Am I the only one struggling with gentle parenting?

[aggielocke]

As someone who was raised by militant parents I really wanted to raise my child differently. I have a really rocky relationship with my parents now due to strict rules, unfair arguments and horrible punishments.

So when I had my DS I wanted things to be different. I wanted to be like Miss Honey from Matilda but my god it is hard! I swear I mostly look like Trunchbull these days.

DS is going through his terrible 2s and I am exhausted. He is constantly screaming, wailing (without tears) and sometimes picks fights with me by being a little violent.

He's also started the "why?" game, where I ask him to do something or explain something and he just keeps asking "why?" and I'm so close to pulling my hair out.

I don't want to shout at the guy because I know it's just a rough phase and he is my baby. But gentle parenting can be difficult when I'm constantly frustrated.

Any tips?
(Also I do gentle parenting, not permissive parenting. I tell him off and set strict boundaries I just am struggling not to yell or be visibly angry)

I understand the ultimate 'gentle parenting' is that you're able to react to those situations in a rational manner because you've mastered emotional regulation for yourself. There will always be moments where a shout is appropriate, like a child running into traffic, but I think GP reserves shouting for those (hopefully) rare emergencies.

However, definitely not like that in my house. So I also appreciate the methods of making amends when you've snapped over something more minor, because being asked something 20bn times is irritating but rather than taking a breath and saying calmly that it's frustrating you to be nagged like that you snap... because you're human. DC is also human, and will also snap, so you've modelled how to make amends and get back to a feeling of calm..

That's my understanding anyway!

I don't think gentle parenting really works. Children need an adult to direct them & they need firm boundaries. That doesn't mean shouting. We almost never shouted at ours when they were little & don't shout now they are teenagers. However if they were doing something wrong they would be told not to/removed/sat on step for 2 mins.

I think they are confused by gentle parenting. I don't think the children end up especially well behaved.

But I think it is rational to snap if you’re giving an instruction and being ignored and you’ve got to get out the house on time or whatever. It’s certainly the reaction they can expect from other people if they behave like that. Naming an emotion without actually expressing it seems more likely to just limit their ability to recognise it when they need to. They know exactly what it means when you shout their name in an irritated voice (which they’ll hear if they don’t listen at school) and most of the time that works pretty well IME, but obviously that tip doesn’t sell too many books.

I’d recommend reading the book ‘What every parent needs to know’. When you understand how a child’s brain develops (what their level of understanding and emotional regulation is) it’s much easier to remain calm when parenting. However, you are only human and bound to lose your patience sometimes - we all do it!

I completely agree. We are all human. We all lose our shit sometimes. We all shout occasionally. (Except the automatons among us. I mean, seriously? You’ve never once shouted at your child? - guess it might be slightly easier if you only have two years of experience with one golden child, but even so).

The absolutely crucial bit, and the most important learning part, is what is known as ‘rupture and repair’. Your child discovers that they have humans as parents, not robots. That sometimes these parents are tired and irritable and have other shit going on in their lives which means they might not respond how a gentle parenting text book has told them how to respond.

But then they pause or go back later and apologise and explain their own emotions to their child. This obviously becomes much easier as the child gets older and means you can have a much healthier working relationship. It’s all about being ‘good enough’ not perfect.

Unfortunately I have to agree that all the children I’ve met, as both a teacher and a wellbeing specialist, who have had very robot-like parents who are determined not to shout and give away very little emotion, really struggle with managing their own feelings and find it hard to stay within the boundaries of acceptable behaviour.

Would also love to hear from the gentle parents of 3 or more children who very calmly and consistently manage to deal with every tantrum, instruction-ignoring or argument without once getting stressed themselves.

There seems to be a lot of good advice from parents with just one child. There’s a great parenting book by Philippa Perry ‘The book you wish your parents had read’ which is full of all kinds of great advice and I really believe in the heart of the book. However, it’s filled with personal anecdotes from Philippa about what she would do with her daughter if she was refusing to do something etc. “We’d sit down and watch the ants together” or something like that. Which is all really lovely and achievable if you have ONE child. However if the other one is busy cutting her hair with scissors while the third is climbing on a chair trying to get a biscuit, you can’t stop to watch f&cking ants.

Choose your own game mode and play it. People and books will give endless advice and tips but ultimately it’s your world and your family and you will find your own way. And I 100% guarantee it will be different to everybody else’s.

Totally. Also, I think having more than one kid demonstrates how relatively little input in shaping your child’s personality you actually have.

Maybe. And if that works for you then you do you?

