths and I try to actively teach them ways to regulate (like breathing) even though I find it hard myself.

Remember - it is difficult breaking a cycle.

More people not really understanding gentle parenting 🙄 done properly, gentle parenting is actually firmer than most of us muddling through. There is no giving in to whining for more time in the park etc! It’s just acknowledging that they’re sad when they do have to leave.

Gentle parenting is fine to an extent, but u less you want to end up with one of the kids who have no boundaries and do exactly what they want regardless of the people around them, you need to grow a backbone. You’re not raising a chikd, you’re raising a person. They will be the result of your parenting. Make it strong.

Kids need boundaries, it is better when they clearly know what's expected of them.

I don't do gentle parenting, but I also don't shout. I am firm and fair, and he respects me. We have a fun-loving house with clear rules and expectations.

His manners and behaviour have always been commented on and how much he laughs. Rules don't make a sad house they make a happier house as everyone knows where they are at.

A friend does gentle parenting- her daughter had no respect for her as she is allowed to do whatever and let to learn herself by her behaviour or some tosh like that. My friend is constantly stresses with her DD - but she doesn't have any boundaries so it's not her daughters fault. She is now in school struggling to make friends still in year 1 as she just always wants it her way. Sad really although that might not all be down to gentle parenting.

You can't role-play Miss Honey for the next 18 years. You'll be exhausted. Be yourself. Rather than try to be 'gentle', choose strategies that work for you. At your son's age I found the How To Talk book really worked for me (your mileage may vary) and I still use some of those strategies now with my grown-up children.

I have never shouted at or punished my children. They have always been very well behaved. I have always treated them with respect, listened to them, accommodated their views, and taken them seriously as people. This did not mean turning myself into a doormat or letting them do whatever they wanted. They have grown up knowing that I am a person too and I like to be treated with respect and kindness, that sometimes I make mistakes and that's okay. We apologise to each other when we get things wrong. Our relationship is a blueprint for how they should treat others as they move through the world, and how they should expect to be treated,

I'm the adult, and I'm ultimately in charge, but that doesn't mean I'm a dictator overlord - just that I'm in charge of teaching them, guiding them, helping them to become assured, resilient and confident people who know how to make good decisions and how to get help if they need it. I only step in when their decisions have poor consequences that their developing brains are unable to foresee - and I explain that. And they trust me on that.

I do want to add though that it depends on the child too. I didn't treat my three all the same, and my youngest was sent to test my theories!!