Am I the only one struggling with gentle parenting?

[aggielocke]

As someone who was raised by militant parents I really wanted to raise my child differently. I have a really rocky relationship with my parents now due to strict rules, unfair arguments and horrible punishments.

So when I had my DS I wanted things to be different. I wanted to be like Miss Honey from Matilda but my god it is hard! I swear I mostly look like Trunchbull these days.

DS is going through his terrible 2s and I am exhausted. He is constantly screaming, wailing (without tears) and sometimes picks fights with me by being a little violent.

He's also started the "why?" game, where I ask him to do something or explain something and he just keeps asking "why?" and I'm so close to pulling my hair out.

I don't want to shout at the guy because I know it's just a rough phase and he is my baby. But gentle parenting can be difficult when I'm constantly frustrated.

Any tips?
(Also I do gentle parenting, not permissive parenting. I tell him off and set strict boundaries I just am struggling not to yell or be visibly angry)

This is really sad. You are a teacher and you can't distinguish between gentle parenting and permissive parenting. Gentle parenting HAS boundaries while permissive parenting does not.

I found this really hard when mine were tiny. Honestly the thing that made a huge, huge difference to my patience levels was just making sure I got enough sleep. I am a night owl, but forcing myself to go to bed early meant I just wasn’t so irritated and could calmly set boundaries.

That picture is facts

Kind but firm wins the day.

one thing that worked wonders for my youngest ( and is now actually working fir my hormonal teenager) is recognising when they are over whelmed or stimulated - this isn’t actually being naughty but can look like they are being arses - When I see this I stop what I was doing and gave them a cuddle, roc them, back rub, smooth the hair to try and sooth their nervous system. Honestly it was a game changer and can stop the escalation of you eventually bollocking them.

Id also ( and I know this might raise a few eye brows) go back to babying him a bit. He might need that connection for a short while

What the actual fuck?

My son is a feisty child and can lash out when disregulated. The thing that has helped me hugely is Janet Lansbury's podcast- Unruffled. She has a huge catalogue of episodes dealing with a full spectrum of behaviour issues with really actionable advice that is gentle but boundaried and centered around being a strong but loving leader as a parent. One of her best tips i found has been the phrase "i wont let you...". EG when a kid is melting down about something and hitting, it's no use telling them not to hit as they r out of control in that moment and its putting the onus on them when they can't do it. By saying "i wont let you hit" and gently holding their hands/ blocking their hits/ picking them up and removing them from the situation, its showing them that you are in charge and they can rely on you to help them when they cant help themselves. I'm maybe not articulating this perfectly as trying to be brief but its really worth a look. Also Dr Becky, Good Inside.
Be kind to yourself, it sounds like you are doing a great job and the fact you are even reflecting on all this shows how you want to learn to be the best parent you can be- so you are already doing better than the parenting you had.

A wooden spoon on the bottom?? Are you for real with this post? 🤢

I never used a wooden spoon but she did but I don’t see a problem. I’m sure it was only a tap. She was a very nice mom; not abusive in any way.

How is using an object to hit your child not abusive?

I’m not going to keep this going but I do want to say, while I do not believe in hitting children, I understand parents who feel a gentle tap can reduce frustration for both the child and the parent. I don’t think you should let children scream themselves tired if a gentle tap will snap them out of whatever is causing the frustration. And only if the essential needs have been met. I never spanked my daughter, but I’ve seen high maintenance children who probably needed a firmer hand.

I never had a problem with the why aspect of those early years. How else are they are going to learn all the things that you otherwise do not discuss with them?

It was the disobedience and frequent breaking stuff that nearly sent me to the mental institute.

The problem with gentle parenting is that it teaches a child that the entire world revolves around them and nothing they ever do is bad or wrong. This indulgence is part of the reason we have a major behavioural problem and teacher shortage crisis in state schools right now.

Children won’t explode into a thousand pieces if a parent raises their voice once in a while. Children need to learn and experience sternness and disappointment to learn about boundaries and respect.

There's always one or two on these threads 🙄🙄🙄

Also it's quite funny you think hitting a child with a wooden spoon can be counted as a 'gentle tap' 😑😑🙄🙄🙄

I think "gentle parenting" is a bit of a misleading term. I find "reactive parenting" much more helpful. (It's still difficult, and the swishy haired smily mothers on tic toc posting the 96th take of their breakfast table video don't help!" For me, it's all about trying to maintain a dialogue with a child and letting them know that you understand what they're feeling-even if it's completely irrational. Also always pausing to think "I'm about to say no-but do I really need to? Could we go to the park now and the shop later? Does he really have to put his coat on?"

It is really REALLY tough to parent in a different way to your instincts. I have DS5 and DD2 and I'd say I'm 75% of the way there now. It became a lot easier when I started cutting myself some slack. I think I was striving to be this perfect Miss Honey 100% of the time and it's not who I am...maybe yet, or maybe forever. But, I'm trying, and I'm doing it! At the start it was some of the time, now it's most of the time, and that's an improvement. Maybe it'll take more than one generation to completely break the trauma cycle. Have kind of accepted that. The inner child in me needed some gentle treatment too, and to understand it's okay to be mad and jealous sometimes that my kids are getting understanding, communication and patience on a level that little me never got. I had therapy. It's been a really healing journey for me, and as a result I am a much calmer and more content person in every aspect of my life not just as a parent. That, plus seeing my older one practice patience and kindness with others, has been a hell of a motivator to continue.