I personally don't like how I feel when I snap, I don't like getting irate, I don't like having my heart rate increase etc. I prefer my life when I am calm. So yeah, other people might react like that and the kids might learn that different situations treat them differently, doesn't mean I need to lose my cool with them just to show them it might happen sometimes. If you went to the extreme with that example they're likely to experience bullies at some point in their lives, I don't need to be one in order that they've experienced it at home before the world provides it for them.

Well yeah, I don’t think anyone enjoys feeling irate. But it’s generally involuntary when someone’s a pain in the arse, which is why I want my kids to learn not to be primarily from us, so they don’t have to start from scratch being taught it by other people who have a lot less time and love for them than we do (which is everyone). And it’s neither extreme nor bullying to get annoyed with your kids and let them know about it when they’re being annoying, nor will it be bullying for their teachers or friends to do the same.

Absolutely!! But yelling isn't the only way to tell someone they're being a pain in the arse. I can irritably yell ARGHH YOU'RE BEING ANNOYING RIGHT NOW!!!! or I can calmly say 'I am feeling irritated! my heart is going quickly and I feel ready to YELL at you. It's annoying to be asked something a hundred times. I don't want to hear that anymore, I'd like to hear 'x' instead. Still gets the message across imo. I totally do both of these things, just saying I think the goal of gentle parenting is to largely do the latter rather than the former and model emotional regulation.

I spent a lot of time with families when I lived in Asia. I don't think I saw anyone get angry, ever, and the kids I met were some of the most well behaved I've ever seen.

Also wasn't saying getting annoyed is bullying btw. Just taking the point of 'people will find them annoying sometimes and react in a certain way' to an extreme. Probably not helpfully though 😂 spent too much time with DH, he loves taking the role of devils advocate.

love love LOVE this response!

Can you come and be the voice on my shoulder please?

Just curious why there’s comments where people have said ‘can spot gentle parented kids a mile off as turn out to be misbehavers’
how about - these kids were and are NOT gentle parented? Ever thought about that? lol what a stupid statement, unless you clearly know this information by the parents telling you this, then it means nothing!
gentle parenting does not raise ‘naughty’ kids, people do not understand it’s not about raising little people to do whatever the hell they want because you just want to be gentle - you still tell your child what is wrong.

i don’t know if anyone has asked this but does your 2 year old watch a lot of tv/screen time iPad etc.? This can massively impact behaviour.

My daughter is now nearly 4 but the 2s was fine, I limit tv, choose slow paced shows I.e giant jack, puffin rock, bluey, jojo and gran gran so not to overstimulate her or for her to be ‘zombie’ like watching tv and no iPad.

or sometimes it just the kids temperament and remember, most things are a phase that passes!

I know what you mean about wanting to be more Miss Honey than Miss Trunchbull I would have once described myself as a "gentle parent" as I do like a lot of the approaches I see labelled as this.

I don't use the term gentle parenting any more because I think it's too confusing as everyone has a different definition and a quite emotional reaction to it which gets distracting and it's not very helpful IMO. Also, I think a lot of parenting advice online (especially social media) is too extreme and not nuanced enough. If your main aim is not to be shouty and angry, then you don't necessarily need "gentle parenting specific" resources - any modern, up to date parenting advice will focus more on positive techniques and connection over punishment or intimidation.

I've just mentioned When Your Kids Push Your Buttons on another thread and the poster said she had found it on kindle for 99p - this is well worth a pound! It's good both for helping you figure out your childhood stuff and also helping you keep your cool and approach situations in the moment with DC. I thought it was like therapy in a book when I read it.

I also really really love the How To Talk books - these are brilliant although you won't be able to use everything with a two year old. And everything by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson is absolutely brilliant. I've read a LOT of parenting books - over 50 I think - and these three (buttons/HTT/anything by Dan & Tina) are far and beyond the best.

I think it helps to try and understand their stage of development a bit as well. I don't have a good book for this as I've sort of just learnt it by being around a lot of children. But two year olds - their "why" isn't questioning your authority, it's not really literal, it's more curious/they sometimes use it just to extend a conversation because they like talking but they don't really know how to have a conversation yet. Also I do think it is a good habit to get into to explain rules to children, especially if they ask. But in general, any verbal technique, whether it's an instruction you're hoping they will follow, reasoning, or an appeal to empathy - this is all destined to fail with two year olds. If you've ever had a dog, I think dogs are a good proxy for 2-3 year olds. You wouldn't spend time reasoning or explaining to a dog or at least, you wouldn't expect it to work. You'd control the environment, keeping things that you don't want them to get into away, you encourage an incompatible/opposite behaviour (e.g. rather than punishing a dog for weeing indoors, you take them outside frequently and praise them when they wee outside - this approach works fantastically with toddlers for almost any behaviour). You keep direct commands to single words, realising that they won't understand a longer, wordier sentence, and you tire them out with a good walk every day

I had more to add, but my 2yo is having a nightmare about not being allowed to watch Mario so I will leave it there!

