Are we babying DD10

[wonderinglywondering]

We have 3 DC, our eldest is DD10. She has always been a lovely imaginative, sweet natured confident girl who loves reading, princesses/Barbie, she dances and has done drama since she was tiny. When she started school her primary was so small there were 7 children in the entire year, and all the kids played together and got on pretty well, as it was such a small group there were no cliques as such, DD had 1 best friend and together they enjoyed crafting, making up dances and filming them (not putting them online) dressing up, etc.

We've now moved and DD is in a slightly bigger school and has a nice circle of friends. She was bullied at first by the eldest and biggest girl, who dominated the whole group. Her parents allowed her a phone, unlimited internet access, TikTok, the lot. There were some really worrying incidents such as using sexually inappropriate language, claiming she had a 25 year old boyfriend. When this girl was around, we noticed DD becoming rude, stroppy, and no longer interested in her toys etc, which is fine, she is growing up. But she was very happy to get a Barbie house for her birthday, until she told the group including the bully, and the bully laughed and told her it was babyish.

She asked for skincare for Christmas, which I got her, some lovely stuff from a specific brand I found aimed at tween skin. I think it's a good idea to start taking care of your skin. She is always asking for her ears pierced - personally at 10 I would let her, but DH hates piercings so is dead against it. I have promised her we'll revisit it when she's at secondary school.

So anyway the bully has left and I've noticed DD is happily playing make-believe games and Barbies again. But it seems her friends are all much more mature. She came home in tears last week because at swimming they all use deodorant, and she doesn't. I explained she doesn't really need it until puberty but they all told her she should have started wearing it at age 8. She likes makeup, I let her wear coloured lip balm or gloss and occasionally a bit of eyeshadow, but I overheard one girl saying to her "I can't believe you don't know what contouring is"

All the girls have phones or ipads, and some have social media. So far DD has an ipad but she can only play games on it, I have allowed her Roblox and to play online with friends, so long as she gets their usernames at school and writes them down and adds them. She is not allowed to add anyone she doesn't know or accep requests. We check her ipad weekly. We do let her watch Youtube and she likes filming vlogs and fashion shows, but not allowed to upload it.

The girls have been asking if she can join their group chat. I am in two minds about this as I don't want her to be left out but don't want her online all the time and being told she's not got this or that.

She's also made it clear she still believes in Santa, and I think soon one of them will let her know the truth, because they won't realise she still believes!

This is way too long but essentially - should I just get her what her friends have and let her chat with them online etc? I worry she is getting laughed at, but I just can't understand why 10 year olds need deodorant, 15 step skincare routines, social media.

If you have read this far thank you. Moving has been so tough on DD and I just want her to be happy with a nice circle of friends, which these girls are, just different to us.

edited to remove some more outing details

Op deodorant isn't like make up or perfume, some girls NEED it to stop BO way younger than 10. Puberty starts at different ages in different bodies.

Personally I think year 5 is too young for the rest that you've mentioned, but in year 6 in the run up to secondary school things did change in dd's school. Most kids had phones, many social media which again I think is too young, but many have it. Yes girls started getting into make up and skincare but I'd say that really ramped up in year 7 at secondary.

I think the odd thing like lip gloss is fine but 10 is still too young for proper make up imo, and social media. Nothing wrong with liking Barbie at 10 either, she might have to just keep it quiet sadly if the other girls tease her.

We use a solid unperfumed deodorant for DS, more like a body balm. I think DD will want one with a bit of a smell but again, solid, natural, and like a body balm.

My dd is 9 and a half plays with her soft toys. She claims to believe in santa but I think she's just playing along now. She's shown no interest in make up, skin care or anything like that, and nor have her friends as far as I know.

Hi OP just letting you know that if you edit a post, you can still click to see the original post… so if they really are outing details they can still be seen, and in fact you’re drawing attention to them by mentioning it.

OP, follow on instagram the account smartphonefreechildhood

You need to resist. She sounds very much prone to be influenced by her peers and might struggle to make decisions that are good for her.

The skincare and deodorant I don't have an opinion.

You're getting a lot right. "My mum won't let me" is a good excuse for her to use. But be careful that you're not automatically stopping her from doing things-no harm in sometimes doing things like using deodorant just to join in. And for the love of God, please tell her about Father Christmas-she's far too old still to be believing!

