Are we babying DD10

[wonderinglywondering]

We have 3 DC, our eldest is DD10. She has always been a lovely imaginative, sweet natured confident girl who loves reading, princesses/Barbie, she dances and has done drama since she was tiny. When she started school her primary was so small there were 7 children in the entire year, and all the kids played together and got on pretty well, as it was such a small group there were no cliques as such, DD had 1 best friend and together they enjoyed crafting, making up dances and filming them (not putting them online) dressing up, etc.

We've now moved and DD is in a slightly bigger school and has a nice circle of friends. She was bullied at first by the eldest and biggest girl, who dominated the whole group. Her parents allowed her a phone, unlimited internet access, TikTok, the lot. There were some really worrying incidents such as using sexually inappropriate language, claiming she had a 25 year old boyfriend. When this girl was around, we noticed DD becoming rude, stroppy, and no longer interested in her toys etc, which is fine, she is growing up. But she was very happy to get a Barbie house for her birthday, until she told the group including the bully, and the bully laughed and told her it was babyish.

She asked for skincare for Christmas, which I got her, some lovely stuff from a specific brand I found aimed at tween skin. I think it's a good idea to start taking care of your skin. She is always asking for her ears pierced - personally at 10 I would let her, but DH hates piercings so is dead against it. I have promised her we'll revisit it when she's at secondary school.

So anyway the bully has left and I've noticed DD is happily playing make-believe games and Barbies again. But it seems her friends are all much more mature. She came home in tears last week because at swimming they all use deodorant, and she doesn't. I explained she doesn't really need it until puberty but they all told her she should have started wearing it at age 8. She likes makeup, I let her wear coloured lip balm or gloss and occasionally a bit of eyeshadow, but I overheard one girl saying to her "I can't believe you don't know what contouring is"

All the girls have phones or ipads, and some have social media. So far DD has an ipad but she can only play games on it, I have allowed her Roblox and to play online with friends, so long as she gets their usernames at school and writes them down and adds them. She is not allowed to add anyone she doesn't know or accep requests. We check her ipad weekly. We do let her watch Youtube and she likes filming vlogs and fashion shows, but not allowed to upload it.

The girls have been asking if she can join their group chat. I am in two minds about this as I don't want her to be left out but don't want her online all the time and being told she's not got this or that.

She's also made it clear she still believes in Santa, and I think soon one of them will let her know the truth, because they won't realise she still believes!

This is way too long but essentially - should I just get her what her friends have and let her chat with them online etc? I worry she is getting laughed at, but I just can't understand why 10 year olds need deodorant, 15 step skincare routines, social media.

If you have read this far thank you. Moving has been so tough on DD and I just want her to be happy with a nice circle of friends, which these girls are, just different to us.

edited to remove some more outing details

My 9 year old dd has a phone and has WhatsApp. That's the only social media. She chats to her friends, and they have a whole class WhatsApp group. I monitor her phone using family link which is great. I think she may end up feeling a bit left out if everyone can chat apart from her. There are only a couple in dds class that doesn't have a phone. Times are changing. I am cautiously trying to help her fit in while also ensuring she isn't seeing anything she shouldn't be.

My Y5 girl (still 9 as summer born) sounds similar and I am in no rush for her to grow up. There is a cohort of mature girls in her year who are into smart phones and snapchat but a lot of them are still happily playing with toys and enjoying being kids. She still believes in Santa too.

She does wear deodorant though - she started getting a bit whiffy a year go. No other signs of puberty yet, thankfully.

This with bells on.

You will be hard pushed to find any teacher (or school support staff who have had safeguarding traning and electric safety traning) Allowing there 10 year old to have social media. Why because they know it inappropriate and causes all sorts off trouble.

Both mine got smartphones when at high school and very restricted social media. At 13 DS only has WhatsApp, no ticktock, facebook, X or anythinglile that. They both ask why can't I have certain apps, I repeat that they are not age appropriate.

I agree with keeping her off social media etc but I do think you are setting her up for being laughed at with the Santa thing. You should tell her because it's not fair

let her get her ears pierced!! your dh can stop being a baby.

also, argh. it’s hard as it is horrible feeling left out at that age.

could she join the group chat on your phone? (obviously mute it lol, i can imagine it would actually blow up your phone) or a phone she can only have for an hour or so a day to go on the chat? and then you can monitor it too.

Very sensible advice here.

My 9yo DD is in a small school and still pesters for more social media access, WhatsApp etc. Keeping it age appropriate is not babying - it is the right thing to do.
It's the old adage, just like our own mums said to us - If they told you to jump off a cliff, would you?
I tell my DD not to try and grow up too fast and to enjoy her childhood. It is a tricky stage when they are aware of more, but aren't really old enough for it.

If she wants her ears pierced, you should let her. She is her own person - she's not your dh's possession. So what if he doesn't like piercings? Why is he so controlling?

I think not letting her join a group chat is a sensible and a good thing. Even group chats consisting of grown women end up with a lot of nastiness sometimes and it's best that she doesn't have to get involved in all that.