Thanks for your comment, it's lovely to read that it's helped you just before I go to bed! Some day I will manage to practice what I preach too :) have a nice day

OP you are really not alone. My first was fairly easy to “gentle parent”. My second? Another world entirely. She just turned 3 and I’m genuinely completely failing at the gentle parenting malarkey. I try really hard, but some days by the time I do the morning school run I’m already all out of patience and it only goes downhill from there. I find myself doing all the things I hate: shouting, threatening to take away toys, bribing for cooperation, etc. I could go on and on about this, but in short it’s exhausting and I really worry that she’s absorbing all the negative emotions and negative feedback. I try to make it better in other ways, but yeah, it’s a struggle. I tell myself that if I really was a terrible parent I wouldn’t care about any of this, so there is that. But it’s still hard. Hang in there OP. I’m sure there’s a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere!

To be honest, I always thought I was a gentle parent (which is how I was also parented and I think I was parented very well on general and do now find I have certain emotional strengths and resilience as an adult thanks to it eg I was never given a timeout or sleeptrained). But reading up on some aspects of what you are meant to do as a "gentle parent", I know as a child I would have hated that and I don't think it's helpful. Eg if you have to go somewhere, the endless "oh you don't want to put your shoes on because you like playing" etc. Yes it's wonderful to validate but in the end you do have to go. And I don't think it's fair at all to a child to let their feelings delay everything and everyone. Yes their wanting to play is valid and important but overall they need to know the adults in their lives have got their back and will also help them get through their reluctance and inability to control their feelings. If they can't force themselves to leave there games and go, then you have to do it for them until they can. It's not cruel, it's the opposite. And even more so if they hurt another child. I can't see how there is room for "oh you are feeling angry" if your child hits another child. It's your job to stop them being being a bully. They rely on you for that. No child raised with normal human values would actually want to be a bully, just they are immature and get confused and do stupid things. We have to stop them. Their feelings about it at the time matter less than preventing another child being bullied and they should also learn that some feelings are not worth listening to eg the thrill of wanting to dominate and bully (which we all can feel).

I think you need to put your finger on what it is your think your parents got wrong, and why.

I don't think raised voices particularly are the worst thing, it's the feeling behind it of parents being out of control or not showing love or understanding of their children.

Within a loving, caring relationship the odd yell if you've had to say 'get your socks on' 50 times and they've still not done it - maybe not ideal but not damaging.

You can do performative sort-of shouting, like teachers do - clear and firm, maybe slightly raised voice, but still controlled and respectful.

Asking why is often just a way for the kid to ask for engagement with you. I used to pause and say 'let me think' then explain at length, to break the cycle, or say 'why do you think' etc. avoid short answers that can be followed by another question straight away.

Both miss Trunchbull and miss honey would be bad parents. Miss honey is pathologically un-angry. If she had been, she wouldn't have stayed teaching in the school and living in a hovel. Anger can be useful. A child growing up with miss honey would think any dark but normal feelings of anger, frustrating, jealousy etc were out of place and wrong.

I used hand in hand parenting when mine were young. What I liked about it was the acknowledgment that sometimes our kids big feels are totally unrelated to the events. We all know that. A toddler crying over a red spoon isn’t necessarily needing “oh you love that spoon” validation. Hand in hand also takes the view that sometimes children just need an outlet emotionally and it’s not bad for them to cry in those circumstances. There is also a lot more training in how to set limits respectfully but as the one in charge and calmly. Finally, it prioritises parental wellbeing. The idea that we need to feel listened to in order that we can have space to cope with our children’s feelings made sense to me.

I don’t agree with every part of it but I’d really recommend it if you wanted to gentle parent but are feeling overwhelmed.

(Ps no involvement with it now. I just found it helpful. Not doing a sales pitch!)

Fuck that for a game of soldiers, frankly. Who’s got time for such navel gazing rubbish?

We are parents, not psychoanalysts. Most of us are doing an ok job, and yes, that includes the times when we shout at our kids.

I think some of the gentle parenting techniques can be just as abusive as a quick smack, with their tugging on the emotional blackmail heartstrings. Young children just don’t have the brainpower to understand sophisticated adult reasoning - which is what gentle parenting is. Understanding their behaviour comes later.

Stating the total obvious but your child did not get a parenting book when they were born, why would anyone assume the style they have decided on will match their child?