My dd is 10 and quite immature still. Loves barbies and playing with toys. However she absolutely DOES need deodorant. She stinks otherwise and that’s with daily showering. She’s needed it for about a year now.
She doesn’t have a phone or socials and she won’t be getting one until high school

I am quite sure she does know that Santa does not exist. I would put money on it. If you think there is the remotest chance she doesn't then tell her or you are exposing her to ridicule.

I do not think you are babying her - you are protecting her, especially over the social media matters. Girls of this age start to be looks conscious, but it is important to keep it within limits and in proportion. Does she belong to Scouts? - they tend to help youngsters to look outwards and get muddy rather than dwelling on their looks.

You must do you and parent as you see fit, rather than as others parents do.

I have 3 adult DDs - I think that all this stuff started later with them, for which I am deeply grateful. They veered between child and adult for a few years, wanting make-up one minute and insisting on being included in little sibling's games the next.

I completely agree with this. Stay firm on your boundaries around keeping her safe online, but be prepared to flex on things like makeup and personal care if she actually wants them, and caveat it with a talk on peer pressure.

Holy Jesus OP. I'm pregnant with a daughter and reading this has boggled my brain. It's a total mindfield isn't it?

Her friends expect her to know contouring at age 10? IPads, online chats.... no wonder you're asking on MN because anything you do is wrong.

Def get her deodorant and trainee bra's though - I remember the day another girl (eho didn't like me) twanged the back of my trainee bra to check I was wearing one, and the relief I felt that I was!

I'm 42 and have no idea what contouring is!

I dont allow any of this except deodorant. Skincare for this age group is ludicrous and a tiktok driven trend. Kids are being shoved into adulthood before they are ready. It's sad. If skincare is so important and essential, 10 year old boys should be asking for (and getting it) also. They are not.....because its not marketed to them. I don't allow phone or social media of any kind. I don't allow earrings because I think she is too young. I will.probably allow it when she goes to secondary. I wouldn't tell her about Santa. She will ask when she is ready. For sure kids have been telling her there's no Santa for years already so it's not like she doesn't know that some don't believe. I'd probably tell her before Christmas of year 7 secondary school. I don't think you are babying her, I think too many parents are folding in the face of intense pressure and allowing things they might not be entirely comfortable with. When it comes to kids on phones and social media, it seems to me like adults are asleep at the wheel.

Our eldest DD is also 10

She has only just been given a tablet and it's monitored. No social media, no phone. We had the same discussion about a group chat her friends have. It's on a version of WhatsApp for kids but I said no.

As for self care. Over the last year we have been introducing things such as deodorant, bras and skincare but mainly because I want her to be aware of things and knows what she needs. I think these are things that are better to know before secondary. Last thing I wanted was for her to be bullied for smelling because she wasn't using deodorant ect.

She doesn't believe in Santa at all now. I think 10 is too old for Santa anyway.

You need to tell her about Santa. She's way too old to still believe and she's going to get the piss taken.

The reality is that some kids grow up faster than others. My DS is young for his age and is much happier now he is at secondary where he has a group of like minded friends.

You are doing right to protect her from social media. I would give her deodorant if she's interested - my DS has had it since about 10 but getting him to wear it is another matter. At least if they start young it's one less battle when they really need the deodorant!

I feel for you reading this. My daughter is 9 and sounds similar. She is very small for her age and has a really babyish face. She has huge eyes and is only starting to lose teeth so all of that makes her seem younger even though she is not a very little kid anymore.
Social media etc be careful as others have said but deodorant I would agree with the friends. My daughter is absolutely nowhere near puberty but with sports etc she does get a little sweaty as do all her friends. She has only very recently turned 9, most of her friends are 8 and they all have deodorant afaik and she ones that don't it's noticeable when they are here on playdates etc after a lot of running about so I would sort that ASAP. Also the average age for periods starting now is 11 so she won't be far off puberty unfortunately 😒

Scrubbilicious do a strong but kind to the skin deodorant for tweens. The start of puberty they can be outstandingly fragrant, it does settle down but getting her used to wearing a deodorant is no bad thing.

I would stay strong with the social media and wanting makeup. DD liked to play with it but wasn't allowed to leave the house with it on until year 9. Group chats can be essential for socialising but can also be a cess pit of bullying it's a very thin line.

Piercings I have a firm - no permanent body modifications rule and she knows that so doesn't bother asking. If she decided to get something done now she's well into the teen years I'd be fine with it but holding an imaginary strong line is useful.

