Are we babying DD10

[wonderinglywondering]

We have 3 DC, our eldest is DD10. She has always been a lovely imaginative, sweet natured confident girl who loves reading, princesses/Barbie, she dances and has done drama since she was tiny. When she started school her primary was so small there were 7 children in the entire year, and all the kids played together and got on pretty well, as it was such a small group there were no cliques as such, DD had 1 best friend and together they enjoyed crafting, making up dances and filming them (not putting them online) dressing up, etc.

We've now moved and DD is in a slightly bigger school and has a nice circle of friends. She was bullied at first by the eldest and biggest girl, who dominated the whole group. Her parents allowed her a phone, unlimited internet access, TikTok, the lot. There were some really worrying incidents such as using sexually inappropriate language, claiming she had a 25 year old boyfriend. When this girl was around, we noticed DD becoming rude, stroppy, and no longer interested in her toys etc, which is fine, she is growing up. But she was very happy to get a Barbie house for her birthday, until she told the group including the bully, and the bully laughed and told her it was babyish.

She asked for skincare for Christmas, which I got her, some lovely stuff from a specific brand I found aimed at tween skin. I think it's a good idea to start taking care of your skin. She is always asking for her ears pierced - personally at 10 I would let her, but DH hates piercings so is dead against it. I have promised her we'll revisit it when she's at secondary school.

So anyway the bully has left and I've noticed DD is happily playing make-believe games and Barbies again. But it seems her friends are all much more mature. She came home in tears last week because at swimming they all use deodorant, and she doesn't. I explained she doesn't really need it until puberty but they all told her she should have started wearing it at age 8. She likes makeup, I let her wear coloured lip balm or gloss and occasionally a bit of eyeshadow, but I overheard one girl saying to her "I can't believe you don't know what contouring is"

All the girls have phones or ipads, and some have social media. So far DD has an ipad but she can only play games on it, I have allowed her Roblox and to play online with friends, so long as she gets their usernames at school and writes them down and adds them. She is not allowed to add anyone she doesn't know or accep requests. We check her ipad weekly. We do let her watch Youtube and she likes filming vlogs and fashion shows, but not allowed to upload it.

The girls have been asking if she can join their group chat. I am in two minds about this as I don't want her to be left out but don't want her online all the time and being told she's not got this or that.

She's also made it clear she still believes in Santa, and I think soon one of them will let her know the truth, because they won't realise she still believes!

This is way too long but essentially - should I just get her what her friends have and let her chat with them online etc? I worry she is getting laughed at, but I just can't understand why 10 year olds need deodorant, 15 step skincare routines, social media.

If you have read this far thank you. Moving has been so tough on DD and I just want her to be happy with a nice circle of friends, which these girls are, just different to us.

edited to remove some more outing details

No not allowing her access to social media that she is under age for is not babying her. I’m a teacher and have a year 5 age boy - I see in school all the time those who have access to WhatsApp and Snapchat etc and the issues it causes because they are not able to manage it well. Stay strong- she doesn’t need to know what contouring is etc.

I think it’s a really tricky age as there is so much difference in terms of maturity/puberty at this age. It’s hard as a parent too as you feel them pulling away. You can only do as you see fit, but I think it’s also hard at that age to not fit in because you don’t know the latest tik tok dance and being excludes as you weren’t in the chat. I don’t have the answers really but I feel your pain having a teenager myself.

My DD is not as old as yours yet, so I can’t speak from experience. I think I would err on the side of not giving in to anything she’s too young for. Nothing you’ve mentioned is necessarily age appropriate and some definitely is not (I don’t know how to contour and I’m almost 40!).

If her friends ask or make comments tell her to be honest: “my parents won’t allow it.” Not only is it true, but it’s not a reflection of how cool she is, rather how uncool (sorry) her parents are. I think it’s also important she doesn’t learn that giving in to peer pressure is the way to be accepted. Good luck!

She is too young for social media and group chats, although if you are allowing Roblox that’s plenty of freedom anyway. Experimenting with make up at her age is totally normal, and she should be allowed personal care items like deodorant if she wants them. It’s learning to control the right things. Refusing earrings because your DH hates them is stupid. She’s old enough to care for them and it’s not his body

Its a very difficult balancing game. Tween girls can be both lovely and nasty. I would suggest dedicated screen time. I trialled this with my son. It helps to navigate online as well as learning about time management. Let her use the iPad and join those group chats but tell her she can only go on it once homework is done and she needs to put it down before dinner. This allows her to begin getting into the online world without sinking too fast.

In terms of deodorant, skin care, piercings I think what you've done so far is great. Deodorant wise maybe just try getting her natural deodorant. Smells good and doesn't compromise the skin. These small changes can be great for her confidence.

Santa is a hard one, but it will happen. My son had it ruined by a friend. You've just got to remind her the holiday is still a magical time as its all about sharing love, presents and really good food.

Hope this helps!

There are something's that biologically differ, deodorant is needed by my now ten year old at 8.

Santa honestly I don't understand the leaving her a laughing stock, please tell her. Going on her peers this will make her a target at ten. Plus it's not near Xmas now.

Social media and the group chats by all means say no.

She may need deodorant and it won't do her any harm to start using it.

The rest of it sounds like the girls aren't a great peer group unfortunately. Some girls at that age are into that kind of thing and some aren't.

All of this, I know her friends will have this or that but allowing little kids to run round social media is imo irresponsible. Revisit when she's in secondary.

