Am I the only one struggling with gentle parenting?

[aggielocke]

As someone who was raised by militant parents I really wanted to raise my child differently. I have a really rocky relationship with my parents now due to strict rules, unfair arguments and horrible punishments.

So when I had my DS I wanted things to be different. I wanted to be like Miss Honey from Matilda but my god it is hard! I swear I mostly look like Trunchbull these days.

DS is going through his terrible 2s and I am exhausted. He is constantly screaming, wailing (without tears) and sometimes picks fights with me by being a little violent.

He's also started the "why?" game, where I ask him to do something or explain something and he just keeps asking "why?" and I'm so close to pulling my hair out.

I don't want to shout at the guy because I know it's just a rough phase and he is my baby. But gentle parenting can be difficult when I'm constantly frustrated.

Any tips?
(Also I do gentle parenting, not permissive parenting. I tell him off and set strict boundaries I just am struggling not to yell or be visibly angry)

What do you do when he is being violent ? Just remember that very soon he will go to school and no doubt another child will belt him if he is violent towards them. And why should the either the staff or children have to deal with your out of control child ? You need to find the middle of the road or you will end up with a nightmare child.

I hope I was gentle and kind with my children. My eldest was a Why Boy, not out of rudeness, he was genuinely interested in reasons. I made him a list of grown ups with their phone numbers, when he asked why I would say " I am not entirely sure. I wonder if someone on the list will know? " I would read the list and he would pick someone to call ( usually my dad), I would dial for him and he would ask the question. I think it is a good thing for children to be able to find information and ideas from more than one person. The few minutes he was on the phone I often had time to make a cuppa and have a peaceful wee, win win! 🙂

My response to the constant whys was an appropriate answer to the initial question promptly followed with “why are you asking?” Sorted it almost every time…

‘Telling him off’ isn’t gentle parenting though? It’s fine not to label your parenting style as anything though. Toddlers can be challenging, don’t be too hard on yourself

Don't be too harsh on yourself. It sounds like your parenting is nothing like that of your own parents, despite the fact you do tell him off. It's not possible to be gentle 100% of the time and it sounds like you have a happy medium.

I don't think you should feel too bad or like you're repeating the mistakes. Militant punishment and shouting a little bit when a child is acting up are worlds apart.

I don't know why everyone is so into not smacking, not shouting, not being angry, not being annoyed. You're not a robot and the lesson your kid learns from seeing you lose your temper is valuable. Because guess what, he'll meet violent people all his life and it's really a life saver skill to sense when you've pushed someone too far. Learning not to enrage your parents is where you start. It doesn't mean you have to implement a regime of extreme rules and punishment, just allow your emotions and feelings to be part of his learning too.

You're finding it tough because of how you were raised. So this is new to you, you're having to resist just copying the patterns from your own childhood. You sound like you're doing so well. I think having greater empathy for his two year old mindset would really help you feel more relaxed about him pushing the boundaries. I really recommend Phillippa Perry 'The book you wish your parents had read' for this.

Great thread and some great replies compared with usually when someone mentions gentle parenting!
My 2p is that the important thing about gentle parenting is not to follow a formula, you are creating a relationship between two people, yourself and your child, you are not a robot trying to do everything perfectly. Your child needs a parent to show them how to navigate the world.
So focus on monitoring your own emotions, and respond accordingly. If you are calm and relaxed then mess around, play and enjoy long and pointless conversations about why this why that.
And when you are busy/stressed/rushed then you have to notice that and completely change gear, you still have to be clear but suddenly the timer comes out to set a time limit for dinner/bath time/etc and you have to be clear that there's no time to mess around. Your child will pick up on that in time, but either way you'll stick to it.
You are also monitoring your child's feelings in the background and adjusting your approach slightly but overall it's a put your mask on before helping your child situation.
Then on top of the daily rhythm you need to keep a high level eye on the overall balance. If you are all getting stressed every day then try to make some changes in life to improve that if you can. If every day is fun and games then crack on.
There's no magic formula or script for being yourself, being your family, and having the relationship that is authentic to yourself and your child! But you can have a jolly good go, and try to have fun while doing it.
Good luck.

Be firm. Don’t shout but if you have to switch the tone of your voice and add some column, so that they know you are no longer messing around - do it.

Also from my experience parenting a 2 year old and an 8 year old is completely different with gentle parenting as you can have conversations with them when they are older and they understand - whereas at 2 I remember being more assertive and giving choices if I wanted my DD to feel “in control” - as they say (e.g. pick between your 2 shoes, but you must wear shoes).

2 is a hard age though. Every child is different so I hope you find what works with/motivates your child.

Miss Honey is very very soft though! Too soft.

You don't have to gentle parent 100% of the time. I tried in the beginning, it's impossible. There's only so many times you can ask nicely to put your clothes on when you need to get out the door. I also realised over time, some of it is utter rubbish (like not telling your kids you're proud of them...of course kids need to hear that. Nor teaching them to say sorry / thank you / please).

You can't be perfect. Do your best, take the aspects of gentle parenting that suit you and your children, ignore the rest/ apply a different method.

I would add to the above, don’t be afraid to be yourself - authenticity is really important in a relationship. It’s not use pretending you’re absolutely fine when you’re at your wits end. That’s helpful feedback for your kid.

Also, what you’re experiencing is 100% normal. 2 year olds do drive you mad.

Gentle is meant to be respectful and filled with dignity . You don't hit, yell, humiliate or are mean using hurtful words.
It doesn't mean masking your emotions and feeling and how his behaviour affect them. If you mask your feelings, you are faking it. No wonder you are struggling.