A phrase which helped me to be kinder to myself was 'the next time i have to ask it will be a shouty ask'....then if the behaviour continued I kinda felt like they'd had a warning at least, and walked into it. I've not had to say that in a long long time with DS5. The almost threenager is just getting into her stride though. 'I can feel myself getting frustrated' is another helpful tool, you're modelling that you have a spectrum of feelings and all feelings are completely acceptable. It's how you deal with them that matters. 'Calmer, Happier, Easier Parenting' helped me. It gave me phrases like 'You seem FURIOUS!' when dealing with tantrums, which then became 'I feel FURIOUS! I'm going outside to breath until I calm down'. It's all modelling and communication. Can't tell you how empowering it was the first time my oldest took himself into the lounge telling us it was because he needed some space and to breathe.

It's seriously tough when they're toddlers driving you up the wall, and you're implementing something which feels alien to you even though you're motivated to do it. All I can say is I have now realised every step you take is building a foundation of the type of person you're hoping they become, and the type of relationship you're hoping to have with them. It'll be worth it.

Also a lot of gentle parenting is learning how to make amends. We can't be perfect all the time, sometimes we slip up and get angry, then we show how to apologise and explain feelings, and forgive each other. Plus forgiving yourself. I bet you're doing a way better job than you realise. But no arguments from me that it is HARD.

The first sentence is not true in my house. It teaches my children that all their emotions are acceptable, but how they deal with those emotions can be acceptable or unacceptable. i.e. it's okay to be mad, it's not okay to be mean. When we're mad we can....hit a pillow, go out for a stompy walk, run around the garden, take 10 deep breaths...whatever works for you. They still have boundaries, they still experience disappointment, but they have a parent there coaching them through it. The world can beat them down, the world can make them angry, I see it as my job to have taught them what they can do when those feelings hit.

Noone taught me to deal with my anger. I spent years thinking I was an awful person for even being angry. If I'd had had tools to process it maybe I wouldn't have punished myself and felt evil.

^ each child is different
Genuinely, gentle parenting won't work for some or at certain ages.
I've worked with hundreds of families and there are some where 'gentle parenting' is done but actually ends up just being no boundaries and parents as pushovers. Horrible consequences, in some ways just as harmful as those with overly strict boundaries in a different way.

Tread the middle path. Adapt and be reflexive, and also humble to the fact you can't get it right all of the time. Remember that you can apologise when you get things slightly wrong, and you are human too. You will be tired, sick, upset etc. children need to see that the adults around them can experience a range of emotions and be okay, and meet their needs.

@Screamingabdabz "The problem with gentle parenting is that it teaches a child that the entire world revolves around them and nothing they ever do is bad or wrong."

That's not gentle parenting. That's permissive parenting.

I would love to know what daily life actually looks like in the houses of people who apparently never shout look like, because the principles people describe around all emotions being acceptable etc never seem to bear any relation to the situations in which I end up shouting. I don’t shout at my 4yo for being emotional or tantrumming or whatever, I shout (or at least, snap) at her for having to be asked twenty seven thousand times to put her socks on, or holding a forkful of food in a completely different section of midair to the one her plate is under. I don’t know how you’d deal with that gently or why on earth you would want to.

Family Lives have some great free info online that might help.

One of the best things I learned is to ignore the bad and then immediately praise the good. Plus play with them lots but not parent lead play, child lead play, so you do exactly what they want. This sets up a great give and take relationship. If the child has a tantrum, ignore and then as soon as they stop, you start playing or interacting with them again. I know this doesn't work in all scenarios, but it does help a lot.

We do try really hard not to shout here - it just doesn't work at all and escalates everything. I'm not a shouty person by nature but obviously sometimes it happens, either through frustration (absolute solidarity on repeating 27,000 times) or alarm ("gaaaah get down from there!")

But ds would either get so hysterically upset at the loud noise (more so when he was a younger toddler) or nowadays at 4.5 he kind of "mirrors" our reaction. So if I react calmly, he's much more likely to be compliant and listen. If I do shout in the moment, he shouts back then it's more of a battle than it needs to be because we're both wound up.

I find a very firm, but calm voice works so much better. I take a deep breath and he sometimes does the same. I give a reason of why he can't do whatever it is, but keep it really short and simple. No really long winded explanations.

It may solve things in the moment but they never learn that they’ve done something wrong.

The difficulty in parenting a child of 2, is that if you are doing this for the first time, you only have experience of parenting a baby.

Babies are relatively straight forward. They have a need, they cry, you don't want them to cry, you fix it.

A 2 year old however, is not a baby. They don't just have needs, they have wants. There has to be a transition in the way you view their cries. Is it a need? Give them what they want? Is it them just not wanting to do what you have decided? Don't give in. They need to transition too and learn they don't get everything by crying now. It's tough on both parties, but if you are consistent you will get through it and they will learn to tow the line.

I do pick my battles, and I do offer comfort when they are upset about something, but they do still have to do what they are told.

Also the Why thing is completely normal and a way for them to learn about the world. They may have otherwise limited conversational ability but asking you why they can keep you engaged, learn new words or ways of explaining and understanding.

When you feel like you are going round in circles and have already explained the question to them, turn it back on them. "Why do you think we are getting in the car?" It gives them a chance to repeat some of the words you have given them.