Oh get her deodorant or a body spray at least so she can start using it so when the time comes she's wearing it so it isn't an issue,

In my experience our kids grow up a little faster than we parents are ready for. She’s telling you she’s ready or curious to change although she’s not quite figured it all out. Let her try the easy things - deodorant, make up etc and she’ll prob get bored easily anyway. Stop her and she will simply do it and hide it from you which isn’t great

It’s hard getting the right balance…..my DCs 5 and 8 both know what contouring is because they watch their mum put make up on ….the 8 year old is into skin care….asks for the sol de janerio brand ( because that’s what her friends at school have) . 8 year old wears ( minimal) make up to parties etc and is getting quite good at putting it on.
both girls love jewellery ….both have Pandora bracelets and rings
my GDs both have their ears pierced … ….that down to parental choice and maturity of child to manage the care….. 5 year old still can’t change her own ear rings …but 8 year old is fine to manage this.
the 8 year old still believes in Sana and tooth fairy and Easter bunny!
no social media but 8 year old obsessed with TikTok….watches with her mum ( age appropriate stuff) …..but this seems to be a biggie….because both girls always know the latest TikTok dance crazes and do them with their friends at school
both girls have their own iPads and watch you tube ….their mum has controls over what they watch.
end of the day…it’s your call….but pick your battles

Pick your battles. I would relent on the deodorant because honestly who cares if it helps her fit in and lots of 10YOs do really need it even if she doesn’t yet. Also the ear piercing because at 10 she can look after them herself and it’s her body not DH’s who is frankly being really weird about it. You also should tell her about Santa and do it now so it doesn’t come from her friends in the run up to Christmas which could ruin celebrations and also just really embarrass her. Social media is a tough one but I think you’re handling that well and if there’s a point to stay firm on then that’s definitely it.

I think she should be allowed personal care items such as deodorant. Your DH also doesn't control your daughters body, she's allowed to want to get her ears pierced.

I think the other stuff is fine though, you're being cautious and protecting her.

I think at ten they're kind of all grown up and babies at the same time. They want to exist in both worlds. I'd let her have some deodorant if she wants (but explain what it's for and that she doesn't actually need it yet), make-up to mess around with etc. I wouldn't budge on social media or a phone though. Ten is quite old to believe in Santa so you might want to gently hint to her on that one!

I think you are doing OK, op, with a couple of exceptions.

10 is not too young to start using a deodorant. You can buy her a skin-friendly one. I remember using one at that age and I am in my seventies. Its not all about when periods start, mine started at 13. There were a few smelly kids around at my school and no way did I want to be one of them.

As for Santa, I've never come across a ten year who believes in the myth though I daresay a few pretend to, to please parents. Tell her the truth!

I think it's very difficult if your daughter is mixing with children who have left their childhood behind, but I completely agree with you, and none of the things you've mentioned are necessary for a ten year old.

When my daughter was 10, I never allowed her to have any type of makeup and would never have considered buying her deodorant or letting her have any skin care products because I think it's far too young and unnecessary. I've always had very sensitive skin and wanted to avoid her using anything on her skin that could possibly cause irritation for as long as possible. But there are always children who are brought up differently, and I can still remember my daughter being given make up by friends who came to her ninth and tenth birthday parties - needless to say it went straight to the charity shop. I never allowed my daughter to have a phone at that age as it was completely unnecessary, and she only had internet access through our computer which we checked very regularly. There's no way I would allow a ten year old to use WhatsApp or Instagram.

By Yr6 I’d expect nearly all the children to be using some kind of deodorant. Puberty is a process, not something that happens in a day. Lots of children get whiffy from around 8 or 9.

When it comes to playing with dolls, girls are usually in a hurry to grow up. Some may play with them for longer but they learn not to admit to it. That was the case in the olden days, pre internet, when I was that age. Now there’s a zillion channels on YouTube aimed at that age group, telling them what they should be interested in.

My niece is 10, and believe me she NEEDS deodorant - it really depends on the child. I bought her a Nivea Pearl Roll on.

If she really believes in Father Christmas you need to tell her.

There are plenty of 10 year olds who need deodorant. If she wants some let her have it. She’ll use it when she remembers.
I would not be allowing any social media including group chats that are full of kids you don’t know. And sometimes not even she’ll know in my experience.
My 11 year old has WhatsApp but only for family and girls I know are her actual friends. I keep and close eye on it.
No TikTok no Snapchat.
Some makes up to play around with at home would also be ok if she’s interested.

I think you are babying her a teeny tiny bit.
The other girls sound like they are far too old for their age.
I'd say you've got it far more right than the parents of the other kids you've mentioned.

Your right to not allow social media, when they comment about makeup ect tell her to just say my parents don't allow it.
The Santa thing is tricky but I'd probably tell her the truth before secondary school.

I would say apart from the deodorant (DS needed it in Y6, DD Y5 doesn't yet but she's young for the year and small for her age), and Santa, you have it about right.
The other girls are just rude if they make fun of her for not knowing things they do.
Hold off on social media/smart phones as long as you can.

I would say yes to pierced ears and deodorant - maybe one of those natural ones like Wild or Native so she's not getting any harmful chemicals in her skin.

In terms of makeup, I think tinted gloss and maybe mascara is age appropriate? Something that still gives her a natural look.

The other girls sound way too old for their age, it's really sad.

You should tell her about Santa yourself. 10 is very old to still believe and assuming that you’re in England, you’d have to tell her before secondart anyway.

Lots of 10 year olds need deodorant. What’s the harm in her using a body spray or whatever to fit in ?

The social media stuff- the longer you can leave it the better. Tell her that she can blame you for not being allowed it.