Just parent your child tbe way he needs not by following some manual.

Children asking ‘why?’ is an intellectual milestone. It demonstrates expected development, and in that respect, it is a good thing.

Perhaps if you view it like that, it’ll make the constant questions more tolerable. Your child is developing, it’s really not a game.

As for gentle parenting, forget it. Just parent to the best of your ability. Know sometimes you’ll get it right, sometimes you’ll get it wrong… but as long as you show your child love and try to be consistent and stable, there’s no need to put additional pressure on yourself.

I find gentle parenting MUCH easier with older children, you can have a genuine conversation about things and agree ways forward, and they can understand the whys of rules and boundaries. 2 -4 is a really tough age, they do push boundaries and they can be really annoying even though you love them! Don't beat yourself up, he won't remember this age anyway so if you occasionally lose your temperature that's ok, a lot of parents do. Try strategies for laughing it off, or going to a different room to calm down. I find it best not to engage on the "why why why" - I think you can kind of tell when it's a genuine question and when it's just a stalling tactic! Rewards work really well at this age so long as they're fairly immediate so try and get a bunch of stickers in and when it's a specifically challenging issue (for us it was shoes on) and I'd always say "whenever your shoes go on with no shouting or kicking it's sticker time"

Always remember what he is feeling is genuine, so I always try and acknowledge it, even when it is utterly insane!! You can sympathise without giving in to him or allowing the behaviour

He`s a baby really Just wait for the teen years.
Just do parenting how you think or want it done you dont need a book or to follow the crowd.
Children need to know that parents are human and we can get angry when pushed to the limits.
I never done gentle parenting to be fair i dont know what it is.
I was raising boys into men not raising boys into twats.
My sister took the very very very gentle route omg thats a whole other thread.

It's hard because it's pushing your buttons. You just need to recognise this. Friends and your partner can be really useful to vent on this. For toddlers, I used to turn mine upside down to reset him when he was being really annoying. It was a fun enough activity to move away from really annoying behaviours.

I'm a few more years down the line and my kid is wildly ungrateful and as annoying as this I am really proud of it. His reactions are pure. He doesn't temper his behaviour because he is scared or doesn't want to be a bother. He speaks up. He can express emotions. He talks to me. He's never known a parent to scream at him (well I have but not much!) or hit him or give him the silent treatment for three days. He's building resilience everyday. I'm not a permissive parent and I have rules but he can talk to me about why we have rules in place.

Ultimately I'm the adult so I control myself and I'm proud to be breaking a cycle.

Gentle parenting doesn’t mean children don’t have clear and firm boundaries. It also doesn’t mean they’re free from consequences -
both natural consequences (eg, you broke it because you were careless so we’re not replacing it) and parent given consequences (eg, you’ve been inappropriate on the internet so now you can’t have the iPad etc).
Miss Honey wasn’t afraid to be firm and fair because she loved the kids enough to think about their futures.
I was raised with gentle parenting and choose to gentle parent my children.

Yes, they meet violent people in life (hopefully not often and not too violent), but those people should not be family members or friends 🙄

I don’t know what the label ‘gentle parenting’ actually means. Does it mean having no boundaries? My youngest child is aged 42 later this year. I just parented, with boundaries and no violence. I never smacked, it’s completely unnecessary and potentially destructive. There were always boundaries though.

"I can always spot well meaning gentle parents a mile away. The kids are not the best behaved.

Be firm, be fair and be kind to both yourself and your DC.

You have to set boundaries, it's actually really important. I am a montessori teacher and you can offer a child a lot of freedom within a framework, but we all set firm rules surrounding our expectations (especially with regard to conduct and courtesy). As a PP said, shouting won't achieve much, but by remaining consistently firm, everyone will flourish.

Good luck!!!"

'Yup, this. In spades. I worked in nurseries and schools, you could tell which kids had parents who did "gentle parenting". They are horrors now at going on 10 years old+.'

Then you've experience children that had permissive parents, not gentle parents. Children that are parented respectfully still have boundaries and don't just what ever they want all the time. It's very tedious to hear childcare professionals not understanding the difference between 'gentle' and permissive.

It’s fine to look angry. Children need to realise parents aren’t emotionless support humans, they are people with their own emotions and needs and will not like being treated badly. Gentle parenting is damaging because it leaves them thinking they’re the only ones who experience negative feelings and everyone else around them are fleshy robots. It’s part of healthy human communication to read facial expressions, if they’re not there then there’s nothing for them to ‘read’ and they’re somewhat
emotionally grey rocked.

Just raise your voice a little and be firm.

On paper no, but in practical terms every parent I have met who ‘gentle parents’ has shockingly behaved children who are actually rather unhappy. It’s like it’s a good theory that for whatever reason just doesn’t translate into reality.

I only had one child and she was too easy but I had a co-worker who had two children, a son and daughter, and she said they required different parenting styles. Her daughter would respond to verbal corrections while her son needed a wooden spoon on the bottom, on occasion. She was not a heavy-handed parent. Just use good sense.

I think we all navigate parenting differently. Some people tolerate behaviour that drives me crazy. Some people are very aggressive shouty parents. After 3 kids of my own my nugget of wisdom would be this: kids need boundaries. They need routine. They need to know you are in charge. Ideally you can talk/reason with explain the what/ why/where. But equally sometimes they just need to do as they are told.
All parents make mistakes, feel guilty and are judged by others. It’s a bloody difficult job but the rewards are worth it! Good luck 😉