With regard to DH, he is not controlling or abusive - we have different views on certain things. He has said once she is 16 she can do whatever she wants. I am compromising with him saying we will revisit once she's in secondary school, because I believe in showing a united front and not undermining the other parent. For example, I wasn't really happy about the TV in bedroom at first, that was his idea but we came to a compromise in that it's only set up with her Switch, and the Xbox with full internet access remains downstairs so she can't access adult content through that.

I have my ears pierced and did have my nose pierced and have tattoos (weirdly DH has many tattoos!) so it's not like he is "controlling our bodies", he just would prefer her not to have them, but accepts that once she's 16 she won't need parental consent. I'm sure we will grind him down in a year!

Look up the smartphone free childhood campaign. You are doing the right thing keeping her away from social media etc. if she needs a phone for secondary school it can be a “dumb” phone.

Make sure you find out the mobile phone policy at school and how/if it is enforced. Phones should be banned during school hours and preferably kept in lockers. I’m a teacher and this was a key factor in my school choice.

Smart phones are so dangerous and damaging, as you have already seen. Don’t be pressured into getting her one.

I don’t think you are babying your DD at all. You both sound to be very sensible parents who are clued in on your DD’s life. It is fantastic that she comes to you with her problems and you are fully there to support her. You both value, listen to and respect each other when you discuss parenting issues like what age to allow piercings, smartphone and so on. This is also great role modelling to your DD on what an equal relationship looks like.

I agree with you that your DD seems vulnerable to bullying and the things that have happened to her would also make me worry too as a parent. I think part of what you need to give your DD a heads up about is cyber bullying before you allow any group chat with other school girls.

Deodorant yes.

Skin care, why not get her a facial moisturiser with a high SPF so she feels she has a skin care item but is actually also protecting her skin.

Father Christmas, asap please.

Ear piercing, I hung on until my dd was 13 but times are different now , offer it for the start of the summer holidays with a proper piercer ,not Claire’s accessories, then she has the summer for them to heal and for her to learn to look after them.

You didn’t mention it but I would also start giving her a bit of an allowance to spend as she wants to on stuff like a few clothes items from the shops kids like to go to , lip gloss, fancy bits etc. It will make her feel a bit more grown up, give her something innocuous to talk about with the other kids and start to teach her about the value of money/ saving for things you want etc.

And I hope you are already having the talk about periods, you want that information to come from you not her friends. Get in a few different sorts of pads, some period pants etc so when it happens you are both prepared.

Ps nail varnish at the weekends is a good distraction from contouring talk.

I do think you are doing it right with keeping her off the social media stuff.

He has said once she is 16 she can do whatever she wants.

I do think that is controlling, sorry. The fact he has tattoos makes it even worse. It reminds me of my friend's dad who would literally say 'don't do as I do, do as I say'. At 10, a girl is old enough to decide if she wants earrings and is also old enough to clean them etc.

How could you possibly know that?

I can’t remember when I started using deodorant, but I remember being around that age and loving Charlie Red body spray, which I see is still going in the shops!

I think these other girls sound awful and your DD sounds great (with the exception of santa). At that age for me, the spice girls were the big thing and I remember playing with all the spice girls dolls. Using her imagination is so much better than losing brain cells to social media.

I am mid 30s and have no idea how to contour.

I’d say let her get her ears pierced now. I got mine done for my 10th birthday. I have a 5 month old girl and tbh I won’t even be asking DH when I let her get her ears pierced when she is older.

It sounds like you are doing the right things. I have ds2(10) who is not allowed a phone regularly whereas ds1(13) got regular access and group chats in y7. I keep it fairly well controlled. Boy chat isn't insidious or bullying. It's just very silly banter and can be quite rude. Like "I'm going to chat up (riz up) your mum" I overheard recently!

Deodorant my friends said this week that their 10yo boys started using it as they smell! I was surprised as my ds1 didn't start til 12 and them not regularly. Maybe I have naturally less smelly boys!!!

At 10 I probably had impulse do you remember that vile Deodorant spray? And a bunch of cheap perfumes. Might be something suitably tweeny you could get her.

My 10yo came out in spots the other day! There are definitely some hormones flying around!

I think let her be a little girl for a bit longer. She sounds lovely.

I wondered the same. I can't imagine any child still believing in the myth in year 6. I may have believed when I was very little but when I started school at four and three quarters, I no longer believed. My mother was upset, almost cross, about it, an attitude I have occasionally encountered which I think accounts for children pretending to believe when they no longer do. I never taught mine about Father Christmas except as a story/legend, based on St Nicholas. I remember saying it can be fun to pretend but I didn't lie.

hopefully she will find other friends who dont have social media.
it can be damaging

Because it’s a tiny class and I speak to all the parents. There’s also a class WhatsApp where it’s been discussed previously

Two parents agreeing on a minimum age for their DC to do body modifications is not “controlling” and it doesn’t matter how many tattoos they personally have or do not have.