You need to tell her about Santa this Christmas, do not send her to High school still believing. She can become part of the magic and eat the mince pie /carrot, move the elf if you do it etc.

I would be looking at encouraging her to spend time with less materialistic girls and those that have other things going on. DD plays rugby which is great, I think any outdoorsy group like hiking, scouts, cadets when she's old enough will have girls that aren't as concerned about such things.

As far as phone/social media/group chats I don't think you are babying her, the later the better for that sort of thing. As much as you think you can monitor and control it there is always a risk. Its a shame her peer group are like this. Same for skincare, makeup and contouring - not a thing that my DD has mentioned yet and not something I would encourage at all (yes to sensible skincare when needed but certainly not expensive brands etc, crazy).

My DD is 9 and there are a few in class with phones etc but not my DD or lots of the other girls (girl heavy class) so it isn't an issue yet. Knowing how things have panned our for friends older girls my DD will be heavily restricted when it comes to phones, social media etc.

Deoderant I'd make sure she has, needed it here periodically since age 7-8, I don't see why you'd be reluctant if she's taking an interest in personal hygiene. Also ear piercing if your DD wants and you have no problem then I'd be overruling your DH. I'd much rather have a young DD using deoderant and having pierced ears than fretting over contouring, phones and social media.

Santa is a tricky one but if she's likely to be mocked and upset by this I'd tell her.

My 10yo dd has deodorant. Her 7 yo sister does.
Phone yes, but not strictly hers until 11. Uses stars app but not social media. I think she still believes in santa.

Babying:
Santa
Deodorant
Barbies

Not babying:
Social media
Contouring/ makeup in general

Pick your battles.

Maybe get your daughter into some extra curricular activities where she can meet nicer girls whose parents are actually parenting. The girls she's mixing with now are toxic.

Extra curricular sports usually provide a nice social environment for tweens. Drama can be a good bet too, for increasing confidence.

I think it's a hard call as girls are growing up faster but deodorant would be something i would allow. Make up within strict limitations (I have loved it since I was 9 and am in my 40s now) . My son got a mobile at 10 with hugely limited access. He is 12 now and I do not allow him to have what's up on it. It causes endless issues in his year and none of the kids are mature enough to use it from what i can see. Some kids also send the most vile things imaginable. He isn't interested in tik tok at all thankfully.

Personally I would insist on letting her pierce her ears as she is now old enough to have them done and wants them done. I think it's time to have a serious conversation about Santa because if you don't let her know now her friends will and she will be very upset or she maybe bullied or both. There are lots of nice explanations about Santa and the magic of the story you can talk her through which might help.

There's a book called Teenage Beauty by Bobbi Brown, that my DD1 was given around age 11 or so. It was a great book, celebrating natural looks and encouraging staying true to your own features, not turning yourself into a clone.

I'd also recommend The Care and Keeping of You, published by American Girl Press. It mentions periods and discusses how to deal with them, and emphasises healthy lifestyle.

Your daughter is on the cusp of a major change in her life and needs to know that she has your permission to embrace the change.

Please tell her about Santa and buy her some deodorant if she wants some. The other things are OK but she'll be the laughing stock if her friends find out she believes in Santa.

I'd recommend the Lottie Brooks books too, if she hasn't already read them - they are exactly about this social situation.

Year 5 or year 6? I teach y5 and all the girls would fit into what I see in my class. Some are definitely wanting to be more grown up (influence of older siblings I think) and others are still happily playing. All of the year 6 girls have probably left behind the Barbie's etc

Deodorant- I mention in regularly in my class - sometimes it stinks in my room! Although I do say "you guys are getting older, if you're coming in after break sweating and in smells you need to ask parents to get you a deodorant!" There's probably more girls that need the deodorant than not at this point in the year! Out of 16 girls 4 have already started their periods so we are into the world of puberty, spots etc and some girls use creams some don't! You may find some of the others bodies are more mature?

I hate what social media is doing to our children, but equally I see how those not in the group chats feel left out the next day. I think I'd let her have WhatsApp to message on and you can check it just the same as you do with her iPad.

Good luck, the next 6 years will be continually like this- never knowing what to do and if you're making the right decisions!

Oh and Santa .... I'm sure she must have some idea? My eldest was excited to join the parents "team" and do the elf for the younger ones so we made finding out really exciting and she never told the younger one. But yes she will be teased if she's still talking as though he's real x